NOTE: So this is what I get for listening to chasing cars. No more throwbacks for the next few weeks, kid. That I said to myself.
XXxX
The wind is cold but it's not raining.
Not yet.
The coldness of the wind, its heavy touch on my skin, reminds me of Beca.
My best friend.
She was weird and all but was pretty cool. She's like this typical weird kid that every school has. She likes music and most of her time is spent alone.
I was 17 when I met her. She came from a not so nearby state. Her dad was a professor in a university in the area. Her parents divorced when she was only 9 and she spent the last 7 years with her mom, as part of the bargain that her mother had with his dad (because her dad was supposed to have custody but being the man that he is, he made a compromise), the next few years would be spent with him up until she graduate.
When she came to school everyone looked at her as if she was an alien from another planet. Not a lot of people wanted to make friends or even just talk to her.
A lot of people thought of her as a hostile loser. I used to hear the kids say this during lunch. It was mean, yes. That got me wondering.
And by the way it looked; she made sure that no one would approach her. She held a kind of image that made sure that no one will.
She would wear thick eyeliners that made her glare pretty scary.
It was scary. I know.
I was scared. At first.
It was during that rainy day that I got to talk to her. Most of the kids were being picked by their parents and mine was late.
As I approach the front of the school I saw her standing and started a conversation.
"Hey, would your parents pick you up?"
She just looked at me. No answer.
"You don't like to talk, do you?"
Silence. Even though I knew that she wouldn't answer me I got to try.
"I'm Chloe."
"You like talking, do you?"
And that was the first time I saw her smile. It wasn't a smile actually. She smirked.
Well, that was adorable. I made the badass kid -who punched the guy on the football team, who threw juice at bobby because he was being a jerk and was hurting Annie, and the first person in class to use the expression 'fuck me' and got away with it- smile.
"I know you. We're in the same class. "
"You've heard of me. That's a good thing right?"
"Miss Homecoming, Smartest kid in class, Second to Blondie Head Cheerleader, Everyone's apple of the eye. Yeah, I've heard of you. It's annoying."
"I would take that as a compliment." She smiled. This time for real. It was nice talking to her but my dad came and I asked her if we could drop her off but she said she'll wait.
It started from there.
I don't know why or how it happened but she got under my skin. I wanted to know more about her.
To other people, she's a sore loser (Again. I only heard that from other kids. Not that I would use that to describe her).
To me, she's a mystery.
To other people, she's weird.
To me, she's also weird. Well, let's admit it. She is weird. But a good kind of weird. She's like the depths of the ocean. You will only know what lies within if, and only if, you dive into the unknown and get to know her.
Barging into her shower was never my intention. I heard someone singing. My dad said that when you hear your calling, you need to follow it and I did.
She was my calling.
Maybe it was because we get to see each other skin to skin that's why she started being nice to me.
She shared little conversation with me when I sit beside her during classes.
I also get to talk to her when I notice that she finds difficulties in math. She never asked for help but you know me.
Wait...
Maybe that was the only reason why she ever talked to me!
And boom. We became friends.
I was able to make her join the glee club though she doesn't want to at first.
It was one of the biggest achievements I had.
She turned out to be something else.
People might see her as the weird kid on the block but to me, she was the ray of sunshine.
She started to make friends with other club members. Well, not the kind of friendship that we have but that's a start.
She was never the touchy person and she'd always glare at Jessica when she'd hug her, but when I do that... There was never the death glare. She complains, yeah but she never moves away from me.
"Chloe! Stop hugging me in public."
"So I can hug you in private?"
"Hell no, you are such a dork,"
"Whatever, Becs."
A lot of people didn't realize that we have so much in common... taste in music, well the kind of food we enjoy, the thoughts about life and about death. We had those kinds of talks at a very young age and it was real. So fucking real. And well, we share the same opinions sometimes. Body mechanisms too.
We have our differences though. Which were pretty quite similar to our similarities. I never really understood her love for Kesha and Iggy. Or why she's so weird most of the time. Or even her very pessimistic way of thinking. And height.
but..
She taught me so much. So so much about life.
She said that it wasn't always sun shiny days. You will have a lot of rainy days, even twice or thrice the sunny days but those rainy days will make the sunny days even more memorable.
She said that pain was inevitable and she said that she read that somewhere and it wasn't original.
But pain makes you stronger. It makes you better that the person you are right now.
She enjoyed sharing the things she read from books or things she learned somewhere.
She said that she liked that thought in the book that says that there are all kinds of love and she would love to see the different shades of love.
And that people we love never leave us even if they go away.
She's really an amazing person.
She was there when I my parents fought.
Or when our first performance was a flop,
Or when I gained an extra 2 pounds but I still wanna eat,
Or when I feel the drama is in my head,
Or when I just simply need somebody.
She was there.
She became my refuge in times of need and in times of pain.
She was the shoulder I can lean on.
She was like a sister to me.
My best friend.
My soul mate.
I know she knows that we are of one heart.
She became a part of me, as I also, became a part of her.
We hold hands when we walk and it doesn't feel weird.
We cuddle in bed during sleepovers and it was pretty good. Though I swear sometimes it made my heard race when I get to feel her breath hitting my skin.
I could not imagine a life without Beca anymore.
She became a need; her very existence became a necessity for me.
It's like our whole existence revolved around each other.
Though we still get to have other friends.
We made our plans for the future. Everything seemed perfect.
But then, with just one blink, everything changed.
Everything.
One day, she came to me & said that her plans for the future changed & unfortunately, she did not include me in her change of plans.
"What do you mean?"
"Look Chloe, we need space. I need space. We've been stuck with each other for such a long time now."
I looked at her not able to find words to express how I felt.
"You need to go out in the world and not be tied to me. Go after your dreams. Your real dreams"
"I am. I thought we'll do this together?"
And there it was... the gloom, the darkness.
"Chloe, don't. don't limit your dreams because you are tied up to me."
"I don't—why are you saying this?"
"because I don't want to limit my dreams because I'm tied up with you too."
That's what hurt me the most. I know we've been together for a short period of time, and we're not even in a relationship, well, we are. We are best friends. We are BeChloe.
She said she wanted to study elsewhere. New York.
I didn't ask for her further explanation. I was too much in a wreck to be able to stop her.
She said we needed to grow separately for our own good.
A year later...
I started college and it was a whole new experience. Thousand miles away from home and I was even able to meet new friends.
Not as intense as the friendship I had with a certain dork, but yeah.
I found out that life can still be great even w/o her. We didn't have any communication. I made sure of that. I hated her so much, well, I thought that was hate. But it was my pride. And I was hurt.
The biggest revelation is that I was diagnosed with a weak heart & to make matters worse, I'm gonna die soon.
Well, thank you family for handing me down the weakest possible heart.
6 months passed...
It seemed hopeless.
Here I am waiting for someone to die and donate his/her heart to me.
It made me feel like the worst person in the planet. How could I ever think that?
Well, Maybe I should just be preparing.
I remembered a friend.
I wanted to see her.
I wanted to spend my few remaining moments with her.
But i didn't want her to feel pity on me.
What I didn't know is that my mom asked Beca's father so she can contact her. My mom's a pure genius. I have not thought of doing that.
I was still mad about her leaving me.
But with my few remaining time, I want to spend it with her, with my best friend. My soul mate.
So with arms wide open, I took her back in my life.
Things in my life were so ugly but when Beca returned, everything fell into place.
Our doctor called and said that there was someone who's already counting the days and is willing to donate
That was the best news I had.
I get to spend all of my time with all the ones that I love.
We were able to do the things we used to do way back then.
This was perfect.
"Are you scared?"
"Nope." I said proudly.
"You know during the operation, there'd be lots of blood, and needles, and blinding lights and scary doctors."
"hey. You are supposed to make me feel good about the operation. Not the other way around."
"Well, Reality's a bitch."
"You'd be there right?"
"of course. Where else would I be?"
"I figured you'd be running again."
"Not this time, Beale. Not this time."
She smiled and gave me a kiss. (Well, won't tell you where.)
But then after few days, I was rushed to the hospital.
I needed the operation.
It was a success. The first face that i saw when I woke was Beca's.
"Glad to know you're still here." My eyes closed because the light seemed to be such a bitch.
"Becs?" She pressed my hand to let me know that she heard me.
"Lay with me." And she did. I moved a little so make space for her. Luckily the hospital bed was big. She moves really smooth and it was amazing.
I kept my eyes closed and I heard her singing a lullaby.
We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
I remembered how we used to listen to that song every time. Beca's voice was soft, almost a whisper but it was very clear to me. Clear as the memories of our first meeting, of the first time she smiled, or said fucked.
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
I will treasure this moment. I'm sure. The world is very dark right now, but I know better things are coming.
Then I heard her sniffed.
"Are you crying?"
She pressed my hand.
And gave me a kiss. (Won't tell where.)
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I wish I could stay like this. But awake.
I didn't really want to fall asleep right now but I'm slowly losing that battle.
The way Beca held me was reassuring. It made me feel that I'm safe, that it will be alright.
That she was there. And she will never leave.
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Xxxxx
When I woke up, I saw my parents. A few minutes later I asked where Beca was.
My mom said that she needs to finish her paper and do something about her school.
I didn't ask further. She needs to do this. She'll be back.
When I finally recovered few months later, my mom said she's not returning. The whole family—her dad and step family (I don't know if you can use that) moved to Manhattan.
I started to tremble. Mom said they went back right away.
She left me again... It's like she vanished from the face of the earth. That figures. Her mom worked for the CIA so I guess that was possible.
It sucks. She's there during my darkest hours but when everything's almost
perfect, she disappears.
3 years later...
I heard the news that Beca's family came back. I didn't want to see them but my mom insisted (And I have no idea why she's pushing me)that I should pay them a visit. So I did.
I didn't want to see her. But I didn't even know if she's there.
When I came, Beca's mom was the one who faced me.
Weird because there was her biological mom and maybe step dad, then her dad and the step family.
She hugged me & said that Beca had been waiting for me for so long.
When she said that, I didn't know what to feel.
Was it hatred or longing? She took me to Beca.
I was surprised when she took me somewhere.
I don't know why we needed to drive to where she was.
Was this like a movie or something?
As we approached the place where she was, I started to shatter into million pieces.
When I saw Beca again, I wanted to slap her, I wanted to ask her why but i didn't.
I just knelt in front of her & started to cry.
There was nothing I can do.
It was then i realized how selfish I was.
I never asked her if she's really okay even when it seems that she's not,
Or why she seemed to grow paler and paler, or why she was losing weight the last few months we were together.
I didn't even tell her : "Beca, I know you need me. I am here."
I know that I didn't have to say that because she knew that I am, but it could've made things turn out differently.
It was always "I know you need me, that's why I'm here, you idiot! Quit pouting! I'm here now. You'll be okay."
Now I understand why she told me that she'll always be with me no matter what.
She was right.
We'll be together forever.
She was actually here with me all this time.
HERE IN MY HEART.