INTERIOR SHOT - COMEDY CLUB
Jerry does his stand-up routine.
Jerry: Sometimes, two groups of friends shouldn't meet. I'm not talking somewhat similar personalities like Superman meeting Spider-Man, or the X-Men meeting the Justice League. I'm talking two distinct, absolutely different groups of people from opposite universes, like the castaways of Gilligan's Island crossing paths with the detectives of CSI: New York'! Can you imagine that? "So, what have we got here, Mac?" "It appears the funny-looking native with the bone through his nose was killed by a 22-calibre cocoanut!"
You try to keep these two dissimilar groups of friends apart, and barely aware of the existence of the other, because you act differently around either one of them. Which is the real you? The confident, well-dressed, rich, young man who excels in almost everything? Or the obnoxious, farting, beer-swilling, belching, dog-kicking uncouth slob that wears an ankle monitor under his socks courtesy of the Pinellas County Court system? Will the world really end if these two groups of friends meet up at that nexus point of the universe that you call a kitchen? Or will the actual outcome be something like, "Why're we hanging around him? I thought he was a tough macho man, but around you guys he likes to watch Smurfs cartoons and cries during Verizon commercials!"
EXTERIOR SHOT - MONK'S CAFE
It's daytime, and people and traffic pass by the eatery. A man steps on some gum, and gets upset.
INTERIOR SHOT - MONK'S CAFE
The restaurant is busy as usual, and we find Jerry, George, and Elaine at their usual booth, their lunch mostly finished, except for George's, which has barely been touched.
Elaine; So get a load of this; Peterman has promised me a nice little bonus after I oversee a photshoot for the Southern Goth Belle hat!
Jerry; The southern what?!
Elaine; Southern Goth Belle hat. It's a crossover between the delicate, respectable Southern Belle look, and the creepy, pasty-faced I-Hate-The-World appeal of the Goth music culture. Gonna be a big hit. (sarcastically) Oh, yea!
Jerry; Very nice. So what're going to do?
Elaine; Haven't got a clue.
Jerry; So you're off and running?
Elaine; Straight for a brick wall! But, for a nice bonus that'll boost my bank account, I'll think of something.
Jerry; Well, greed is not only good, but it's a pretty good incentive to actually do something!
Elaine; Works for me!
Jerry turns around and notices that George has his head down, and appears to be reading the paper, ignoring both him and Elaine.
Jerry; You know, George, much like a kettle on a stove, the newspaper won't boil if you stare at it! (George remains oblivious). I have it on good authority that if you stare into the newspaper too long you'll go blind! Better wear sunglasses with UV ray protection! (Still no reaction) I hear the weather reports can just blind ya like that!
Jerry snaps his fingers, and suddenly George's head snaps up and he's alert.
George; Don't call for the check yet! I'm not finished my tuna on toast!
Jerry; I got news for you- your tuna on toast has been sitting there so long it's mutated into Tunazilla, one of those giant monsters that fight Godzilla! What's the deal? What's so interesting in the paper that you're ignoring us? Usually you can only manage that during a Victoria's Secret TV special!
George (defensively): I haven't been ignoring you guys! I heard ya, I heard ya! Elaine was talking about fish heads and Peterman's bum.
Elaine; That was a half hour ago!
George; Oh. Whatever. What'd I miss in the meantime?
Jerry; I don't know. I was tuning out Elaine, too, just nodding when I thought I should, so I can't help you there!
Elaine; Heyyy!
Jerry; So what's got you so intrigued on this page? (Jerry reaches for the paper, but George tries to fight him off, so Jerry fights back, and like two combative brothers they nearly rip the paper to shreds and cause a commotion. George stops himself from getting kicked out of Monk's by letting Jerry have the newspaper.) So let me see, let me see what's so great about...Ooooh, I see it! Now let me explain something here, George, as I am a comedian and understand the intricacies of comedy. You see, George, the punch line of today's Garfield cartoon is funny because Jon Arbuckle, his owner, has forgotten to buy lasagna, which Garfield-
George; All right, all right, it's not that! It's this damn Sudoku puzzle!
Elaine; Suds-what-zoo?
George; Sudoku. S-U-D-O-K-U. I think it's Spanish for Sadistic Useless Document Of...whatever. It's a puzzle game they run every day, and I can't for the life of me ever finish it!
Jerry (looking at the puzzle in the paper); Much like your tuna on toast! So, it's some kind of crossword, but with numbers?
George; Oooh, it's much more insidious and despicable than your average crossword puzzle, buddy-boy! Let me tell you! It's based on a highly-improbable mathematical equation that supposedly allows you to fill in the 9 by 9 grid, 82 boxes, so that each line and each column contains the numbers one to nine, in any order, without overlapping or doubling the numbers. They have to be one to nine in each column and each row. They uncover several numbers to start you off, but the sadistic bastards don't let you know that it's all a crock!
Elaine: Why?
George; Because I can't complete it!
Jerry (sarcastically); Oh, well, that blows the lid off of the Great Sudoku Conspiracy!
George; You don't believe me? I've played every single damn Sudoku game that I can get my hands on in this city for the past three months! In the newspapers, on-line, in the book stores with the puzzle books! And I've never been able to finish one puzzle! Not one! So what does that tell ya?!
Elaine; That you have no social life?
Jerry; That you might want to stop wearing your tin-foil hat long enough to know that there's no conspiracy?
George; Ha, ha, very funny. I reject both theories!
Elaine; That's new!
George; Okay. Fine. You guys go ahead and try to figure it out! Go ahead! Fill in the boxes if it's so easy! One to nine, in random order, along every column and every row! Then we'll see who's cuckoo!
Elaine (grabbing the newspaper, and pulling out a pen from her purse); Lemme try that. I have five minutes to kill! Watch and learn, boys!
Suddenly, Newman is hovering over George's shoulders in the booth behind him, startling George as he makes his presence known with a big, mischievous smile and chuckle.
Newman: Having trouble with your little puzzle, Costanza?
George; Not that it's any of your business, but, yeah, it's been a real pain in the ass!
Newman; Well, all I can say is, I wouldn't waste my time on useless ventures! But, do feel free to come by my apartment sometime! It might just be the only way you'll ever figure out the truth behind Suduko! Buh-bye!
Newman leaps out of his booth and waddles out of Monk's. Jerry sneers at Newman's back, and hisses,
Jerry; Newman!
Kramer shows up at the door of Monk's and waves back at someone on the street.
Kramer (laughing hysterically); Bob, you're gonna give me a heart attack one day with all those silly voices! Hahahahahaha! I'll see you later, buddy! Bye! (He approaches Jerry, George, and Elaine, still chuckling). That was my friend, Bob Sacamano! What a crazy guy! He's got another get-rich-quick scheme! This time it involves the President and a crop of broccoli growing in Kansas, right now. What a dope! But don't tell anybody about it!
Jerry (using his fingers to indicate quotation marks in the air); Oh, right, 'Bob...Sacamano'. The mysterious, never-seen, but often referred-to friend of Cosmo Kramer.
Kramer; Yeah, my friend, Bob Sacamano. So? Do you want in on the plan with me and my friend, Bob Sacamano?
Jerry; Bob Sacamano, Bob Sacamano, Bob Sacamano! I'm sick of hearing about this invisible friend of yours, Kramer! C'mon, Cosmo, how long have we been friends? When did I ever get to meet him? All I ever hear are stories about him, or your dubious business dealings on how to get rich quick with him, like those rat hats you guys tried to peddle off!
George: And don't forget the faulty condoms he gave me!
Jerry; If he's real, why don't I ever get to meet him?
Kramer; He is real! In fact, my friend, Bob Sacamano has characteristics similar to all of you. He's funny, like Jerry, he's husky, but doughy like George, and yet he's got Elaine's grace. You spoke to him on the phone, remember? When we switched apartments for a couple days?
Jerry; How could I forget that macabre experience?! Weird noises in your apartment and shadows every which way but normal! I spoke to a guy on the phone that said he was Bab Sacamano when I was starting to lose my mind over there, but for all I know it was you disguising your voice!
Kramer; Get outta here! My friend, Bob Sacamano, is as real as any of the three of you! Here, I'll prove it! Elaine, how was your date with Bob?
Elaine (distracted, squinty-eyed, she scratches her head furiously, and looks up); What-what-what?! Did you guys say something?
George (smugly); Sudoku not su easy, Elaine?
Elaine; Never mind, I'm getting the hang of it! What'd you ask me, Kramer?
Kramer; I asked how your date with Bob Sacamano was?
Elaine (still distracted, looking up at Kramer and down at the puzzle); My what, my what? I never dated-
Kramer; Well, yeah, sure you did! I arranged it! He used a pseudonym and you guys only had one date-
Jerry; You just described her entire dating life!
Elaine (irritated); Kramer, I never, ever dated Bob Sacamano! I would know if I dated Bob Sacamano! And I would have mentioned Bob Sacamano if I had dated him, even once!
Kramer; I believe you, honey. Although he talks about your date all the time!
Elaine; Then what did we do? Where did we go?
Kramer; He never gave me specifics, just that you guys had a night of wonderment and intrigue and that you were resplendent in your choice of evening wear.
Jerry; Who was he dating; Elaine or Emma Peel?
Elaine (distracted and annoyed); Kramer, I'm kinda in the middle of something-
George (sarcastically); Which is going to be soooo easy to solve, huh?
Elaine; - but if I did have a date with Bob, when was it?
Kramer; Well, let me think...it was sometime after you and I met, but not as recently as last week...
Jerry; Well that narrows it down! She's only had, like, 247 dates in between that time!
Kramer; Okay, I'm going to say it was sometime between...1993...and...geez, isn't that funny? I can't seem to narrow it down. Anyways, he said you were the best date he had all year.
Elaine (her head down, running her hand through her hair again and again) What is this? This makes no sense! I have a five here, it should work! This row already has a two and a nine, but this line doesn't work if I leave the seven and the two here...
George (confident and finally eating his lunch); Told ya! You'll never finish- ugh! Yuck! (He puts down his tuna on toast and pushes it away) Since when did they start serving cold food here! That bread tastes like it's been out of the toaster since yesterday!
Jerry; All right, enough stories. I wanna meet him!
Kramer; He's kinda busy, Jerry.
Jerry; I don't care! I want to meet him! Gimme even one minute with the so-called Bob Sacamano! That's all I ask!
Kramer; I don't like this. It'll be, you know, weirdly weird for the two of you to come face-to-face! Sorta like matter and anti-matter!
Jerry; There's a dinner at Mendy's if you arrange a meeting.
Kramer (slaps his palm against the table); DONE!
Other customers notice this and Kramer shrinks in his seat from embarrassment, then notices that Elaine is mumbling to herself.
Elaine (softly); ...should be easy...just one to nine...gonna get it...got to get it right...should be so easy...what the...
George smiles at her, seemingly vindicated.
EXTERIOR SHOT - JERRY'S APARTMENT BUILDING
An evening shot with Jerry's windows lit up as well as some others.
INTERIOR SHOT - JERRY'S APARTMENT
Jerry's standing by his open door, looking down his hallway, and checks his watch.
George; I wouldn't bother checking again, Jerry. He's not showing up.
Jerry; Oh, yes, he is! That jolly joker that goes by the name of Bob Sacamano is gonna finally show up! Kramer's getting a nice dinner out of it, and if there's anything that controls Kramer's excuse for a brain it's food!
George (flipping channels on the TV with the remote); Not gonna happen.
Jerry; WHAT'S THAT?! Is that the elevator! YES! Yes, here he comes!
George is still skeptical, and perks up as he sees something interesting on TV.
George; Ooo! The Incredible Hulk! Score!
Jerry's face drops as he stares down the hallway and watches as Kramer enters his apartment, alone. Kramer looks uncomfortable, but puts on a brave face.
Kramer; Heyyy, buddy! Thanks for the welcome, but I made it okay!
Jerry (pacing back and forth between the hallway and the entrance of his apartment); But...but...but where is he?! You said he'd be here!
Kramer; Who? George? He is here, on your couch. Ooo! The Incredible Hulk'!
George (over his shoulder); Gonna be a good one! Jack McGee almost catches David Bixby!
Kramer; David Banner or Bill Bixby?
George; Same difference. This calls for a Big Chocolate Milk! Hope you have lots of Bosco, Jerry!
George leaps off the couch, marches for the refrigerator and helps himself to a glass of milk and chocolate syrup.
Jerry; Kramer! Where...is...Bob...Sacamano?
Kramer; In a cab on his way down to Broadway, I should think! He's off to find a backer on his deal to sell plutonium to a funny-looking Norwegian guy we met at Starbucks. Yeah, we just parted ways downstairs.
Jerry; I'm gonna part your head from your body, Cosmo! You were supposed to bring him upstairs tonight so I could meet him!
Kramer; Oh...was that tonight?
Jerry; Yes! Tonight! Or tomorrow morning! Or this Wednesday! Whenever you were to meet up with this schmuck you were supposed to introduce me to him immediately!
Kramer; Well, that's a little inconvenient! What if you're busy?
Jerry; I'm not! Really! I've moved around and shifted my schedule to wipe out everything just so I can meet him! I've cancelled shows in Jersey and Pittsburgh so I can meet this turkey! I'm losing money just so we can exchanges a few words! Got it?!
Kramer; Sort of.
Jerry; Kramer, all I want-
George; Whoop! Quiet on the set! The Hulk is on!
George flops down on the couch and Kramer quickly joins him, as Jerry just watches them, incredulous.
Jerry; I really think-
George (clears his throat loudly, glares at Jerry, and tilts his head towards the TV); Ah-HEMMM!
Jerry's telephone rings and he answers it, even though George is distracted by it as well as Kramer sitting down to watch The Incredible Hulk.
Jerry; Hello? Oh, hey, ma. No, I'm not busy! Just running a personal movie theater in my own living room, apparently!
Kramer; I remember this one! The girl thinks she can't walk, but Bill Banner convinces her-
Jerry; Whose phone number? My cousin Rebecca? I don't really think I have it...
George (staring daggers at Jerry); Mister Seinfeld...don't make George angry! You wouldn't like George when he's angry!
EXTERIOR SHOT - JERRY'S APARTMENT BUIULDING
An early morning shot.
INTERIOR SHOT - JERRY'S APARTMENT
Jerry is on the phone and he's not happy.
Jerry; He cancelled again?! I bought snacks and junk for him, Kramer, because you told me you'd both be here at-. No, I don't think it's fair! Why?! I'll tell you why! Bob Sacamano's eating habits are even more peculiar than yours! What am I supposed to do with five pounds of buttermilk and raisin pancakes?! And don't get me started on the case of 24 cans of Pakistani diet cola I bought for the occasion! And thanks to Sacamano, my apartment smells like a cage of smelly wet monkeys, because of all this stupid incense you told me to light! Yea? Well, you better get Sacamano over here by tomorrow, or your free dinner is kaput! Bye.
Jerry hangs up the phone and walks over to the kitchen to get a drink, when his door is being pounded on again and again, forcing Jerry to check his peephole and mumbles to himself something incoherent but nasty. He swings the door opens and a familiar face makes his presence known.
Uncle Leo; Jerry! Helloooo!
Jerry; Hi, Leo. Uh, what're you doing here?
Uncle Leo (confused); You asked me to drop by, didn't you? On the telephone last night?
Jerry; Yes, but I thought it would be a little later than...(he checks his clock on the wall)...9:10 in the morning.
Uncle Leo; Yeah, well, I've been up a while. Been watching an Incredible Hulk marathon on TV! Helluva show, huh? That Bill Bixby could really get pissed off at the drop of a hat, huh?
Jerry; Yeah, yeah. I had to kick George and Kramer outta here last night after the third episode, but anyways, since you're here, I need to ask you something.
Uncle Leo (nodding knowingly, and pulling out his wallet); Yeah, sure, buddy. You want money, ya got it! How much ya need to cover your rent? Twenty? Thirty bucks?
Jerry; Um, no, it's not-
Uncle Leo; Whaaat? How much could this little dump cost ya a month?! I'm not made of money, ya know! I'm on a pension! Maybe your cousin Jeffrey could-
Jerry; I didn't call you over here for money. I was speaking to Kramer about his friend, Bob Sacamano, and he told me-
Uncle Leo; Sack of what?
Jerry; Sacamano.
Uncle Leo; What kind of name is that? Japanese?
Jerry; That's the big question. You see-
Uncle Leo; Maybe it's Romanian. Ya know any other Romanians?
Jerry; No! You see, I've been meaning to meet up with ol' Bob, but I keep missing him, so-
Uncle Leo; Why? Isn't your secretary doing her job? Just ask her to switch around some of your meetings so you can-
Jerry (getting exasperated); No, no, Uncle Leo, I don't have a secretary!
Uncle Leo; Oh, excuse me, Mister Modern Times! Executive Assistant! Sheesh! Why do you have to be so politically correct?! You don't get that from my side of the family! A dame is a dame is a dame, know what I mean?
Jerry; I don't have a secretary or an assistant! I don't work in an office or even have so much as a cubicle! Kramer keeps trying to get us together, but something always pops up unexpectedly.
Uncle Leo; So what can I do?
Jerry; Kramer told me Bob Sacamano likes to hang around the same park that Jeffrey works at, so I was thinking that when Jeffrey sees him,, he could call you or call me, and I'd rush down there and meet him.
Uncle Leo; Oh. Um, okay. I guess. What does this Bob Sacajawea look like?
Jerry; Sacamano. And I don't know. All I know is he likes to where suspenders instead of a belt.
Uncle Leo; Suspenders? That's not much to go on!
Jerry; Kramer said he's funny like me, doughy like my friend, George, and graceful like Elaine. That's all I got.
Uncle Leo; Awright, awright! For my favorite nephew, why the heck not?! I'll tell Jeffrey to keep an eye open for this guy.
Jerry; Thanks, Uncle Leo, thanks so much.
Uncle Leo; Fine, fine, fine.
They stare at each other, followed by an awkward pause. Jerry checks his watch, and Leo stares back, smiling.
Jerry; So...?
Uncle Leo; Breakfast would be nice! Can't ya feed a hungry old man? I been up for four and half hours already!
Jerry (rushing for the kitchen, and not wanting to blow his deal with his uncle); Yes! Coming up! I'll make you some breakfast! (He begins pulling out cereal box after cereal box, proudly displaying them in a neat row) I've got Corn Flakes, Bran Flakes, Sugar Flakes, Cinnamon Flakes, Raisin Bran, Oaty-Oh-Ohs, Choco-Boffo, Apple Jacks, Rice Krispies, Chunky Chewy Crunch-
Uncle Leo stares at him in disbelief with sad, puppy-dog eyes as Jerry rambles on, clearly disappointed that a full breakfast of bacon, eggs, toast, and coffee isn't being offered.
EXTERIOR SHOT - 'S OFFICE BUILDING
A day-time view looking up.
INTERIOR SHOT - PHOTO STUDIO
The studio is bustling with activity, and we find Elaine going over her notes, and looking a little frazzled from trying to organize the chaos. Someone taps her on the shoulder and she spins around.
Elaine (irritably); What?! Whatwhatwhatwhatwhat?! What is it, Benny?
Benny; Well, somebody ate grumpy bullets today!
Elaine (even more irritably) What does that even mean?!
Benny; Never mind- little joke.
Elaine; I'm super-busy, Benny! Do you need something?
Benny; The staff wants better bottled water. They keep telling me that the Evian tastes like swill from the well that Timmy fell down into!
Elaine (looking everywhere): Timmy?! Timmy?! Who the hell's Timmy?!
Benny; Remember on Lassie, when the little kid-
Elaine; I don't care! I really, reeeally don't care, okaaay?! The Evian's staying! It's just water from a factory, like all the other brands! Now, go! Gogogogo!
Benny sighs in frustration, and sulks as he leaves. Elaine tries to focus on her notes again, until her attention is drawn away again.
Peggy; Excuse me, Elaine, but-
Elaine; What now?!
Peggy; My goodness, Elaine, take a chill-out pill! You'll go gray in no time! And let me tell you, it's no picnic!
Elaine; I know, I know, I'm sorry, Peggy! This place is a flippin' madhouse! What's up?
Peggy; I just wanted to introduce you to your model.
Elaine (exasperated); Oy! I don't have time for a blond bimbo airhead-
Liza; Like, I'm right here.
Elaine (forcing a big smile and cheerfulness to cover up her insult); Good morniiiing! Hellohellohellooooo! So nice to meet you- (Peggy hands Elaine the model's dossier and leaves) - 'Elizabeth Tracy'. Wow! I bet that's confusing! Two first names shmooshed together into one leggy blond model! So, what I need from you today, Elizabeth, is for-
Liza; Actually the 'E' is, like, silent.
Elaine; Oh, Okay. Lizabeth, then.
Liza; And I reject the 'B', the second 'E', the 'T', and, like, the really stupid, already-silent 'H'at the end of my name.
Elaine; You...'reject' them?
Liza; Yes. 'Beth' sounds like I have a lisp when I say it. It's, like, disgusting. So I prefer to be known simply as Li-ZAH! I plan to, like, be known by a single name like Tyra, Oprah, and Bugsbunny.
Elaine jumps at the shouted 'ZAH!', and tries to recover.
Elaine; Okay, Li-zah, if you could-
Liza; No, no. Not 'Li-zah'. It's Li'-ZAH! See the difference?
Elaine; Wel...Li-zah, if you'll just-
Liza; That's, like, wrong, too. Do you have, like, a learning disability?
Elaine; Listen, you 6-foot tall piece of-
Peggy leaps in and pulls Elaine away.
Peggy (whispered under her breath into Elaine's ear); Personally chosen by J. Peterman, Elaine! He picked her because she won America's Next Top Model! Just go along with her.
Elaine; That anorexic wannabe won that fake show? More like America's Next Top Whiner!
Liza (taking a sip of bottled water and making a face); Wow. I am so full now. So much for breakfast!
Elaine (to Peggy): That 'ZAH' in 'Li-Zah' will be followed by a 'POW'!, 'BLAM!', and 'KER-RUNCH!' if she costs me my bonus!
Liza looks about, indifferent, checking her nails and looking rich and bored.
EXTERIOR SHOT - A BARNES & NOBLE BOOK STORE
Later that same day.
INTERIOR SHOT - BARNES & NOBLE BOOK STORE
George is in the puzzles and games section as people walk about and check out what's on the shelves. He's being private and turning his back to anyone that gets too close, while at the same time he peaks up over the top of the book shelf to be sure that he's not being watched. Unfortunately he has been, and a saleswoman taps him on his shoulder from behind.
Saleswoman; Excuse me, sir?
George shoves the book he had in his hands back onto a table with others and mixing it in with so many so that it won't be found, causing some of them drop to the floor in the process.
George (acting casually, although his shifting eyes show he's nervous about being caught); Er...yes?
Saleswoman; What were you just doing?
George (innocently); Me? What? Nothing, nothing at all!
The Saleswoman expertly fishes through the books on the table of discounted books, and produces the one George was holding.
Saleswoman; Was this your book?
George; My what? Nope. Don't think so. I had...(George fishes through the books and picks up one randomly)...this one!
Saleswoman (checking the title); Hurray, I'm Gay! 25 Fabulous Ways To Come Out To Your Parents! ?
George throws the book away, completely embarrassed.
Saleswoman (knowingly flipping through the Sudoku book, nods, and shows a page with writing all over it); I believe this is your book.
George; Strictly speaking, I haven't purchased it, so-
Saleswoman; You have now!
George (considers more lies, but bursts out); I couldn't help it! Look at these stupid Sudoku puzzles! They can't be completed! I couldn't help myself, you see?! I've tried them in the newspapers, and on-line, and now even this whole friggin' book of them and I can't solve it! It's a conspiracy, I tell you! And because Sudoku can't be solved, Barnes and Noble are in on it! How can you sleep at night knowing you're making people, kids, innocent children, buy these books filled with unsolvable puzzles?! Huh?! Huh?!
Saleswoman (slapping the book back into George's hands, and tugging him along towards the cash registers); That'll be $10.99 plus tax! Cash!
George; It's a conspiracy bigger than JFK! Bigger than Roswell!
George is pulled past Newman, who realizes that the chubby mail man was apparently watching him all the time. Newman grins devilishly and waves at George, again with that knowing smirk.
Newman; Poor, deluded Costanza! You have no idea! Hee-hee-hee!
INTERIOR SHOT - JERRY'S APARTMENT
The phone is rings and Jerry answers it.
Jerry; Hello?
Uncle Leo (voice-over) ; Jerry? Helloooo!
Jerry; Oh, hi, Uncle Leo. What's up?
Uncle Leo (voice-over); Jerry; that Sacapotato guy? Your Cousin Jeffrey thinks he's seen him in the park all the time- feeding red squirrels, conducting scientific experiments, and burying stuff! Ain't that a kick in the head?! I mean, what're the chances that of all the people in New York City, you're own cousin-
Jerry (excitedly); Yeayeayea, that's great, Uncle Leo! But where's Sacamano right now? What part of the park?!
Uncle Leo; Oh, he ain't there now! I was just calling to tell you that you can depend on Cousin Jeffrey! He's pretty sure he knows who you're talkin' about! Jeffrey's on the case!
Jerry (disappointed); Oh. Great. Thanks.
Uncle Leo; No problem! Hey, are ya gonna watch that marathon of Quincy M.E. tomorrow, because if you are-
Jerry; Uh, no, sorry, Uncle Leo, I've got other plans. But thanks for the heads up about Sacamano! Call me when you get up-to-date information! Bye! And thanks again!
Jerry hangs up the phone, hears a slam in the hallway, and watches as his own door bursts open. Kramer appears and has his hands full of socks.
Jerry; What's all this?
Kramer; I need to borrow your oven, buddy!
Jerry (making a face as he notices the dozens of socks in Kramer's hands); I already doubt it!
Kramer; Aw, c'mon, help a friend out! After I found out how great it feels to heat up my shirt in your over, I got to thinking and realized that my feet would also enjoy the toasty treatment! I just wanna heat 'em up for twenty minutes at 350 degrees-
Jerry; No way, no how, not a chance!
Kramer (pauses, reconsiders); 300 degrees?
Jerry; It's not the temperature that concerns me! I shiver to think how close all this sock material has come to being your second skin inside your shoes!
Kramer; Well, then we'll both put socks inside your oven, then, and together-
Jerry; I'm not doing it period, Kramer!
Kramer (sighing disappointedly, looks around, and dumps the batch of socks onto Jerry's dining table, and heads for the kitchen); Whatever. I'll check with Newman later on to see if he'll be a Good Buddy for me. (Kramer begins to search Jerry's refrigerator and his cupboards) Ya got any veal scaloppini?
Jerry; Lemmechecknooo! What the heck would I be doing with veal scaloppini?!
Kramer (still checking his cupboards); You should have some left over from the restaurant.
Jerry; What restaurant? I never ordered veal scaloppini recently, let alone...ever!
Kramer (stops searching and spins around to face Jerry with annoyance): Don't you remember? You and I and George and Elaine and Charles Bronson were at Red Lobster, and you ordered the veal scaloppini and I ordered the Tartuffe, and Elaine-
Jerry; Hang on, back up. You and I and George and Elaine and...Charles...Bronson?!
Kramer; (making it sound obvious) Yeaaah! Even an A-List celebrity like Bronson will deem it fitting to hang out with a B-Lister like Mel Gibson, or a C-Lister...such as yourself!
Jerry; Kramer, let me explain what's happening here, other than you're losing your mind! That was a dream you had while sleeping! Or a delusion during the daytime! I've never even met Charles Bronson! How could I get him to sit down and have dinner with me and my friends? But, most importantly, the four of us never went out to dinner with Charles Bronson for one good reason!
Kramer; Oh, really, Mister Snobby Celebrity? Why ever not?
Jerry; Two words...he's dead!
Kramer; Huh?
Jerry; Yes! Dead! Deceased! Passed on! Some time back in 2003! So you know what that means?
Kramer (licking his lips and swallowing and in general putting on a sad, puppy dog face); It means no leftover veal scaloppini for me! Oh, man, what a rip-off!
Jerry; Never mind that right now, Cosmo! You're hedging your promise to me! Where's Bob Sacamano?
Kramer; Oh, well, hey, he's like Santa Claus- he's everywhere!
Jerry; I'm really starting to believe he doesn't exist!
Kramer (staring at Jerry, dumbfounded); Jerry! Do you mean to tell me that even at your age, somewhere in your thirties, your parents haven't had...The Talk...with you about Santa?!
Jerry; Not him, you idiot! Sacamano! All I get are excuses and no concrete proof of his existence! All I hear are second-hand stories about stuff he does with you, and all the weird things he did in the past long ago!
Kramer; How can you not believe in him if I say he's real?! Look, he's from New Jersey, his father lives in Boca Raton, Florida, and he likes to steer clear of doctors thanks to a botched hernia operation and the nine times he's had to get rabies shots.
Jerry; But what does he look like?! Why can't I see him?! Why does he only talk to you?! Show me a picture or play a phone message or show me proof of a miracle he's performed!
Kramer stares at his friend and looks confused.
Kramer; Are we still talking about Bob Sacamano?
Jerry (equally confused); I think so. At least it started out that way...
INTERIOR SHOT - A SUBWAY TRAIN
George is engrossed in his newly-bought Sudoku puzzle book, and showing his usual signs of frustration. He's mumbling to himself in annoyance, shaking his head as, yet another, puzzle has hit a roadblock, and he's unable to complete it.
A man, a woman, and two small children approach him, and the man taps him on the shoulder.
Man; Excusa mea, sir?
George (lurching suddenly, as if he's just received an electric shock); Heyheyhey! Whadaya trying to pull here?! I don't have any money!
Man; Uh, no, sir, excusa, but canna you tella me anda my wife how wea getta to Radio City Musica-
George; Kinda busy here, Pedro! Not now!
Man; Hey, il mio nome non e Pedro, alla I wanna knowa isa-
George (jumping up and pointing at the man and his family); SECURITY! SECURITY!
The family panics and run to the far end side of the train. George sits down, exhales deeply and opens his puzzle book, only to suddenly find Newman sitting beside him.
Newman; Still perplexed, Costanza?
George (nearly jumping out of his seat from surprise, looking about); What the-?! How'd you get here?! That seat was empty a second ago!
Newman (mischievously); Oh, Costanza! Never underestimate the superpowers of a United States postal employee!
George; Yeah, right! Feel free to move to the other side of the train, Newman! I'm busy here!
Newman; Oh, reeeally? It looks like you're completely perplexed and out of your league...again! Still finding it difficult to complete your little Sudoku puzzles? Finding it almost obsessively impossible, hmmm?
George; I'll get it! I'll get it, sooner or later!
Newman; To quote Danny DeVito as the Penguin in Batman Returns...'You don't really think you'll win, do you?'
George (barely holding back his frustration); I will! I've made some good progress on this one!
Newman (leaning over, and smirking); You've got three '4's on one line.
George (checking his puzzle); DAMMIT! I can't stand this! This bloody thing is impossible!
Newman; Yes, it is! And if you suspect, as I do, that it's rigged and can't be done, you're not alone. Nobody down at the Post Office has ever completed one, and some of those losers are real eggheads! You think you're smart? You have no clue as to what's really happening here!
George (intrigued, despite himself); What is happening here?
Newman (looking about, then leaning in towards George); I can't discuss too much of it here out in the open! Their eyes are everywhere!
George; Whose eyes?
Newman; Them! Look, I know a guy who knows another guy who has a cousin in secret places that knows the truth about Sudoku! If you want to meet him, I can arrange a rendezvous.
George; You're crazy!
Newman; Am I? Or am I actually making myself a target by telling you this? Decide now, Costanza! Do you want to know the truth? The globally-ranging truth about that insidious Sudoku brain teaser, or are you a mouse, ready to jump back into his little cubby hole, never to learn the truth? Never to know what's really happening here?!
George rocks back and forth, barely holding in another outburst, frustrated that he must trust Jerry's worst enemy for his answers.
George; Awwwriiiight! I give! Get me a meeting with your guy! Any time, any place! Just let me in on this thing!
Newman (his mischievous smile returns) Ex-cellent!
INTERIOR SHOT - JERRY'S APARTMENT
Jerry and a lovely blond woman are on his couch, embracing each other as they kiss. She pulls away, breathless, and with a hungry look in her eyes.
Tara; Wow! I've never been kissed like that!
Jerry (faking modesty); Not that I want to brag, but-
The phone rings, they both look at it, but Jerry shakes his head.
Jerry; Probably just a telemarketer. Ignore it.
They return to kissing as the phone keeps ringing. Finally, Jerry's answering machine picks up the call.
Jerry (voiceover on tape of answering machine): I'm not in! Leave a message...or else!
Tara (pulling away, and standing up): Jerry, I've never felt this way about a man! I think we should continue this in your-
Uncle Leo (voiceover on the phone): Jerrrry? Hellloooo! It's your Uncle Leo! I got a hot tip for ya! Actually, from your Cousin Jeffrey...
Jerry looks at Tara, his eyes popping open, clearly distracted by the phone call.
Uncle Leo (voiceover on the phone); So, anyways, he says this Bob Sacamarakka's, Sammowhatever, is in the park- right now!
Jerry pulls away from a surprised Tara, and leaps over the couch for the phone like an Olympic athlete. He grabs the phone, as a startled, confused Tara looks on.
Jerry; UNCLE LEO! UNCLE LEO! I'm here! Where's Sacamano?! Uh-huh! Yes! Yes, I know that part of Central Park! Okay, great! Thanks! Whatwhatwhat? No, I don't know if Sally Field is guest-starring on Stargate SG-1 tonight! Okay, okay, bye!
Jerry hangs up the phone and dashes across his apartment as he gathers his car keys and jacket, swings open his front door and runs out, slamming it behind him. Tara stares at the closed door, which bursts open, as Jerry, wide-eyed and breathless tries to explain.
Jerry; Uh, uh, uh, HI! I gotta go! Difficult to explain! You're beautiful, you really are! And I'm having a great time and want to see you again, but this is really important! Gotta find a guy in the park, 'cause he doesn't really exists, but he does, and I gotta know for sure who and what he does and if he knows me! Kramer knows the whole storyandhewon'ttellmethetruthsoI'mgoingtothepark!B ye!
Jerry runs back out into the hallway and slams the door behind him, but it doesn't close. As it slowly swings open, a confused Kramer appears with a couple bags of Chinese food, looking confused. When he and Tara make eye contact they smile at each other, and Kramer instantly goes into Charming Mode.
Kramer; Wellll...helloooo, there.
Tara (smiling, and playing with a strand of her blond hair); Hi, cutey.
Kramer; Yes, I am! And so are you.
Tara; What do you have there?
Kramer (glancing down at his bags); I believe it's moo-goo gai pan, chicken fried rice, and sweet and sour ribs...for two, now!
Tara smiles, rises from Jerry's couch, and enters Kramer's apartment as he ushers her inside with a confident smile.
Kramer; Giddy-up! (He begins to close his door) Hey, do you like veal scaloppini?
EXTERIOR SHOT - CENTRAL PARK
It's early evening, and the park is bustling with activity as Elaine tries to coordinate her fashion shoot for the Southern Goth Belle hat. Elaine looks frazzled and out of her element, while her assistants and photographer seemingly ignore her. Li-ZAH is off to one side, getting her makeup touched up by a male makeup artist.
Liza; Hey! Like, what's that stuff you're putting on me?
Makeup Artist (confused, looking at her applicator and sounding obvious); Uh...eye shadow?
Liza; Oh. Okay. Is that, like, a new invention? What's it for?
Makeup Artist; For your eyes! Duh!
Liza; Really? Nobody told me that I'd be, like, getting laser eye surgery tonight! Cool. Whatever.
People rush by Elaine, their minds on their own jobs and generally being unhelpful to her.
Elaine; Stan, could you- Hey, Brian, I need- Karen, I need your- Heyyy! Why's everyone ignoring me! I'm in charge! And I want my bonus so you guys better help me right now!
Peggy; Can I be of assistance, Elaine?
Elaine turns around and finds the germ phobic Peggy in what appears to be a surgical mask and cap, rubber gloves and a full-body apron. Elaine's about to tell her something, but reconsiders.
Elaine; Uh...no. Thank you, Peggy.
Peggy; Good! I fear I'm in need of another dose of hand cleanser! Being out in this germ-infested park at night has me quite freaked out! Excuse me!
Peggy dashes off, and an assistant rushes across the grass, his shoulder bumping Elaine so hard she nearly falls down.
Elaine; Heyyyy! You're fired! Whoever you are!
Liza (to the makeup artist); I only want my good side shot. It's, like, my left side, and not, like my right side. So why do I need, like, eye shadow on my right eyelid?
EXTERIOR SHOT - CENTRAL PARK
Based on Uncle Leo's information, Jerry finds himself wandering Central Park, desperate to catch a glimpse of the elusive Bob Sacamano, only to come up empty. Everyone he meets doesn't match Kramer's description of the mysterious unseen friend. He walks past a statue of a man on a horse, and notices a grungy-looking man in a trench coat on the grass digging a hole. They make eye contact, so Jerry hurries away.
Jerry enters to a different area, but stops with a frustrated sigh to collect his thoughts and look around the darkening park, and peers into the darkening nether regions of the park off-screen. A cleared throat from behind catches his attention.
Voice; Ahem! Yo! Is that you, Jerry!
Jerry spins around, hoping to see Bob Sacamano, but his shoulders slump as he recognizes the face of his fellow stand-up comedian.
Jerry (glancing away, disinterested); Ugh. Hey, Bania. What's up?
Bania (nervous, with his hands raised); Er...not much. Getting robbed, mostly.
We see Kenny Bania is not alone, and has his hands raised because a masked mugger has a gun pointed at him.
Jerry (distracted, and looking away); Really? That's nice. I'm sure it'll work out for you. Hey, have you seen a guy that sorta looks like a combination of me and George and Elaine wearing suspenders?
Bania; Howabout a little help here, Jer? I know kung-fu, but this guy doesn't believe me!
Jerry; Actually, nobody does at the comedy clubs.
Bania; Really?! That sucks! 'Cuz I'm good! (Directly to the robber) Really good!
Robber; Sez you! Hand over yer wallet, pretty boy!
Jerry (still distracted); Anyways, Bania, gotta go. Gotta meet somebody around here.
Jerry leaves, and Bania reluctantly reaches into his jacket for his wallet, pulling it out. He hands it to the robber, then screeches loudly and makes several awkward martial arts kicks and chops, forcing the surprised robber to fire his gun wildly. Bania squeals like a little girl, and runs off away from the crook, unharmed, but terrified.
EXTERIOR SHOT - CENTRAL PARK
Elaine is inspecting Liza's makeup job when she hears what appears to be a gunshot somewhere else in the park.
Elaine; Did you hear that?
Liza; What? Like, voices in your head? I get that all the time. Just like Tyra and Oprah!
Elaine; Not that! Didn't that sound like a gunshot to either of you?
Makeup Artist; I had a Ford Escort that used to backfire like that.
Liza; If I'm going to wear, like, eye shadow and stuff I want a gun, too!
Elaine; No guns for you! Forget it! Forget it! Just be quiet and get into position!
Liza (clicking her tongue and sounding bored) Tch! You sound like my boyfriend!
Elaine; I'll bet! Okay, so Liza, stand- I mean, Li-ZAH...stand there with a faraway, distant look on your face in that direction...(under her breath)...which shouldn't be difficult for you, you pea-brained bimbo!...(returning to normal volume)...and look as pretty as you can, holding your Southern Goth Belle hat.
Liza (yanking off the hat, holding it straight out before her, and making her fluffy hair stand up on end); What? Like this?
Hair Stylist; AAAAUUGH! Your hair! My three hours of work is ruined!
Makeup Artist; OhmyGod, Elise! You poor thing! Noooo! Don't touch your eyes!
Liza (rubbing one eye, and smudging the makeup): I have to! I have, like, eye snot or something in it! Hey! This stuff is, like, dark blue, but I have brown eyes!
Peggy (running past); Germs! Germs! I think I'm going to throw up!
Makeup Artist; All my efforts are ruined!
Hair Stylist; You poor dear! Call the police! Arrest her! Arrest her!
Makeup Artist; This is an outrage! I shall complain to the highest authority, ! You can expect your name to figure prominently in my letter to Secretary of State!
Elaine (confused and looking every which way, panicking as she watches the photo shoot deteriorate into chaos); No, no, wait! Just relax everybody! That's it! Just relax! Just work together! You can do it! Do it for your careers! Do it for my nice, pretty bonus, for God's sake!
Liza; Tyra wouldn't have, like, this much trouble filming a dumb hat commercial, with guns and stuff!
Elaine; It's not a commercial, you brainless walking stick! It's a photo shoot for a magazine!
Liza; Magazine?
Elaine (exasperated); YES!
Liza (considering this tidbit of information); Didn't they, like, stop writing those things in, like, the sixties?
Jerry; Elaine!
Elaine; Jerry?! What're you doing here?!
Jerry; Uncle Leo told me that stupid ol\ Bob Sacamano is around here somewhere, but I never saw him! Did you?
Elaine; Jer, I already told you guys that I don't even remember having a dater with Bob! I couldn't begin to tell you what Bob Sacamano looks like!
Jerry (squinting suspiciously at her): And yet, you're on a first name basis with...Bob!
Liza; Can I, like, go home now? I need to wax my buttocks.
Jerry (giving up, and slapping his sides with his arms); Well, I'm not gonna see this goof, Sacamano, around here by the looks of it. (he suddenly realizes what he just heard, and steps in front of Liza, pushing Elaine aside) Need a hand?
Elaine; Oh, Jer, that'd be so great, because...Jer? Jerrrr-rry!
Elaine watches, incredulous, as Jerry strolls off, arm in arm, with Liza, who tosses the Southern Goth Belle hat onto the grass, her messy hair sticking up every which way, and leaves the shoot.
Makeup Artist; Welll, Ms. Benes?
Hair Stylist; Whether this shoot is done or not, I'm still getting paid!
Elaine bends down and picks up the Southern Goth Belle hat, and squashes it onto her head.
Elaine; And so am I! That fembot bimbo isn't gonna screw me outta my bonus! You! Makeup Guy! Hit me with some of that black eye shadow and quick! Elise, get that photographer over here and let's get shooting! If Li-ZAH doesn't want to be the face of this photo shoot then I'm gonna be it, instead!
The Makeup Artist shrugs his shoulders and begins smearing dark eye shadow onto Elaine, as Elaine mumbles to herself.
Elaine; Bonus money...think of the bonus money...
EXTERIOR SHOT - A FOGGY PIER AT NIGHT
It's late- sometime around 4 AM on a foggy New York City pier by the harbor. A foghorn wails in the darkness and gentle waves cause a buoy bell to ring. George is dressed in an overcoat and appears chilly, but anxious, pacing back and forth on the pier by himself.
Stranger; PSST!
George (spinning around, peering into the murky fog, his voice quivering a little); H-hello?
Stranger; You Costanza?
George; Yes! Are you Newman's friend? I need to know the truth about Sudoku!
The man identified as 'The Stranger' appears in an elaborate costume. He's wearing a purple cape and fedora, a polka-dot handkerchief over his mouth, dark sunglasses, and white gloves. His heavy fur coat trails down to his feet, and as he approaches he stumbles on it, and lands in a heap. He loses his hat, and struggles to recover it to hide his balding head, and waves off help from George. He recovers his composure and stares at George, speaking calmly, as if the fall never happened.
Stranger; First...the password exchange.
George; Do we have to?! I just wanna-
Stranger; Hey, kid! We do this my way, or I walk! What's it gonna be?
George (biting his lip, considering the warning and finally nodding agreement, as he pulls out a piece of paper to read from); Okay, okay. Ahem! The blue raven is drowsy and insufferable.
Stranger; The owl has had a panic attack and will not drive his Ferrari.
George (rolling his eyes at the nonsensical code-play); My dog tells me that the city of Cleveland smells like the city of Pittsfield.
Stranger; Pittsburgh!
George; Whatever! I am who I say I am! So get on with it! Tell me everything you know about Sudoku!
Stranger (looking over his shoulder twice, and then back to George); It is said that only a great man of vast intelligence can solve The One True Mystery Of Our Time, which is Sudoku. A man that has no name, no home, and rides into town in a '69 Ford Mustang. He will walk among us, but none shall know he is there-
George; What does that have to do with the damned Sudoku puzzles I can't solve?!
Stranger; I'm getting to it! Where was I? Oh, yes. '69 Ford Mustang. We shall all attempt our powers of intelligence versus the murky puzzle, wrapped in a conundrum that posing as an enigma puzzle that is Sudoku, but such a contemptible mystery has but one method of success, and that is...nonexistent! Not even the guy with the '69 Ford Mustang will be able to solve the mystifying, brainteaser riddle of ludicrous numerical enigmas!
George; Then...you don't know to solve Sudoku?
Stranger; Uhhhhh...no. Not at all.
George; Then why're we here?! Newman arranged this whole ridiculous rendezvous! Why're we here?!
Stranger; Actually, I have this hot little orange '69 Ford Mustang that I'd like to sell! It's got 306,000 miles on it, and with a little paint-
George: AAARRRRGGGHH!
George freaks out, and hurries away knocking the Stranger aside, who loses his balance, and nearly falls into the river. He exhales and chuckles to himself, relieved that he saved himself, turns, and accidently steps off the pier into the frigid waters of the East River with a big splash.
EXTERIOR SHOT - MONK'S CAFE
A day time shot, several days later. A man is chatting up a young woman, unaware her boyfriend, a six-foot six tall monster of a man is approaching him from behind, cracking his knuckles.
INTERIOR SHOT - MONK'S CAFE
Jerry pokes his head in, looks around the busy restaurant, and sees Kramer at their usual table, sitting alone.
Kramer; JERRY! Over here!
Jerry doesn't enter Monk's yet.
Jerry; SSSHHH! Is Elaine here?
Kramer; No. Why? (Jerry enters Monk's, holding the hand of a pretty blond woman. Kramer grins, knowingly) Ooooh. You studmuffin, you!
Jerry ushers the woman to the table, but she doesn't sit down.
Jerry; Kramer, this is Li-ZAH! Li-ZAH, this is Kramer.
Kramer (He twitches from the shouted 'ZAH!' from Jerry, then smiles; Yo!
Liza (to Jerry); I have to pee, like, a lot.
Jerry; Bathrooms are back there. Go inside the one with, like, the sign of the lady wearing the pointy little black dress.
Liza; Cool.
Liza gives him a kiss and leaves, and Jerry sits across from Kramer, who's still smiling mischievously.
Jerry; What?!
Kramer; How many chicks are you trying to juggle here, buddy?! First Tara, then Elaine, now Lizaaah?
Jerry; It's not like that. Not really. Tara dumped me. She, like found a new boyfriend.
Kramer (shifts uncomfortably in his seat, but Jerry doesn't react to his embarassment) Really? That's a shame.
Jerry; Yeah. But, I really like Li-ZAH. She's, like, a model, you know. I've never met a girl like her.
Kramer; You don't say?
Jerry; Fer sure. And she's been, like, a fresh breath of air for me. I even feel, like I'm, like, a different person, know what I'm saying? She's really, like, rubbed off on me, but I don't really, like, know how. Can you tell?
Kramer; Uh. Maybe.
Jerry; I really like her, but hanging around her is, like, hurting my, uh, (he points at his forehead) my head thing?
Kramer; Your brain?
Jerry; Yeah! That's it!
Kramer; So, what's the deal with not wanting to see Elaine?
Jerry; The reason I wanted to, like, avoid Elaine is because this girl, Li-ZAH, was the model at her Southern Goth Belle shoot, and it, like, ended in a mess, so I didn't want her to know that I was, sorta, dating her model, know what I'm saying?
Kramer; You devil!
Jerry; The thing is, the guilt is really getting to me! You have, like, no idea of the twists and turns and subterfuge I've had to stoop to, just to keep the two of them apart!
Kramer; You don't say?
Jerry; Yes! I've had to lie about where I'm going, who I'm, like, hanging around with, intentionally missing meetings and phone calls! It's crazy trying to keep these two different, crazy people apart! And I don't dare allow them to meet up! The consequences...
Kramer (knowingly, still smiling, and leaning back in his seat); Reeeeally?
Jerry thinks about what he just said, and how he was prevented from meeting Bob Sacamano by Kramer and shrugs his shoulders.
Jerry; So I guess never meet the elusive Bob Sacamano?
Kramer; Not for a long time, I'm afraid. His latest scheme got him into a little trouble with he law, and now he's in jail!
Jerry; Jail?! You're his friend- why don't you, like, bail him out?
Kramer; 'cause he's in a Vietnamese jail! I don't have the kinda dough needed to bail him out!
Jerry; Hm.. Who does? (Jerry looks around and back at the front door) So where's George? Wasn't he, like, supposed to meet us here?
Kramer; He called to cancel. Said something about being on TV...
INTERIOR SHOT - CNN TV STUDIO
George is sitting at a desk, across from CNN TV personality, Pierce Morgan.
Pierce; Welcome back. In the final moments of tonight's show, I thought I'd end the show with a new segment I call, Are You For Real?. My guest is one, George Costanza of New York City-
George (waving to the camera with a big smile): Hi, Ma! Lookit me! I'm on TV! Your Georgie is actually on CNN!
Pierce; Anyways, here purports that the daily newspaper puzzle known as 'Sudookoo'-
George (reaching forward with a big smile and tapping Pierce on the hand); Sudoku, Pierce! S-U-D-O-K-U, not S-U-D-O-O-K-O-O. And may I call you 'Pierce'?
Pierce; Whatever. And no.
George; Uh, okay. But, I should point out that between what you called it and what it's actually called is a big difference! Big, big, big difference!
Pierce; Stop talking. Anyways, this gentleman believes that Sudoku is impossible to solve, and that a national, even world-wide conspiracy exists.
George; Yes, Pierce! It's impossible to complete! Now way, no how, not gonna happen, my friend! And I have proof!
George heaves up stacks of newspapers and his Sudoku puzzle book from Barnes And Noble onto the desk with a THUMP!, while Pierce just stares at him. George waves a hand towards his proof, as if it's a prize on The Price Is Right.
Pierce; You really are, ridiculous, . May I bring to your attention today's Sudoku puzzle in today's paper? (He presents George with a newspaper and George checks it out.) As you can see, there's today's game, and may I ask what you see a few inches from it?
George; Oh, Schnitzer's is having a sale on marble rye! Ha! Hey, Pierce; funny story! My friend, Jerry Seinfeld and I needed to switch a loaf of Schnitzer's- ?
Pierce; No, not that, you twit! Right beside it! Here! Here! Here!
George; It's a...miniature Sudoku. I can barely see the numbers, but it's the example Sudoku.
Pierce; 'Example Sudoku'?
George; Yea! It's what the puzzle could look like with every box filled, but it can never be, because it's unsolv-
Pierce (becoming flustered and impatient); It's the answers to yesterday's bloody Sudoku, you git! It's not an example! Every day they print yesterday's answers to Sudoku! There is no conspiracy! There never was! You were just too thick-headed to notice the prior day's answers!
George; But...but I...no, that can't be...But, I can't...solve...oooh, maaaan!
Pierce; This has been today's segment of Are You For Real?. Join me tomorrow where I'll show off my vast intelligence, as compared to some other meathead. Unless, you'd like to come back tomorrow for more abuse, ?
George thinks about it.
George; Can I get paid next time?
Pierce; No! SECURITY!
ROLL END CREDITS
Dedicated to the millions of people out there who have ever tried to successfully complete a Sudoku puzzle and failed again and again.
Keep trying- I've finished three whole puzzles myself!...out of about 150 attempts!