"Okay everyone...I guess your all wondering why I called this
meeting...the reason is, I have something very important to tell you all.
Now we've all known eachother for about seven years, some longer than
others...and we're all good friends...some the best of...we've all changed
a bit, each of us taking shape of who we really are...and with that in
mind...I have something to share with you all. I know at times we have been
judgmental, but we've outgrown that and have learned to look at things with
an open mind. What I'm gonna ask is you keep that open-ness....I, Yagami
Taichi, am Gay. And there is nothing you can do about it, if you say one
bad thing to me, I swear I will punch you in the face. Now is everybody
good?"p
Just like that. Taichi came out of the closet. He knew even if any of us would have a problem, we wouldn't face him with it...he was Taichi, he was our leader, we all loved him and were used to going along with what we didn't agree with anyways. It was easy for him, he knew no one would reject him because they of the fact that they couldn't reject him. p
For me it wouldn't be so easy. I was Jyou, just old faithful, reliable Jyou. I wasn't very close to most of the chosen children, Koushiro probably being my best friend, and I rarely see him. I'll talk with Yamato at times, and Sora as well...Mimi keeps in touch too, but that's only because I think she pitties me. There's really only one person I know who respects me enough to show it, and enjoys spending time with me as much as he can. Iori. He's younger than me, by about six years and you'd think, someone like me wouldn't enjoy hanging around a child. The truth is, I really do enjoy being around him, he's very wise for his age, very insightful, very respectful, very quiet. Those are the kind of people I like, though oddly enough I seem to still be in love with Mimi.p
I wish I could just get over her, well I don't know. I don't think it's really love anymore because...I don't think you can have a crush on another person when your in love with someone else. Along with Mimi, I've liked Yamato for a long time now...although I believe my feelings for Yamato are only those of lust. I care for him in friendship, but nothing more. With Mimi, I know I feel something more than friendship, I always have. Maybe because she's so pretty and sweet...but Yamato is pretty as well...in a mysterious sort of way. p
As you could have probably guessed, I am Bisexual. I don't find anything wrong with it, I never really have, it's normal to me. But I'm afraid, afraid to tell the others, and especially frightened to tell my family. The only one who knows is Koushiro, and that's only because I used to spend so much time with him, eventually he figured it out. He knows about my attraction to Yamato, as well as my feelings towards Mimi. He says he rather see me with Yamato than Mimi...out of all of us he's least fond of Mimi. p
He says...she's too self absorbed. He thinks I shouldn't like her because of how she treats me. She loves everyone that's true...but he's right. It's a shallow love, just loves because it's in her personality. She has no sense of respect at times. She treats me as a tax accountant, warms up to you only when they need something from you, and need it in a quick proper manner. I get a card from her on Holidays, sometimes an email, every blue moon she'll call to check up on me. p
I know I shouldn't feel for her the way I do...but I can't help it. When I think about her, I often wonder if you really can be in love when a person who only breaks your heart. I've always though, a person can only truly be in love, when the other loves them back. So then again...I may not be in love. I really don't know, which is another thing. They say when your really in love you don't question it, you just know. p
So with all those things pieced together, most likely conclusion is that, no, I'm not in love. So why not give up on her and just wait for someone to steal your heart. Well it's because I'm afriad if I let her go, I may entirly loose any chance of being with her, and what if being with her would be the only chance I ever got? I guess it's like a false hope, a false security. Unless someone magically comes along to whisk me away on his or her white horse, I'm content with being set on Mimi. p
Then again, I think, what if...what if I'm being blinded by another love because I'm so focused on Mimi? It's possible sure, but I really don't know, I start thinking about it, can't decide then get distracted. So I could be in love with someone else, which is why I think I have these feelings of love. The only thing I know is that it's not Yamato, and from my analyzations, not Mimi.p
But I have faith that everything will run it's course and that if and when I have to act, it will come on it's own time. Fate is tricky, so maybe this is all so confusing for a reason. Maybe I'm not suposed to figure who I really love, maybe because it's just not time yet. Or maybe because that person loves me too, and hasn't realised it, and by my realising it first, I could easily tell them and scare them away for good. Or maybe they already have, and I haven't...the samed scenario playing, roles reversed. Or maybe we have to realise the love together. p
So now I know that I'm lusting after Yamato, Infatuated with Mimi, and in love with someone that I don't even know I'm in love with. Could it be that I don't yet know the person, but because we're meant to be, I'm able to feel love without knowing them? p
Morning tea just makes me think too much. If inished the last sip and the placed the empty mug into the sink...I thought about doing the few dishes that were in there, then decided they could wait till I got home. Procrastination isn't something I'm known for, but when it comes to cleaning I'd honestly rather wait. I had fifteen minutes before I had to leave for the university, so I sighed, sucked it up and those six dishes. It only took me about three minutes though...so I just decided to leave early. p
It was strange, as I walked down the sidewalk I seemed to smile, It wasn't that I was really happy...Just acomplished. I had a small, strange sense of pride and acomplishment because I had done those six dishes before I left. Not only did I no longer have to waste about five extra minutes of my time after school, I wouldn't have to think about it the reast of the day. It's a peculiar thing about me really, little things like that seemed to nag at the back of my mind all day, sometimes making it hard to concentrate. I'm don't think I'm crazy or anything, I think it has something to do with being responsible. Then again, I may just be crazy after all since I found myself laughing out loud at this thought. p
So what if I'm crazy? No one cares anyways and it's not like it's affecting me negativly, so why worry If I am or not? I really don't understand myself sometimes...Did you know with me, I might have a completely different view on what I just said tomorrow? Is that honestly normal? To be so fickle with your opinions, especially when your not exactly a fickle person. p
Once someone called me fickle for changing my mind so much. I told them, I'm not fickle, I just adapt easy...if all animals were like me, they wouldn't have to evolve, they could just adapt to any environment without changing a thing. Although it would be a very strange thing to see each species looking exactly like me. Actually, if every species was exactly like me, we wouldn't need species...because we'd all be the same and classification would then become irrelavent. Things would be so much easier if everyone was the same...sort of like communism...but not really...anyways I'm getting off track. If we were all the same though, even though it would make things easier and less stressful, it would also make things less interesting. I mean not that I want to be like Taichi for example, but without extroverted people like him, things would get boring, and allthough the mundane lifestyle is something I'm used to, I like watching and learning about more exotic things. p
Okay that deffinitly proves it. I, Kido Jyou am a crazy bastard. I just swore didn't I? You know...normally I don't swear only if I'm feeling exceptionally angry or feel occasionally giddy. I just said giddy didn't I? I sighed and kept walking...I'm really starting to think that wandering isn't good for my mind. I wonder if simple minded people think things like me. I mean..would they're thoughts be less...or more? Maybe more and less complex, or maybe less and more complex...or am I really simple minded? I couldn't honestly say that because truthfully I don't know. I'm smart, I know that...well not smart, but intelligent. There is a difference you know. Koushiro is someone who is smart you see, I'm the kind that is intelligent. p
I was counting cracks in the sidewalk...wondering if I had lost count when suddenly something occured to me: I had not thought about Mimi for over twenty minutes...although that thought blew it. I sighed in defeat then started wondering if I have full control of my thoughts or not. Sometimes I think the majority of the stuff that I think about is from my subconcious. Although the fact that I think that may be the thinking that comes from the subconcious making what I thought irrelavent...also making everything I just said both irrelavent and redundant.p
+++++++
It was after class, and I was tired. But I still stood in front of the building waiting for Iori to come by and walk with me. You see...my apartment was on the way to his, so it was convienent to have him walk with me, both of us silently needing the company. Takeru and Miyako were now in Highschool, and since he was still back in Junior High, he no longer had anyone to walk home with. p
After about ten minutes I decided that I should just leave...then I caught site of him turning the corner. I smiled brightly and he ran a bit to make his way to me faster. He apologized for being late, his teacher had needed him to finish a test. I told him it was completely alright, and understandable, but he wouldn't let it go. Sometimes I think he's a bit too polite, but then again that's good thing. p
For a moment the thought grazed my mind that he was walking particularly close to me today, and I wondered if it was intentional or not. Not that I would mind if it was intentional, it just shows that he's comfortable in my presence. I found my self some what staring at him after that. No, no it wasn't staring, watching with interest. p
All these months of seeing him just about everyday and I hadn't noticed how very interesting he was too watch. The way his fingers slightly clenched and un clenched as he walked, or how sometimes he would blink two times in a row. I also noticed that his walking pattern would glitch slightly now and then, but find a steady rythm soon afterwards. Then I wondered if others did these subtle things...I had never really study someone before. p
I found that after that day, I kept up with watching him. My new hobby had become studying this boy. He was really more interesting then you'd think. His hair which he had been growing out slightly in the front for about four years was just recently cut, and ever since he cut it to about his jaw, I don't really think it ever fell in the same place. I mean, not everyones hair falls in the exact same place everyday...but with most it isn't noticable. With him it was...although that could be just because I had started noticing minute things such as that. p
Another thing I noticed was that his face, his features were extremely symetrical. Now I know most people don't have lopsided faces, but studies have shown that no ones face is perfectly symetrical, and the closer you get to symetry, the more apealing or rather beautiful you look. Iori was extremely symetrical, except that one of his eyebrows arched slightly higher than the other, but this little detail was barely noticable. In fact he was very beautiful, maybe because of the symetry, and that's another thing I had noticed. p
He still had a slightly boyish face, but it was defined and graceful. Pretty...it was femine, but not soft enough for a woman, slightly handsome, and despite the boyish look, nothing was really rounded. His eyes even had this almost seductive slant, long thin eyelashes which only added to the effect, and deep ermrald eyes that always had an enigmatic depth to them. His nose is petite, and as far as noses go, rather charming. His cheekbones are...simple, and always seemed to have a rosy blush. His mouth is average, well at least it was in proportion to his face, and his lips were thin, small but plush, very kissable lips. p
Just like that. Taichi came out of the closet. He knew even if any of us would have a problem, we wouldn't face him with it...he was Taichi, he was our leader, we all loved him and were used to going along with what we didn't agree with anyways. It was easy for him, he knew no one would reject him because they of the fact that they couldn't reject him. p
For me it wouldn't be so easy. I was Jyou, just old faithful, reliable Jyou. I wasn't very close to most of the chosen children, Koushiro probably being my best friend, and I rarely see him. I'll talk with Yamato at times, and Sora as well...Mimi keeps in touch too, but that's only because I think she pitties me. There's really only one person I know who respects me enough to show it, and enjoys spending time with me as much as he can. Iori. He's younger than me, by about six years and you'd think, someone like me wouldn't enjoy hanging around a child. The truth is, I really do enjoy being around him, he's very wise for his age, very insightful, very respectful, very quiet. Those are the kind of people I like, though oddly enough I seem to still be in love with Mimi.p
I wish I could just get over her, well I don't know. I don't think it's really love anymore because...I don't think you can have a crush on another person when your in love with someone else. Along with Mimi, I've liked Yamato for a long time now...although I believe my feelings for Yamato are only those of lust. I care for him in friendship, but nothing more. With Mimi, I know I feel something more than friendship, I always have. Maybe because she's so pretty and sweet...but Yamato is pretty as well...in a mysterious sort of way. p
As you could have probably guessed, I am Bisexual. I don't find anything wrong with it, I never really have, it's normal to me. But I'm afraid, afraid to tell the others, and especially frightened to tell my family. The only one who knows is Koushiro, and that's only because I used to spend so much time with him, eventually he figured it out. He knows about my attraction to Yamato, as well as my feelings towards Mimi. He says he rather see me with Yamato than Mimi...out of all of us he's least fond of Mimi. p
He says...she's too self absorbed. He thinks I shouldn't like her because of how she treats me. She loves everyone that's true...but he's right. It's a shallow love, just loves because it's in her personality. She has no sense of respect at times. She treats me as a tax accountant, warms up to you only when they need something from you, and need it in a quick proper manner. I get a card from her on Holidays, sometimes an email, every blue moon she'll call to check up on me. p
I know I shouldn't feel for her the way I do...but I can't help it. When I think about her, I often wonder if you really can be in love when a person who only breaks your heart. I've always though, a person can only truly be in love, when the other loves them back. So then again...I may not be in love. I really don't know, which is another thing. They say when your really in love you don't question it, you just know. p
So with all those things pieced together, most likely conclusion is that, no, I'm not in love. So why not give up on her and just wait for someone to steal your heart. Well it's because I'm afriad if I let her go, I may entirly loose any chance of being with her, and what if being with her would be the only chance I ever got? I guess it's like a false hope, a false security. Unless someone magically comes along to whisk me away on his or her white horse, I'm content with being set on Mimi. p
Then again, I think, what if...what if I'm being blinded by another love because I'm so focused on Mimi? It's possible sure, but I really don't know, I start thinking about it, can't decide then get distracted. So I could be in love with someone else, which is why I think I have these feelings of love. The only thing I know is that it's not Yamato, and from my analyzations, not Mimi.p
But I have faith that everything will run it's course and that if and when I have to act, it will come on it's own time. Fate is tricky, so maybe this is all so confusing for a reason. Maybe I'm not suposed to figure who I really love, maybe because it's just not time yet. Or maybe because that person loves me too, and hasn't realised it, and by my realising it first, I could easily tell them and scare them away for good. Or maybe they already have, and I haven't...the samed scenario playing, roles reversed. Or maybe we have to realise the love together. p
So now I know that I'm lusting after Yamato, Infatuated with Mimi, and in love with someone that I don't even know I'm in love with. Could it be that I don't yet know the person, but because we're meant to be, I'm able to feel love without knowing them? p
Morning tea just makes me think too much. If inished the last sip and the placed the empty mug into the sink...I thought about doing the few dishes that were in there, then decided they could wait till I got home. Procrastination isn't something I'm known for, but when it comes to cleaning I'd honestly rather wait. I had fifteen minutes before I had to leave for the university, so I sighed, sucked it up and those six dishes. It only took me about three minutes though...so I just decided to leave early. p
It was strange, as I walked down the sidewalk I seemed to smile, It wasn't that I was really happy...Just acomplished. I had a small, strange sense of pride and acomplishment because I had done those six dishes before I left. Not only did I no longer have to waste about five extra minutes of my time after school, I wouldn't have to think about it the reast of the day. It's a peculiar thing about me really, little things like that seemed to nag at the back of my mind all day, sometimes making it hard to concentrate. I'm don't think I'm crazy or anything, I think it has something to do with being responsible. Then again, I may just be crazy after all since I found myself laughing out loud at this thought. p
So what if I'm crazy? No one cares anyways and it's not like it's affecting me negativly, so why worry If I am or not? I really don't understand myself sometimes...Did you know with me, I might have a completely different view on what I just said tomorrow? Is that honestly normal? To be so fickle with your opinions, especially when your not exactly a fickle person. p
Once someone called me fickle for changing my mind so much. I told them, I'm not fickle, I just adapt easy...if all animals were like me, they wouldn't have to evolve, they could just adapt to any environment without changing a thing. Although it would be a very strange thing to see each species looking exactly like me. Actually, if every species was exactly like me, we wouldn't need species...because we'd all be the same and classification would then become irrelavent. Things would be so much easier if everyone was the same...sort of like communism...but not really...anyways I'm getting off track. If we were all the same though, even though it would make things easier and less stressful, it would also make things less interesting. I mean not that I want to be like Taichi for example, but without extroverted people like him, things would get boring, and allthough the mundane lifestyle is something I'm used to, I like watching and learning about more exotic things. p
Okay that deffinitly proves it. I, Kido Jyou am a crazy bastard. I just swore didn't I? You know...normally I don't swear only if I'm feeling exceptionally angry or feel occasionally giddy. I just said giddy didn't I? I sighed and kept walking...I'm really starting to think that wandering isn't good for my mind. I wonder if simple minded people think things like me. I mean..would they're thoughts be less...or more? Maybe more and less complex, or maybe less and more complex...or am I really simple minded? I couldn't honestly say that because truthfully I don't know. I'm smart, I know that...well not smart, but intelligent. There is a difference you know. Koushiro is someone who is smart you see, I'm the kind that is intelligent. p
I was counting cracks in the sidewalk...wondering if I had lost count when suddenly something occured to me: I had not thought about Mimi for over twenty minutes...although that thought blew it. I sighed in defeat then started wondering if I have full control of my thoughts or not. Sometimes I think the majority of the stuff that I think about is from my subconcious. Although the fact that I think that may be the thinking that comes from the subconcious making what I thought irrelavent...also making everything I just said both irrelavent and redundant.p
+++++++
It was after class, and I was tired. But I still stood in front of the building waiting for Iori to come by and walk with me. You see...my apartment was on the way to his, so it was convienent to have him walk with me, both of us silently needing the company. Takeru and Miyako were now in Highschool, and since he was still back in Junior High, he no longer had anyone to walk home with. p
After about ten minutes I decided that I should just leave...then I caught site of him turning the corner. I smiled brightly and he ran a bit to make his way to me faster. He apologized for being late, his teacher had needed him to finish a test. I told him it was completely alright, and understandable, but he wouldn't let it go. Sometimes I think he's a bit too polite, but then again that's good thing. p
For a moment the thought grazed my mind that he was walking particularly close to me today, and I wondered if it was intentional or not. Not that I would mind if it was intentional, it just shows that he's comfortable in my presence. I found my self some what staring at him after that. No, no it wasn't staring, watching with interest. p
All these months of seeing him just about everyday and I hadn't noticed how very interesting he was too watch. The way his fingers slightly clenched and un clenched as he walked, or how sometimes he would blink two times in a row. I also noticed that his walking pattern would glitch slightly now and then, but find a steady rythm soon afterwards. Then I wondered if others did these subtle things...I had never really study someone before. p
I found that after that day, I kept up with watching him. My new hobby had become studying this boy. He was really more interesting then you'd think. His hair which he had been growing out slightly in the front for about four years was just recently cut, and ever since he cut it to about his jaw, I don't really think it ever fell in the same place. I mean, not everyones hair falls in the exact same place everyday...but with most it isn't noticable. With him it was...although that could be just because I had started noticing minute things such as that. p
Another thing I noticed was that his face, his features were extremely symetrical. Now I know most people don't have lopsided faces, but studies have shown that no ones face is perfectly symetrical, and the closer you get to symetry, the more apealing or rather beautiful you look. Iori was extremely symetrical, except that one of his eyebrows arched slightly higher than the other, but this little detail was barely noticable. In fact he was very beautiful, maybe because of the symetry, and that's another thing I had noticed. p
He still had a slightly boyish face, but it was defined and graceful. Pretty...it was femine, but not soft enough for a woman, slightly handsome, and despite the boyish look, nothing was really rounded. His eyes even had this almost seductive slant, long thin eyelashes which only added to the effect, and deep ermrald eyes that always had an enigmatic depth to them. His nose is petite, and as far as noses go, rather charming. His cheekbones are...simple, and always seemed to have a rosy blush. His mouth is average, well at least it was in proportion to his face, and his lips were thin, small but plush, very kissable lips. p