"I'm so tired of turning and running away when love just isn't safe…So I'm dropping that guard here's your chance at my heart" Safe
"Mud blood" The word played over and over in her head. She sank heavily to the floor outside an empty classroom. She pulled her hair out of its pony tail running her fingers through it desperately. She looked down at the cold stone floor as though it held all the answers for her.
Why couldn't she forget? Why did his ugly words keep playing over in her mind? Words that he'd promised to never say to her? Why did she think she was different to the others? It was Sev, her Sev, he didn't say things like that, not to her. Did she imagine the hate in his eyes, the malice in his tone? No. No it was there. He wasn't her Sev anymore, he had changed.
She raised a pale, freckled hand to her glistening green eyes, thoughts flickering madly; Severus telling her about Hogwarts, Severus holding her this summer as she cried after Petunia had said she didn't want Lily to be her sister anymore; he was her constant, her confidant. She remembered summers at the park dressed like muggles, acting like teens, doing potions homework together in the dark library and reading Severus' connotations and thoughts in his potions book. She began to reminisce about their years at Hogwarts, detention after pranking Potter and his friends, sneaking into the kitchens for hot cocoa and a chat, getting butterbeer in Hogsmede, dancing at Slughorn's Christmas party last year.
"Come on Sev" She'd pleaded grabbing his hand. "Dance with me"
Her auburn hair was out, twisting in elegant curls. She'd worn her green silk dress that night- knowing that green was his favourite colour. He'd worn black robes with gold trim, a compromise after her insistence that he wore something with colour.
It wasn't, by any means, a date, but they'd gone together as friends. She'd been asking him the whole night to dance; she could have asked someone else, god knew that almost all the boys there would go weak at the knees if asked to dance by the beautiful Lily Evans.
He'd shaken his head at her antics every time she'd asked, "I can't dance Lils" he'd laugh.
She'd kissed his cheek gently "Please" she'd whispered softly "Just one song" she'd implored breaking him down.
He'd sighed at that, he could never really deny her of anything.
Smiling, she'd lead him out on the dance floor, his dress robes swirling prettily behind him.
Their classmates had ogled at them, good girl Gryffindor Lily Evans, with slimy, Slytherin Severus Snape? Indeed, they had been the gossip of the night. Boys jealously talked about how Snape must have cursed her, forced her into it, but Lily and Severus didn't care.
They'd danced happily, for a lot longer than one song, completely impervious to the rumours. For once they were not worrying about what people would say, not caring about Black and Potter and the overreactions of the so called 'Marauders'; there was no niggling care about what would be waiting for them when they got home and no stress about the beginning of a war that Severus had heard tell of in the common room.
She'd leant into him after hours of dancing, feeling safe in his muscular arms. "You're my best friend Sev" she told him. He'd said the same back and she'd believed him. After those few words, they'd fallen back into silence, a comfortable silence as they'd listened to last few strains of song.
Lily was brought out of her flashback by a cough. It was obviously masculine, fake and slightly nervous. She swallowed, willing the tears to stop flowing, she put on a bright smile assuming it was just a first year or a prefect who was wondering why she had collapsed and broke down in the middle of a hallway, outside an empty classroom. She half hoped it was Severus, even if he was just there to yell at her again. It was Potter. He looked different.
His hair was still annoyingly messy and rumpled, and she was utterly surprised to see him alone, usually he was flanked by his equally obnoxious group of friends. Sirius 'sexy' Black, who she loathed simply for his lewd sense of humour and the way he used girls, Peter, who was just pathetic, stupid and unable to think without James or Sirius telling him how, and Lupin, who was really okay, except for the fact he let his friends do whatever they pleased.
"What" She snapped angrily; he was a HUGE part of the reason Severus had said that ugly, unforgivable word to her. He ran a hand unconsciously through his hair looking sheepish, "Evans, I just wanted to say I'm really, really sorry about what happened, you know, before, with Snivel.., sorry Snape."
She looked up with wide eyes, surprised. Potter never apologised. She didn't say anything. "He shouldn't have said that to you" he murmured quietly, more to himself than her. Again she didn't answer, but her eyes filled with tears as she began to think about Sev again. James sank down to his knees, facing her, seeing her sobbing he put a comforting arm around her.
Normally, she would have yelled at him for touching her, shrugged him off and left, but it felt nice, it felt, safe. Slowly, she found her voice.
"I knew him growing up. He lived down the road. He was the one who told me about magic" she enunciated clearly, but softly. James glanced at her, wondering about where she'd grown up, but didn't respond, it was obvious to her that he wanted her to continue with her story.
"He was the only one who knew everything about my life, you know? I couldn't talk to anyone else, my sister; she hates magic, and my parents don't really understand. It's a novelty to them. And it was the same with him; I was the only one he could talk to. He used to tell me things that would have me up at night thinking, his father…I don't know. I helped shape who he is and I don't like what his turned into. What am I supposed to do? " she pressed on not waiting for a reply. She didn't know what she was doing; his was James Potter, the boy who constantly asked her out, the boy who tortured her best friend, this was the boy her best friend cried about when he thought no one was around but her. She mentally corrected herself; Severus wasn't her friend anymore, he'd chosen his way and she'd didn't want to be part of it.
"Then we came to Hogwarts and things changed. He was Slytherin, I was Gryffindor, we were supposed to hate each other on principle, but we didn't. You didn't really help much either" James met her eyes guiltily. He really hadn't known or understood.
"We were friends, best friends, but things have changed. I don't like what he wants to be, and he, he, well, doesn't like my blood. You heard what he called me" She broke off, unable to form coherent words anymore.
James put both arms around her and hugged her tightly. "I'm sorry, I'm so, so, sorry. I didn't know" He murmured into her hair. Lily knew that his apology went deeper than that. He was apologising for acting like a git for the last 5 years, he was apologising for his earlier behaviour, he was apologising for Snape's words, he was apologising for Petunia, and he was trying to make it better, to take away the pain.
For the next hour, Lily allowed herself to see James Potter. She refused to let prior knowledge of him cloud her judgement, refused to let Snapes words drift into her mind. She saw a boy vainly pretending to be a man. She saw the boy who sat with his mother when his father was on an Auror mission and told her it would be alright, even though he didn't know that for sure.
He told her about Sirius and how he fought with his parents all the time, he told her he was worried that they abused him. He told her how he wanted to change the world, how he was going to be an Auror when he grew up. She saw the boy who had insisted that he loved her for years. She saw a boy who hadn't yet given up on her despite her never giving him time of the day. She saw a boy who didn't want to grow up, in some respects, but who was already a grown up in so many other ways. She saw a boy trying to make amends and right his wrongs. She saw someone that made her feel safe.
He wasn't like Severus, pessimistic with a sarcastic streak. He didn't hide his feelings like Severus did. He didn't make her feel small like Severus sometimes did. He didn't make her feel ashamed of who she was like Severus did when he was with his other friends.
He was simply a Gryffindor, through and through, he wore his heart on sleeve and wasn't afraid to let it get broken. He was not like Severus. Severus was a Slytherin, sly and cunning, a little bit dangerous and a little bit dead inside. Been with Severus was like been lost in a maze; there were twists and corners, and unexpected dead ends, it was a thrill, but there was always a darkness, always a dangerous edge. Been with James was like been near fire, warm and comfortable, but liable to burn you. There was a danger but it was less scary, more straightforward.
During that hour he gave her hope. He made her laugh, he made her smile. When she stood up finally, she did so with tears of laughter, rather than tears of sadness. After years of looking, and seeing an illusion, she finally saw James Potter; the boy who made her safe.