Anger. That must be the raw emotion running through my veins at this moment. Anger for letting this go too far too soon. For letting someone in and having them tear me out. Distancing myself from people came naturally and it was something I was good at. I suppose I cut them off at a certain point. That certain point being a four letter word that isn't permitted in my line of work. I hate myself for the sole fact that he got to me. He embedded himself in my heart and soul. He squeezed his way through my barrier and into a place that only occupied me, myself, and I. My thoughts, my feelings and most of all, my heart were now not only mine, but his as well. Just like his heart was mine to hold and to be locked away for safekeeping. We protected each other and had one another's best interest at heart. Sure, there were times that I wanted to concoct a painful death for him but I knew, in reality, that I could never harm him. He was my rock. Being in this kind of business, your main objective is to stay alive.
The brisk April air made me pull my loose cardigan tighter around my body. My arms were crossed across my chest, attempting to stay warm. I wasn't planning on taking a walk at the local sandy beach at six o'clock in the morning but when the air gets stuffy, you need to breath. My life is heading in a down ward spiral to the unknown and I'm not sure how to take it in. I made my way down to the low tide and took a seat along the water far enough not to get wet but close enough to reach out and touch the wave as it came ashore. I bent my and knees as my left hand traced the letter N in the sand repeatedly. My eyes were glued to the horizon as the sun peeked its head out of the ocean to say good morning to the world.
As an undercover agent, I've transformed myself into whatever character I was meant to portray. From the slender 22-year-old businesswoman who was hot headed and in control to a dainty 18 year old nobody meant for great things. These characters were all connected to a type of criminal activity. May it be theft, prostitution, gangs, or weapon carriers. I was always on the scene and ready to play my role in a movie that the good guys usually won. Usually. Being undercover, you don't morph your role to fit yourself; you morph yourself to fit the role. Which is exactly what I do, every time. This time, I faltered. I tumbled my way through this particular movie and it irked the hell outta me. I'm known, as one of the best and to be off my game is inexcusable. My feelings must be in check or it could potentially blow my cover or worse, cut me out of the movie completely.
By this point, the sun had completely risen and the lower crest of it was touching the ocean. 'Beautiful,' I thought to myself as I watched the image unfold. The sun shone a luminous yellow with a hint of orange lining the circle of fire. The heat warmed my face and I smiled. The sun symbolized a new beginning. A new day. Today was my day. My day to admit that I don't want to do this anymore. I want to love, be loved and by happy. But I have to finish my task at hand. Bring down the most powerful family in the drug world. Bring down crime leaders who have killed and corrupted people due to their own needs. Leaders who have drug shipments going in and out right under our noses. By bringing down this family, I risk losing the one thing that made me feel again. Correction: I risk losing the person that made me feel alive and made my heart restart with such a burst of adrenaline, I thought I was having a heart attack. I fell in love with my enemy and that realization hit me harder than a thousand bricks multiplied by a thousand and one. Nick Jonas snatched my heart and had no intention of giving it back.
With a content sigh, I ran my hands through the sand one last time before standing up and dusting the excess sand off of my clothes. I gazed into the water one last time before I turned back to the house. The house that housed one of the deadliest families known to the FBI. In that house held my enemy, my love and my destiny. 'Sammie, what have you gotten yourself into?' I let out a silent laugh as I treaded back to the house.