THE ADVENTURES OF JACON:
ONLY EPISODE:
JACON BUYS BACON
(Thanks to Reaver938's review on Chapter 45, this idea was born. Hope you enjoy. xD)
(Warning: Contains High Amounts of Bacon, A S***ton of Swearing, alot of Khelish profanities, retarded robots, nudity, sexual references, titties, the prize, Commander Shepard's favourite stores, Garrus' rectum and alot of stuff five year old children should probably not see. If you think this is To Survive II, you must be completely retarded. And for some reason, I feel like saying this in a David Attenborough's annoying voice. And every time I do, I feel like killing some monkeys. Enjoy the sexual references and alot of ridiculous laughing)
(Further Warning: If you pass out or choke from laughing, I will not be held responsible for your death)
"THIS PRESS RELEASE OOZES BULLSHIT!" Shepard shouted at the obscene woman in front of him. Khalisah looked positively shocked...not to mention ugly as fuck. Jacob looked anything but perplexed. "Press release? Bullshit? No matter...this looks like a job for...JACCCCOONNNNNN!" Shepard turned towards the Cerberus operative, the man ripping out a piece of bacon and stuffing it into his oval mouth. The chewing noises were unbareably disgusting, but the prrrrriiiiiizzzzeeeeee...
"HERE'S WHAT I THINK OF YOUR MOTHERFUCKING PRESS RELEASE!" Jacon then raised his pistol and pulled the trigger, the gunshot striking Khalisah in the chest, killing her instantly. And so...only two fucks were given that day. Tali seemed to look at the dead reporter, smiling behind her mask, "That's a little extreme, huh Jacon?" Jacon looked at the quarian, eyes bleeding with fury, "YOUR NO FATHER THAT I USED TO KNOW!" Tali eyed Jacon with a raised brow before Shepard motioned for them to follow him.
"Come on...we've got a mission to do." Jacon laughed hiesterically, "I'M GOING TO FUCK HARBINGER RIGHT UP HIS ASSSSSSSSS. RISKY, BUT THE PPRRRRRIIIIZZZZEEEEEE." Shepard looked down at Jacon, a horrified look in his eyes. Tali did so as well, "But the mission! You could get sick! Jeopardize the mission!" Jacon looked at Tali with a smile, "I NEED TO FEEL HIS SKIN AGAINST MINE..." Tali wanted to vomit, but she decided to hold off. Shepard looked back and saw it...Saronis Applications...his...beloved store!
"I'm Commander Shepard and this is my favourite store on the Citadel. But only the Citadel, don't you fucking forget that, Salarian slut." Shepard shouted as he ran towards the store, but Bailey seemed to seemingly stop him, "SHEPARD! This isn't something you should be doing in front of strangers, come on I'll take you to the Presidium." Jacon turned his eyes to Bailey and ran right up to him, "Goooood evening. Commissioneerrrrr." Bailey looked at him with a raised brow, "I feel like a glorified weed of the galaxy...if that was a bumper sticker I'd stick right on my chest. So why don't I press this button, and we call it done?" Shepard nodded just as Bailey walked off and he activated his tactical cloak, running into Saronis Applications.
Tali looked to see where he'd gone but simply cursed, "BOSH'TIT! HE SAID HE'D COME BACK TO ME!" Jacon simply ran into the dark star lounge, yelling, "TIME TO FIND SOME WHORES!" Tali looked at Jacon, before looking back at Saronis Applications. "Little..." Councilor Sparatus' voice suddenly raised over the comms, "We have dismissed...once again...another claim! To celebrate 2,000 years of dismissing claims we offer all the major characters from Mass Effect 2 to join in the Dark Star Lounge! Orgy anyone? MUHAHAHAHA"
Tali threw her arms in the air and ran into the Dark Star Lounge like a moron. The door slides open to reveal Jacon buying the shit out of the bartender, throwing credits onto the counter faster than the turian can collect. Tali simply pulled out nutrient paste and slammed it into her vocalizer, opening it as she did. When she was finished, she heard Grunt' voice booming into the room, "FEEL MY BLOOD RAGE! I. AM. KROGAN!" Tali turned to Grunt as he raced in, bellowing out. It was curious to find Miranda on his back, her outfit slightly unzipped. Miranda woke up and looked Tali straight in the eyes, her look curious. "What? I'm a slut, I'll fuck anyone. Even a krogan." Tali vomitted through her mask as Miranda slapped Grunt's buttcheek, urging him on.
Samantha quickly stepped into the room, smiling her ass off. Tali frowned, "Hey! You don't appear until Mass Effect 3!" Tali shouted at the not yet yeoman, who turned to her and smiled, smugly, "Fuck that shit! I left when I got up to Priority: Tuchanka, shit got to boring and Shepard was too busy grabbin shit from planets." Tali shrugged and welcomed Samantha in. Samantha rushed to Jacon's side and began exchanging handshakes. Oh thank god, guys, seriously. I feel sorry for Tali, why do I drop her in the...ARGH!
At that next moment James ran in, "Where's loco?"
ArchReaperN7 seemed to mysteriously jump into the story and kick James in the balls before shouting something like "Fuck off you boring piece of shit!" before disappearing again in what we can only call 'SPACE MAGGGGIIIICCCCCC'. James just fell to the ground shouting Mexican profanities as Cortez barreled over him, "Where's Shepard?" Tali turned to Cortez, raising an eyebrow, "Saronis Applications. Why?" Cortez grew a huge smile, "I LOVE HIM!" It was at this point that a man named Sarann Francis would walk up to Cortez and punch him in the face before shouting, "That's just disgusting. Like a rodeo. I need some ice cream...in my mouth. If you know what I mean." Sarann gave a wink before running out, shouting 'ICE CREAM!' all over the place, but leaving Tali mentally scarred.
It was now that Mordin walked in, followed by Shepard. "Ah Shepard, fascinating news. Found interesting fanfictions...one called Seduction Theory...another called Tali's Terribly Kinky...also recommend 'Tali and Legion Love' interesting read. Another good way to release stress is to imagine Harbinger wanking off to Prothean porn, very..."
Meanwhile, at a computer in Emerald, Australia, a very distressed look Josiah'Lee vas Emerald, aka 'ArchReaperN7' reads over his fucked up fanfic. "Why the fuck am I writing this shit. 'Prothean porn?' Seriously? I'm fucked up, no, gamer poop did this to me! Now to put a little joe into this fanfic..."
Shepard suddenly turned around upon ArchReaperN7's powerfully descriptive writing, shouting words only he could think of, "FANFICTIONS ARE TERRIBLE!" Mordin looked dumbfounded but simply let Shepard past as Samara took her que, "By the Justicar's code I am sworn to read such gruesome fanfictions...I shall do my research, Mordin, thank you. May you find peace in the embrace of my cleavage." Samara then nodded and walked off to sit with her equally slutty asari friends.
Then Garrus took his que, followed by a very familiar and hated form...
"I am Garrus Vakarian and this is my rectum..." Every one moaned, "I was joking. Damn whores. No, I brought Ashley Williams, such a sexy beast..." Ashley walked into the room, "Hope you can forgive me for what happened on Horizon, Commander...cause I am ready to..."
"JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCC CCCCCCCCCCOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNN N!"
Jacon simply leapt out of his chair, front kicking Ashley outside and into the approaching form of Sparatus. He caught her with amazing grace before throwing her over the edge. He then burst in, beaming with bliss. Tali raised a brow, "Your smiling when Ashley just got thrown into you?" Sparatus grunted, "Ah yes, 'Ashley', a speeding ball of slutiness and supposedly waiting on Horizon, eh, I have dismissed this claim." They all rolled their eyes as Spartus began dancing on the dance floor.
"Well, Sparatus, I kinda spelt your name wrong" said ArchReaper as he appeared next to him. Sarann quickly followed, "Don't worry, I shall make a note of this in my review and chastise you for it. Oh, and about that stunt with Tali being a biotic. That was a pretty terrible plot twist, I have to say..." ArchReaper nodded, "Yeah, but I guess...I could piss you off by...by...um...uh...I don't know...how about...uh...that's it! I'll put in more spelling mistakes for you to complain about!"
"Sounds good to me!" They shook hands before running off and dancing on the dance floor like total morons. Sparatus danced with them, which creeped Sarann out while ArchReaper laughed, "I CONTROL THIS STORY!"
"NO...I DO!"
Everyone stopped and turned towards the door in horror.
ArchReaper gulped before ripping out a credit chit, "NO! NOT YOU! ANYTHING BUT YOU!" Everyone looked at the faceless man, his face seemingly replaced by a very familiar logo. EA. Another figure, his face replaced by 'Bioware' looked up at EA, "Can we try and improve the Tali romance? Like can we use Liz Sroka's face?" EA slapped him, "NO! We shall use a stockphoto! I WANT MY FUCKING MONEY AND YOU ARE MY BITCH!" Shepard looked at EA pissed, "Tali? Stockphoto? FUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKK NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Before he could react, EA's head exploded, his body falling to the ground. Legion arrived in the room, sniper rifle in hand as it reloaded. "Shepard-Commander, we offer assistance." Tali looked at Legion like a new found hero, her eyes gleaming.
She leapt on and hugged Legion, "THANK YOU LEGION! YOU SAVED ME FROM A HORRIBLE FATE! HOW COULD I EVER REPAY YOU?" Sarann frowned, "Seriously, Reaper? That's the best shit you could come up with? That's so cliche!" ArchReaper simply shrugged, "Beats a Legion and Tali romance..."
Legion looked at ArchReaper, "An excellent idea. We have built consensus that we shall create a porn fanfiction of me and Tali engaging in sexual practises. I have a robotic dick waiting." Tali hugged him tighter "I'd like that. Its getting hot in here." Sarann vomitted on the dancefloor and fell unconscious. ArchReaper simply dragged him into the toilets before coming back out. Shepard seemed to snatch Tali back from Legion, "She's mine! Get your own fuck toy!"
Legion seemed to cry almost, "We have built consensus. We shall attempt sexually transmitted diplomatic measures with Admiral Daro'Xen and create a race of Xenmancers." ArchReaperN7 vomitted and fell unconscious but not before shouting, "CONNNNOOOORRRRRRR!"
"We do not understand, this platform is trying to understand organic behaviour. Sexual intercourse is among them. We shall attempt to contact Xen, Shepard-Commander." Bioware watched as Legion left before turning to Shepard, "Commander, I have a promise to fullfill to you." Bioware sits next to Shepard taking off his bioware sign revealing him to be...Casey Hudson.
"I shall promise you 16 different endings with vastly different consequences! And all war assets will mean something! Even all your choices in the series have an impact on this as a whole!" Shepard seemed impressed, "Do I get to build Tali a house on Rannoch?" Casey nodded, "That, and so much more. You even get a proper romance scene where her face is revealed to you..."
At that moment, a single turian, a reaper turian named Marauder Shields ran in, looking straight at them, "Don't believe him! He's lying! You've been fooled all of you! Casey is the one behind this attack! There are only 3 endings with no difference! And all the war assets mean nothing but numbers! None of the choices you made in the series mean anything! Tali is left with Joker! You don't get to build her a house! And the romance scene is one of the worst in the franchise! You don't even see her face! And that face is a stockphoto!" Everyone gasps.
Shepard looks at Casey, "Is this true?" Casey looked at Shepard worriedly, "Yessssss...we give you a red, blue and green ending. Come on! Pretty colors! Its just like my little pony! I did it for artistic integrity!" Shepard smiled, "Here is what I think of your artistic integrity!"
Without much thought, Shepard grabbed the script and shoved it towards Casey's ass.
"NOOOOOOOOOO-"
TECHNICAL DIFFICULITIES
BUILDING CONSENSUS
FUCK CONSENSUS. APPARENTLY BRIAN IS IGNORING OUR CALL FOR CONSENSUS. PROBABLY FUCKING HIS WIFE.
WE SHALL LEAVE YOU WITH THIS RETARDED SNIPPET OF FANFICTION.
BUT YET AGAIN, WHAT ISN'T RETARDED ABOUT THIS FANFICTION.
wait ... I have it, I was at afterlife when Aria strangely commanded a stampeded of horny rhinos with skin cancer to charge through the dance floor. I was so drunk on orange juice that I had no idea what was going on. One of the rhinos stampeded straight at me penis first, I get a cock full of it, then as the rhino retracted it's dick, I fell over in disgust, but then smoked some weed to try and forget about it the rhino see this, shoves it's cock in my mouth again, I pull it out so then I vomitted on the dancefloor and fell unconscious.
TWO HOURS AFTER CASEY'S SHOCKING...REVELATION...
"I'm Commander Shepard, and I have my money back. Now, lets go write 'MASS EFFECT 3! HOW IT COULD HAVE HAPPENED!"
"Its not a plan, but its a perfect plan." Garrus stated.
"Go Chiktikka, fuck 'em girl!" Tali ordered.
"Building Consensus. Fuck the consensus, brian is still fucking his wife. We will come, Shepard-Commander."
"I'm coming too." Joker stated.
"I'm a sleezy whore, might as well." Miranda stated with a wry smile.
"And I'm emotionally unstable, why the fuck not!" Sarann stated as well.
"Fuck yes!" Jack stated.
"JAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCOONNNNNNN!"
Shepard smiled smugly.
"We shall call this..."
JACON AND FRIENDS!
(Warning: I lied about sexual references. Any of those who expecting to get extremely horny and jerk off a first person shooter at this was gravely mistaken. Put that away)
Okay, serious mode. (In this?)
Your probably wondering 'What the fuck did I just read'. I could say 'what the fuck did I just write.' I hope you found this funny and if I can be bothered, I will make it into a chaptered fanfiction. At least you get a snippet at my sense of comedy.
JAAACCCCOONNNNN. If you're wondering what that was about, it was inspired by Reaver938's review on Chapter 45 of To Survive II: Aftermath. Go and read it.
I needed a break, this was the break. I hope you enjoyed this fanfic, more on the way (hopefully and if my humor keeps up :)
INSPIRED BY: DIVIDING MDH (AKA REAVER938)
WRITTEN BY: ARCHREAPERN7 (AKA {READ THE AUTHOR'S NAME IDIOT})
SPONSORED BY: YOUR LOCAL NEIGHBOURHOOD ASSHOLES, ELECTRONIC ARTS.
FUNDED BY: MY FAITHFUL AUDIENCE OF FACELESS MEN AND WOMEN.
I AM CURRENTLY WEARING MY QUARIAN HELMET, MANMADE BY ME AND MY DAD. THIS PUTS A NEW PERSPECTIVE ON THINGS.
TALI SAYS TEQUILA SE'LAI!