A/N;- As Tony Stark says, "Oh, it's good to be back!" (to the fandom.). This story is hopefully multi chapter, based on Pepper and the other Avengers anguish over Tony's absence, and I wanted to explore what life would be like after Infinity War from the perspective of someone who didn't go through the whole thing of how it exactly happened. A normal survivor's point of view. Enjoy. Please leave reviews!
Pepper is a wreck. There's not much her body allows her to do besides bawling and working furiously, although most of her work includes finding out the health status of everyone she's ever heard of or known. She's already tried screaming and letting her pain out in a healthy way at inanimate objects, like You and Dummy, which makes her feel guilty because they don't feel too inanimate, and its then that Pepper realises just how far she's really thrown herself into Tony's lifestyle. So she can't yell at the bots, and she would yell at Fury, but he, according to a few agents she ran into at the HQ of SHIELD, is now a pile of dust, along with Hill. She didn't really care too much for the Director and his flippant and secret attitude, but polite as she is, she still offers her sympathy in the form of a tight smile, which quickly fades when she's found out that Steve, Natasha, Bruce, even Thor are all present and accounted for. It feels unfair that a God is safe and sound on earth while Tony is stranded in the galaxy, or maybe even-no, she's not going to that place, she decides. Hill however, was a charming woman, one she'd shared many coffees with, and even once taken shopping. They'd bonded over a mutual exasperation for the men who just can't get anything done with their gigantic egos colliding. They'd even reached the point where she'd gotten the agent to bashfully admit she had a bit of a crush on Steve. A tear slips down her cheek. Pepper just has that aura about her, she can get anyone to spill their deepest secrets. Maria had fondly told her she'd do great as an interrogator. It amazes her how she can cry for Maria but not for Tony.
She sits in the drawing room of the HQ, fingers rattling across the keyboard of her laptop, emailing every higher power she knows to find out their status. She keeps a notepad next to her, a list of people's names. Next to it so far, deceased,is written seven times, the secretary coming every now and then to check on her. Pepper uses her air of authority to her advantage, as well as her heels, towering over her the third time she comes in with a cup of coffee, demanding to see the highest in charge. The poor woman, hands shivering, Pepper notices, tells her in a shaky voice that she doesn't know, since most of them are dead. It's marvellously terrifying, what this creature can do, she thinks, what he's done. Pepper's own distant relatives were safe, as far as she knows, from a quick call or two, but to her knowledge, almost half the population has been wiped out. It's sickeningly familiar to Hitler's ideals. It's genocide. So many people dead, all because a mad titan had the stupidest idea ever, but the power and mental instability to carry it out. The thought doesn't even want to stay in her body, forcing its way out as Pepper queasily makes her way to the closest bathroom and wretches her guts out. Tears of frustration begin to bubble again as she rests her head on the cool porcelain. She's been here for almost a day, and she's gotten zip out of anybody. She can't seem to get ahold of Natasha or anyone else, and no one seems to know anything.
She lifts her body up and takes a deep breath, crinkling her nose at the smell. She digs around her jacket pocket, finding a box of mints she always keeps on hand. She pops one in her mouth and steels herself as she walks out. She makes up her mind to go visit Rhodey at the hospice centre. She's avoided seeing him until now, even though she and the colonel are incredibly close, she's been so caught up in Tony, Tony, Tony, she hasn't had a second to process anything else. Now seems to be a good moment to pull herself together and assess everything. She pushes the door open and briskly walks down the brightly lit chrome hallway, taking a left and halting to see a bulky figure in navy blue waiting for the elevator. She notices his bearded profile before he turns and she softly gasps.
"Pepper." Steve says gently. Pepper clears her throat. He looks different. Jagged in a way. His cold blonde locks have grown out wildly into a brownish blonde and he's sporting a shaggy beard. She finds herself spitefully thinking how it isn't his look when she shamefully remembers he probably didn't have time to shave.
"Steve. You look-" She starts.
"Terrible. I know." He says, mouth twisting up a bit. He reaches up to touch his beard. He looks wildly uncomfortable. Apocalypse aside, Pepper's chilly attitude bounces off of the walls around them. He shifts under Pepper's stare. "You know I had to do what I did, right? I'm really sorry."
Pepper knows exactly what he's referring to. Now could be a time to forgive, but not to forget.
"You know," She begins, her tone sure and firm, as though she's practiced this in her head a hundred times, which she has,"I'm not mad you fought. I get it. Politics can divide. But the lying I can't forget." Steve's eyes are downcast, but they snap up at her words, in preparation to defend his actions, but he seems to think better of it and looks down again. The elevator doors open with a ding. They both get in without a word.
He goes in to press the same floor as her. Fifteen. Around the third floor, Steve quietly speaks.
"I am sorry, Pepper." His voice sounds slightly watery. Pepper bites her lip and looks up.
"I know." She says. Steve gazes at her with sympathy that she really doesn't want, because it'll envelope her and comfort her, but it will also knock her into reality. "I forgive you."
Pepper coughs, and takes another deep breath, feeling another wave of nausea hit her as she asks,"Do you know?About Tony?If-uh-if, he's safe?" She composes herself, crossing her arms around her. Steve looks apprehensive, as if really thinking hard about his answer. It does absolutely nothing to quell the ever-present panic that had reduced from a roar to a constant hum.
"We're finding out all we can. But,-"
Pepper's stomach lurches as the elevator halts at their floor. She stays in pace with Steve, matching his steps. "But there's a good chance he may have died too." She completes his sentence.
There it is, the elephant in the room. The words she's refused to acknowledge since this all happened. They're finally out. It feels shitty.
"We don't know that, Pepper." Steve says, trying to offer her some solace, backtracking on his own uncertainty. He's too polite sometimes and it just serves to rile up her temper. She manages to tamp it down though, as she simply excuses herself and marches into Rhodey's room. She waits to feel Captain's presence behind her, but it doesn't come. She turns to see him being intercepted by a blonde, willowy woman. The woman has her hand on his shoulder as she veers him away. He gives Pepper a sidelong glance before letting himself be led away. She takes in Rhodey's slumped and battered figure contrasting against the clean, bright room. It smells sterile and foreign, but for the first time in nearly a week, Pepper feels at ease. She gazes at one of her closest friends, in a mix of awe and sympathy. Time and time again, Tony's fought strong and extra terrestrial creatures as a goddamn hobby, constantly updating his knowledge and tech. Tony's always been, a genius, a super hero, someone recklessly willing to lay down his life for others. Though she'd never admit it, Tony's always been invincible in her eyes. Maybe that's why she's holding on to that delicate thread of hope. But Rhodey, he's always been cautious. And he may be of rank, but he's still only human. Yet, he took on a fight of such incredible power on the other side, she's plainly proud. And Pepper didn't think it was possible to respect him more. However, a part of her still wishes Tony were in an adjoining bed, next to his best friend, despite her pure relief at seeing Rhodey. Call it selfish love, or something. Thats how it is to love a manical genius who is currently up somewhere in space. Alive. Yes. Alive, definitely.
Rhodey stirs a bit before completely surfacing to consciousness. He blinks blearily at her figure at the door, and his hand trembles as he scrubs it across his face, and Pepper swears she's never seen him cry before. She rushes to his side, grasping his outstretched hand. Her own eyes grow a little watery again. The full force of their circumstances hits her like a ton of bricks. There was a fifty-fifty chance that either of them could have survived this.
"Pepper, you're, you're okay?"He says, not trusting his own eyes. Pepper nods and gives him a watery smile, gripping his hand a little tighter. "I mean, I've been in and out of consciousness since they got me here, I would've found out about you, but- "
"It's okay."
"How's Tony?" Rhodey asks, shifting on the bed to make room for her. Her hand goes slack in his and he winces subtly. It doesn't catch Pepper's attention.
"We don't know. I haven't been able to contact him."
"He's still-"
"Up in the big great galaxy? Yes, as far as we know."
"Pepper-" Rhodey says softly, eyes filled with the same look Steve had given her. Something in her snaps then and she grows a little annoyed. These people who Tony considers his friends aren't letting themselves mourn, instead searching for permission to do so by asking Pepper if she's mourning instead.
"Spare me the sympathy, James, I'm a big girl."
"I'm aware."
Rhodey doesn't take the bait, and she feels a bit stupid. Tony would fight back, at least. She quietly shifts closer and slings her arm across his midsection by way of apology. Rhodey strokes her hair gently. Pepper shuts her eyes and lets herself find comfort in his presence. They stay like that for a while, two friends desperately praying to any higher power that they would trade their life for Tony's safety.
"It's okay to panic, you know." Rhodey murmurs, after what seems like an eternity. Pepper raises her head from his chest to look up at him.
"What?" She asks, looking at him quizzically, squinting partially because she hasn't slept in god knows how long.
"It's fine to be scared. For him. Being scared and upset, all that stuff, doesn't mean he won't come back home safe. It doesn't mean that you've accepted that he's not coming."
How does this man always manage to be some empathic, Pepper wonders, her jaw slack. She blinks at him, this time allowing the hot tears to make their way out. She cries quietly, finally letting the fear and pain she's felt all the while, consume her. But only for a while, Pepper promises herself, then she has to be strong, for herself and her sanity. And for Tony. Rhodey pulls her into a bear hug.
"Thank you." Pepper whispers, rubbing his back.
She leaves the embrace, feeling inconsequently lighter, despite the fact that she's openly sobbing. It just feels good to be able to embrace that fear. To miss him for just a second, before the moment ends and she has to pull herself together. It feels like an escape, to cry for the man she's loved for so many years. Who might be gone forever.
Pepper wipes her eyes with her hands. "This is ridiculous." She remarks, sniffing." He was gone longer when he was in captivity, I have absolutely no reason to bawl like a baby." Other than now being his fiancee.
"It's Tony, he'd love the drama."
Pepper chuckles despite everything, then glances at her delicate wrist watch. It's almost 9 pm.
"Oh god, I didn't realise the time, I have to get in touch with the mayor."
"What for?" Rhodey asks, sitting up as she gathers her purse and slips her shoes back on.
"Clean up. That ship caused damage over thirty blocks."
"That's not your job, Pep."
It kind of was now. Her skills had earned her a reputation over here, mostly through Tony's boasting, but still. She'd offered to help with the legal side of things. To keep her mind off things. But also because she's Pepper, and an ignorant bone does not reside in her body. She can't turn a blind eye when things go south.
"They're understaffed. I offered to help. I can't be a sitting duck through this, James. They may not be my responsibility, but if I can help, I'll help." She's confused as to why her tone is so defensive but Rhodey seems to read between the lines, and doesn't question her further. Pepper's rather upset with herself for taking out all her confusion and irritation on her friend, but Rhodes is nothing if not understanding. God, Tony knows how to unhinge her even when he's not even in the same biosphere as her. She goes in for another hug before making for the door. Rhodey kisses her forehead, a gentle brotherly action that tugs at her.
"I'll come by later. Hopefully with some updates." Pepper says from the doorway." Sleep well."
4 hours, three coffees and a power bar later, Pepper manages to plow through 97 emails regarding the clean up crew, whereabouts of the Avengers, and whether this catastrophic event was related to New York's attack in anyway. Well those weren't all, but skimming it over, it seemed to be the gist of everything. For some glorious reason however, Pepper feels calm. She stretches her arms over her head, feeling the pop in her shoulders. She pulls off her jacket, then realises she hasn't showered in almost a day. And she needs another coffee. But that's just going to have to wait, she thinks, as she opens the 98th email on the SHIELD mail address. She barely glances at it before her eyes start drooping. She closes her eyes for a second, letting the exhaustion swamp over her. It feels welcoming and delicious. Maybe a short nap, Pepper thinks, but she never makes it to the couch, falling asleep with her head tucked between her folded arms, the cool glass of the table providing relief to her throbbing temple.
She dreams. Fitfully. Tony, floating, armour broken, eyes closed. In pain. Tony turning to ash. Tony kissing her in the park. Kissing her at home. Making her the world's worst omelet. Asking her to marry him. The overload of memories proves to be too much, jolting her from her sleep. Pepper glances at the clock next to her blearily, her eyes burning. 5 am. At least she slept through the night. Her neck twinges from sleeping awkwardly as she sits up straight. All of last night's work seems for naught, as the inbox seems to be over flooding again. Pepper is torn between attending to the rumble in her stomach or the frantic emails. Her stomach gripes in answer and Pepper decides the emails can wait, pushing herself up and away from the desk.
A quick trip home, a shower and a chicken salad do wonders for the pounding in her head and neck. Walking out of the apartment, she manages to catch a cab with such ease it frightens her. This is New York. Cabs aren't around willy nilly. The disappearance of half the planet will cause such events, though. Pepper ponders sadly, whether it'll always be like this. Living in a place that seems so normal, but has been affected by such destruction. She'll think about whenever she catches a cab, or when she never gets traffic on the freeway. When she's only third in line at Starbucks. The cab halts at security at the gate and she gets off and pays him, smiling gently. She's almost immediately blocked by the same blonde who veered Steve away that day. She has a gentle, kind face and it almost reminds her of Phil. Soft faces like these were not to be mistaken for innocent or nà ive. These faces had face the toughest of challenges. The woman smiles at her.
"We have cars, Mrs Stark, you know. To escort you off of the perimeter safely."
Pepper promptly stops walking. The world slows down again as Pepper rubs her temple. She makes a choice then, the choice to accept. She can lash out and maintain hope, or -
"It's Miss Potts, actually." She corrects softly.
Accept fate.
He's gone.