Dear Maura
A/N: Okay I suppose this is a bit cliché but I've been working a short, fluffy follow-up to my first fic, Cowardice, and not getting very far with it. So I decided to write this one down instead since it's been writing itself in my head for a while now. I hope you enjoy it, even if it is cliché ;-) Comments and constructive criticism are always welcome.
Spoilers: Takes place immediately following the events of the season finale.
Vince approached Maura cautiously, she looked even worse than he felt and he felt horrendous. Her hair was pulled back in a haphazard pony tail and she was still dress in the standard issue hospital scrubs someone had given her three days ago, shortly after she arrived in the ambulance with Jane. They had tried to get her to go home and change while Jane was in surgery but soon realized that was a lost cause. Maura hadn't left the hospital since.
"Dr. Isles?" he said tentatively, he'd gone back and forth with himself about whether or not this was the right thing to do but seeing Maura in so much pain he decided to go for it. Surely it couldn't make things any worse for the ME than they already were, could it?
"Doc" he repeated a little louder, having gotten no response to his first attempt.
Maura started and looked up at the him as if she couldn't quite remember who he was. Then she gave herself a shake and said, "Det Korsak, how are you doing?"
"Not so great" he replied.
"Is there something I can do for you?" Maura asked half-heartedly. He could tell her mind wasn't really on the conversation but she was brought up to be polite no matter the situation, even when your heart is broken.
"No, its not that he" mumbled not sure how to proceed. "I've got this letter for you."
"Can it wait" she asked, clearly distracted.
"It's from Jane."
"What?" she exclaimed, clearly confused.
"She wrote it a while ago" Vince forged ahead, a little surprised by the force her exclamation. "She asked me to give it to you when she…if…if…anything happened to her." He shoved the plain white envelope he'd been holding into her hands.
He waited a moment for her to say or do something but she stood mutely staring at the envelop in her hands so he turned on his heel and fled from the room.
Maura turned the envelop over in her hands and saw her name written on the front. She recognized Jane's handwriting although it was obvious she had taken more care writing this than she did her case notes. Tears filled her eyes as she ran her hand over her name and she collapsed more than sat in the uncomfortable chair where she'd spent most of the last three days.
It took her a good ten minutes to work up the courage to open the letter. What could Jane have wanted to tell her after she was gone that she couldn't have said when she was still here?
Taking a deep calming breath she began to read:
Dear Maura,
That sounds so formal but that's how Mrs. Morris taught us to do it in third grade so I guess it's correct. If your reading this then I must be dead since I told Vince to give this to you if something happened to me. God I hope it wasn't Hoyt. If I had to die I'd at least like to think he's eating his heart out cause he wasn't the one to do it.
If I know you you're wondering what I could possible have to tell you now that I couldn't tell you before. I wonder if you already have an idea, you may not be great with most people but you know me better than anybody else does.
Enough stalling, here goes, I love you Maura. I mean I'm in love with you; head over heals, for better or worse, can't imagine my life without you in love with you. Maybe it's selfish telling you this now when it's too late to do anything about it but I can't stand the thought of you never knowing how I really feel. I don't know if you feel the same way or not, although there have been times looking into your eyes when I was so sure you did that I almost told you. Something always held me back though. It's pretty simple actually, fear. Yep, big bad Detective Rizzoli is scared witless of losing her best friend.
Everyone assumes I've got tons of friends but that's not really true. Sure I've got the kind of friends you play touch football with in the park on Sunday, and the kind of friends you go to the bar with on Friday night after a tough week at work but I haven't had a best friend since I was in high school and I've never had a friend like you.
You know all my secrets. You've seen me weak and broken and instead of running in the other direction you picked up the pieces and put them back together better than they were before. As weird as it sounds you make me stronger by letting me be weak. Before you I kept all the fear bottle up inside and it was eating me alive. I hope you know how much I had to trust you to let you see me like that.
I can talk to you about anything or nothing at all. Neither one of us is comfortable with the silences in a conversation but when we're together they never seem to be awkward, they're just comfortable.
You push me to stretch outside my comfort zone. Thanks to you I've been to the symphony and yoga class. I've even run a marathon. I know I groused about doing all those things but the truth is I loved doing them. I especially loved doing them with you. Seeing them through your eyes helped me understand the beauty in them.
You're probably offended that I thought you would have pushed me away and stopped being my friend, if told you my true feelings. I'll admit, when I first realized I loved you (it was when Doyle kidnapped you, by the way, never been so scared in my life) I was afraid of that. The thought of never seeing you again or only seeing you at work made me sick to my stomach. But I soon realized I was doing you a disservice. You are much too kind a person to do such a thing. I know that if I had told you I was in love with you and you didn't feel the same way you would still want to be my friend.
But our friendship would have never been the same. The casual touches, the linger glances that we both pretend not to notice, movie nights cuddled up on the couch and sleepovers because "it's too late to drive home", all of that would have ended. I need that stuff Maura. I need to be able to touch you, look at you, fall asleep next to you without worrying that you'd take it the wrong way, although I guess it's actually the right way.
Well I've said my piece. I hope it helps more than it hurts. There's just one more thing I have to say. I know how hard this is for you, whether you're in love with me or not. I know right now you feel so alone, like there's no one left in the world who loves you for who you are and there never will be again. As hard as it is I need you to promise me you'll try to find that again. Let someone see past the designer clothes, and the fancy car, let the see behind the towering intellect and the proper upbringing. Let them see what I saw, a woman who appreciates beauty in all forms, a compassionate caring woman who gives more than her money to charity but who also gives her time and herself to causes she believes in. Let that person see the kind, loyal, caring woman I got to see and they will be the luckiest person in the world. And I will be eternally jealous but I'll also be smiling down on you from heaven—I hope. Yeah I know, you don't believe in an afterlife. This is my letter so just go with it.
Love Always,
Jane
Maura folded the letter and put it back in the envelop yet again blotting the tears that had been streaming down her face since she started reading the letter.
"Oh Jane" she sighed staring blindly at the envelop she held reverently in her hands. "You should have told me".
"Told you what", said a raspy voice.
For a moment Maura thought she was hallucinating. Then she glanced up at the previously still form on the hospital bed. She hadn't seen Jane's beautiful brown eyes in three days but they were staring at her now.
"You look like hell Maura", Jane rasped "kind of like I feel."
"Yes well what do you expect after being in a coma for three days" Maura responded tartly. Unable to keep the huge grin from her face as she came to stand by Jane's hospital bed and gently took her hand.
"A coma, for three days. What the hell!" Jane exclaimed confused for a moment and then it all came back to her. "Oh my god, Frankie" she tried to sit up but only managed to raise herself about a half inch off the bed before she collapsed with a groan.
"He's fine Jane", Maura rushed to reassure her. "In fact, he should be heading home in a couple more days. Your parents are with him now."
"Thank God," Jane sighed, relaxing . "Now what is it I should have told you?"
"Oh it's nothing, Jane. We can discuss it later. You need your rest." Maura replied quickly trying to hide the envelop in her hand.
"Is that what I think it is? Did Korsak give that to you? Damn it I told him to wait until I was gone" Jane groused. Then looking nervously at Maura she said, "Look Maura, you weren't supposed to see that yet. We can just pretend…"
"I'm in love with you to" Maura interrupted Jane's rant. "I have been for a very long time."
Smiling shyly at Jane she said, "I was too afraid of losing my best friend to say anything."
The grin that spread across Jane's face at hearing those words could have lit up the entire city of Boston for a month. "Your in love with me too?" she asked.
Maura nodded, temporarily robbed of speech at the prospect of getting the one thing she wanted most in this world just when she was sure she had lost it.
"Then get over here and proved it" Jane demanded.
Maura gladly complied leaning over and placing a gentle but passionate kiss on Jane's lips.
"Remind me to buy Korsak a dozen donuts when I get back to work" Jane murmured against Maura's soft lips. "I owe him big."