When I walked into her room there was no spinning record on her turn-table and no CD in her stereo. She wasn't humming to Jimmy Eat World or the Weepies on her iPod or even sitting in silence on her bed with a sketchbook in her lap. There was none of that. In fact, when I walked into her room I saw her standing on her stool, pulling at the corner of a poster. I didn't knock.
"What are you doing?" I asked her. She didn't even turn to look at me.
"I can't take it anymore." She said, and the paper in her fingers tore loudly. "Dammit." She cursed. Leaving the ruined poster half-hanging Peyton came down from the stool. She turned to me, and the sadness in her eyes broke my heart. I came further into her room, opening my arms to her.
"C'mere." I said, and she fit right into me, tears falling on my neck and shoulder. I held her tight. "It's gonna be alright." I said gently to her. It really wasn't a promise I was sure I could keep, but I wanted with all my heart to be able to.
"She's gone, Brooke." Peyton said. She was talking about Ellie. "I don't understand it… How someone can just be gone, I- I talked to her, Brooke. I hugged her I spent time with her, we… She's just gone." I pulled Peyton closer, wanting nothing else but to take her pan away. Losing Ellie was just another thing for my Peyton to add to her negatives in life. I just wanted to balance them out with positives.
* * *
We were lying on her bed before I realized we were lying on her bed, and a lot more time had gone by than I had realized. But it didn't matter. Peyton needed me right then, and I sure as hell was going to be there for her.
I felt her body relax against me after a few more minutes in silence and her temperature rose. I could tell she was just about asleep.
"I'm tired." She murmured against me, and a tear rolled down her cheek. I wiped away.
"I know." I whispered, laying down alongside her, never letting to. "Go to sleep, P. Sawyer." I said. And she didn't say anything after that, but I could tell she was fighting sleep, trying so hard to hang onto something… Maybe just me. I kissed her on the forehead and pulled her closer to me so her head rested under my chin. "I'm right here." I told her. And in less than a minute she warmed up more, and relaxed completely against me. Her breaths slowed and spread far apart, and I had to stop and watch her for just a moment because I hadn't seen her that relaxed in too long. She wasn't smiling, but it was good to see her a little freer from her pain.
After a few more minutes, to be sure Peyton didn't wake up, I finally fell asleep myself… And we didn't wake up until late the next morning.