As always, the characters are not mine and the title is a blatant rip-off. Waitaminute, the whole story's a disclaimer.Read on!

This story comes from a morbid obsession with suburbanite Voldemort.

Dedicated to Nick-at-Nite. May Bill Cosby live forever!

Reviews are not necessary, but appreciated.

The Fractured Fairytales Fingerpuppet Show Players hesitantly present:

I Love Lucius.

First a message from the Fingerpuppet Players: Due to "artistic" differences, our beloved narrator will not be joining us. Nor will our audience, for which we have substituted a laugh track. Enjoy.

Note: This play will be in black and white.

::Curtains open to reveal the stage set like a 1950's apartment. Everything is in shades of grey. Lucius Malfoy is cleaning, his hair held back by a do- rag. As he flicks his wand at some rags, which busy themselves dusting tables, he sings aloud::

Lucius::singing:: "One lil', two lil', three lil' muggles" ::looks around the room and gives a satisfied nod. Plops down in a chair:: "Whew! Cleaning always takes so much out of me."

::laugh track rolls::

::The door opens and in walks Voldemort. He is wearing his usual wizarding robes, carrying a briefcase and a tie hangs around his neck(it helps if you picture this)::

Voldemort:"Lucy, I'm ho-oome!"

Note from the Fingerpuppet Players: We do not own this phrase, nor do we claim to. This is owned by the Ricardo family. We are not using this phrase for profit, but donations will gladly be accepted. Now back to the show.

Lucius::standing up and walking over to Voldemort:: "Hello, Dear."

Note from the Fingerpuppet Players: Kiss has been censored due to confirmation to the 1950's muggle code of televised morality. Though we don't give a flip ourselves, we have no desire to offend anyone and cause a fiasco like last time.(still waiting for the fiasco to happen) Thank you for your time.

Lucius: "How was your day?"

Voldemort::shakes his head:: "Not good, Honey. I saw several muggles today, but I just couldn't manage to..."

Note from the Fingerpuppet Players: The words "kill them buggers" has been censored due to the fact that some people are too touchy for their own good.::muttering:: crybabies

Lucius: "Oh, dear. You must be losing your touch."

Voldemort: "Maybe not. When I saw them, I was..."

Note from the Fingerpuppet Players: Line censored due to the fact that no one wants to picture Voldemort taking a dump, unless you're psychologically disturbed freaks.

Note from the Fingerpuppet Players: We could not censor ourselves in time and therefore are profoundly sorry for any offense or distress caused to said freaks.

Note from the Fingerpuppet Players: Does anyone else feel that these cencorship regulations are getting re-frigging-diculous?

Note from the Fingerpuppet Players: Again?! Fine! Blah, blah, blah. Apologize for any offense. Don't hunt us down and kill us.

Note from the Fingerpuppet Players: Cut it out! I'm not doing it anymore!

Note from the Fingerpuppet Players: No, I mean it!

Note from the Fingerpuppet Players: That's it! I quit! I'm getting too old for this sh...

::suddenly cuts back to the play::

Lucius: Oh, I love you, too, Dear!

::laugh track rolls::

The End

Heckler:About time! This sucks!