DAY ONE
"Well, Andrea, I trust your day was better than mine. I had to endure a litany of incompetence even you weren't capable of. That new acting second assistant filling in while you're away is so woeful I will likely fire her before we finish speaking. She tripped spectacularly in the Runway foyer and rained coffee upon the one-of-a-kind Valentino we had flown in from Europe for the shoot.
"Yes, I know what you're thinking and I have instructed the cleaners more than once not to overpolish the floor, but really, Andrea, she was only in 5in heels. If she can't handle those how can I expect her to handle anything else? Is this too much to ask? I think not.
"And before you ask, yes the ungainly creature survived. The Valentino did not.
"Which reminds me – next week I want you back at your desk because we have to go over my new schedule. No excuses, and I am quite serious. Vacation time, or whatever this is, is over, I don't care how much relaxation or otherwise you're having away from us.
"Now Nigel wishes to catch up with you, and I have that meeting with Patrick so I will update you later. Do not tell Nigel about the ruined gown. I shall inform him myself after I've administered an elephant-sized dose of sedation. That's all."
DAY TWO
"Andrea, is there a reason I have a 20lb sponge cake sitting on my desk bearing the words 'Happy 60th Miranda'? I am well aware of how old I actually am, as is that cretin, Irving, who sent it. Were you informed in advance? I know you assistants all have their network amongst themselves, even if they are sworn to secrecy. Was this 'joke' to age me by a decade doing the rounds and you said nothing? Really Andrea.
"Alright, you can stop your pouting. I concede it's unlikely you were let in on the scheme. I'm just … irritated. And where were you? Not intercepting this noxious gift at the door. Oh no, I had to face it – and Irv – alone and stare at his Cheshire grin while trying to work out how not to smear it all over him. It would have been entirely accidental of course.
"Aren't assistants supposed to assist? You are being negligent. I have half a mind to fire you in absentia for dereliction of duty. Well? Nothing to say about that?
"I know you're off, goodness knows where, but do you think you could at least deign to acknowledge my existence? I may be your boss but this is not too much to ask. Have I ever set you a task you could not accomplish? No.
"Andrea, really, this … willful insolence on your part is most disappointing. And besides I find that in your absence that Emily is totally incompetent – both of them."
DAY THREE
"Emily wishes me to tell you, and I quote, 'Get your fat ass back to work and I'll let you eat carbs in front of me. Oh bollocks I may even eat them with you.' Well now – you never could ignore an order from her could you? Especially a demand so politely worded. Did you like the accent? Not many people are aware of this, but I am originally from London. I can turn it on like a tap. But only while there are no witnesses.
"Speaking of Emily she instructed me to leave this … creation … for you on the off-chance you return. Apparently this is called a cronut and it has, she says 'So many carbs in it Sachs would crawl back from the jungles of the Amazon to try it'. We shall see if she is right.
"So when shall we pencil in your return? Mmm? I'll let you contemplate that and I shall head home – the girls are expecting me to help with some sort of science project.
"Although really, what do I know about science projects? If I recall it was your assistance not mine that won them the science show ribbon – perhaps if you don't dawdle back from wherever you've gotten to, we could reacquire your services to science. Think of it this way – you'd hate to deprive this country of twin potential scientific geniuses. Now really that would be a waste. That's all."
DAY FIVE
"I apologize that I was not available to speak to you yesterday. I trust Nigel spent adequate time chatting with you instead. Did he mention that he has been reserving clothes for you in The Closet – apparently several pieces are, and I quote "swoon worthy".
And there are a special pair of boots, he says, Chanel I believe, that will make 'every head in the room turn and stare'. His exact words. I will admit I am quite curious to see them on you myself. Of course, he won't hold them forever. So do get a move on before one of the Emilys souvenirs them instead. That's all."
DAY SIX
"Emily wants to know if you want any more cronuts? I suspect from my sources, which are extensive, that she's begun buying them to woo Serena. Oh she thinks I don't know those two are an item. But I would have to be blind and stupid not to notice the ridiculous length of time they spend staring at each other. I had no idea Serena indulged in cronuts though. That girl should model. Oh how many times I've tried, but no. Nothing.
"Did you ever think about modelling Andrea? I know I called you certain unsavoury things when you joined us but you are clearly a size four now. You have the height and bone structure to pull it off. And of course when you smile... Actually there is no real smiling in modelling so we shall ignore that aspect. Besides I am not entirely sure I want to share your smile with the world. And if you repeat that to anyone I shall deny it strenuously."
[RING]
"Patrick? I told you I'm not to be disturbed at this time. I have … oh. What? No, not unless you have corrected the monstrosity I had the misfortune to graze my eyeballs with last week?"
"Hey lady! Sorry to interrupt but NO phones are allowed in here. They interfere with the machines."
"One moment, Patrick, I have a nursing ... person ... attempting to manipulate me with utter nonsense... [click]
"Nurse ... Baggot, is it? Don't you dare tell me such ridiculous misinformation again. If what you just said was true, all the doctors on this floor would not be using cell phones. Now go and trouble the more gullible guests - I'm extremely busy. Oh and if you 'hey lady' me ever again I will get the board of directors to explain precisely why there is a Priestly wing on this hospital while they show you the exit. That's all... [click]
"Patrick? No, I'm back. You have three weeks to change my mind and stop me regretting the day I championed you as the next big thing. Do we understand each other? Good. [clunk]
"Andrea, I am sorry for the interruption. Patrick has the most awful new line coming out that he calls circus chic. What an idiotic concept. He's clearly lost the plot, because even clowns wouldn't wear these colours.
"Do you think, Andrea, you could consider opening your eyes today? For even a second? The doctors say you're well enough to but you're somehow stuck somewhere between sleep and waking. If you do this for me I'll show you the ludicrous photos of Patrick's range and with that absurd sense of humor of yours I'm certain it will be worth it.
"...
"No? Well I suppose that probably is a sign of your good taste. You do occasionally veer into it. Even the girls have noticed how well you're dressing these days. Oh, they want to see you, too. You clearly made an impression which is surprising - you're the first assistant they've ever taken a liking to. I find myself unsure. Would you be OK with them seeing you hooked up to machines? On the other hand they can be entertaining company.
"Well we don't have to decide today. Let me know next time. Get some rest, Andrea. That's all."