All it takes is four little words. He's faced monsters, psychopaths, and alien invasions—and yet it's simple words that turn his blood to ice, make his heart start to hammer painfully, constrict his lungs so abruptly that suddenly he can't breath.
Just four little words...and the fact that they've just been spoken by his closest friend, who's standing there, looking at him, and holding the flash drive that contains every single secret he has feared she would uncover.
"Dick...what is this?"
His eyes fly wildly to her face, desperately searching for a sign that it's not too late, she hasn't seen it yet, she doesn't know-but her eyes are steel; her jaw is set. The long red hair that hangs loosely over her shoulders instead of in it's signature ponytail looks like it's crackling with energy, as if it's actually going to catch on fire when usually it just resembles it.
She's seen. And she's angry-clearly-but she's fighting to stay calm, to give him a chance to explain. She owes him that after all they've been through together. She'd expect the same from him, if their positions were reversed. Of course, she probably thinks they never would be.
"Dick," she says again, when he hasn't answered, "What is going on?"
He takes a deep breath, savors the moment—the calm before the storm—but then he has to end it. He looks her in the eyes. "We needed to know what we were up against," he begins. It's painful at first, speaking the words, but as he continues it starts to get easier, almost cathartic.
"We needed to know about the Light. Regular intelligence was getting us nowhere.
We needed someone on the inside, to figure out what they were planning to find out who the Light even was. Kaldur...Kaldur volunteered to go undercover. He was the one with the strongest...connection to the Light. With everything that happened with Tula—" Dick's heart gives a painful squeeze, "—it was believable. He knew the risks. He understood what it would mean for the rest of the team."
"You mean that it would tear them apart," Babs says in a low voice. Although spoken in a voice that is soft and emotionless, the words nevertheless manage to cut him like a knife.
He averts his eyes, unable to look into her crystal blue ones as he answers, "Yes. We knew it would be difficult for all of them. But it was necessary. It had to be done."
"Only..." Dick pauses, takes a deep breath, "Kaldur needed someone else. Someone he could trust. So...I went to Wally and Artemis. She's always been so strong. I knew that she'd be able to do it, and more importantly, that she'd understand why she had to do it. And Wally...well, I hoped Wally would go along with it because he would respect her wishes. Because he loves her."
It's not cathartic anymore. It's just excruciating.
"And he did. We agreed to keep it between ourselves. Artemis assumed a new identity, courtesy of a charm that Zatanna provided." He catches the bright flash of anger in Barbara's eyes and adds hastily, "She didn't know what the charm was for."
Barbara purses her lips, and Dick can tell she can no longer keep silent. "So you put two of your closest friends at risk," she begins, in a low voice that Dick knows she's fighting to keep calm. "at the cost of hurting your entire team. And now, Mount Justice is destroyed. Kaldur is comatose, at M'gann's hands. Three of our youngest members have been captured and tortured. And how much closer are we to knowing who the Light is? How much closer are we to knowing what they want?"
Dick sighs heavily. "Artemis said that Kaldur was initiated into the Light right before his confrontation with M'gann. So, theoretically, whatever knowledge he had gained is now in her hands. If we can just get her to start talking again..." he trails off, feeling self-loathing sweep over him like a wave, so powerful that it renders him speechless.
It had been a week since their disastrous mission at the Light's headquarters, and still, the Martian empath refused to tell him anything about what she had learned. Most days she didn't even leave her room. The only way he knew what M'gann had done to Kaldur was because of Artemis. It had been a week since he'd last heard from the archer either.
He looks at Barbara, hoping his eyes can articulate everything he's feeling, emotions that are too vast for him to even begin to describe. So much for staying whelmed.
When Babs speaks, her voice is tight with pain. "Dick...I know what you were trying to do. It was an admirable goal. And I know Kaldur and Artemis knew what they were getting themselves into." she reaches out to him, slipping her hand into his own. The touch comforts him more than she can know.
"It's not your fault that things have worked out this way. You couldn't have known. But the worst part," she says, and suddenly she's practically fighting off tears, "is that you've done all this alone. You kept it all to yourself, Dick. No one should bear a burden like that. When the only person you confided in was Wally—"
"Yes, Babs!" He interjects hotly, grabbing her by the shoulders, a little rougher than he meant to. "I confided in Wally! And look at what that did to him! Look at what that did to our friendship! My best friend since I was nine, and—" His voice breaks suddenly, and he can't finish the sentence. "He hates me now...he should hate me..."
Dick trails off. His grip on Barbara's shoulders goes slack.
"Dick," Barbara says, and her voice is suddenly soft, gentle. She lays a hand on his cheek, forcing him to look at her. "He doesn't hate you. He doesn't."
Dick closes his eyes, just for a moment, and lets himself listen to her words, believe that they are true. Barbara gives him that moment, but when he opens them again, her voice is louder, more insistent. "But please tell me you know that you shouldn't have done this alone," she scolds, "Tell me you know that you should have trusted your team. Dick...you should have trusted me."
With this last phrase, Barbara's eyes go wide as they look into his, pleading. Her words weren't a question, but he knows what she's asking anyway, just from looking into those two clear pools of blue. He covers her hand with his and for a moment, he almost lets himself go; almost lets himself give in to the force that's been inexplicably drawing them closer for so long. But something inside stops him. And he gently lowers her hand, slowly steps away.
"I'm sorry, Babs. But I couldn't. The fewer people who knew, the more likely the plan could succeed. I had to do it this way...I had to."
She stares at him, uncomprehending; as if she can't believe what she's seeing. Then all at once, her eyes fill with pain, brim with tears—and harden, just as suddenly, into chips of blue steel. "Of course." she says, and her voice is cruel, acerbic—so unlike her it shocks him. "You had to sacrifice for the mission, right? No time for emotions when the objective is at stake." Her eyes narrow and her voice is a low hiss. "Sound familiar to you?"
Dick's heart stops. He can only stare, speechless, as Babs turns and walks away. Then she stops, turns her head to speak over her shoulder but stopping just short of looking at him, almost as if she's unwilling to do so. "Congratulations," she says miserably. "You've just turned into the person you said you never wanted to become."