Hi, this is my first fic, so please be gentle. Or not, I mean, do what feels right. Anyway, this fic is like pure crack, like it's literally gonna be nothing but silliness, everyone is OOC, and I have no idea where it's going. So enjoy!
Disclaimer: I don't any characters or anything, they're all sufficiently not mine.
Chapter 1: Leferre is pronounced LUH-FAIR
Tears were forming in my eyes by the time Ms. Leroy bounced into class, blinding everyone with her cheerful smile, as per usual. Demyx punched my arm hurriedly, trying to make me shut up, while he crushed the particularly large sculpture of a penis that we had been making. I couldn't stop, though. Choked giggles escaped from my throat.
Ms. Leroy kept her smile, despite having noticed the scale model penis, and walked over to her desk at the rear of the room.
"Axel, be a dear and come here for a moment, please."
My laughter ceased immediately.
"Oh-hokay." I put on my best poker face and nervously stepped over to her desk.
"Can you do me a favor, dear? A student from one of my other classes needs help on his tripod this afternoon, and I was hoping you could help him. Of course, I would have Namine do it, but she's sick with mono. And you have already obviously demonstrated mastery of sculpting. What do you say, dear?" She looked at me with hopeful brown eyes and her trademark smile.
I didn't really have any plans… but …"Uh, well, you see, Ms. Leroy, this afternoon I'm kinda busy and-" My was-probably-going to-be-really-lame-and-unconvincing-anyway excuse was cut off rather forcefully.
"And if his tripod looks amazing, I might be so distracted by it, that I possibly might forget to turn in this suspension slip." She handed me a small, official pink piece of paper, the words 'Axel Andrews was making phallic-like sculptures in my class. Again.' written in frilly, neat handwriting. A guilty smile made its way across my face.
"You know, Ms. Leroy, I would love to help. And I've got nothing to do this afternoon, anyway."
"Oh, that is good to hear, Mr. Andrews, very good to hear." She enunciated each of her syllables as though she were talking to a toddler. And there was still that goddamn smile on her face. "Be here at four o'clock sharp!"
I nodded meekly and walked back to my table, avoiding nosy-classmate eyes.
I could hear water running as the door clicked open and I rushed in, hoping Ms. Leroy wouldn't be mad at me for arriving four minutes after the time I was supposed to.
My worry seemed unnecessary, though; the room was empty except for one person, who was most certainly not Ms. Leroy. I glanced over to the corner sink to see a midget with the most tangled spiky blonde hair I had ever seen staring into said sink and muttering gibberish.
"Uh. Are you Roxas...? Leaf-er?" I glanced down at the small note Ms. Leroy had given me earlier.
His left eye twitched. "Luh-FAIR."
Well, it wasn't my fault that his last name was fucking hard to pronounce.
"Right. Uh... what are you doing?" He was still gazing into the running water. I could see a poorly-shaped pinch-pot on the art table in the corner.
"Filling the sink with water." His voice was monotone. Filling the sink with water? That had something to do with pottery, I guess.
"Oh-hokay." I said uneasily. "Well, I'm just gonna get some tools from Ms. Leroy's office. I'll be right back to help ya out." I shot him a concerned glance and stepped into the office.
After a few minutes, I reentered the art room and found the kid's knees propped up on a stool and his head submerged in a now-full-of-water sink.
He wasn't moving.
What?
"What the hell? No, like, really, what the fuck were you thinking?" There was still some water coming out of his mouth, but I knew he'd be okay. Well, he had his eyes open at least. "No, please, please, tell me: on what fucking planet is that okay!"
"Je suis une tortue illegale." His voice sounded rough and that's about how he looked, too.
"WHAT?" I was loud and making a huge fuss, but, in my defense, the kid had just tried to off himself. And I would have been to blame!
"Je… suis…." He trailed off, looking around as if we had suddenly found ourselves in the Sistine Chapel.
"ENGLISH!" He had worried me something nasty, okay.
"I am an illegal turtle." The blonde freak at least had the decency to look befuddled as he said this.
"Right." He was definitely out to lunch. Probably permanently out to lunch, if you know what I mean. "Uh, I'm gonna go get you a towel. You had better sit right there and don't you dare go back over to that sink again!"
"Okay, so I found two. Do you want the purple towel, or the green one? The green one would bring out your eyes, but the purple one would go well with your jacket, so…." My voice petered out. He was asleep. He was just splayed out on the floor, all wet and stuff. Sheesh.
For some reason, I thought it would be a good idea to put the little dude in my car. Once I had finally dragged the sac with blonde hair into my car (getting some weary looks from the janitors), successfully dampening my beautiful car interior, despite my valiant efforts to place the towels inventively, I was off and driving away from school. Then, I realized I had no fucking clue who this kid was or where he lived. That was not good.
I pulled out my phone and called trusty, old speed-dial Number One. N.O. always knew what to do.
"Hey Namine, I heard you're out with mono, that's a doozy. Who was the lucky guy? Or was it a lady? You know I'll love you no matter what, babe. Just make sure the only virus you get is mono, I don't want you giving me AIDs, darling."
"Hahaha, you're so funny, Axel. Did you win a Halo Award for that speech? You're charming, really. We both know your cousin gave Namine mono. I bet he licked all those cookies he gave us. I'm farting in his drink the next time we eat with him." That was undeniably not the voice I was expecting.
"Oh, shut up Riku, and give the phone to The Almighty Namine. I need to ask her something." Riku is Namine's boyfriend. Not that I mind or anything, he's a pretty cool dude. I can see why she never has her hands off him.
"She's in the lady's room, taking care of lady things. May I take a message?" There was pained "ouch!" and some rustling.
"Hey, Axel. What do you need, honey?" Namine's sugar sweet voice flowed through the phone. I could enjoy listening to a speech about the systematic and violent deaths of puppies, as long as she was the one delivering it.
"Oh, Nam, just the woman I needed. You know everyone who has ever been in art ever, right?"
"Um, not really, but I-"
"Oh, delightful, okay, who is Roxas Lufver?"
"You mean Roxas Leferre?" Probably? I made an affirming noise. "Yeah, I know him."
"You are a goddess. Where does he live?"
"Well I don't know where he lives! I mean, how could I? He just moved here. Why do you want to know, anyway?" She was unquestionably suspicious.
"Well, long story short, he's wet and unconscious in the coffin area of my car, and I should probably dump him somewhere other than an alley."
"Oh my god, Axel, what did you do to him!"
"Nothing! Really, I just want to go home and slee-"
"Axel! Tell me what happened. Please." Her sugary voice made me weak.
"Uh, Okay. Well, I was making an innocent little sculpture with Demyx, you know, like we always do, and Ms. Leroy was all like, 'oh, Axel, I can't believe you keep making penis sculptures like OMG, now you have to help some kid whose bad at art and has suicidal tendencies or else'-"
"Suicidal tendencies?!"
"God, Namine, let me finish."
"Right, yeah, sorry,"
"And, then, I got there, to help him, you know. And he was trying to drown himself! In a sink! Like, worst way ever, right? And thank Shiva I was a lifeguard during the summer, or he might be dead! Anyway, I dried him off a little, cleaned up the place, made his sculpture look amazing, which I totally didn't have to do, by the way, and now he's vegging out in the back of my car. Gosh, the things I do for blondes."
"Oh. My. God. Axel, I cannot believe that happened. Is he okay? Does he need to go to the hospital?"
"I think he'll be okay. He was speaking Italian or something earlier, but he seemed to get what was happening before he fell asleep. He didn't hit his head or anything." At least, I hope not. "More importantly, what am I supposed to do with him? I looked through his phone earlier, for his mom or something, but everything was in German. Baby, what do I do?"
"Let me ask Sora something, alright?" Sora was her super fun older brother-who-didn't-really-approve-of-me. "Here, amuse Riku." There was another "ouch" and some rustling.
"So I hear that you have a wet blonde in your trunk. Nice catch." Never mind what I said about Riku earlier. He's a self-righteous prick.
Tune in next time for more sub-par story-line and maybe some character development possibly!
Anyway, please review! Tell me what you like, what you don't like, what I should do with this, who should do this! Tell me about your day! Anything!