…or…
Annual Symposium of Ultimate Evil
One Shot
Author's notes: Happy New Year you guys! Another challenge fic and more Teen Titans humour… This time, it's set by CidGregor, but on the same forum as last time (Teen Titans Challenge Forum). Look out for all fifteen lines that I have to include (yes, 15). That's a lot of lines. At the risk of making everyone OOC, I present to you… Fifteen Lines… or… Annual Symposium of Ultimate Evil. (I hope all of you remember Mumbo)
Disclaimer: I don't own Teen Titans, nor do I own its theme song. Warning: Possibly bad jokes ahead.
"Prisoner number 257-494, you're clear to go for your bath."
The pair of guards led out Control Freak by his handcuffs, leading him to the bathrooms. They were surprised at his uncharacteristic quietness today. New Year resolution, they assumed. Many of the prisoners were immersed in deep conversations yesterday, but nothing big was planned as far as they were concerned. The countdown went without a hitch.
Most of the inmates were finishing their baths now. Steam billowed from within the bathing chamber, shrouding several of Jump City's most wanted as they paraded around in sterile white towels. The guards unlocked Control Freak's handcuffs, as he turned around to thank them. "And have yourself a happy new year," he added for good measure, before a cloaked figure knocked out the guards.
"Jolly good, Mumbo," Mad Mod congratulated with a smile, as the cloaked magician lowered his wand, as Control Freak shoved the two unconscious guards into a corner. Mumbo proceeded to wheel in a cart full of villain accessories, from Mad Mod's cane, to Control Freak's remote control, to Gizmo's backpack.
"Come get your gear, guys. The show's about to start," Mumbo announced; rubbing his hands together with glee, he waved his wand, converting the entire bathroom to an auditorium. He stepped onto the polished wood rostrum, tapping into the microphone to get everyone's attention. Behind him, the banner declared 'Annual Symposium of Ultimate Evil'.
Many of the villains were settling in their seats, all dressed in their usual outfits. His wristwatch told him it was time to start.
"Attention all villains and villainesses…"
Three loud raps on the door forced Mumbo to stop his opening speech. "You forgot about us, Mumbo." The door burst open, and the few villainesses stormed into the room: Jinx, Kitten, Blackfire and Mother Mae-Eye. Murmurs started in the crowd, as the girls found their seats. Of course, Mumbo thought. The girls were in separate bathrooms.
"Sorry about that interruption," Mumbo apologised, clearing his throat as the crowd settled down. "As I was saying, welcome to the Annual Symposium of Ultimate Evil, where we acknowledge the best… and the worst of villainy in the previous year. First off, I'd like to say thank you for voting me to be the Chairperson for tonight's event. We have with us many of the finest…"
"Wait, Chairperson!"
Mumbo barely glanced up from his script, to see Mad Mod waving his cane. Keeping his disdainful glare, he conjured up one of his Mumbo assistants. "I thought he wasn't invited," he muttered, covering the mic with his gloved hand. They could still remember Mod as Chairperson last year. Half of them couldn't get his jokes, and the rest weren't even literate. The assistant flipped through a pile of paper labelled 'Guest List', before Mumbo ripped it into shreds. "Get him down here."
A pair of Mumbo's assistants escorted Mad Mod up to the rostrum beside Mumbo. A psychiatrist's chair appeared on stage, and Mumbo beckoned for Mod to lie on it, pulling out a medallion as he sat down beside Mod. "Now, listen up lad… You're feeling sleepy… very sleepy," Mumbo said in a stage whisper, oscillating the medallion in front of Mod's eyes. It fluttered shut for a second, before Mod muttered inaudibly.
"You're just saying that to get me in bed. And it's not even bedtime yet…" The spell was working, as far as Mumbo knew. Mod didn't know what he was saying. Finally, he settled back into the plush cushion, snoring.
"Take him away," Mumbo snapped at his assistants. As they carried Mod out of the room, he returned back to his place on the rostrum. "Let's forget the opening speech, shall we, and move on to our first speaker of the day. He also happens to be voted as Vice-Chairperson, and will join me after his presentation on 'I Was Closest to World Domination' and 'Choosing an Apprentice', let's welcome Mister… Slade Wilson!"
Slade gathered enough applause, given his 'popularity' among the other inmates. He strode on stage, his imposing build towering over Mumbo's tiny body.
"That's right. I came closest to world domination. I chose the wrong apprentices. It's all about me, isn't it? Every elaborate plan… I tricked the Titans… coming so close, only to fail at the last minute… I always thought it wasn't about being the biggest guy out there, it's about here…" Slade paused, pointing to his head. "I've used some of the worst of your kind. I've used people who can't say a word…" he nodded towards Plasmus, Cinderblock and Overload. "I've seen people who can't put a simple Doomsday plan together…" A majority of the H.I.V.E students jeered at that comment. "Yet, it's these people that seem to scare the good guys. That is why my next plan to take over the world would be…"
Slade pulled out a Boy's Scouts uniform and a box of candy bars. "Once those Titans buy these poisoned bars, they'll be under my control!" Giving a tiny bow, he stepped off the rostrum. Mumbo burst out in uncontrolled laughter, as he went back in front of the mic stand.
"That's the most horrible, foolish, and IDIOTIC idea I've ever heard in my life… … IT'S PERFECT! Good job, Mr Slade," Mumbo said at last, gasping for breath as he clapped for the villain. "Now, I know it's a common topic at mealtimes. Which of you," his finger scanned across the seated villains, "is the smartest of all? Mr Slade, you qualified for that field, but unfortunately, after your latest plot… Never mind. Now, Professor Chang…"
The Professor, too eager to deliver his presentation, was halfway out of his seat when Mumbo continued, "A.S.O.U.E does not recognise any of your degrees, and so be glad I'm even calling you professor. Now, there isn't much more candidates left. You realise this means Gizmo is the smartest!"
"I want to cry, but there aren't enough tears," Slade muttered, as the short kid landed on stage with his rocket-propelled backpack. There was a moment's disturbance as they had to get a stool for him to reach the mic.
"I want to thank all you scuz-brains, especially Mammoth, for making me look good. Without him…"
"This isn't an award show, kid," Mumbo muttered into Gizmo's ear. With a snap of his fingers, two assistants 'escorted' him off-stage, while he tried to clamour for the mic once more. Regaining his composure, Mumbo took the mic once again, with Slade standing stiffly beside him. "Thank you, Gizmo, for your… speech… We do have an Awards section coming right up. We've only heard from accomplished villains before, but what about the failures? Yes, it's the award for… the worst villain of the year!"
The lights dimmed, and spotlights flashed over the audience. Drum rolls can be heard between Mumbo's words. "We have a three-way tie for the worst villain. Rated for having the least villainous attempts… Johnny Rancid, Dr Light and Control Freak!"
The trio of villains were none too happy to win this award, but upon seeing the golden trophy, all three were on stage, trying to claim it for themselves. Mumbo would try to restrain them, but he had no better way to divide the trophy anyway. For a second it seemed like Johnny Rancid had grabbed the award for himself. As though he needed to prove his worthiness, he proclaimed, "I suck."
"I suck more!"
"I am the suck MASTER!" All eyes turned on Control Freak, who had his fists in the air.
"Ah, nobody can deny that. Here you go…" Johnny Rancid handed over the trophy with a smirk. "Congratulations… suck master!"
It took several minutes to stop the laughter after that, including several wolf-whistles, but Mumbo finally got control of the situation. "Well, what can I say?" Mumbo added, just as the last of the whistles died down. "I guess nerds are sexy." This got the crowd laughing again, as Control Freak sulked back to his seat. "Now, we have the most well-built villain award… Katarou!"
The massive martial artist lumbered on stage, receiving the tiny medal with one finger alone. They could barely fit it over his head, and gave up after a while. "So, Katarou… What's your secret?"
"Dance Dance Revolution, of course. It tones the legs, and works all the major muscle groups. I never enter an arcade without playing it!"
"Wow, that was helpfully specific," Mumbo said, but he could swear that Katarou sounded different; his lips were hardly moving at all… Now they were curling up, a sure sign he was angry… A group of Mumbo assistants finally managed to get him off-stage, and the show went on. The best-dressed award went to Kitten, in her prom gown (it was rumoured her father bought the award for her), and worst-dressed, Adonis, in a new suit that can transform into a ship. "I'M SEAWORTHY!" he exclaimed, as they carried him off stage. Slade motioned for a Mumbo assistant to check his alcohol intake.
The most unlikely villain pairing went to Fang and Kitten (again). As the couple walked off stage, hand in hand, Mumbo muttered, "If those two ever get together, I will be convinced beyond all reasonable doubt that God hates me." He cleared his throat again, smiling to the audience, while the spotlights went wild again.
"Now, for the most prestigious award of the day… the Villain of the Year award. May I invite Mr Slade, our winner last year, to present this prize?" Slade nodded, as the assistants rolled in a massive bulk of metal shaped like the globe. Whoever won this award literally owns the world. "Our winner tonight also bags the awards for Best Newcomer and Most Dramatic Entrance award… He doesn't just kick all kinds of ass! He has to invent completely NEW kinds of ass just so he can kick them and take their names! I give you… Trigon!"
The flurry of applause started, as everyone expected the behemoth Trigon to swoop down and claim his prize. "Unfortunately, Mr Trigon cannot join us today, as he's been banished to unfathomable depths. We will, however, send him his prize with compliments from A.S.O.U.E."
It took a tremendous effort to roll the globe off the stage, but it was done, and Mumbo prepared his closing speech. "It's been a great evening with plenty of surprises for everyone, but it's time for the closing. Before I end, though, I'd like everyone to see the wand that made this possible." Mumbo drew out his wand, a short black stick with a single strip of white at its head. "Many have wondered what it's made of, and I'll tell you, it's not plastic."
"So what you're trying to say is… you've got wood?" Someone shouted from within the audience.
"It's not made of wood; it's made of pure magic! Another part of my success is the cloak. Now, I've got a few spares in my closet just in case this one suffers any mishaps. The funny thing is… these were white when I bought 'em. Goes to show just how much a villain's got to put in his work."
The entire auditorium went silent, stretching for a second… two seconds… "Alright, maybe humour is not the best thing right now. How about a performance, then? We're honoured to have with us, five talented teenagers, the H.I.V.E Five!"
More silence. There was no activity backstage… Mumbo nudged Slade to take the mic, while he scrambled backstage. The sight that greeted him made him wince. "What are you doing?"
Gizmo had a bra over his mouth like a facemask. Jinx quickly snatched it away from him. "That doesn't go there! Sorry, Mumbo, but we wanted to appeal to the kids, so… we wanted to do Hi 5, but we're short of a girl."
"Just my luck to lose that… Hey!" Gizmo glared at Jinx, "You made me lose, didn't you?"
"Just put it on… the right way," Jinx smirked, helping Gizmo with it. See-More stuffed it up with a bag of cotton wool, while Mammoth threw a dress over him.
"HOW CAN YOU STAND HAVING BREASTS!" Gizmo yelled at Jinx as the rest of them loaded up their equipment: Private H.I.V.E on drums, Mammoth and See-More on guitars while Gizmo and Jinx were on vocals.
"Alright, you're on in five… four… three…"
The stage curtain whipped open, the crowd cheered, Slade stood as stiff as ever…
When there's trouble, you know who's at fault…
H.I.V.E Five!
We've got See-More; he can see it all…
H.I.V.E Five!
There's Mammoth, big as a tank. Private H.I.V.E, the military man.
Coz' when the world needs villains on the go…
H.I.V.E Five… Go!
Jinx brings bad luck for them in a fight…
H.I.V.E Five!
Already met two heroes that she liked…
H.I.V.E Five!
We've got Gizmo, he's loads of fun. He's got a backpack; no need to run.
Coz' when the Titans back in control…
H.I.V.E Five… Go!
One, Two, Three, Four, H.I.V.E Five!
The drums provided an appropriate closing to the song, followed by a brief applause. Mumbo got back on stage, mic in hand. "Now everyone, the part we've all been waiting for… the food!"
Rows of buffet tables appeared onstage, inviting everyone to come down and have some food. Someone dragged Mad Mod out again, and Mumbo went as far as to spread fondue over his body. It wasn't so bad… until Killer Moth's little creations got to him. By the time they were done, Mad Mod was stark naked.
The highlight of the A.S.O.U.E had to be the mass breakout that followed. Mumbo waved his wand twice, once to clear up whatever was on stage, and the second time to blast out a hole in the jail wall. Snickering, he turned for one last look at Mod, before running off. The villain was starting to stir, covered in nothing but moth larvae spit.
"(Groan)...Why am I sticky and naked? Did I miss something fun?"
End notes: That was… wild. I couldn't do a Titans version; everything would be messed up. It's all in the name of humour though; I tried to match lines to those most likely to say it. I hope that brought at least a smile to some of your faces.
I just can't resist some of the references, my favourite possibly being the Hi 5 one… Of course, I stopped all of your torture by ending it quick…
It's painful to fit in a few lines, but some went in naturally. If it really wasn't funny, or really cracked you up, please tell me so that I can improve.