Call me innocent, call me naïve, but I've always believed in the best of people. Like, they may not be the best people around, but there are good sides to them. It's just… maybe life has made them more wary. Maybe they feel they feel they need to protect themselves from other people. But everyone has a good side.
Call me a stereotypical bright-eyed girl from the Midwest. I wanted to be on Broadway because I love theatre. Even better if I could get to be part of a musical. The singing, the dancing, the acting… Sometimes it's so much easier to throw yourself into the mind of someone else. Live her life, live her troubles, because you know how it ends. Unlike real life. Real life is never certain. Just when you think you're sure of something, it disintegrates right in front of you. Or it explodes in your face.
What I love most about performing is the applause that comes afterwards. If it comes. See, the audience doesn't have to lie. If they hated it, they can just not clap. And you can always tell if their applause is fake, or just done in politeness. But when it comes! The satisfaction in seeing the part you played in making them feel, in making them believe in the world the show created. That no matter how big or small your part was, your work was appreciated.
In real life, no one applauds. You never know when you're really appreciated. At least, I don't. If I did my life wouldn't be in such a mess now, would it? My inability to read minds is why I'd rather believe in the best of people.
How do you survive otherwise?
How do you live, being cynical of everything?
My mantra of believing in the best of people comes with its pitfalls, though.
It's why I went to Derek's apartment at 10pm that time, and got caught off guard.
It's why I tried to be friends with Ivy.
It's why I agreed to not tell Tom and Julia about the "new song" after the workshop.
It's why I didn't wish death on Rebecca even though I was the understudy.
It's why I've always trusted Dev without question, regardless of all my suspicions about RJ and her intentions.
Dev. RJ. "And I came this close to sleeping with her but I stopped myself because in that moment, I knew I only wanted to be with you." How was that supposed to be comforting in any way? If he had actually loved me, it would never have gotten anywhere close to sleeping together!
Dev. Ivy. This was so much worse. And to think I was stupid enough to forgive him for his almost-thing with RJ. And agree to marry him! He left my ring in her room!
I guess the ring never meant much to him.
Well, it won't mean anything to me now, either. It won't.
I shut my eyes for a second, exhaling slowly, steeling myself, before following Derek out on stage. That's when I see her. All smiles, in the red Marilyn dress.
She must think the part is hers now.
All of a sudden, anger boils in the pit of my stomach, and I can just barely withhold my disdain from coming out in words. In that second, a conversation from another time and place plays in my head.
"You need to have a thicker skin, Iowa!"
Purposefully ignoring Ivy and her disappointment (at my lack of emotional breakdown!), I speak to Eileen, Tom, and Julia, "Sorry. I was a little upset about something."
Even I'm surprised by how normal I sound.
I see her face fall as I take a couple more steps forward, standing beside Derek. I feel a little sympathy as she walks off into the wings. But I shake it off, as Derek commences work.
Thicker skin, you say?
Call me anything you want, but don't say I'm not cut out for this business.