A/N: Skywarp hijacked my brain - I have no excuse. This will be the raunchiest thing I ever post.
Warning: Stick to the Mountain Dew flavored energon unless you are over 21.
Skywarp's Transformers Drinking Game
"All right squishies," Skywarp grinned mischievously as he leaned against a rather large stack of high-grade energon cubes. "Today I'm going to teach you the party rules for 'Skywarp's Transformers Drinking Game'. Now I know some of you are wondering 'Why does Skywarp have a game?' Because I deserve some squishy worship. Another question you might be thinking is 'What in the original Transformers cartoons can you drink to?' Plenty. You remember those slagging PSA's 'Knowing is half the battle'? Well I'm going to lead you to that battle and get you over-charged at the same time. And maybe I'll corrupt your little squishy processors, too."
"Oh, I should point out that if you're one of those die-hard fans that goes ballistic when anyone makes fun of anything Transformers or if you think this will destroy your childhood memories, then you shouldn't play this. Ever. We'll give you a couple of nano-seconds to leave our party." He whistled and glanced around the room absently, smirking as the door slammed.
"There's always one of them. Now let's go over our basic supplies before we start. You don't want to find out in the middle of the party that you're missing stuff."
He pointed to a cushy Transformer-sized couch, "First one is easy: A place to lounge about comfortably. Something with a little elbow room, so if you have to fall over in an over-charged stupor or just because you're laughing too much, you can."
He picked up an extra large remote control from the seat of the couch and pointed to a monstrous flat-screened TV. "Second: DVD's of the first two seasons of the 'Generation One' series. If you videotaped the show from when it aired originally in 1984 on your BetaMax, you might consider entering the 21st century and quit spending time in your room playing Pong on your Apple II."
"Third:" He patted his stack of energon cubes, "Copious amounts of what ever beverage you are going to consume. The point of this game is to honor ME. And the best way to do so is to get as slag-faced over-charged as possible. My personal choice is the best high-grade credits can buy, but it's your party. Remember that some people do not hold their energon well, so make sure the path to the human waste removal room is clear."
"And finally, you need your squishy friends. I would have invited mine, but 'Screamer gets upset because it's not all about his grand ego and TC can't hold his energon."
He took the top most energon cube from the stack and plopped down in the couch. "You're probably thinking that I'll be lame and make you drink every time Prime says 'Roll out' or when Megatron yells 'Decepticons, retreat!' or even 'You fool, Starscream!' But I'm not. No. No, no. If I had you drink at those prompts you'd be trashed before you got through 'More Than Meets The Eye'. You're supposed to get over-charged, but not that quickly. I've got your generic 'drink when this happens' slag, but I've also hand picked some of my favorite parts and lines. Yes, some are vulgar and raunchy, but hey, this is me we're talking about. Whatever I can twist into something dirty, I do so with pride. I also give my personal commentary on each rule. And here we come to an important part in the rules for my game: MY screen time is important here. 'Screamer can get all the fangirls he wants, but you squishes will be toasting to me."
He took a sip of his energon cube and smacked his lips. "Mmm. Perfect. Now on to my favorite part of the game: drinking and making fun of the show!"
Rule 1: Toast to me in the opening fight scenes for every episode - I'm not picky: 'All hail Skywarp', 'To Skywarp, Lord of the Heavens', even 'Skywarp Rules!' will do.
Rule 2: Toast my awakening on the ARK – If it weren't for ME then there wouldn't be a show.
Rule 3: Drink three times when you hear my name - This is my game after all.
Rule 4: Toast when you see me teleport – See above.
Rule 5: Drink when I'm flying – Get the idea, yet?
Rule 6: Drink twice when someone says 'Those aren't jets' – See below.
Rule 6a: Toast me when I'm one of 'those jets' – 'To Skywarp! Ruler of the skies!'
Rule 7: Drink twice when we insult each other – Decepti-creep, Autobot-scum, whatever.
Rule 8: Drink four times when I call Starscream a nerd – One of my personal favorites.
Rule 9: Drink four times when Thundercracker calls Starscream a geek – Thundercracker might have a sense of humor after all.
Rule 10: Drink twice when Soundwave points out the obvious – Annoying fragger, but it's funny when he does it to Megatron.
Rule 11: Drink twice when we don't use doors – Doors are for Autobots. Random acts of destruction are a win.
Rule 12: Drink twice when someone is wearing the wrong faction symbol – You have to pay attention for this one. It happens more often than you'd think.
Rule 13: Drink three times when someone says their own name – Like 'I declare this to be Astrotrain headquarters!' He's a space choo-choo.
Rule 13a: Drink and laugh at Astrotrain – He's the little space train that could.
Rule 14: Drink when someone crashes – Don't drink when I crash.
Rule 15: Drink when someone has a 'plan' – See below.
Rule 16: Drink twice when the plan works – At least somebody's got some processing skills around here.
Rule 17: Drink three times when the plan fails – Decepticon retirement plans? Yeah, I don't see that happening.
Rule 18: Drink twice when someone yells 'It's a trap!' – Duh!
Rule 19: Drink twice when someone says 'Prepare to meet your doom!' – I'm still looking for it.
Rule 20: Drink twice when someone says 'I'll be avenged!' – Sure you will.
Rule 21: Drink twice when someone says 'I'll get my revenge!' – Keep right on thinking that.
Rule 22: Drink when they find a new power source – Energy cores, ruby crystals, anti-mater formulas, super fuels…
Rule 22a: Make sure it's every time the power source is mentioned – You'll get over-charged faster that way.
Rule 23: Drink twice when the power source is destroyed – Now you know why gas is 4 bucks a gallon in the US.
Rule 24: Drink three times when the energon cubes are destroyed – Haha, I have more high-grade than you do, Megatron!
Rule 25: Drink when there is a new Decepticon plot that will 'Defeat the Autobots!' – See below.
Rule 26: Drink twice when the plot fails – There isn't a lot of thinking that goes into all this plotting.
Rule 27: Drink when there is a new weapon that will 'Destroy the Autobots!' – See below.
Rule 28: Drink twice when the weapon fails – You think Transformers would have lasted this long if the Decepticons actually won?
Rule 29: Drink when Wheeljack has a new invention – You can see this one coming…
Rule 30: Drink twice when the invention gets destroyed – KABOOM!
Rule 31: Drink twice while Megatron gives his long and overbearing speeches to the Autobots – Many times I wish I had something to drink while he was flapping his vocal components.
Rule 32: Drink twice when a bad pun is used – And there are so many…
Rule 33: Drink twice when Rumble tries to rhyme – His rapping skills suck afterburner, too. Remember Rule 13 here as well since he adds his name to every slagging rhyme!
Rule 34: Drink three times when Jazz says 'Into the ocean, let's be daring. The last one in is a rusty herring.' – The guy rhymes better than Rumble!
Rule 35: Drink twice when Ironhide says 'Leakin' Lubricants!' – I guess you're not as 'Depends'-able as you think you are, Ironhide. Older mechs have more problems with that.
Rule 36: Drink three times when Rumble knocks over Ironhide – You have to give the little glitch credit for this one. Ironhide is such a push over.
Rule 37: Drink three times when Frenzy is in an episode – The red Cassetticon. Don't start with the FIRRIB slag. Decepticons don't care which little fragger is which.
Rule 38: Drink twice when Chip says 'No one's really disabled as long as they have courage!' – Try not to empty your fuel tanks this early in the game.
--
"Now we move on to the 'special' rules. We'll start with one of the easiest characters to pick on in the series."
--
Rule 39: Drink three times when Starscream says 'This is one of those times when you really need a friend.' – Aww, poor 'Screamer.
Rule 40: Drink three times when Megatron tells Starscream 'She's hot enough to replace you.' – Yeah, that one shocked me too, and I was standing there when he said it. That's kinda a fangirl moment, isn't it? You should spit half of that back.
Rule 41: Drink three times when the snake attacks Starscream – Get it? Snakes on a plane? And he shrieks just like the squishies do in the movie!
Rule 42: Drink three times when the bird shits on Starscream – See next.
Rule 42a: Drink again at Rumble covered in bird shit – Try not to spit out what you just drank. Start laughing after you've swallowed.
Rule 43: Drink four times when Starscream says "I'm stupid! I'm stupid!' – Twice for each stupid.
--
"Hmm, 'Screamer added some rules on my list…"
--
Rule 44: Drink four times when SKYWARP says 'Heat seeking missiles, seek heat!' – … Writers strike at the time, I think.
Rule 45: Drink four times when SKYWARP says 'We'll make them regret undooming themselves.' – …
"Fine. You want to play that way?"
Rule 46: Drink twice every time STARSCREAM crashes!
Rule 47: Toast me four times when I say to STARSCREAM 'You waste more energy with your mouth!' – In your faceplates, 'Screamer!
--
"I kinda feel bad for making this rule, but…"
Rule 48: Drink three times when Thundercracker says 'This is the greatest!' and falls over – Told you he was a lightweight. Actually, let's toast him. He's a good wingmate. 'To Thundercracker! Hopefully we can hold our high-grade better than you can!'
--
"Okay, squishies! That concludes the silly stuff. On to the raunchy parts!"
--
Rule 49: Drink twice when Transformer anatomy is mentioned – Whether its 'dinging your diodes' or 'shoving it up your exhaust ports', when you hear body parts mentioned, you drink. Giggling is not optional.
Rule 50: Drink three times when there is a 'suggestive' moment or innuendo – Is that your photon rifle in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? Wanna see my rub sign, baby? Show me your weapon! 'Looks like you need a complete overhaul.' Listen to what is being said and watch the camera angles. Especially with people's heads. Guns are usually pointing at, or away, from someone's codpiece.
And don't tell me that you didn't giggle like a squishy schoolgirl when you first saw Megatron's weapon for the Crystal of Power. Or the Nevagator. And why does Megatron's helmet look like male squishy parts?
Plus, it's mech-on-mech fighting. Eventually someone is going to end up on his knees grunting, or get pinned while wrestling with another mech's hands all over you.
And lets face it, those minibots are the perfect height.
Rule 51: Drink twice and laugh when you see Ramjet – 'So what are your ramming your jet into, Conehead?'
Rule 52: I should have you spit back into your cube for these, but we have to address it at some point. Fangirl moments. The infamous Starscream glomping Megatron scene, Inferno bridal-carrying Red Alert, Cliffjumper and Mirage wrestling, blah blah blah.
Drink if you like this slag.
Rule 53: Drink four times when you see a Transformer using someone as a 'vehicle' – And I'm not talking about riding in the slaggin' car. I'm talking about those times, and mind you it's the Autobots that do this, one of them is riding on top of another one. It looks like they're having some skidplate action to me. And no, they're not getting any afterburner action when they ride one of us.
At least not from me.
Rule 54: Chug your cube when Shockwave is riding Starscream – Laugh proudly like the perverts you are!!
Rule 55: Drink twice when Soundwave presses his own buttons– I can understand why 'PLAY' and 'PAUSE' are on his codpiece, but why is 'EJECT' on his shoulder? And with as many times he hits that 'EJECT' button, you gotta wonder if he's hitting 'PLAY' a lot. You can thank me for that scaring mental image later.
Rule 56: Drink twice when Megatron loses his fusion cannon – Do you know how often the fragger's cannon falls off before he pulls the trigger? And his crotch is the trigger! You'd think the guy would at least try to keep a hold of that.
Rule 57: Drink four times when Megatron has someone 'catch' him – Soundwave plays 'catcher' most of the time. Makes you wonder if Soundwave hits his 'PLAY' button while he's got his hands on Megatron's trigger.
Rule 58: Drink four times when Prime says 'Your pumping days are over!' – Don't they make drugs to fix that problem?
Rule 59: Drink three times when Prime says 'A boobytrap that actually catches boobies.' – Hehe, he said 'boobies'.
Rule 60: Drink three times when Megatron says 'Don't stand there with your cockpits open!' – Nothing wrong with having your cockpit showing. Just lets everyone know what a sexy Seeker I am.
Rule 61: Chug your cube when Megatron yells 'Now load me!' – Don't forget to wash your hands, Prime. You never know who pulled his trigger last.
Rule 62: Chug your cube when Prime 'helps' Megatron transform – Prime's hunched down on Megatron and his hands are all over him. I don't think I need to say anything else.
Rule 63: Chug your cube when Alpha Trion says 'Only your design will properly interface with Elita-1' – YES! Finally, some proper interfacing! This is the BEST frakking scene EVER! The Mighty Optimus Prime is grunting away over his sister!
What's that?? You didn't know that Alpha Trion is their creator?! Well, now you do!
AND KNOWING IS HALF THE BATTLE!!
"Have one last cube on me and enjoy the rest of my game, squishies. I'm off to watch Transformers:Animated. Starscream says it's pretty suggestive and that I've already had an infamous line."
(Author notes that the Coward clone of Starscream is highly speculated to be Animated Skywarp. His 'infamous' line: "I think I just sprang an oil leak.")
Forgive me for this?
-Dreamchylde