A Bad Idea
By: Slashman

(The following story contains profanity. You have been warned.)

A sound whipped through the room that was able to send shivers down the spine of even a dedicated Gundam pilot like Duo Maxwell. He gritted his teeth and looked down to the ground, his mind trying to grasp something less disturbing, like having major dental work done. The banshee-like wail that terrified him so was trying, and failing miserably, to sing to the tune of "I Will Always Love You". The temptation to slam his head into the table in order to dull the pain was overwhelming. Across the table from him, Hilde Schbeiker sat with a nervous smile on her face.

"You're not having any fun, are you?"

The only way Duo was able to convincely lie his way out of the situation was to look the attractive young woman over a few times before replying. "Oh, no... I'm doing okay."

In truth, the karoke bar ranked right up there with some of Hilde's other ideas for a fun night. The ice skating rink had shown that even Gundam pilots could be uncoordinated sometimes. The point at which a five year old pointed and laughed at him was still a visual he prayed never got back to any of the other pilots. Going to the movies was always a bad idea... it was a love story that Hilde was totally into, and which put Duo right to sleep. And he didn't even want to think about their trip to the art museum... he was still hiding from the bill collectors over that broken sculpture.

But, he couldn't bear to hurt Hilde's feelings. And, besides which, they had also had plenty of times when they'd gone out and had a lot of fun. And, of course, any excuse to see Hilde dressed up was good for him. Still, there were some prices that were just too high to pay, and the glass shattering voice of the woman at the front of the bar ranked near the top of that list.

"You're not mad at me, are you?" Hilde asked, the smile that was on her face replaced with a worried look.

"Hilde, if I can handle Mobile Dolls, legions of Oz soldiers, seeing Deathscythe destroyed and putting up with Heero's pissy little mood swings, I can handle this," he replied, being a little more honest with his feelings. "Still, I'm starting to wish I had Deathscythe here to shut her up..."

Hilde giggled at Duo's comment. "To be honest, I kind of wish you did, too."

Duo looked to the stage, then back to Hilde. "So, Hilde... when do I get to hear you sing, anyway?"

The young woman blushed slightly at the question. "I... I couldn't possibly..."

"Why not? You have a beautiful singing voice."

"How would YOU know?"

Duo leaned back, the smirk on his face growing larger. "Your shower has great accoustics," he explained. Hilde now turned a brighter shade of red, and Duo was obviously enjoing every minute of it. "So, how about it? You wanna perform?"

"I'd be too embarrassed..."

"Hey, listen to the rest of the crowd in this place... I'd gladly listen to you sing something, rather than have the drunk guy try to sing "Luck Be a Lady" for the millionth time."

"I... I don't like being in front of a lot of people, Duo."

"There's not THAT many people. C'mon, ya dragged me out here, so why not partake of the facilities, and bust out a tune for me?"

"If it's not that big of a deal, why don't YOU do it?"

The question took Duo by suprise, and the chair he was leaning back on almost tipped over. "Me??"

"Yes, you... why don't you sing a little number for me?"

"Uhm... well... that is..."

"I don't eavesdrop on others in the shower, like SOME people I know," Hilde said with a grin, "But I bet you could do better than them, too."

"Let's just drop it, then..." Duo said, and looked back down to the glass of root beer in front of him. "Um... don't you think it's kinda funny we can pilot mobile suits in gigantic wars, but we still can't buy alcohol?"

Hilde smirked at the young Gundam pilot. "Stop trying to change the subject, Duo..."

"Hey! It's a valid observation!" Duo said in a failed attempt to defend himself.

"You started this, Duo Maxwell... so, do you have the guts to see it to its conclusion?"

Duo's expression stiffened. "Are you callin' me a coward, Hilde Schbeiker?"

"If the shoe fits..." she replied with a mischevious grin.

"Fine, yer on," he replied. "I'll sing my song, then you sing your song... deal?"

"Deal," she agreed, and found herself desperately wishing she had a video camera to record Duo's making a fool of himself for posterity.

"Who's next?" the host asked, as the demon wail came to a merciful conclusion.

"Yo, over here!" Duo called out. "I've got a song for ya."

The host waved Duo to the front, who ran to the front of the bar with his trademark smirk. "What's your name, son?" he asked.

Duo decided quickly it was in his best interests to not say his real name, lest anyone bother him. "My name is Joe D. Fisher."

"Joe D. Fisher, ladies and gentlemen!" the host said, which resulted in hesitant applause from most of the room and an eye roll from Hilde. Duo then whispered something in the host's ear, and offered him a small tape from his pocket. The host took the tape and put it into the machine, and Duo then took the mic from him. As the sounds of an accoustic guitar filled the room, Duo did not sing at first. Instead, he spoke.

Folks, I'd like to sing you a song about the Colonial Dream," he began. "About me. About you. About the way our Colonial hearts beat down in the bottoms of our chests. About that special feeling we get down in the cockles of our hearts. Maybe below the cockles, maybe in the subcockle area. Maybe in the liver... maybe in the kidneys... maybe even in the colon... we dunno."

"Oh dear god Duo, you're not..." Hilde began. The question was answered with a wink, just before he broke into song.

I'm just an average Joe
With an average job
I'm your average white Colonial slob
I like football... and porno... and books about war
I got an average house with a nice hardwood floor
My girlfriend and my job
My kids and my car (well... maybe not kids...)
My feet on the table...
And a Cuban cigar...

Hilde cringed as the song progressed, while some of the people in the crowd were swaying to the beat of the song. The poor fools didn't know what was coming.

But sometimes that just ain't enough
To keep a man like me interested...
Nuh uh, no way...
I gotta go out and have fun at other people's expense
Oh yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah...

"Here it comes..." Hilde muttered, and tried to hide her face with her hands.

I drive really slow in the ultrafast lane
While people... behind me... are going insane...

"Duoooooooo..." she groaned.

I'm an ASSHOLE!
(He's an asshole... what an asshole)
I'm an ASSHOLE!
(He's an asshole, such an asshole)

I use public toilets, and I piss on the seats
I walk around in the summertime sayin "How about this heat?"

I'm an ASSHOLE!
(He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an ASSHOLE!
(He's the world's biggest asshole!)

By now, the room had been stunned to silence and Hilde had suddenly become the human grape that, despite her best efforts, couldn't shrivel completely out of view. As she caught the first of several glances from people around the room, she started to bang her head against the table. This was the last time she ever made a dare with Duo. The last time.

Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces
While handicapped people make handicapped faces!

I'm an ASSHOLE!
(He's an asshole, what an asshole!)
I'm an ASSHOLE!
(He's a real fucking asshole!)

...
Maybe I shouldn't be singing this song...
Ranting and raving and carrying on...
Maybe they're right when they tell me they're wrong...

To Hilde's shock, some people were actually buying Duo's apology. They were nodding in approval, but Hilde knew better.
"Wait for it..."

...
NAH!

I'm an ASSHOLE!
(He's an asshole, what an asshole!)
I'm an ASSHOLE!
(He's the world's biggest asshole!)

Duo stopped singing, and began talking again, to a now bewildered group of karoke bar patrons.

"You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac El Dorado Convertable... HOT PINK! With whale skin hubcaps, and all leather cow interior and big brown baby seal eyes for headlights, and I'm gonna drive around in that baby, at 115 miles per hour, get one mile per gallon, sucking down quarter pound cheeseburgers from McDonald's, in the old fashioned, non biodegradable styrofoam containers, and when I'm done sucking down those greaseball burgers, I'm gonna wipe my mouth with the Earth Sphere Alliance, World Nation, whatever the hell flag, and then I'm gonna toss the styrofoam container RIGHT out the side, and there's ain't a goddamned thing anybody can do about it? Ya know why?

"Because we've got the Gundams, okay? Two words: Gundamiam FUCKING alloy. Romefeller Foundation, Oz, the Treize Faction... they can have the democracy they want. They can have a big democracy cakewalk right through the middle of Sanc Kingdom, and it won't make a lick of difference, because we got the Gundams, okay?

"Lady Une isn't dead, she's frozen! And when we find a cure for big ass bullet wounds, we're gonna thaw out the lady, and she's gonna be pretty pissed off. Ya know why? Ever taken a cold shower? Well, multiply that fifteen million times, that's how pissed the Lady's gonna be. I'm gonna get the Lady, and Heero Yuy..."

An unseen voice now commented to Duo. "Hey!"

"...and Trowa Barton..."

"Hey!"

"... and Quatre Raberba Winner..."

"Hey!"

"And that big stud Duo Maxwell..."

"HEY! You know you really are an asshole?"

"Ah, shut the hell up and sing the damn song."

I'm an ASSHOLE!
(He's an asshole, what an asshole!)
I'm an ASSHOLE!
(He's the world's biggest asshole!)

A
S
S
H
O
L
E

EVERYBODY!

A few people actually joined in.

A
S
S
H
O
L
E!

At this point, Duo now started barking in time to the song.

"ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF!"

Then he started "singing" nonsense.

"FUNG ACHNG TUM A FUNG TUM A FLING CHUM!"

"Ooooooo..." the unseen background singers chimed in, and Duo looked up, his smirk as big as it had ever been, and he winked again at the blushing, desperately hiding Hilde.

"I'm an asshole," he proclaimed, "And I'm proud of it."

The end of the song was greeted with hesitant applause. Duo bowed in response, then gave the microphone back to the host and made his way towards he and Hilde's table. Instead of sitting down, he leaned down to where Hilde was lying her head against the table.

"Your turn," he whispered, a comment that earned him an elbow from Hilde.

"They're never going to let us back in here..." she muttered.

"Well then, you'd better sing before they kick us out."

"Why the hell should I sing for you, after that?"

"Hey, a promise is a promise," he said simply. "You didn't say what song I could sing."

Hilde slowly rose to her feet. "You got one thing right, Duo... you really are an asshole."

"And proud of it, remember?"

She shook her head, then walked to the front of the room. As she walked forward, thoughts of revenge skipped through her head. She tried to think of the absolute worst thing she could possibly do to embarrass and humiliate the young pilot. But then, as she turned back to see Duo sitting at the table, she noticed a regretful look on his face.

"Sorry Hilde..." he whimpered. "You don't have to..."

"Duo... you bastard," she said to herself. "One day I'll figure out why I love you so much." She then turned and walked to the front of the room. The host didn't offer her the mic.

"Please tell me you're aren't going to follow that up with something even worse..."

"No... I'm going to be good."

The host gave her a reluctant look, then handed the microphone over.

"First of all, I'd like to apologize for Mr. Fisher," she said in a sarcastic tone. "He's had a little too much to drink tonight."

"It's ROOT BEER!" Duo cried in his own defense. Obviously, he wanted to take full credit for the stunt.

"Well, Mr. Fisher... I probably shouldn't do this... but there's a song I'd like to sing about you, too..."

The host winced.

She then motioned the host over. After hearing her words, he smiled, then looked back to Duo and nodded. Hilde began by looking down at the floor, until the song started. Duo recognized it immediately.

"Oh, Hilde... you..."

Look into my eyes
You will see
What you mean to me...
Search your heart...
Search your soul...
And when you find me there
You'll search no more.
Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for...
You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for
You know it's true..
Everything I do... I do it for you.

Look into your heart
You will find
There's nothing there to hide
Take me as I am... take my life
I would give it all, I would sacrifice
Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for
I can't help it, there's nothin' I want more
Ya know it's true...
Everything I do... I do it for you.

There's no love
Like your love
And no other
Could give more love
There's nowhere
Unless you're there
All the time...
All the way...

Oh you can't tell me it's not tryin' for
I can't help it... there's nothin' I want more..
I would fight for you...
I'd lie for you...
Walk the wire for you...
Yeah...
I'd die for you...

Ya know it's true
Everything I do
I do it for you.

"Hilde..." Duo whispered, feeling tears well up in his eyes. The patrons in the room applauded, and Hilde only looked at Duo with a smile on her face, and tears in her eyes as well.

***

"I suppose you saved the day, Hilde," Duo said casually as the two neared her house. "We actually will be able to go back."

"But I'm not ever letting you sing again."

"Awwww, c'mon... I've gotta do the Traditional Irish Folk Song..."

"NO, Duo," she said forcefully.

"Fine, be a spoilsport. Sheesh."

"We do have a reputation to maintain... Joe."

"So, what's your code name, anyway? We gotta make up one for you."

"I need one?"

"Well, not really... but it would be fun!"

Hilde sighed. "You're going to make my codename Hugh Jass, aren't you?"

"No! Never!" Duo replied. "I'm saving that one for Heero."

Hilde chuckled. "Well, did you have fun tonight?"

"Ultimately, yeah. The "Luck Be a Lady" guy was pretty darned funny, when you got to know him."

Hilde nodded, and tried to hide her disappointment as they neared the door to her home. They really hadn't said anything to each other since she had sung for him, at least not about the song. It almost seemed as though Duo had pushed it completely out of his mind. She unlocked the door, then turned towards Duo.

"You know..."

She stopped immediately as she saw Duo with a single white rose in his hands. He smiled at her, not his usual mischevious smirk, but instead a very genuine, and almost shy, smile. She looked down at it, then back at Duo's face, unable to speak for a moment. Finally, she responded with a comment that would have probably made Duo proud.

"You got that from my rose garden, didn't you?"

"It's the thought that counts, right?"

Hilde smiled and nodded at him. "Yeah... I just wish you'd show this side more often... the prince, instead of the court jester..."

"I ain't got no money or family tree," Duo replied, "But I'm the prince with whom you ought to be."

Hilde sighed slightly, and smiled back at him. "You really are something, Duo Maxwell."

"I try."

"It's funny... there's this huge war going on all around us, and people are dying every day... but... but... all I can do is think of how much it would crush me if I ever lost you."

"The God of Death will never be defeated," Duo boasted, but his voice was still quiet.

"He better not be," she replied. "Because there's this poor, mere mortal who is waiting for him to return every time he goes out..."

Duo looked into Hilde's eyes. "Why do you think he'll never be defeated?"

Hilde couldn't resist any further, and pulled Duo into a hug. He hugged her in return, and she rested her head on his shoulder. "I love you, Duo."

"I love you too, Hilde."

Hilde kissed him gently on the cheek, then pushed the door to her home open. "You know what happens now, right?" Duo's eyes widened as she walked slowly to the door to her room, a broad smile on her face.

"Wh... what's that?"

The smiled grew even bigger. "You... are going... to sleep on the COUCH for singing that song."

She closed the door behind her, leaving Duo in the middle of the room, his arms slumped down to his sides.

"I really am an asshole, aren't I?"

End