It was silent as we both lay still in the pitch dark of my bedroom. Today had been one hell of a day, first waking up to Booth, telling Angela of Booth and me, Booth getting Broadsky, sending Vincent Nigel Murray home. Not going home alone which brought today to tonight, my mind raced in the dark of the night, the silence while comfortable, was deafening all at once.
Vincent died yesterday and my mind wandered more of raced back to that day, but it was not about Vincent's death and I felt a little shameful of that. Like I should be grieving his loss, but I wasn't right now. Instead, my mind was clear yet, I felt drugged. I wasn't used to the feeling. Although, I was still a bit nervous to acknowledge the recent actions Booth and I had crossed the night before. A line, the line had been crossed and there was no going back.
The logs that so often creaked and shifted had been set free as the dam broke. After that night there was no going back. Two had become one, while whispered words were said, pent up emotion were released, and our hearts seemingly melded together. We broke the law a lot that morning and that was just fine with me. Smiling, I now wondered if physics could be broken. What other laws could we prove wrong? Though, I shake the thought.
For now we lay awake in silence. It's dark, I can hear Booth breathing, and he is awake as well. He is holding me against him, tight like a child does a stuffed animal. His breathing is steady and peaceful as is mine. I kiss the back of his hand nuzzling it. Angela was right, although I or we had known it all along. I love him and I have for a very long time.
Before he opens his mouth I can feel the rumble of words unspoken in his chest which is pressed against my back. His head rests in the crook of my neck; his breath is hot as he begins to speak in a whisper, voice sleep laden and a bit raspy. "Bones?"
"Hhmm." I'm a say my voice as laden with sleep as his.
"I love you." He says this so carefully as if the words alone could break me. He is right, irrationally they could. I inhale as he says those three words again. He doesn't expect me to say them back, but he wants me too, hopes and prays to his God that I will. Though, I just can't, not yet. So I say nothing. He understands this and runs his fingers through my hair in the still of the night and my mind flashes back to the previous night.
I collapsed onto him in an emotional outburst of tears over Vincent's death. He had finished explaining to me that it wasn't my fault. Vincent wasn't speaking to me, it was his neurons firing improperly as he died. He was speaking to the universe. I wanted someone to hold me, no; I wanted Booth to hold me. My best friend that I knew was more. I hesitantly started to lay my head onto his shoulder, but pulled away and then looked in his eyes.
"Can I…can we just?" He wrapped his arms around me and lay back I held onto him and cried into his chest as he rubbed my back. I hadn't had anyone sooth or rub my back so lovingly in a very long time. His touch was different, I can't explain it. It was as if I was porcelain and he knew exactly how fragile every part of me was. I clung to him tighter, cried harder while he whispered words of comfort.
"It's not your fault Bones, shhh it's okay I got'cha. It's okay now baby." He said words eerily similar as to when the man stabbed me in the arm. I rubbed my head farther into his chest. After a bit my tears started to dry and I looked up, only to see his dark eyes smiling down into mine.
"Hey." He whispered and I couldn't think of anything to say.
"Hey." I whispered back, I didn't want to move. He was running his fingers through my hair smoothing it. I laid my head back down on him breaking eye contact.
"Booth?" we only spoke in whispers.
"Hhmm?"
"Are you still angry?" I had to know, the last of my imperviousness had just fell away and in his arms no less. There was a pause, a moment of silence that lasted a bit too long and I picked my head up looking into his eyes once more.
He was smiling. "No Bones, not at all."
I inhaled, as we held each other's stare. "I'm not an impervious substance anymore Booth. I feel, people might think I'm cold but I'm not." He frowned worrying me.
"Don't ever say you are cold Bones, ever. The people that say that about you don't know you. You know protection wasn't the only reason that I wanted you to stay at my place tonight, right?" I shook my head no.
"No, why?" I asked.
"Bones, you saw a friend die that's hard on anyone, but talking to someone about...I knew you would need someone to talk too." He said it rushed and it came out sounding like a confession. "You have a fragile heart Bones and you are a sensitive person, some may not see that because of your fierce independence and layers. But underneath, underneath Bones, you are one of the most sensitive, caring, warm-hearted people I know. Did you know that it's usually the strongest most independent people whom appear to be fine who usually are the most sensitive? I would never think of you as cold Bones, never."
A tear slipped down my cheek, not from the sadness of recent events but because of Booth's words. I wanted to lay my head back down onto him, but I couldn't look away from him. His dark endless eyes bore into my own. The shadows danced across his face in the early morning night. I could feel my heart start to beat faster and when he smiled at me I knew I had flushed.
"Bones?"
"Yes?"
"Kiss me." He said and I obeyed, my fingers trembling as they run up the nape of his neck and through his hair. The kiss started slow and methodical, soon a cadence was picked up and desire and passion took over. We parted and I shed my or his sweatshirt.
I kissed him again now wearing only the thin cotton shirt he had given me earlier to sleep in and my underwear. I smiled as I looked down at him and only wanting more. His hands were in my hair touching it like it was the last time he would ever get too. His eyes looking at it like it was the first time he had ever touched it, a playful wonder grew within. He lay flat back against the pillows and I looked at him curiously wondering why he had suddenly stopped, he continued to look into my eyes with a strong intensity. I had seen it before, "I love you."
I inhaled upon hearing his words. My eyes dance back and forth searching his.
"You don't mean in an atta' girl way do you?" I asked quietly
"No Bones and I didn't mean it then either. I was just too scared I would spook you if I was to tell you that." He said and I nodded in understanding.
"Booth?"
"Hhmm?"
"Make love to me. Show me how two become one, no one will arrest us for breaking the law of physics." I say and he chuckles into my mouth as he is kissing me and removing my shirt. Shirt now tossed aside, we roll over in the bed and then he says.
"Even if they were to arrest us Bones, there is no one here to catch us." He says making no sense, but I don't care I just want him.
"Mmm-hmm." I say not really paying attention to what he says but more of what my body aches for.
Please don't say I love you,
those words touch me much too deeply
and they make my core tremble
Don't think you realize the effect you have over me
Please don't look at me like that
It just makes me want to make you near me always
I come out of my flashback and notice I still haven't said anything since he has said I love you only moments ago. I smile as he pulls me tighter against him, but I feel a bit squished and hot. I move his arm, he groans showing his dismay as he lifts his head off of my shoulder. I roll over now facing him, our faces inches apart. The displeased moan is replaced with a smile and a kiss on my forehead. He takes his arm and drapes it around me, his hand rest on my shoulder blade. His thumb caresses my back so gently, it's impossible for skin to breath but I feel as if my skin just exhaled a shaky breath.
Please don't kiss me so sweet
it makes me crave a thousand kisses to follow
And please don't touch me like that
makes every other embrace seem pale and shallow
And please don't come so close
it just makes me want to make you near me always
I inhale loving holding my partner in my bed as I remember how we ended up at my place tonight. It's strange this thing called love, it can be filled with so much joy and pain. Broadsky, the name brings horrid memories. I'm not a person to get scared, but today at work I was scared for Booth. If Angela wasn't there it would have been very hard for me to function efficiently. I told Angela of what happened between Booth and I today, she was happy for me. It felt good to tell Angela, I remember her reaction after I told her I got into bed with Booth and my mind has another flashback.
"I got into bed with Booth last night." I said
Her face was a wide grin, "What exactly happened after you, you crawled into bed with Booth?" she asked and I smiled a smile that gave it all away.
"Oh My God!" she said and at first I thought something was wrong.
"What?"
"I would say hallelujah if it weren't so close to Vincen'ts death." she said
"I think I did it because of Vincent." I said
she looked at me odd. "Like he was the catalyst."
She nods and yells at Hodgins to go away.
"That could have been important." I say
"Sweetie, this is important. He can tell Cam or something." she says and I shrug.
"So, was he?" she raises her eyebrow in question
"What?"
"Good." Angela says
"Oh then yes, now that I have direct knowledge I can say that Booth isn't just buffering when he says he is good in bed."
"Bluffing?"
"I don't know." I say and Angela shakes her head at me rolling her eyes. Then starts to walk out of the room, we still had work to do.
"Hey Ange?" she stops turning and looking at me.
"He was different, Booth I mean. Not like anybody..."
I remember she smiled when she cut me off. "It's because he loves you Bren...and you love him."
She walked out of the room and I thought about what she said as I examined the skull in front of me. I was loved, loved.
Today was also the day the hearse was coming to pick up Mr. Vincent Nigel Murray so his body could be shipped back home to England. Cam had notified his mother. I called Booth and told him I would be late, he didn't ask why. I met him and the rest of the team in the back of the Jeffersonian at the loading dock. I had stopped to get flowers.
When we left I notice Angela smile at Booth and I as I looped my arm through his. She was happy for me. I was very happy, yet so scared of this strange feeling all at once. Once out of site of the team and on our way back to the parking garage I lay my head on his shoulder pulling him toward me, closer. We stop and momentarily search each others eyes as we arrive at my vehicle. He grabs my hand and squeezes it, I smile. I don't want to sleep alone tonight, but how to tell him?
"Bones, you want to go to your place for a drink?" he says and I nod yes not wanting to say anything. How did he know I wanted to go to my place and not his? I don't try to understand how or why for the moment and I let him drive. While he drives he takes my hand holding it across the center console. I find it a bit of a silly teenage action, but at the same time I can't bring myself to let go. I can't let go. I won't let go.
Please don't bring me flowers
they only whisper the sweet things you'd say
Don't try to understand me
your hands already know too much anyway…
It just makes me want to make you near me always
I grab a glass of Pinot Noir and I grab a beer for Booth knowing he hates white wines. He's not big on wine in general, oh well. I drink half the bottle and he has another beer. We don't talk about last night, but share memories of Vincent.
"Cam had to call his mom in England." I say
"I heard."
"I haven't spoken with Cam about the phone call." I say my tone is poignant and I feel more emotional then I normally would. I hide it quickly, but I should know by now Booth can see through my walls easily. Hell, they are glass to him. I feel his eyes on me and look at him, our eyes lock.
"It was nice of you to bring flowers Bones. Vincent would have appreciated them." He says and for some reason I casually rest my head on his shoulder smiling.
I whisper. "I did good?" my eyes are glossy, but I don't know why.
I hear Booth laugh lightly and set his drink down. He wraps his arm around my shoulder and again rubs my arm as if warming me from the cold. I think he likes to do that. "Yeah, baby, you did good." He then lay back resting his head on the arm of the couch. I fall back with him and lay on his chest. It's dark, quiet too quiet.
"Booth?" My voice penetrates the silence.
"Hhmm?"
He is still rubbing my arm and I exhale comfortable. "Stay?"
I can hear my heartbeat, once, twice, three times. I look up at him the silence having lingered too long. He sits up and takes my face in his hands and his thumbs caress my cheek bones wiping a tear away. I just want a damn answer. He kisses my forehead and I wait.
"Of course, Bones."
"Just sleep? I'm tired Booth." I say and he smiles at me and then kisses me softly on my temple echoing.
"Just sleep." He says and I smile as we walk into the bedroom and he pulls back my comforter for me. I don't say anything just crawl into bed he pulls me against him once under the comforters. I've come to notice he treats me like I'm a porcelain teddy bear of his very own…and I'm realizing how much I like it.
It's been a little while since I have rolled over to face him, he continues to rub my shoulder blade, and my skin still feels as if it needs to exhale. Staring at him we lay quietly in each other's arms, lost in one another's eyes. I still have said nothing to him since he has told me that he loved me only moments ago. He likes to run his hands through my hair and continues to do so as he holds me in the night. I feel a bit overwhelmed, all logic gone, rational erased. I feel…high.
"Booth when one is in love does it feel like you are on a high?" I say and he laughs lightly.
"Why are you laughing?" I ask softly but seriously.
"You." He answers playfully but meaning it.
"Why?" I say a bit disappointed and he takes his hand and brushes my cheek bone again.
He ignores my previous question. "Why do you feel high Bones?"
I nod yes and he smiles kissing my forehead.
"Booth?"
"Hhmm?"
"I love you too." I say looking in his eyes and for a heartbeat his hand stops caressing my hair and are still. I watch as he smiles, and I kiss his lips. He kisses me back, I know there will be more than just sleep tonight, and that's just fine.
And when you look in my eyes
please know my heart is in your hands
It's nothing that I understand, but when in your arms
you have complete power over me
So be gentle if you please, 'cause
Your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth
And it makes me want to make you near me always
I'm the only one awake now as I lay in the dark, my mind still races of Booth and my actions, both earlier tonight and the previous night. Things were going to change; change is inevitable-look at us. I wasn't sure if I was ready; if we were ready. Then again we have worked around some big things in the past. This was a good thing, we would be fine. I inhaled in the dark silent night. Yes, a good thing.
Booth stretches out his arm in his slumber and drapes it over me as I look at his face. He absentmindedly pulls me closer to him and buries his head into my chest as he sleeps. I'm now officially a human pillow. I smile and exhale the breath I had taken in wrapping my arms around him as well. Yes, it was going to be okay. We were going to be okay.
Your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth
And it makes me want to make you near me always
I want to be near you always
I want to be near you always
I want to be near you always
Song Near You Always by Jewel