Disclaimer: I don't own them. I just own the feels.
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"Have you ever felt pain so intense that it left your throat burning as you gasp for air that turned out to pierce your lungs like a million tiny needles?" Golden eyes held my gaze with so much sadness, and love that it made my heart clench.
"And so numb at the same time that you could have your skin peeled off you, inch by inch and yet feel nothing and watch in silent, masochistic agony as blood ooze from every wound?"
I get it. I'm a bastard. I have nothing in my records to act as a saving grace. I cheat. I lie. But why does this confrontation made me feel like my world is crumbling underneath my feet? I should've expected this to happen sooner...but...
A smile...so jaded and yet still so beautiful. I could almost remember the day I first gazed at him. Ryoma Echizen. Right then and there, I knew that I have to have him. I want him. And I knew everybody else wanted him too.
But he's mine.
The journey towards that goal was not easy. He wasn't an easy bird to catch but I did. I remembered the day he become mine. I was so elated. It was like gaining a trophy. I made him fall in love.
"Because that's what I'm feeling right now."
I made him fall.
"Say something...Seiichi...please..."
There it was...the begging. How I reveled at the power that single word gave me. The mighty, powerful Echizen Ryoma begging at my feet...for love...for pleasure. Maybe it was the power, that I soon lost interest at how easy it was for me to subdue this beautiful, wild beast. I wasn't challenged anymore.
I watched how his eyes glassed over with tears unshed. I was secretly hoping they would soon fall down his sculpted face. I feel like it would release something...some tension...from my stomach if I see him break his composure.
But it didn't. No tear fell. He just stood there, still smiling yet looking so forlorn. It must be from the days of nonstop crying. He learned how to keep them at bay. I could see how the edges of his lips quivered; fighting to frown, but he maintained his smile.
He looked so pathetic and ethereal that it's killing me. Did I really do this to him? Four months of being together had reduced him to this.
I did this to him.
His skinny, trembling hands reached out for mine. I hesitated. If I hold him, I fear that I would finally crush whatever's left in him. I will destroy him.
Seeing my reluctance, he slowly withdrew his hands. I finally looked away. I cannot watch his pride, or whatever's left of it, wither away. The guilt that's been eating at my conscience was growing by the second.
I want out...I don't want to be here.
"Ryoma you see—"
I heard rustling of fabric. I really did my best not to look at him. I flinched at the warm touch. I noticed he put something in my hands. I was too surprised to check what it was. I was just gaping hard at him. It was the first time our skin touched after a week. I had been around lately, purposely avoiding him. So, the warmth from those finger tips were surprisingly haunting...and addicting.
"It's ok." with a shaky voice he replied. "Everything should be alright now." He tried to smile sweetly again, with his eyes, but the movements cause a tear to trickle down. He hastily wiped it away and took a step back.
He held his head high, the sun embracing his whole body, giving him an almost angelic silhouette. He was beautiful. Even in his pain, he was so, so beautiful.
"You see, loving you Seiichi was a joy...utter bliss that soon turned into torment so fast." He closed his eyes and more tears escaped. "But I wanted you to end it."
"Because I don't want to."
"I don't want to un-love you."
His words cut deep. It was true. I knew that he found out about my affairs. I wasn't so subtle to begin with. But he never came at me with anger. He actually tried to win me back but I was having so much fun...the game was so much fun.
"But it's ok now. You don't have to worry about that anymore." With one last painful smile he stepped back.
"See you later, Yukimura Seiichi... I guess." With this he walked away. "You're finally free now."
And with every step he took, he took with him a memory of our time together. He was so young and I did this to him. I watched his visage turned into a blurry under the hot sun.
It took me a while to move and realize that I still have something in my hands...something that he gave me. I opened my hand and there lay on my palm a single dark blue...no almost back fruit. It looked so cute and plump. It was unfamiliar at first. It could not be blue berry or something.
I held it in front of my eyes and studied it. It somehow looked familiar.
"Keep your mouth shut but I heard Fuji Syusuke procured a seedling of a very dangerous plant. He said he was adding it to his collection."
Fuji Syusuke, the tensai of Seigaku, was a close acquaintance of mine. So close that we practically fuck each other through the mattress every so often, especially when I want to get Ryoma out of my mind.
"Fuji Syusuke, secretly growing Nightshade in his room, now that's very dangerous."
My eyes widened as I stared at the fruit in utter disbelief. I threw away the dreaded object instantly, fear and panic rising in my veins. My mind raced. Questions after questions strung together inside my head.
Why does Ryoma have a nightshade fruit? Where did he get it? More importantly, why did he give it to me?
Possible answers were a jumble in my head. Was Ryoma doing this to get back at me? Is he trying to kill me by giving this to me? Anger started to boil inside my stomach. How dare he?
Then another thought came to me. He must've gotten this from Fuji. Worry flooded into my system. Is the tensai safe? How was Ryoma able to get a sample?
Without second thought, I took out my phone and dialed Fuji's number. I was nothing but a bundle of nervous energy while waiting for the said person to pick up. What if something happened to him too?
"Don't tell me you're still horny Yukimura." Came the familiar lazy drawl from the blue-eyed boy. "Were you not tired at all?"
Relief flooded my heart when I heard his voice. He was alive. "Oh boy am I glad to hear from you." I palmed my face, regretting it instantly as I remembered holding the cursed Nightshade for a while.
"Awww...missed me already? You little pervert."
"Shut it Fuji. I called to ask if you ever gave Ryoma access to you nightshade plant." I asked. I stood up, craning my neck to see if Ryoma's anywhere nearby. If he was planning to kill me, he should be close by to see the result...but he wasn't. He was nowhere to be found.
"My nightshade? Of course not! No one knows where I grow it. Not even you or my family."
I bit my lip as I worried my brain. So how did the golden-eyed boy procure it?
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"I don't want to un-love you."
Pretty words that cut so deep when reality's slapped back to your face. He doesn't want to un-love me. I didn't understand it at first. What he meant was he wants to continue loving me on his own...in his sleep...even in death.
Stubborn Ryoma. If one thing's still true in this crazy mess, that was it. He never intended to kill me. The nightshade he gave me...was supposed to be his salvation. Had I noticed sooner...had I—
No. Lies...all of it. He wasn't even the first person I called when I realized that I was holding a nightshade. I even suspected him of attempted murder. I'm...I'm a low life. Nothing more...nothing less.
Now, three weeks after that fateful afternoon, I stood before his grave. The shock from learning of his death crippled me...seeing him now, a mere cold headstone, devastated me. No one told me. No one breathed a thing like it was all planned out.
No one warned me...so I could've stopped him.
They said he just slept that night...off to a dreamless sleep, peaceful even. Only that he never woke up. They said it was from Nightshade poisoning. Apparently he took a few fruits from the plant that they were cultivating in a scientific greenhouse where he was working part-time. He injected himself with a concentrated extract of the plant and went to sleep. What was he thinking? He was too young...too promising.
Now I stand here, before him feeling like an entity worse than a worm. But I could never apologize. I will never be given the chance to redeem myself...if there's something worth redeeming.
Ryoma took the sweetest form of vengeance after all. He denied me reprieve. He shall take my sin and pass on to the next void. I'm never allowed to repent.
I shall carry this... this poison in my heart forever. Beautiful but deadly...just like a Nightshade.
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Nightshade = Belladonna
A/N: The self-proclaimed Queen of Ryoma-angst is baaaacccckkkkkkkkkkkk! Still alive but not just kicking in the fanfiction world. Seriously, if you work in a morose environment like mine, all created juices will be sucked dry. Sorry guys. I still love you!
As usual...please review! ^_^