Welcome to the first chapter of this lovely fic! Let me give it a bit of an introduction.
This story originated as a roleplay between my matesprit and I (she is Eridan and I am Karkat), but after uploading pictures from the RP to deviantArt, we received many requests to upload the story. Since it was an RP, it didn't really have much of a plot (hence the title), was written mostly in chat logs, and also contains a few links. While the ones in this chapter are not completely necessary to follow the (lack of) plot, I'd still recommend looking at them by copy and pasting them into your browser and replacing [dot] with a period.
This story takes place in an AU where Eridan does not go crazy and kill a bitch or two. The exact time at which this fic takes place isn't very specific, but it is after the trolls wound up chilling on the asteroid.
Homestuck belongs to Andrew Hussie and the art we linked in this chapter belongs to whoever the fuck drew it. If we used your art and you have a problem with it, let us know and we'll take it down.
Chapter 1
Karkat growled at the onslaught of incoming messages. It seemed that every troll he knew was having some sort of issue that they felt demanded his immediate attention. He'd started out talking solely to John, but as his friends signed onto trollian one by one, his conversations multiplied. Now he was juggling Terezi, Sollux, John, Gamzee, and Eridan all at once, and as they persistently messaged him, he became increasingly enraged. Terezi was being her usual self, taunting Karkat and making stupid jokes at his expense - in the nicest way possible of course. Normally, this wouldn't bother him at all, but combined with the pestering of other trolls, it did. Sollux was also being his usual self, and that in itself was annoying. Karkat was, of course, having an obscene argument with him that the two would later pretend never happened. John was having a particularly difficult time understanding anything Karkat told him and requested many explanations on things Karkat had already explained in future conversations. Gamzee was doing his ordinary spiel about miracles and other stuff that Karkat didn't give two shits about. Eridan had been unbearable recently. Desperate to fill any quadrant with any troll, he'd resorted to hitting on pretty much anything that spoke to him. It was disgusting, pathetic, and Karkat hated to watch his obvious advances. When Eridan sent a message to Karkat, the smaller troll nearly punched his computer in irritation. However, as their conversation progressed, Karkat realized that Eridan's flirting was practically nonexistent. He found himself even enjoying the conversation the tiniest bit.
CG: I CAN'T BELIEVE I ACTUALLY HAD A NORMAL CONVERSATION WITH YOU ERIDAN. YOU DIDN'T EVEN TRY TO HIT ON ME.
CA: you probably just didnt notice
CA: i mean wwhat
CA: do
CA: do you wwant me to kar
CA: cause i totally could if you wwanted to go there
CG: WHAT THE FUCK ERIDAN, I THOUGHT YOU COULD BE MATURE ABOUT THIS
CG: OH WAIT, I FORGOT WHO I WAS TALKING TO.
CA: i am bein mature
CG: COME TO THINK OF IT WHY AM I STILL TALKING TO YOU?
CG: GOOD FUCKING BYE ERIDAN.
CA: swweet dreams kar ;)
carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] at 11:48
THE NEXT FUCKING DAY
Karkat opened a document editing program. There had been a certain itch that had needed scratching his whole day. How the hell was he supposed to make a XD face with his horns? He typed in a quick attempt but then recoiled in horror at the stupidity he had just created in three small characters: CxB. He swore an oath to never, EVER use that as his happy/laughing face. He resolved to consulting a friend about it, and looked down his trollslum, disappointed to see that only one troll was online, and it was pretty much the troll he least wanted to ask for advice on this matter: Eridan. Karkat heaved a sigh as he hesitantly clicked on Eridan's trolltag.
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] at 10:09
CG: HEY FUCKASS.
CA: hey
CG: YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE FUCKING ONLINE RIGHT NOW, SO YOU'RE THE ONLY I CAN FUCKING TALK TO ABOUT THIS.
CA: eww im not fuckin online
CG: FOR THE LOVE OF CRAP.
CA: wwhat do you need help wwith kar
CG: I KEEP TRYING TO MAKE HAPPY FACES TO THE LEFT BECAUSE OF MY HORNS, BUT IT'S NOT WORKING.
CA: wwhat about CxB
CG: NO.
CA: C:B ?
CG: WHAT ABOUT...
CG: C]:B
CG: OH GOD NOW IT JUST HAS A MUSTACHE.
CG: MAYBE I'M JUST NOT SUPPOSED TO MAKE LAUGHING OR HAPPY FACES AT ALL.
CG: J:B
CA: do you wwant me to make you havve a happy face kar?
CG: YES
CG: WAIT FUCK
CG: NO
CA: BD
CG: JUST STOP, ERIDAN
CG: PLEASE
CA: ok
CA: i wwill do wwhatevver you wwant kar
CG: WAIT REALLY?
CA: anythin you wwant
CA: anythin
CG: OH GOD I SHOULD HAVE SEEN THAT COMING
CA: maybe
CG: GO AWAY ERIDAN
CA: howw can i go awway wwere not evven close
CA: physically
CG: AND I NEVER WANT TO BE
CA: i can get close to you physically
CG: NO
CG: I'M REJECTING YOU
CA: ...
CA: r-really?
CA: ww-wwhy are you so mean kar...
CA: wwhy is evveryone so mean
CA: im just lonely here
CG: WE'RE NOT MEAN WE JUST DON'T WANT TO BE NEAR YOU
CA: i got major ordeals to deal wwith and no one is wwillin to lift a fuckin finger...
CG: OR TALK TO YOU
CA: ...
CG: OR HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU
CA: ...!
CG: WHAT "MAJOR ORDEALS" DO YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH. PLEASE. ENLIGHTEN ME.
CA: IMMA GO CRAZY AND KILL YA BITCH
CA: errrrr wwwwwwhat
CA: sorry that wwas my turrets kickin in
CA: but
CA: there are all these things i havve to do and only crazy catgirl shipper girl is doin anythin and she isnt evven talkin to me
CG: AWW DOES SOMEONE NEED A HUG?
CA: ...
CA: maybe
CA: can i havve a hug kar
CG: GO ASK SOMEONE ELSE FOR IT
CA: ...
CA: but i havve asked others
CA: they said no
CA: and it wwasnt like the wway you say no kar i knoww wwhen youre jokin
CG: WELL MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE A PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A TROLL. EVER THINK OF THAT?
CG: I'M NOT FUCKING JOKING
CA: wwoah kar i had no idea you wwanted that kinda relationship
CG: NO
CG: GOD NO
CA: dont you think youre comin on a little strong
CA: i mean wwhatevver floats your boat but
CG: I HATE YOU PLATONICALLY. COMPLETELY PLATONICALLY. DON'T YOU FUCKING SAY I'M THE ONE COMING ON STRONG
CA: oh reelly
CG: YES
CG: I'M NOT KIDDING ERIDAN, AS MUCH AS YOU LIKE TO THINK I AM
CA: oh i knoww you are kar
CA: i can alwways tell wwhen youre makin a joke
CA: its kinda a secret language wwe got goin here
CA: wwe understand each other kar
CA: you and me
CA: me and you
CG: CLEARLY YOU CAN'T. CLEARLY YOU HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT IS GOING THROUGH ANYONE'S HEAD YOU FUCKING SELF ABSORBED HIPSTER.
CA: haha oh kar you make me laugh so
CA: much
CG: I DON'T GET IT. I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW YOUR MIND WORKS. IT'S A COMPLETE FUCKING MYSTERY TO ME.
CA: im mysterious?
CG: YES. YOU'RE MYSTERIOUS IN THE WORST POSSIBLE FUCKING WAY. AND YET YOU STILL MANAGE TO BE A COMPLETE JOKE.
CA: wwoww thanks i guess kar
CA: so noww im mysterious and funny? oh kar you alwways knoww wwhat to say to cheer me up
CG: OK I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO TRY TO INSULT YOU ANY MORE. YOU JUST KEEP TWISTING THEM INTO FUCKED UP COMPLIMENTS. AT LEAST YOU MIGHT STOP MOPING THIS WAY
CA: yeah thanks kar
CA: for carin
CG: I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU. AT ALL. NOT THAT YOU'D UNDERSTAND THAT.
CA: haha youre lucky i understand our humor kar otherwwise i might think you didnt care about me lmao
CG: I DON'T. THERE IS NO HUMOR CAN'T YOU GET THAT THROUGH YOUR UGLY FUCKING SCARF AND STUPID HAIR?
CA: hahaha so funny kar B)
CA: i especially like the bit about the scarf haha classic kar
CG: YOUR SCARF. IT'S UGLY
CG: APPARENTLY THAT'S A JOKE
CA: haha yeah especially i knoww you like it
CA: especially in our play-hate sessions kar
CG: NO. I DON'T GET WHY THE WORDS "I HATE YOU PLATONICALLY" DON'T REGISTER WITH YOU.
CA: oh i knoww you dont hate me in that wway
CA: er
CA: i dont think i could evver really hate you that wway either kar
CA: unless you wwanted me to
CG: I DO WANT YOU TO. PLEASE. IT'S SO MUCH EASIER TO ARGUE WITH SOMEONE WHO HATES YOU JUST AS MUCH.
CA: oh
CA: wwell i had no idea
CA: uh
CA: okay
CG: IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVEN'T TOLD YOU FIVE MILLION TIMES BEFORE
CA: you told me to hate you a million times?
CG: WELL GENERALLY THAT'S THE REACTION I WAS TRYING TO GET EVERY TIME I SAID I HATE YOU OR WHENEVER I INSULTED YOU.
CA: i havve to admit i am completely shocked by this revvelation
CA: blackrom? really? huh.
CA: so...
CA: should you get the pails or should i
CG: NO
CG: AUGH
CG: ERIDAN, DO YOU KNOW WHAT PLATONIC MEANS?
CA: lovve/hate wwith plato? im not sure im into that kar
CA: i havve standards
CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS PLATO?
CA: oops playdough my bad looks like this [dot] blogspot [dot] com/-C3dkHgs2F1Y/TeOkFqJVVlI/AAAAAAAAAk4/IwXxRNuZz9c/s320/IMG_6872 [dot] JPG
CG: THAT IS SOME GROSS SHIT, ERIDAN.
CA: yeah it is
CA: and it comes in all colors a the rainboww
CA: pretty morbid
CG: WHY WOULD YOU THINK I WANTED TO BE NEAR SOMETHING THAT FUCKING REVOLTING?
CA: man i dont knoww kar thats wwhy i wwas confused
CG: PROBABLY FOR THE SAME REASON YOU THINK I WANT TO BE NEAR YOU.
CA: oh haha nice one
CG: PLEASE, JUST FUCKING LOOK THE WORD PLATONIC UP. SAVE US ALL SOME TROUBLE
CA: no
CA: i dont fuckin feel like it
CA: youre far lowwer on the hemospectrum than me i dont havve to do shit!
CA: thtbhbttbtbtbt
CG: HOW THE FUCK WOULD YOU KNOW THAT?
CA: cuz vvris can control you fucknuts
CA: she can only control people lowwer on the hemospectrum duh
CA: and youre a land dwweller
CA: wwhich automatically means youre lowwer than me
CG: ...YOU MAKE A VALID POINT. BUT YOU'RE STILL A FUCKING LAZY AND IGNORANT IDIOT.
CA: at least im nobility i dont havve to take orders from fuckin anyone
CA: and i am in no wway lazy i had to deal wwith all those terrible angels remember
CA: the ones NO ONE WWOULD HELP ME WWITH
CG: YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO KILL THEM FUCKASS
CA: seriously i had to deal wwith those horrible things wwhile nobody came to help me
CA: it wwas horrible
CA: but i dealt wwith it
CA: ALONE
CG: YOU'RE FINALLY LEARNING TO BE A MAN. CONGRADU-FUCKING-LATIONS.
CG: I STILL WON'T GET WITH YOU.
CA: howw am i doin wwith the hate too much too little?
CG: I DON'T WANT TO BE KISMESISES.
CG: WAS THAT FUCKING CLEAR ENOUGH?
CA: oh right haha of couuuuuuurse
CA: oh kar i mean this in the most lovving wway but you are a total hat wwhore
CA: oops *hate
CG: OK, SINCE WORDS AREN'T WORKING, CLEARLY, LET ME TRY TO EXPLAIN THIS VISUALLY. THIS IS HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU: http:/27 [dot] media [dot] tumblr [dot] com/tumblr_lkut1bd4941qjaznao1_500 [dot] png
CG: WAIT
CG: FUCK
CG: NO
CG: YOU WERE NOT SUPPOSED TO SEE THAT
CG: UHH... I DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT CAME FROM.
CG: IGNORE IT.
CG: http:/25 [dot] media [dot] tumblr [dot] com/tumblr_lm6keqfxn31qipzzwo1_500 [dot] jpg
CG: THERE. SEE MY FACE? DOES THAT LOOK LIKE I'M ENJOYING YOUR FUCKING PRESENCE?
CA: wwoah kar wwhere did you evven get that first picture
CG: UHH... TEREZI SENT IT TO ME. AS A JOKE. TO PISS ME OFF.
CA: really
CA: uh huh
CG: YES. REALLY.
CG: IT WORKED TOO. EVERY TIME I LOOK AT IT I WANT TO VOMIT.
CG: REALLY
CA: right
CA: sure kar
CA: wwhatevver you saaaaaaaay
CG: NO I'M SERIOUS. TEREZI DREW IT OR SOMETHING.
CA: haha suuuuuuure she did
CG: OR SHE GOT ONE OF HER FRIENDS WHO CAN ACTUALLY DRAW FOR SHIT DO IT. AND THEN SHE SENT IT TO ME. AND I COPIED THE WRONG LINK. DON'T GET THE WRONG IDEA
CA: hahaha yeah okayyyyyyyy
CA: that sounds vvery believvable kar
CA: this is my suuuuuuuuuure face btww :http:/browse [dot] deviantart [dot] com/?qh§ion&q=eridan#/d3fm1zr
CA: except you havve to imagine my eyebrowws wwiggling up and dowwn
CA: totally unsuggestivvely (wwink wwink)
CG: ERIDAN, I DON'T WANT YOUR FUCKING HEARTS, FAN ART OR WINKS.
CG: AND YOU LOOK LIKE THIS GUY
CG: http:/deconstructingcomics [dot] com/podcast/references/hanna [dot] jpg
CG: YOU'RE SECRETLY A GINGER,
CG: THAT'S WHY NO ONE LIKES YOU
CA: ...
CA: kar look up human karkat on devviantart
CA: you are also a ginger lmao
CA: http:/browse [dot] deviantart [dot] com/?qh§ion&q=human+karkat#/d392to0 lmao
CG: AT LEAST MY SECRET GINGER NAME ISN'T HANNA.
CA: wwhat
CA: hanna
CA: wwhat
CG: http:/hanna [dot] aftertorque [dot] com/?p=4
CA: oh haha kar thats silly i look nothing like that guy i thought you meant something else
CG: YOU LOOK EXACTLY LIKE HIM. AND IT'S NO COINCIDENCE THAT I HATE THAT WEBCOMIC AS WELL.
CA: i dont knoww that wwebcomic i dont read those things
CA: i dont see the resemblance at all
CG: ERIDAN, YOU HAVE THE SAME FUCKING GLASSES AND THE SAME SEXY HAIR, EXCEPT YOURS IS FUCKING PURPLE AND BLACK.
CG: SHIT, I MEANT FUCKING. NOT SEXY. NEVER SEXY
CG: STOP GETTING OFF ON MY TYPOS ERIDAN
CA: typos or troll Freudian slips?
CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS A FREUDIAN?
CG: THOSE WERE TYPOS.
CA: troll freudian kar this guy wwith glasses that wwasnt me or sol or eq wwho youvve probably nevver heard of
CA: i think he had glasses
CG: THANKS ERIDAN. THAT WAS REALLY FUCKING HELPFUL.
CA: wwell it basically means you let something slip thats actually howw you really feel *hint hint
CG: NO ERIDAN. THAT IS DEFINITELY NOT WHAT I DID. HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU I FIND YOU REPULSIVE?
CA: i guess more than wwhat youvve already said haha
CA: honestly kar your little insults are startin to become sort of
CA: wwell cute
CA: like pet names
CG: ERIDAN, HOW THE FUCK CAN I CONVINCE YOU THAT I HATE YOU ENTIRELY? AND NOT IN A KISMESIS WAY?
CA: ohhhh
CA: kar
CA: i knoww you dont
CA: haha but
CA: i dunno
CA: some a those "typos"...
CA:
CG: THAT'S ALL THEY WERE. FUCKING TYPOS. I DON'T HAVE ANY FEELINGS FOR YOU, RED OR BLACK. NONE. GET THAT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL.
CA: yeah hehe they sure wwere "fucking" typos kar hehehe
CG: YES. FUCKING. IT'S KIND OF MY WORD. I USE IT A WHOLE FUCKING LOT IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED.
CA: ...are you insinuatin somethin?
CG: AND YOU KNOW WHAT ERIDAN? I'M FUCKING IN BED.
CA: really
CA: uhhhhh wwho
CG: I MEAN I'M FUCKING TO SLEEP NOW
CG: GOING TO SLEEP. NOW. THERE IS NO FUCKING INVOLVED.
CA: oh my cod kar
CA: uh okay good i guess
CG: WOULD YOU LEAVE ME ALONE IF I TOLD YOU I WAS FUCKING TEREZI?
CA: wwould you like me more if i told you i wwas terezi?
CG: PROBABLY.
CG: BUT YOU'RE FUCKING NOT.
CA: haha okay then
CA: YOURE FUCKIN TEREZI
CA: OH
CA: COD
CA: KAR
CA: NOOOOOOO
CA: I DO NOT WWANT TO HEAR ABOUT THAT
CG: ...GOOD FUCKING NIGHT.
CA: ...can i join?
CG: FUCK NO
CA: glub
CA: good night kar
CA: sleep tight! *heart*