CIM

(A/N) So I know the whole 'IM with the Cullens' has been done 42084753247 times. But, as this is my first attempt at a funny fanfiction, I figured I'd start with this, but with a few small twists. PS- This is my attempt at humor. I won't take offence if you don't find it funny. And before people go complaining, some things WILL be OOC. Not all of it, hence the first part sounding normal. Mostly it's just slight language that Steph's charries would never use. Maybe Edward's 'slip-up' at the end of this chapter... etc.

Oh, one more thing, after this chapter, it's going to be set up like the 'TTYL' book series. For those who have not read it, the TTYL series is written COMPLETELY in IM. They inquire about day's events and such through their IM conversations, to clear that up!

DISCLAIMER: I own nothing Twilight. Stephenie Meyer owns these wonderful characters I have so pathetically tried to control. Although, Emmett owns my soul. -melts-

KingMuscles Slips Up

BELLA POV

Edward and I sat in his silver Volvo, speeding towards the Cullen household. His hand, as usual, was clasping mine in my lap as he drove, a smile on his dazzling face.

My eyes flickered away, unwillingly, from his features, and out the right side window, where the sight of that vile Mike Newton caught my attention. He waved frantically, and even started chasing the car. I rolled my eyes, and Mike slowed, realizing that Edward was driving much too fast. Not like he could catch us at normal speed either...

My thought was interupted when I saw the morose look Edward had.

"Edward?" I said, softly, giving his hand a small squeeze of encouragement.

He sighed once before answering. "Carlisle, Esme, Alice and I are going hunting tomorrow. Since Alice and I have skipped the last two hunting trips the family has made, I'm afraid I can't stay here, and Carlisle and Esme are getting rather thirsty as well."

My deep chocolate brown eyes locked onto his hungry, black ones. "Edward. Don't feel bad. I know you have to go. I just wish I wouldn't have to be left with Emmett, Rose, and Jasper." I grimaced, thinking of pranks they would pull in Edward's absence.

"Where's Charlie headed off to?" He inquired, slightly cocking his head to one side.

"Fishing with Billy," I rolled my eyes. "Where else?"

Edward's expression lightened just a tad. He raised our intertwined hands, running his hand down the length of my jaw and back up, causing the skin in his path to overheat. Immeadiately, a flush came to my cheeks, and Edward couldn't hold back a chuckle at my reaction. I heard him mumble something that sounded suspiciously like 'silly, overreacting Bella', but we had just pulled up to the house.

As always, the beauty of their home stunned me, and only Edward unbuckling me from his car pulled me back into the present. I flushed deeper, forever glad he couldn't hear just how many times a day my mind wandered and I daydreamed.

As soon as I was on my feet and out of the car, Emmett came bursting through the front door, a shiny laptop in his hands, and a very flustered look on his face.

"BELLA! How in hell do you work this... this AIM?!" He said, thrusting the laptop into my arms. He crossed his arms over his chest, and Alice and Rosalie came out to greet us as well.

I walked around, sitting on the hood of the Volvo, and cracked my knuckles. "Let's see here, Emmett. First, what do you want your username to be?"

He broke out into a grin, and proclaimed, "KingMuscles". Apparently, he had already thought of a screenname for himself. Rolling my eyes, I typed it in, and closed my eyes to let him create his password.

His grin grew more pronounced as it signed him in, and "Welcome, King Muscles" came from the laptop speakers. "What do you want an AIM for, anyways Emmett?" I couldn't help but ask.

A serious look dawned his face. "Well. I've been bored around here lately," The next part he said in a dramatic whisper, "and lookin' for a new lady for the late nights." And winked at me twice.

Rosalie shot Emmett a look that could only be construed as murder, racing inside. Emmett burst into laughter, and then surprize came over us all as a small 'ding' came from the speaker, and the screen read 'BarbieDoesntEvenCompare joined the chat'.

A low chuckle escaped Edward's lips. "It looks like Rose already has one too!" He said, patting Emmett on the back. "Don't worry, from her thoughts, it would sound like you won't miss out on anything planned for tonight." He said, rolling his eyes and laughing again.

Emmett didn't answer though, and his eyes had a mischievous gleam to them. I tried to peek at what he was doing, but he moved the screen out of view. I pouted, jutting my bottom lip out and making my eyes the size of saucers, but he just cracked a smile and continued typing.

Finally, Alice clued us in, through a fit of laughter. "Hah... it would seem that... hahah... YOU now have an AIM too... hahah... Edward... or should I say EternallyUntaintedEddie..." and that's when Alice and Emmett both burst into hysterics and Edward took the laptop with a snarl, his screenname already signed in.

Another small 'ding' chimed, and a messaged flashed in the chatbox.

BarbieDoesntEvenCompare: lol i assume im chatting with you, edward? love the screenname... it fits you so well!

Edward practically had smoke coming from his ears at this point. With a flick of his fingers, he replied,

EternallyUntaintedEddie: Just because I don't beg Emmett to bang me every night, with a HOUSEHOLD OF VAMPIRES to hear, doesn't mean squat.

Alice flashed me a smile, and stole Edward's cell phone from his back pocket, and in his current state of anger, he didn't notice. Emmett was dying, already catching on to the plan. She shook with silent laughter, as I read over her shoulder that she was rigging his phone to IM through texts. She quickly sent one, knowing Edward would catch her after the first one.

EternallyUntaintedEddie: Im sorry rose. Im just jealous because I dont get any action. Please forgive me. I DO have a lot of tension built up... sexual tension that is!

I couldn't stand it, and I burst out laughing as Edward heard in Alice's thoughts what had happened, and snatched his phone back, ready to explode. Emmett was doubled over in laughter, and gave Alice a high five.

Two 'ding's, and another 2 messages appeared.

BarbieDoesntEvenCompare: of course i forgive u, dear brother. no one can help the fact your only remedy for getting turned on is a cold shower!

EmosHaveMoreFun joined the chat.

I raised an eyebrow at Alice, and she and Edward together said, "Jasper."

One more 'ding'. One more message appearing on the screen.

EmosHaveMoreFun: Aww come on guys. SexEddie is sending so much anger to me that i'm having troubles not hitting something. And it'd probably be one of you that i hit!

Apparently, Edward was fed up with this method of communication for the time being, and typed one more thing before handing the laptop to Emmett.

EternallyUntaintedEddie: Let's see how many of your deep dark secrets I keep to myself after THIS! I bet everyone would love Jasper's red lace thong he likes to try on because he thinks it makes his ass look 'pretty', Emmett's favorite song is "My Milkshakes", Alice asked Carlisle if breast implants were possible (which, sadly for her, ARE NOT!), and Rosalie has a picture of Bella just inside the back of her mirror to get her through the day. HAPPY EVERYONE?!

EternallyUntaintedEddie has signed out of the chat.

--

(A/N) PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell me if you liked the first chapter! That didn't have nearly the amount of comedy the rest will have, if it's any reassurance. This was mainly for you, my readers, to get a feel for it, and set up the stage for the next chapter. If I get 5 positive reviews, I'll post a second chapter tomorrow!

PS- Remember, all (well...most... there might be a time where I need to cut to the real life. Heh.) future chapters will be COMPLETELY written in IM. So this is the 'boring' chapter, so to speak.

PPS- I also would love suggestions/ideas/constructive critism! :D

xoxo,
Courtney