The Fishtrix Has You!

Chapter One: In which our hero recieves a rude awakening...

Disclaimer: Gueeeeeeessssssssss what? I DON'T OWN THE MATRIX. OR NEO. OR MORPHEUS. OR TRINITY. OR ANY OTHERCOPYRIGHT MATRIX STUFF. AND YOU PROBABLY DON'T EITHER. D BUT I OWN THIS STORY, BECAUSE IT WAS MY IDEA. WAKE UP, FISH…

Dedication: …various people. My friends, my family. Blah blah.

P.S: Don't get angry because this fanfiction has a lot of speech and not much description. It's not me being lazy- it's my style of writing. I don't care if you like or not- THIS IS FOR THE COMEDY, PEOPLE. And yes..I'm a total attention whore. xD The character shares my nickname, but not my name.

Now kids, read, review, and NEVER PLAY WITH MATCHES. Flames will be put out and you will be eaten. Happy reading!

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WAKE UP, FISH...

Slouched across her desk at half past two in the morning with empty coke cans and half-eaten biscuits littering the room was not an attractive start to the day. Least of all the day that would change your life. But for a thirteen-year-old teenager with the attention span of a particularly hyperactive gnat, every day was life changing, from finding a dog biscuit down the back of the sofa bed (when you didn't own a dog) to realizing your life was pointless (and yes, you did look like a prat with eyeliner on).

The teen now gently snoring and dreaming of a new White Stripes CD was christened Hina, meaning Goddess of Fish, but when turned eleven, her friends wanted to make it sound funnier and so she was thereafter known as 'Fish'.

WHAT A CRAP ALIAS.

The computer tried again, though it was competing with headphones playing Somebody Told Me by The Killers.

HELLOOOOO?

Nothing.

YOUR HOUSE IS ON FIRE!

Looked like it was time for drastic action.

"WELL SOMEBODY TOLD ME, THAT YOU HAD A GIRLFRIEND…"

Good, that seemed to work. The music that pulsed from the CD player was suddenly a lot louder than before. Oh. It didn't work. The teen snorted in her sleep and rolled over. She didn't seemed to notice that the music was probably audible from her cousin's house in Australia right now.

"…."

If the computer had eyes, or anything else that made it remotely capable of expressing emotion in anything other than words, it would probably have looked or sounded slightly bothered by now. The music faded away and the album stopped completely. Without warning, the face bearing several crunched up Digestive crumbs jerked up and gasped, removing the headphones. She stared blankly at the screen and then raised an eyebrow. Looking around to check it hadn't been tampered with by one of her pesky siblings, she scrolled up and read the rest of the page. As she did so, more words formed.

THE MATRIX HAS YOU.

Never mind that, where's the fire?

THERE IS NO FIRE.

Who do you think you are, the Spoon Kid out of the Matrix?

NO, THAT LUCKY WAZZOCK CLOCKS OFF AT HALF FIVE.

Oh.

…WHERE WAS I?

The Matrix has you.

Contraire! It has you!

Whatever.

Bored of this conversation, which was taking an alarming liking to that of sort, 'Fish' yawned and made for the power button.

DON'T DO THAT! YOU'RE MY ONLY FRIEND!

I'm not sure that's true. You seem like a nice…hard drive? I'm sure you have lots of…e-pals.

REALLY?

No, I'm lying. You're a hunk of junk with the personality of a dustbin, if that's not an insult to dustbins.

…THE MATRIX HAS YOU.

Knowing better than to answer, Fish merely looked at the screen apprehensively.

…YUP, STILL HAS YOU.

How about now?

STILL HAS YOU.

Now?

YUP.

Now?

YUP.

Now?

YUP.

Now?

YUP.

I see. And how might The Matrix let go of me? I'm becoming rather uncomfortable, being 'had'.

HOW OLD ARE YOU?

Wassit to you?

ARE YOU OLD ENOUGH TO GO TO A BAR?

I am now. I can wear stilettos, you know.

I NEVER HAD THIS MUCH TROUBLE WITH THE OTHERS.

Really? That film scared me.

WHY DID I GET THIS JOB?

Do you want to talk about it?

YES.

In that case, I suggest you go and see a shrink. The rates are very good for computers, so I've heard. Reprogramming is excellent this time of year!

GET ME MY…

Agent?

NO, I CAN'T AFFORD AN AGENT.

Oh, I can give you the number for mine. He works for the union- great fee as well. His name is Smith.

…Are you there?

…Hello?

Seconds later, there was the sound of tyres screeching in the street below Hannah's attic bedroom. Footsteps smacked against the street dry from weeks of rare good weather and there was a knock on the front door. Moments later it was apparent no one could be either bothered to answer it, so Fish journeyed down two flights of stairs and undid the sixteen locks. There was a tall man stood on the porch with black sunglasses on.

"God, you're fat." Fish couldn't help herself remarking.

"It's glandular." Was the hasty reply.

"I thought you were big boned." Another voice commented, as two more wandered down the garden path lit by the streetlamps and towards the front door.

"If you're selling cookies for the Girl Guides, we've already got some."

"No, I'm here to-"

"And if you're a Jehovah's Witness, I don't speak English."

"No, I'm here because-"

"And we don't want double glazing or triple glazing or glazing, for that matter."

"YOU ARE THE THREE!"

Stopping her babbling, Fish looked up at the trio open-mouthed. After a moment of silence, she spoke.

"I know, but we've already got a Freeview box, thank you."

Whilst the two in shadow of the main speaker sniggered, he groaned and smacked a hand to his forehead.

"Switch the light on."

Fish shrugged and did so, but asked a question as she made for the switch.

"You're not a burglar, are you?"

"What type of burglar knocks on the front door and has a conversation with a kid?"

"I thought you might be asking for directions to the window. The best one to use is probably the back one."

"I'll bare that in mind."

She turned around as the hall filled with light and the three figures stepped into the warmth of the entrance hall- two males, and one female, all dressed in black leather and all wearing sunglasses.

"Oh, I don't want to join a vampire cult, thanks. You might as well go this very moment."

"I'm not a vampire, but Trinity and Neo might be."

Maybe the names would trigger something, and they did; riotous laughter.

"Who do you think you are; characters from the Matrix?"

There was no response; just Fish's laughter, which kind of died as soon as she realized that they weren't joking.

"Okay- I get it, you're mental patients trying to sell your artwork, right?" she guessed. "I'll take all of it if you'll leave right now."

"We're not mental patients- I'm Morpheus, and those two are Trinity and Neo." The "glandular" man gestured to his companions- the man and then the woman.

Fish sighed- she might as well go along with it for now then- television was showing Friends and The OC re-runs all night and she kept getting angry emails from people she'd somehow displeased by hacking into their computers at all hours of the day and night.

"Okay, nice to meet you Trinity." She grabbed the hand of the second male and shook it hard, then turned to the female. "And you too, Neo."

"Uh..no." Morpheus corrected her. "The guy is Neo and the girl is Trinity."

"I'm not a girl! I'm a woman!" protested Trinity.

"BRITNEY SPEARS!" Fish chorused.

"AM NOT!" Trinity replied.

"AM TOO!" Fish retorted.

Neo blatantly ignored the whole situation. He was having a game of mind basketball with the black cat that had snaked into the room. The black cat was winning.

"ENOUGH!" Morpheus roared, causing Neo to loose concentration and let the cat score again.

"Dammit Morpheus!" he cried. "Don't shout so loud!"

"Now, like I was saying, you're the three." He pointed at Fish.

"The three?" she felt insulted at this rank. "What happened to the One and Two?"

"Well- I'm the One-" Neo began, but Trinity cut him off mid-sentance.

"We know, dear, you tell us every day. We've all seen the movie."

Neo pulled a face and whined; "But it makes me feel big…"

"And the Two?" Fish asked, still sceptical of these…nut-jobs?

The three adults exchanged looks behind their glasses and there was an uneasy silence.

"About that…" Neo said.

"We sort of…" Morpheus added.

"Sold it…" Trinity continued.

"On E-Bay…" Neo finished the statement.

Fish raised an eyebrow.

"Oh yeah? And who bought it- Richard Branson?"

Once again, there was an awkward stillness.

"YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT RICHARD BRANSON IS THE TWO?" Fish bellowed, breaking the silence.

"We needed the money to pay for satellite on the ship.." Neo shrugged.

"You know how hard it is to pick up ABC in Zion?" Morpheus added. "Just because we've freed our minds it doesn't mean it's not Wednesday yet."

"I thought that was the point…" Fish asked the group.

The three pondered on this, and finally, Morpheus said:

"Dammit, she's got us there."

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Hope you liked this first chapter- I'll add another soon.