The Words I Couldn't Say
June 24th
'This was fun.' Brittany exclaimed as she walked up the path holding Santana's hand.
'Yeah it was.' Santana grinned. 'Do you like the stuffed duck?'
'I love it! But you spent like twenty dollars to win it for me. We could have bought one for cheaper than that.'
'True.' Santana agreed. 'But that wouldn't have been nearly as fun.' She smiled, leading the blonde up to the front porch of her house.
'Thanks for walking me home.'
'Of course B. I wasn't gonna let you go alone now was I?' Santana informed her. Brittany was smiling at her madly. And after a few seconds she moved in closer and pressed their lips together.
'What was that for?' Santana asked as they pulled apart.
'Just, thanks.' Brittany walked over to sit on the swing next to her front door, Santana moving swiftly after her and rocking the chair slightly as she sat next to Brittany. They sat there swinging gently for a moment before Brittany stated to speak. 'San?'
'Yeah B.' Santana kicked her feet along the ground as the swing moved.
'Do you want to be my girlfriend?'
'Of course I do.' Santana laughed. 'How could I not want to be your girlfriend?'
'Good. Because I really want to be your girlfriend too.' Brittany pulled Santana in closer, running a hand down her cheek before kissing her again. 'So shall we tell the guys in glee?' Brittany asked.
'Tell them?' Santana looked confused. 'Why would we tell them?'
'Well, we're a couple now. Like Rachel and Finn, and Sam and Mercedes.'
'What's your point Brit?'
'We should be like them.' Brittany looked into Santana's eyes and could immediately see the fear.
'But we're not like them Brit. No one even knows I'm gay.'
'So then, lets tell them.'
'Brittany, it's not that simple.' Santana sighed, running her hands through her hair.
'Don't you love me San?' Brittany was about to cry, Santana could tell from the tone in her voice.
'Of course I love you.' She took the blonde's hands I her own. 'I just think people might take this the wrong way.'
'People? You mean your parents, and the kids at school.'
'Yeah, those people.' Santana tried to smile but Brittany wasn't having any of it.
'Did you know that Artie asked me out again yesterday? He wants to get back together.'
'He what? Remind me to roll him into some traffic or something.' But then Santana saw the look on her best friends face. 'What did you tell him Brittany?'
'I said that I would think about it.' She pulled her hands free of Santana's and got up, walking over to the wooden banister over looking her front yard.
'You… you're going to go out with him again aren't you?' Santana could feel herself shiver. Not from cold but from fear.
'I think I am, yeah.' Brittany didn't turn around when she said it. She hugged her arms around herself as the wind blew through her hair.
'Brit, please don't.' She whispered, hating that her voice sounded so pathetic.
'I don't know what else to do San. You wont be with me and Artie is a really good guy.'
'I will be with you Brit. Look at me. I'm here, I am with you.' Santana pleaded, standing up. The sound of her moving enough to make Brittany turn around. She was crying.
'But you aren't with me. You're hiding.' She wiped her nose and went for her front door.
'B, what are you saying?' She sobbed, a solitary tear falling down her face.
'I'm saying it's all or nothing San. If you wont be yourself then I cant be with you. I don't want to help you pretend any more.'
'Brittany come on, just give me some time. I haven't really dealt with this myself yet, so how am I supposed to face other people dealing with it? Please.' She tried to walk up to the retreating blonde but Brittany had already stepped inside her house.
'They wont care Santana. You're awesome no matter who you're dating.'
'Brit, it's not about you okay. It's about everyone else. I would proudly walk down the hall holding your hand if I didn't think people would hurt us.' Santana stepped closer to the blonde as she hovered inside her doorway, the door in her hand as she got ready to close it.
'You'll never know until you try Santana. And I don't think anyone would care, you're just scared.'
'Damn straight, I'm scared Brittany. I'm scared every single day of my life..' Santana drifted off, exhaling heavily as tears leaked from her eyes.
'San, why?'
'I just am okay, please Brit. Please wait for me, a little longer.' Santana felt the desperation tearing through her. This couldn't be the moment she'd been dreading could it? The moment Brittany left her out in the cold.
'I think I've waited long enough Santana.' She smiled weakly as she closed the door. Leaving Santana standing alone on the porch. She felt like she couldn't breath. She felt like her heart was ripping into pieces and there was nothing she could do to stop it. But there was though, wasn't there? She could tell everyone, couldn't she? No fucking way. So she ran. She let the tears fall freely from her eyes as she sprinted as fast as she could and as far away from there as she could get. Her eyes were foggy with tears and sobs escaped her lips, panting as she ran. Her house was in the other direction but she didn't care. She didn't want to go back there at the best of times, let alone when she felt like she was dying inside. The houses were becoming sparser the further she ran. She knew she was heading out of town but she still didn't care. Her legs were burning and her head was spinning. Nothing seemed to matter to her any more as she passed the park and the mall and every other stupid thing in the town. She had Brittany. She had her and her own damn insecurities screwed it up. So Santana Lopez found a bench on the side of the road. She sat on it heavily and let her body fall to the side. She then let the heartbreak completely take her over as she laid there and cried.
June 30th
She hadn't seen or spoken to Brittan since that night. She occasionally got a text from her, making sure she was alright. Santana merely responded with 'yes' every single time, just to make sure the blonde didn't decide to come over. Because she knew she couldn't handle that. She also knew that Brittany had been dating Artie since that night. Facebook is a cruel invention, allowing Santana to see all of the fun things the cripple was doing with her. Brittany's status changing, almost by the hour, and almost always had something to do with him. She eventually un plugged her computer. If she didn't know about it, it wasn't true, right? The days and nights all seemed meaningless to Santana now, all bleeding in to one long stretch of time that didn't seem to have a foreseeable end. But it was today when a different glee clubber contacted her. Santana heard her phone buzzing so she rolled over across her bed and flipped it open. She expected it to be Brittany. It was always Brittany. What she didn't expect was the name that appeared on the screen.
Santana? Where the hell are you? - Quinn
I'm at fucking Disney World. What the fuck is it to you? - S
Hey easy. Just making sure you're okay. Apparently I'm wasting my time. - Quinn
Yes you are. Leave me alone. - S
Okay, she was being mean. She knew she was and she didn't care. Quinn Fabray hadn't said two words to her all summer and now she's suddenly concerned. Screw her. Screw everyone. So Santana lifted the covers back up over her head and drifted off into numbness. She didn't even check what the time was. Day time, night time, it was all the same. Lonely, and fucking depressing.
July 26th
No one had heard from Santana in a while. Quinn's texts were the last time someone tried to contact her. Besides from the occasional 'are you okay?' text from Brittany. Nobody really cared, Santana knew that. Mr Schu had asked them to do things together as a group over the summer, to keep up team moral after their loss at nationals and to keep them bonded whilst school was out. They hung out at the mall and went to the movies. They even managed to swing another trip to New York for a weekend and caught a show on Broadway. Santana didn't go, only Brittany thought to tell her anyway so she said she was visiting family. She walked around her house like a zombie, not doing anything remotely close to productive. Her parents were fed up with her before she fell out with Brittany and now they were just pissed off. 'What is the matter with you?' Her mother would shout. 'How did we get such a selfish daughter?' Her father pushed her one day. He asked her a question and she didn't respond so he thought sending her crashing into a wall would snap her out of it. It didn't. If anything it made her more secluded, not even wanting to step out of her room. This wasn't really new to Santana though. Her dad would occasionally get pissed off and it was just his gut reaction to lash out. The odd black eye once in a while never aroused any suspicion, 'I fell in the shower' was her excuse. Again, nobody really questioned it. Santana came downstairs every so often to steal some alcohol from her parents liquor cabinet. Yeah, she was drinking a lot lately. Something about an insane pounding in her head every morning reminded her that she was in fact still alive. That she could still feel things. Even though she didn't really want to any more. It surprised her that her parents hadn't noticed their disappearing stock of vodka. The Lopez adults liked there alcohol and Santana would always steer clear of them when the bottles came out. Her escape plan was Brittany's house. But now she needed a plan B. Her phone vibrated again as it sat on her bedside table, breaking out of her trance. She stretched her arm out and reached for it, not taking her eyes from the ceiling, and flipped it open.
Santana? - Quinn
She sighed. She didn't even know why she kept her phone on any more. That was what she thought as she looked at the text from one of her former best friends. She decided it would be best to reply.
What do you want? - S
Not even a minute later there was a reply. Quinn must have been hugging her cell.
I wanted to talk to you. - Quinn
No shit. About what? - S
About you. No one has seen you all summer. - Quinn
Your point? I've been busy. - S
No you haven't San. All Brit has been saying is that she's worried about you. - Quinn
She stared down at Brittany's name as a sob threatened to creep out of her mouth. Fighting back the tears she quickly typed a response.
She doesn't know what the fuck she's talking about. - S
And then she turned off her phone, throwing it across the room before grabbing a bottle of vodka from her side table. She drained it dry within the hour and fell into another painfully numb sleep.
August 14th
One more week before school started again. One more week before Santana would have to see her again. One more week before she had to pretend to be okay and act normal, and leave the shelter of her room. Shit. Her parents had gone on vacation the day before, which she was happy about. Now she didn't need to lock herself in the bathroom every time her dad yelled at her. And she could cry freely without her mother walking in and calling her pathetic. One whole week without anyone telling her she was worthless. Ah, bliss. Well that's what Santana thought. But then a familiar voice pounded through her head. 'Santana, what the hell is this?' She groaned, throwing the covers from her bed over her head as Quinn walked towards her. She looked around the room and kicked several bottles, empty bottles, of various alcohols around the room. 'Santana I asked you a question.'
'Yeah I fucking heard you.'
'You're front door was unlocked.' Quinn pointed out.
'As it always is.' Santana reminded her, not moving from under the covers.
'Santana.' Quinn shouted, yanking the duvet off of her and throwing it onto the floor. Quinn laid her eyes upon the girl, small and fragile as she sat with her back to the wall. There were more half empty bottles in the bed. 'Santana it's eleven in the morning.'
'And?' The brunette squinted up at her, with blood shot eyes and a sarcastic smile creeping onto her face.
'And? That's all you have to say? You're drunk.' Quinn motioned to the bottles around the room.
'Well spotted.' Santana giggled, biting her bottom lip to stop herself laughing harder.
'This is not a joke Santana. Is this what you've been doing all summer?' The worry in Quinn's eyes and the trembling in her voice almost made Santana believe she genuinely gave a fuck.
'Yep.' Santana said cheerfully, reaching out for one of the bottles on the bed. But before she could get there Quinn scooped it up and away from her. 'Fabray what the fuck?' She yelled.
'I'm getting you out of here. This is insane and you need to talk to me. We're getting coffee to sober you up.' She held out her hand to Santana, the stubborn Latina swatting it away as she sat up.
'Like fuck we are, give me my damn bottle.' Santana glared at her but made no more effort to move towards her.
'Okay sure, get up and take it from me.' Quinn antagonised her, waving the bottle in the air.
'Quinn.' Santana said sadly, not having enough stamina or strength, or will, to get up for it. Quinn knew she wouldn't. Just looking at her she could tell that she hadn't been eating, getting enough non-alcoholic beverages or doing anything good for her.
'How much have you eaten this summer San?'
'Enough to survive.' Santana informed her, grinning.
'Yeah, and how much have you thrown back up?' Quinn saw her face go paler and her eyes darken. 'You need to stop doing that San, and this.' She waved the bottle in the air once more before tossing it into the trash can. Then walking over to the brunette she held her hand out one last time.
'Fuck off Q. Why are you even here?' Santana asked, laying herself back down onto her side and bringing her knees up to her chest.
'I'm here because everyone's worried about you. It's like you died Santana. No one has heard from you or of you all summer.' Quinn sat on the end of her bed and reached out to touch her leg, only to have Santana pull away when contact was made.
'I am dead Q. I'm just stuck in this damn body.' She stared at the wall in front of her as Quinn searched her face.
'Santana..'
'Just leave me the fuck alone. For this week at least because god knows I wont be able to get rid of you when school starts again.'
'Fine.' Quinn sighed. 'But promise me you wont do anything stupid. Well, any more stupid than all of this.'
'Whatever.' Santana mumbled, closing her eyes as a tear escaped them. But it was only when she was sure Quinn had gone. When she heard the door slam closed she managed to scrape the duvet back from the floor, dragging it heavily back onto the bed and over herself. She made sure it covered her face, pulling it tightly around her and gripping onto her pillow. Then she broke again. Crying as hard as she possibly could until she either ran out of tears or fell into a nightmare. She didn't know which it would be at that moment, whichever came first.
August 27th
First day of school. Santana had managed to get up on time and was ready early. She didn't know what she expected really. Who knows if Quinn had told everyone about her little visit earlier in the month, blondie was getting a slap if she had, but Santana just didn't know what to do. Her parents were back so she didn't want to skip. And Brittany was at school so she didn't want to go. Either way she lost. So she would just have to suck it up, and hide at every opportunity she got. She stopped outside the school gate for a moment. Taking a breath to compose herself before she entered hell. If only she could drink on school premises. She was knocked out of her thoughts on ways to conceal alcohol when Quinn appeared next to her. 'Are you okay?' She asked, nudging the Latina on the shoulder as she looked her over.
'I'm here aren't I. That's the best I can do for you.' Santana replied emotionlessly as she stated walking towards the building.
'Alright then.' Quinn whispered, falling into step beside her. 'Are you hung over?' Quinn asked, looking at the Latina's blood shot eyes and tired expression.
'Nope.' Santana replied, eyes forwards.
'Are you still drunk?'
'Probably.' Santana grinned over at her as the blonde shot her an accusing look. Quinn said nothing more until they were in the building, pulling Santana into the nearest toilets. 'What the fuck caboosey?' Santana said spitefully, which Quinn chose to ignore as she made sure the stalls were empty. She then turned to face Santana, and the smaller girl had never seen such fire in her eyes.
'Do you think this is a fucking joke Santana? Do you think this is funny?' Santana grinned, Quinn did not.
'Well, obviously.' Santana lent against the far wall as she spoke, Quinn folding her arms over her chest.
'What happened to you over the summer San? I mean, you were always a moody bitch but you never hurt yourself.'
'I'm not hurting myself Q. I'm numbing myself.' She grinned again, Quinn really wanting to march over there and knock some sense into her.
'Why?' Quinn asked, tapping her foot in frustration as she tried to figure her friend out.
'Because everything hurts too fucking much.' Santana stated, storming past her friend and out of the room. But in that moment Quinn saw a flicker of something in Santana's eyes. It was a cry for help.
August 28th
Another day full of more boring classes. Boring teachers who think they know everything and obnoxious classmates who think they're the shit. Santana just watches them all as she drifts thorough the day. Not really listening or taking notes. She was thinking about glee at the end of the day. The first time they would all be reunited. And so far she had managed to avoid Brittany, and Artie. But not today. Today she would have to sit there and watch him holding her hand and kissing her. Then again, she thought, just come out. Tell people and Brittany will be yours. But what if Brittany is too in love with Artie now? What if Santana really had screwed this up for good? There was no way she could take that chance, especially if Brittany was going to turn her down. Just another excuse not to tell right? But if Santana was going to come out she certainly wasn't going to do it alone. She knew she couldn't do it without Brittany on her side, and from the looks of things, she had jumped back over to team heterosexual. Finally the bell rang, most kids going home. But not Santana, no, she was on her way to her own personal nightmare. 'Welcome back guys.' Mr Schu said cheerfully as he walked into the room. All, well most, of his glee kids greeting him with pleasant smiles.
'Mr Schu, I have several ideas for sectionals this year.' Rachel began, walking up to the front of class with notebook in hand.
'Woah Rachel, slow down.' Mr Schu laughed. 'I love your enthusiasm but it's the first day. Lets have some fun okay.' He put his hand on her back as he gently directed her back to her seat, the other members fighting back laughs or rolling their eyes.
'Okay Mr Schu, but only today right?' Rachel sounded worried.
'Yes Rachel, only today. You can share your ideas tomorrow.' With that, the diva took her seat willingly, wrapping her arm through Finn's as he smiled down at her.
'So, does anyone have anything to kick us off with this year?' Mr Schu asked, hoping for at least a few hands to be raised. 'No one?' He looked at them disappointedly. 'Rachel?'
'Sorry Mr Schu, I was working on my ideas for competition.' She bit her lip, hoping Mr Schu wasn't just counting on them to bring something today.
'That's okay.' Mr Schu sighed. 'I've got a couple songs we can practice with, so to start off with lets just get loose and warm up. I'm going to put a track on so just sing along, get up and dance. Whatever you want.' He put on the track and didn't need to tell them twice. Most of them getting up and jumping around the room like idiots. Brittany was sitting on Artie's lap as he wheeled around, Tina and Mike actually dancing, Rachel trying to make sure Finn didn't break anyone else's nose, and Quinn, swaying slightly but her soul wasn't in it. She couldn't take her eyes off of Santana who was sitting at the back of the room with her head pressed against the wall and her eyed closed. What was even more strange was the fact that Brittany didn't seem to care. No one in glee seemed to have noticed actually. Even Mr Schuester was bopping along with Mercedes and Kurt, not paying attention to his entire group. For a moment Quinn thought she could see Santana crying, squinting her eyes to get a clearer look. She almost went over there to see if Santana was alright, but her path was quickly obstructed when Puck jumped in front of her. He grabbed her hand and spun her around, lifting her feet off of the floor as he did so. When he put her down she looked back to the choir room chairs. Santana was gone.
August 29th
Santana didn't show up for school the next day. She figured she could get away with one day, especially because she really did feel like shit. So it was back to her dark bedroom, throwing the covers over her head and sleeping. With a bottle of tequila, of course. 'Santana.' Came a voice from the doorway. She immediately threw off the covers and got up, knowing who it was.
'Dad..' She choked out. 'What are you doing home?' He should have been at work right now, she had planned to sleep until five and then go out just to avoid him.
'I came home for lunch. What the fuck is this?' He looked at her harshly as he eyed the bottle in her bed.
'I.. I don't know what to tell you Papi.' She said quietly as she looked down to the floor.
'You need to get yourself together Santana.' He spat, moving closer to her. 'You need to clean this shit up and make yourself presentable.'
'What for?' She asked, looking up into his angry eyes.
'Some colleagues of mine are coming for dinner this evening and I need you not to make a scene and fuck it up for me.'
'Whatever,' she sighed, moving to get back in bed. But before she could move a foot her father had grabbed her arm. 'Ouch, dad.' She cried, looking back up into his face.
'Do you fucking understand me?' He shouted, his grip tightening around her lower arm.
'Yes, fuck!' She yelled back. She ripped herself free of him and stormed into the bathroom. Slamming the door and locking it behind her. She lent over the sink and let tears slip from her eyes, gripping the sides tightly. Screw this, she thought, and when she was sure her father had left the room she quickly ran out. Pulling on a pair of jeans and a top before climbing out the window.
Going to school was not an option, it was pretty much after school now anyways, so she ran again. It was pretty uncomfortable in the jeans she had chosen but she didn't care. All she knew is that she wanted to run, wanted to get away. And looking back she knew this was all her own fault, the part involving Brittany at least, she knew that. But she couldn't bring herself to do it. No way would anyone in this town understand. And what about her fucking parents? They already thought she was worthless so what would happen if they knew she liked girls? Santana couldn't risk them finding out. So she ran.
She didn't even know where she was heading until she passed a familiar house. 'Shit.' She said out loud to herself as she looked over onto the front porch. Brittany was sitting with Artie, laughing about something until she looked away from him and saw Santana. Their eyes locked for a moment, Santana wanting to scream and cry and just get the fuck away. That is, until she tripped over something lying on the path. She fell forwards, crashing into the hard pavement front first, only her hands saving her from a head injury. 'Fuck!' She yelled, looking down at her ripped jeans and bloody knee. She rolled over, sitting in the middle of the pavement to study the raw scrape marks on her palms. It was a few minutes later when she remembered where she actually was.
'Santana!' She heard Brittany yell, and as she looked up she saw the blonde running towards her. She saw Brittany running down the path and rounding the corner, eventually within touching distance as she reached Santana. 'Are you okay?' Brittany asked, watching the smaller girl pull herself up from the floor.
'I'm fine Brit, don't worry about it.' She clapped her hands together to brush the dirt off, wincing as the shallow scrapes were brought together.
'San, come inside okay. Let me get you some water and a band-aid.' Brittany smiled kindly at her.
'No. I'm fine.' Santana went to turn away.
'Santana there's blood running over your jeans, you're not fine.' There was no response from the Latina so Brittany caught up with her, spinning her around. Then she saw the mark on her arm. Note to self, Santana thought, wear long sleeves from now on.
'What Brittany? What do you want?' Santana turned around, eyes glowing with anger and hurt.
'You didn't do that when you fell did you?' Brittany pointed to the mark, tears in her eyes.
'Leave it alone Brit.' Santana turned away from her friend again, unable to stop a tear fall as she walked off.
She checked her phone a few hours later, it was six in the afternoon and it would be getting dark soon. She couldn't go home yet. Who knows what her dad would do, if not showing up would be just as bad as making a scene. She sighed, walking gingerly as she kept flexing her right knee. And then she gave in. She sat down on the sidewalk next to a large tree, set herself against it and drifted off.
August 30th
She woke up in the same position as the previous day. It must have been early still. Her hands were sore and a throbbing ache was coming from her knee. She was also freezing cold. She wrapped her arms around herself, still dazed from just waking up, when she heard a voice coming from the other side of the road. 'Santana?' She looked over and saw Quinn jogging over the street to get to her.
'Fuck, Q. What?' She groaned, noticing the worried expression on her friends face.
'What the hell happened? Are you okay?' Quinn knelt down beside her, placing a comforting hand on her knee.
'I'm great.' Santana replied sarcastically, using the tree to get herself up.
'San, what happened? Did you sleep out here?'
'I went for a run and got tired. Yes I slept out here.' Well she wasn't lying was she?
'Okay, if you went for a run why are you're jeans covered in blood?' Quinn studied the cut on her knee, Santana wincing as the blonde moved the jeans around to get a better look.
'I fell. It's not a big deal.' Santana said, pulling away and setting off down the street.
'What about that one?' Quinn asked, pointing to the same mark as Brittany did earlier.
'That was an accident.' Santana lied, Quinn seeing right through her.
'So by accident I assume you mean you pissed your dad off again?' Quinn saw the half hearted smile fade from Santana's face as the brunette snorted.
'Something like that.' She whispered, just as the blonde jumped in front of her to stop her. 'Q, what?'
'Come on.' Quinn ushered her in the other direction.
'School is that way.' Santana reminded her.
'Yeah, but I'm not letting you go to school looking like a hobo so we're going back to mine.' Santana sighed as she turned around, Quinn stepping up beside her. 'When was the last time you ate properly?' Quinn asked but quickly added. 'And no, alcohol doesn't count.'
'Right, erm, Monday. I think.'
'Santana it's Wednesday.' Quinn looked at her, shocked.
'I did know that Goldilocks but thanks for the update.' Santana grinned at her, walking as slowly a she possible could.
'You need to talk to me Santana.' Quinn pleaded.
'No Q, I really don't.'
'Then you need to talk to someone. Anyone. Because you wont survive like this for much longer.'
'And that would be bad because?' Santana looked at her, genuinely asking Quinn the question.
'Oh San, how can you talk like that?'
'Well, I open my mouth and these words just come out of it.' She smirked again, Quinn sighing loudly as they reached her house.
'You're a sarcastic bitch, do you know that?'
'Yeah, pride myself on it actually.' Santana informed her as they walked through the front door.
'You shouldn't.' Quinn glared at her. 'Come on.' She pulled Santana up the stairs and into her bedroom. Tossing a clean pair of jeans and a new top onto the bed for her. 'Take a shower and get changed. There's a first aid kit on the shelf in the medicine cabinet.'
'Whatever.' Santana mumbled as she grabbed the clothes off of the bed before walking into the bathroom and locking the door. Quinn sat down heavily on her bed and waited, texting Brittany in the mean time to see if she knew what was up with their friend.
Brit, have you seen Santana lately? - Quinn
A few minutes later there was a reply, Brittany obviously not concentrating in the days first lesson.
Last night. She was running and she fell but wouldn't let me help her. - B
Well I just found her sleeping outside. - Quinn
What? - B
Yeah B. She had blood everywhere and told me she hadn't eaten since Monday. - Quinn
OMG. Is she okay? - B
No she's not. Why haven't you been talking to her? What's wrong with her? - Quinn
Q, this is her own fault, she knows that. I told her what I wanted but she's scared. - B
What about what she wants B? You're supposed to be her best friend. What is going on with you two? - Quinn
Ask her. - B
The bathroom door clicked open a few moments later, Santana emerging with wet hair and a drained look on her face. 'Where can I?' She held up her ruined clothes.
'Trash can.' Quinn pointed to the other side of the room and the Latina walked over to throw them away. She then made her way over to Quinn and sat on the end of the bed, staring down at the floor as she played with her hands. 'You wanna talk to me yet?'
'Not really.' Santana admitted, but then Quinn saw her start to cry. Her body started to shake with sobs, placing one hand up to her mouth in an attempt to muffle the cries.
'Santana, come here.' Quinn held out her arms to the crying girl, who gratefully crawled into them, lying on Quinn's lap with the blonde's arms around her. Then she cried everything out.
'It's my fault Q.' She sobbed. 'I fucked it all up and now..' She gripped onto the bed sheets on the other side of Quinn.
'Now what?'
'Now she's fucking gone! It was my fault, I should have told everyone. Just fucking shouted it from the rooftops and..' she coughed, choking on her words as they all flew out of her.
'Wait, slow down okay.' Quinn stroked her hair. 'Who is gone?'
'Brittany.' Santana cried. 'I lost her Q, and now she, she's with him and she loves him more than me, and oh god Q, what if she never comes back?' She sobbed even harder at that thought, Quinn feeling her body shake as she tried to console her. But to be honest, Quinn couldn't figure out what Santana was talking about.
'Santana, you're kind of confusing me here.' Quinn moved the brunette up to face her.
'Really Q.?' Santana rolled her eyes, throwing her arms on the air. 'I'm a dyke! I fucking love her okay. I'm in love with her and I screwed it all up!' Santana pushed up from the bed, walking over to the window and putting her hands on the walls either side. Quinn was left to process the information she had just learned about her friend.
'How did I not figure that one out?' Quinn whispered to herself, racking her brain for memories of the two former cheerios. When she thought about it properly it did kind of make sense though.
'Yeah well, it doesn't matter any more.' Santana sniffed, wiping her nose as she turned back to Quinn.
'It does matter. What happened with Brittany?' Santana sighed as she sat back down on the bed.
'It was some day in June I think, over the summer, and Brittany and I went out on a date.' She smiled, Quinn watching her contently. 'We drove out to a carnival, like four hours away from here and just spent the whole day there.'
'Sounds nice.' Quinn commented, Santana grinning at her.
'It was, really nice. But then we got home.' Quinn watched her look around the room as she continued. 'Brittany wanted me to come out. She said we had to be a proper couple and that meant telling everyone what I am, who I am.'
'And you didn't want to do that?'
'Come on Q, what do you think would have happened if I did huh? Daily slushies, getting slammed into lockers? My damn parents would crucify me.' Quinn nodded.
'So what happened then?'
'Then she said it was all or nothing. I told her I just couldn't, that I wasn't ready yet and asked her to wait for me. But she didn't.' Santana stared vacantly at Quinn. 'And now she's with him and everything is wrong.'
'Is that why you started drinking?' Santana nodded, wiping at her face with the backs of her hands. 'Is that when you completely went off the radar?' Santana nodded again.
'After that I just stopped caring. No one in glee noticed and I'm pretty sure they're all better off without me anyways so. Brittany was the only good thing I had going for me and I completely messed it up.'
'I noticed. And as much as you'd like to deny it, we do care about each other Santana. There was a time we were best friends.
'Yeah, I remember. I would kick anyone's ass if they tried to come between the three of us.' Santana smiled at the memory, as did Quinn.
'You thought you were so tough.' Quinn grinned at her, the brunette looking down as she smiled. 'As for the Brittany thing, you know you can fix it, right?' Quinn sat up, swinging her legs round to join Santana over the side of the bed.
'No way.' She got up, moving away from the blonde as she paced the room. 'There is no fucking way I'm coming out.' Her defences were back up now, and in full force.
'But you told me just now.' Quinn pointed out.
'So you caught me in a moment of fucking weakness, lucky you.' Santana spat, waving her arms in the air.
'Okay then, what about the glee club? Come out to them.'
'Yeah because the people I've been a complete bitch to for the last two years will care. The only person who tried to find me this summer was you Quinn. None of them even noticed I wasn't there so like I said, none of them give a shit.'
'You're impossible Santana.' Quinn shook her head as she watched the brunette move to leave.
'Yeah and I'm also wasting my time here.' She headed for the door. 'Thanks for the clothes, I'll wash them and bring them back.'
'Santana.' Quinn called, stopping her just outside the door. 'Mr Schu gave us an assignment. Pick one song to sing to one other person. Due next Friday so think about it.'
'Thanks Q.' Santana whispered without turning around. And then she was gone. Quinn sighing a few minutes later and picking up her bag as she left for school.
August 31st
'Morning sunshine.' Quinn said sarcastically as she sat next to Santana in their free period.
'Why are you always so fucking cheerful?' Santana replied without looking up from her book.
'Why are you always so fucking depressing?' Quinn shot back. 'And what's with all the swearing? It's hardly necessary.'
'Whatever Luce, I'm trying to study.' Santana's eyes still glued to a book on European History.
'Don't call me Luce. And since when do you study?' Quinn flipped her own book open making it look like she was working.
'Since now apparently.' Santana turned the page and continued reading.
'Okay then, so I was thinking..'
'How new for you.' Santana joked, interrupting her.
'Anyway,' Quinn gritted her teeth before continuing. 'I was thinking you should use the glee assignment to sing for Brit. Maybe you can get her back that way?'
'Maybe.' Santana said unconvincingly, just wanting the blonde to shut the hell up.
'Come on San, you love her.' Quinn grinned.
'Yeah say that a little louder why don't you.' She replied, slamming her book shut.
'Santana, please. Look at her and Artie, they hardly fit. You have to try this.'
'Why are you being so nice to me? Trying to help me?' Santana looked at her curiously.
'Because you really need a friend right now.' Quinn smiled at her, waiting for her snarky reply.
'Wow, sucks for you huh?' Santana laughed. 'Drew the short straw there.'
'Santana stop making fucking jokes!' Quinn shouted, both girls scanning the room in case anyone noticed. No one did. 'Why do you think everything is funny?'
'I thought we'd been through this. Because if it's not funny it just hurts. And I would rather laugh than cry about everything. I am so fucking sick of crying Q..' Santana drifted off, not sure how much she wanted to reveal to Quinn. They locked eyes for a second just as the bell rang. The Latina quickly moving from her seat and out of the door.
September 1st
Friday at last, Santana thought to herself as she walked to her locker. Her dad hadn't even spoken to her since she hadn't shown up for the dinner with his colleagues, her mother following suit as their house became a silent movie. But Santana liked it that way. A few moments later she stopped in her tracks. Brittany was sitting on Artie's lap by his locker, making out with him. She felt her heart pounding and her chest tightening as she watched. She needed to get away. But as she abruptly turned on her heels to head in the other direction, she crashed into a large immovable object named Karofski. 'What the fuck douche bag?' She said, trying to move around him.
'Relax sweetheart I just wanted to invite you to a little party tonight. First one of the school year. At my house.' He grinned.
'No thanks.' She replied simply, still trying to push her way past.
'Come on Santana, you were MIA all summer and all the guys know you're the life of a party.' He winked at her as she shot him a look of disgust.
'Whatever.' She groaned, finally making her way around his large frame.
'We all know you'll come. Free booze!' He laughed as she rounded the corner, bumping into someone else.
'What now.' She said, extremely frustrated.
'Don't even think about it Santana.' Quinn said firmly.
'What the hell are you on Q? Think about what?' Santana walked around her as well, taking the long way to class.
'Karofski's party. You're not going.'
'Wow, so you're my mother now.' Santana laughed.
'I'm serious Santana. You're going to sit at home and pick a song to sing for Brittany.'
'Oh yeah, and what are you gonna do about it? I can go wherever the hell I like Q.' Santana walked into their next class.
'You can. It's a free country after all. But I'll be at the party to make sure you're not there.'
'Isn't that convenient for you.' She put her books down on her desk, Quinn following suit. 'But if you want a cheap sleazy lay just go Q, don't use me as an excuse.'
'Okay that's disgusting. But I swear to god Santana if I see you there I'll drag you home myself.'
'Well, we're going to have some fun tonight then aren't we.' She smiled, Quinn sighing and resting her head in her hands. But before she could protest further their teacher walked in and the lesson began.
The music was slamming into her ears as she pushed past a couple of drunk kids in the hall. It was only ten and she could already hear someone throwing up behind the bathroom door. This place was going to look great in the morning. And she knew Quinn was going to kick her ass for this but she didn't care. She spotted a few of the glee kids scattered around but only the cool ones. Mike and Puck were with some of the cheerleaders, Finn probably absent because of his midget girlfriend but that was no surprise. She didn't expect to see Brittany either. No way would wheels let her go to one of these things alone and his mum never let him out to parties. So far there was no sign of Quinn. Secretly Santana hoped she was bluffing, and that she could just steal some beers and vodka and sneak out into the garden to get wasted. She eventually shoved her way into the kitchen and was greeted by a half intoxicated football player. 'Well, well, well, the illusive Ms Lopez has graced us with her presence.'
'Shut the hell up Karofski and give me a beer already.' She put her hands in her pockets as she watched him grab a beer from the fridge, popping the top off before he handed it over.
'As you wish, my lady.' He bowed sarcastically as he gave it to her. He was about to start a conversation too but all she did was walk away from him. 'What no thank you kiss?' He shouted, laughter bursting out of him seconds later. Santana ignored him, and everyone else, as she walked to the garden. But what she hadn't realised, was how much Karofski had really had to drink. And she certainly didn't anticipate him following her outside.
Quinn hadn't stopped circling the party since she got there, constantly topping her cup up with orange juice so she could tell people there was vodka in it. Quinn didn't care much for drinking, the last time she did was when se fell pregnant with Beth. She didn't regret it, of course she didn't, but on the off chance of it happening again she thought it better to say sober. However she knew Santana, she knew the brunette would show up, the opportunity to pass up free alcohol was something the Latina wouldn't miss. Occasionally she stopped and asked if anyone had seen her, all of them shaking their heads as she smiled and thanked them. She was just about to give up when she started talking to Mike. 'Hey, you haven't seen Santana here by any chance?'
'Erm, yeah..' He slurred, obviously very drunk.
'What? You have?' Panic shot through Quinn in that moment.
'Yeah…. She's hot man..' He threw his arms around Quinn's shoulders.
'Okay, you have a girlfriend Mike.' She reminded him. 'And where did you see her?'
'Who?' He squinted his eyes at her, looking confused.
'Santana! Jesus Mike.' Quinn was getting angry. She needed to know where Santana was.
'Sorry…' He grumbled. 'I saw her walk that way.' He giggled, pointing out to the garden as Quinn hastily made her way to the back door. She stepped outside into the cold and immediately felt that something was wrong. The chill sent shivers down her spine as she started to walk around the house.
'Santana?' She called, walking around the decking. 'Santana?' There was no one out there. And she was just about to go back inside when she saw something I the distance. She squinted her eyes as she walked down the wooden steps, trying to get a better look. It was people. Two people. And as she got closer she heard voices.
'Get the fuck off of me!' She heard someone cry, followed by a series of muffled screams and sobbing.
'What's the matter baby? Not so tough now are you..' A deeper voice continued the conversation.
'Mother fucker, let go of me!' The first voice said again. 'Stop!' And then Quinn broke into a run.
'Hey!' She yelled as she encroached on the figures, seeing the larger one was wearing a football jacket.
'Oh what the hell is this Fabray?' He spat at her, turning around but still keeping a hold on the person in front of him.
'Karofski, you pig. What are you doing?' She stood a few feet away from him with a pissed off expression on her face.
'Just giving her what she wants.' He grinned as he revealed the small girl he was holding on to.
'Santana?' Quinn looked at her. She was shaking as he held her wrists tightly. Her top was slightly ripped and her jacket was out of sync with everything else. Other than that she looked okay, only the mascara streaking her face signalling that she was afraid.
'You need to let her go Karofski.'
'Okay then.' He laughed, letting go of one of her wrists as he pulled another beer from his back pocket. Even with only one arm being held Santana was no where near strong enough to pull away from him.
'What the hell were you planning to do you jackass? Rape her?' As Quinn said the words Santana flinched, knowing very well that he had planned to do that.
'Ha, it's not rape if she never says no.' He grinned, his legs swaying underneath him as he turned back to face her. 'And we all know that this slut never says no.'
'Well she's saying no now, so let go of her before I call the cops.' Quinn went up to him, now only a few feet away, as she fumbled in her bag to pull out her cell.
'You wouldn't.' He spat, swigging his beer and watching her open her phone.
'I fucking would.' She gritted her teeth as she willed him to let her go. Really not wanting a fight with him because they would loose. She started to press some keys, making sure he heard the beeping noise when she did. He glared at her, then at Santana, until he finally released her.
'Whatever.' He mumbled, walking away. 'Fucking bitches.' He said, stumbling over his own feet as he walked and drank at the same time.
'Asshole.' Quinn whispered as she watched him walk away, making sure he went all the way inside, before putting her phone back into her bag.
'Q.' Santana said gently, causing the blonde girl to turn around. The look of terror on Santana's face was almost too much for her to bear.
'San, it's okay.' She said, getting closer to her friend. 'Are you alright? He didn't do anything did he?'
'No, he erm, no. I'm,' she swallowed, shaking her head. 'I'm okay.' She tried a small smile but was over come with something else. And before she realised it she was leaning over a rock and puking, Quinn holding back her hair as she gently rubbed circles into her back.
'How much have you had to drink?' Quinn asked, Santana standing up and taking a deep breath.
'One.' She laughed. 'But I don't think it was the beer making me throw up.' She turned and gave Quinn a weak smile.
'I know. Come on.'
'Where are we going?' Santana asked, following her friend around the back of the house.
'Back to mine.' Quinn stated, Santana nodding her head before following closely.
September 2nd
It was past midnight when they got back to Quinn's. She unlocked the back door quietly and ushered Santana into her bedroom. And then flicking on the light she noticed Santana's face. 'Shit!' She gasped, probably a bit too loudly, as she walked over to the brunette. 'Did that pig do this?' She asked, her hand hovering above a red mark on the left side of Santana's face. Santana nodded as she sat on the corner of Quinn's bed.
'I'm sorry Q.' She sniffed, just waiting for more tears to fall.
'What are you sorry for?' Quinn asked, getting a cold towel to help the swelling go down.
'For going to the fucking party after you told me not to.' She took the towel from her friend and placed it too her cheek, wincing slightly as she did but the coolness of it helped.
'It's not your fault San.' Quinn said, standing in front of her as she removed her jacket.
'I went didn't I?' Santana pointed out as she unzipped her boots.
'Santana, I didn't want you to go because I thought you would drink. I didn't think some asshole was gonna try and ra..' she stopped when she saw the look on Santana's face. The 'I'm about to break out in tears look.' And then she did.
'Quinn..' She sobbed, letting her head fall into her hands as she sat on the bed.
'Hey, it's okay.' Quinn could feel her own eyes watering now as she knelt down to look up at her friend. 'You're okay, you're safe here.' She whispered, over and over until Santana looked at her.
'I'm so fucked up, I did everything wrong.' She sniffed, Quinn pulling her into a tight hug as she knelt on the floor.
'You're not fucked up Santana. You just need to give it some time. Make things right with Brittany for a start, you know be civil to her.' Santana laughed through her tears as she pulled away from the blonde. 'Be her friend and just wait until the day you are ready. Because if you push her away now, she wont come back.'
'I know, Shit.' Santana gingerly wiped her face, the sting of Karofski's backhander still there.
'And definitely stop drinking. All booze leads to is more trouble, believe me, I know.' She winked as she stood back up.
'Thanks Q.' She wiped her nose. 'For everything.' Quinn nodded. 'And I think I'm gonna try that glee club assignment.' She smiled as Quinn wiped the last few tears from the Latina's face.
'Yeah, I think that's probably a good idea.' Quinn grinned. 'Now, you look freezing so why don't we just go to bed?'
'Sounds like a plan.' Santana concurred, crawling backwards with all of her clothes on and pulling the covers of Quinn's bed around her.
'Sleeping in my bed then?' Quinn asked sarcastically.
'Looks that way.' Santana grinned, Quinn laughing harder as she got into bed beside her.
September 4th
Santana's bruise had slightly faded by Monday, and with a ton of cover-up it was only really noticeable to people who knew it was there already. Thank god for small favours huh. The day was pretty boring. She got a threatening glance from Karofski in the hall after lunch but most people did anyway. It was only when glee club rolled around that she become uncomfortable. Mr Schu was getting ready and writing on the whiteboard as Santana walked into the room, ignoring everyone as she took a seat next to Quinn. 'Hey.' The blonde greeted her.
'Hey.'
'Have you chosen a song yet?'
'I've got a couple in mind. I'm not sure yet though.' Santana replied honestly, but then Puckerman cut into their conversation.
'So, Santana. I heard you and Karofski had a good time on Friday night.' He winked at her, all of the glee members listening on the conversation.
'What are you talking about you idiot?' Quinn asked before Santana had the chance to.
'Karofski, said you two got it on.'
'Karofski is a jackass.' Quinn pointed out.
'So it's not true?'
'No Puck it's not.' Santana stated firmly.
'But in the locker room today he gave us like all of the details.'
'He what?' Santana shouted at him, Mr Schu now paying more attention to the heated debate.
'Yeah, but don't worry, he spoke very highly of you.' He winked at her.
'Oh, fuck you Puckerman.'
'Yes please.' He replied sleazily, Santana punching him hard on the arm. 'Ah, you bitch.' He chuckled, Mr Schu finally addressing the situation.
'Woah guys, what's going on?'
'Nothing Mr Schu.' Puck said. 'Santana just cant take a joke.'
'It wasn't a joke Puck, you were being an asshole.' Quinn pointed out.
'Q, just leave it.' Santana pleaded.
'No, I wont leave it. Santana,' she turned to the girl beside her. 'You need to stop letting guys talk to you like you're shit.'
'Why? I mean, what's the point? It's not like they're gonna stop.' She said, turning to glance at Brittany before she left the room.
'Santana!' Quinn called after her, and then Puck opened his big mouth again.
'So it is true?'
'No Puck. Christ!' She yelled, walking out of the room as well. 'Santana!' She called, running after the brunette. 'Hold up.' She caught up and walked beside her, catching her breath before she spoke. 'You okay?'
'Never better. I'm going home.'
'To do what?' Quinn questioned.
'Relax, I'm not gonna drink. I'm gonna work on my song.'
'Okay. You want me to come with?'
'Na, I'm good.' She stopped and turned to Quinn. 'But thanks, for sticking up for me in there.' She flashed her teeth in a small smile before pulling the blonde into a tentative hug.
'You're welcome.' Quinn grinned back at her and then watched her walk out of the school.
September 8th
Finally. It was the day Santana had been waiting for. She was going to sing a song for Brittany. She knew the song wouldn't win her over or anything. I mean, she didn't expect Brittany just to drop Artie for her. But at least this way Brittany might know that somewhere down the road Santana would be able to accept herself. That she would be able to tell people and not be terrified at the same time. The final bell couldn't come quick enough for her, making her way to the choir room as soon as she heard it ring. She was the first one there, which was a first, but she needed to be ready. 'Hey Santana.' Mr Schu smiled at her as he walked form his office.
'Hey Mr Schu.' She said rather nervously.
'Is everything okay? You're usually the last to show up.' He chuckled.
'Yeah, well.' She sat down and sighed.
'You haven't been yourself lately Santana.' He stated, fact, as he walked to the piano.
'I know Mr Schu, but I think after today I might be on the road back to her.'
'That's good to know, so I take it you've picked a song?'
'Yeah.' She grinned.
'And who is it for?' He questioned, tidying up the sheet music thrown onto the piano top after the last rehearsal.
'You'll know when I sing it sir.'
'Okay then, I cant wait.' He winked, and then the room started to fill up.
As soon as the last glee clubber took their seat Mr Schu began. Thinking that Santana might explode or chicken out if she had to wait any longer, so he called on her first. 'Take it away Santana.'
'Thanks Mr Schu.' She smiled at him as she stood in the centre of the room, Quinn giving her a reassuring nod. The she took a deep breath, and began. 'So first I wanted to apologise. To everyone, I guess.' She looked around the room. 'Except Puckerman because you're kind of a douche.'
'Hey.' He said, everyone else laughing under their breath.
'I know that coming from me an apology doesn't mean that much to you guys. I know I've been a bitch. I just haven't been myself lately.' Mr Schu smiled at her as he sat with the rest of the group.
'Please girl, you were a bitch before all this weird stuff happened.' Mercedes pointed out, more laughs filling the room as Santana looked down grinning. 'But we kind of loved you anyway.'
'Thanks Mercedes.' She smiled, looking back up at them. 'But seriously, I am sorry. For the past couple months especially. And right now I have the chance to mend some broken fences.' She looked at Brittany. 'I know that I cant fix everything with one song. I'll need to do a hell of a lot more than that if you're ever going to like me again, but I hope you'll see this as a start.' She smiled, Brittany smiling back at her. And then the music began;
In a book, in a box, in the closet.
In a line, in a song, I once heard.
In a moment on a front porch in late June.
In a breath, inside a whisper, beneath the moon.
There she was at the tips of my fingers.
There it was on the tip of my tongue.
There you were and I had never been that far.
There it was the whole world wrapped inside my arms.
And I let it all slip away.
She looked right into Brittany's eyes as she sung the chorus, the blonde smiling sadly at her the entire time as the rest of the glee club watched on.
What do I do now what you're gone?
No back up plan, no second chance, no one else to blame.
All I can hear in the silence that remains.
Are the words I couldn't say.
Quinn smiled at her as she finished the first chorus. Santana returning it gratefully as she listened for the start of the next verse. She also had a another quick glance at Brittany. She was still holding Artie's hand, but that was okay. Santana knew how much she loved him.
There's a rain that will never stop falling.
There's a wall that I tried to take down.
What I should have said just wouldn't pass my lips.
So I held back and now we've come to this.
And it's too late now.
What do I do now what you're gone?
No back up plan, no second chance, no one else to blame.
All I can hear in the silence that remains.
Are the words I couldn't say.
I should have found a way to tell you how I felt.
Now the only one I'm telling is myself.
What do I do now what you're gone?
No back up plan, no second chance, no one else to blame.
All I can hear in the silence that remains.
Are the words I couldn't say.
She felt herself crying as she started the last verse. But looking around at all of the faces of her friends she knew everything was going to be alright. For a little while at least.
What do I do now what you're gone?
No back up plan, no second chance, no one else to blame.
All I can hear in the silence that remains.
Are the words I couldn't say.
The music faded and everyone clapped. Santana wiping the tears form her face as she took her seat. She looked over at Brittany who nodded to her approvingly, wiping her own tears from her cheeks as she did so. Santana then let out a large exhale, like she could finally let everything out that she had been keeping inside. And leaning her head on Quinn's shoulder she closed her eyes. Everything would be better now.