Its been so long and yet it seems like it was yesterday I thought to myself as I sat alone in my room.

Its been 4 years since I lost him and I just…..I just cant do it anymore.

I am tired of being strong.

I am tired of going another day without seeing him.

I don't want to walk around with a smile on my face pretending that everything's okay,….

….pretending that I don't hurt anymore.

What's the point anyway? I mean, if the world is cruel enough to take such a good person, such an amazing person, then what is the point in anything? The tears flow freely now. So much has happened. So much. He'd never see me graduate; never see me walk across that stage and take my diploma and wave at him -the person who helped me through it all. He'd never scold me when I had my first boyfriend. Now I can't help but smile. Last time I brought up the subject he basically spat out his coffee, saying that I'm too young to be thinking about such things.

Too young. But he was taken from me too young.

He wasn't that old, my aunt is a hundred and ten and she's still around, so why isn't he?

He wasn't sick.

He just had a doctor's appointment for God's sake! So why-why couldn't they save him?! Why couldn't they just bring him back home? I drop my head in my hands attempting to quiet my now uncontrollable sobs. "Why are you crying?" a voice asks breaking through the void. Its so familiar I don't bother to look up. Probably Benji, I guess her basketball practice ended early. Wiping the tears from my eyes I try and fail to respond before clearing my throat. "I'm fine I just...I just miss him so much. I know its been a couple years but...its just so hard." I shake my head angrily "Isn't this supposed to get easier? Aren't I supposed to be able to think about the memories, not that he died so damn early? The pain…..it just doesn't end."

They told me it would get better in time. That it would numb the pain.

All it did was take away my memories.

The warmth of his hugs. The smell of coffee that seemed to go with him everywhere he went. The sound of his laugh, the most beautiful sound in the world.

For fifteen years not a day would go by that I didn't hear that sound, and…now

I can't even remember it.

You didn't just take him,

I mentally scream to the supposed God I grew up hearing about

you took his memories too.

And now I just have this big hole in me. This….nothingness. I will never be whole again. Are you happy now? Whatever sick creature that sits on the edge of humanity, feeding off its pain. I hope you're enjoying this.

I felt the bed dip as the person (a male?) -okay so not Benji, maybe Eli, although how he could stay up past 3 after dance class is beyond me- gently responds "You lost someone you cared about. There is no set time you can get over it because you never get over someone you love." I really can't help it now, I curl into a ball at his side -an emotional wreck just barely able to get the words out. "I-it j...ust…it just hurts so m-much." "I know," he said hugging me. Of course he did, he lost someone too. It wasn't just me. You could hear the pain of loss in his voice. "But I promise you, the pain doesn't end, but it does get easier to carry."

All those good times were fading, blurred by time.

All of those beautiful moments.

But of course I remember that day clearly.

How those machines tore into him.

The way his skin almost matched the white color of the sheets.

How weak I was.

Fourteen years of faithfully loving me, taking care of me.

All those birthdays, all those recitals, all those performances –all of those times that he showed

how much he cared about me.

And how do I repay him? By not even entering the room.

To weak to even say one word to the one person who was always there for me.

I say it, because I need to. "I just...I just wish I got to say goodbye."

I hopelessly try to keep my tears from falling on his suit...suit?

Eli never wears a suit.

So who is….?

I raise my head and blink back the tears and stare into my comforter's face. As my vision clears I see him; floppy brown hair, sideburns, and brown suit paired with a brown coat. I gasp but something told me it was him, somehow I knew it was the Doctor. He smiles at me, with a knowing glint in his eyes. "Well then," he says, gently wiping a tear from my cheek "I can do that."

I must have fallen asleep.

My subconscious mind sees the pain I'm going through and sent me a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on.

A small but blissful break from the reality that is an existence without my grandfather.

So I let him lead me to the TARDIS, through the doors and into the console room that I had seen countless times before. He sets the destination and that familiar whoosing sound is heard -clear as day even in a dream.

And now we're flying….No.…we're running.

How many times did I turn to this man, this Doctor, to run from this very pain?

I fall as we land, harder than expected. I cut my finger on the grated floor, a small red scratch that barely broke the skin. "Now then" He takes my hand and gently leads me outside….into the hospital.

Its all here.

I see the white tiles of the floor clearly under my slippers, the white walls, the smell of antiseptic….

the waiting room.

The room that I sat in as my family members went to give him their love, even for the last time.

The shrine to my pathetic excuse of an existence as a loving granddaughter.

I shrink back.

Its not a dream, its a nightmare.

I don't want to remember this. I don't want to relive the moment I betrayed him. But he didn't take me into the waiting room. He led me down a corridor and stops at the first door on the left. Its open, and inside….its him. He's lying on one of those hospital beds, covered in wires and tubes that are trying, and failing, to keep him alive.

He is so pale.

Gone is the charismatic man who brought happiness wherever he went, in its place a shadow that seemed to suck all the air from the room.

But…but he was still my grandfather.

I walked closer and took his hand. Warm.

Fight. Please fight this, I don't care if it's a dream. Just fight, come back, come back please.

I lift his hand a little too high and the I.V in his arm pulls taunt, causing the shadow to flinch. I quickly drop his hand, I could never cause him pain. I hear footsteps behind me -"Hold on," he says- and hear the buzzing of the Doctor's sonic. "There. Now you don't have to worry about moving the machines or hurting him."

I smile my appreciation.

I can't speak.

I only have so much strength in me before I completely break.

But I need to say it, I need to tell him.

I think he understands. He nods and makes to leave but then walks hesitant towards me. "He can't talk. The medicine is keeping him asleep so he doesn't feel any pain. But I can link you to him. It won't hurt him, but it will give you the chance to say your goodbye." I nod. Not once looking away from my grandfather. I can't. Its been so long since I've seen him and I didn't care if it is a dream. I hear the sonic beep again and the door close as the Doctor leaves, promising to be just outside.

I feel it.

A little pull.

I can feel him.

Like a hand reaching out in the darkness….

But…its fading.

He's leaving but I have to tell him I have to.

So I close my eyes and focus on him, on the fading presence.

"You were the best grand-"

I stop myself.

"You were the best father in the world. I say father and not grandfather because you were my dad."

I think of all those times my dad didn't show up.

Those meaningless phone calls.

The promises to make it up to me, just to be broken like the others.

All those times I cried to my grandfather, asking why he didn't love me.

Never seeing how my pain hurt him. Never seeing that I already had all the love I could ever need.

I tell him what I realized too late.

"God didn't need to give me a dad because he gave me you."

The tears chokes me.

The cracks are beginning to show.

I need to tell him before I completely lose it.

Even seeing him here, even with the link, it isn't enough.

I want him smiling, I want him healthy,….…I want him alive.

"I love you so much and ...I know you didn't want to tell me but I know your mom's stepfather,

I know we're not blood."

I show him -the echo of him that's still here- how I found mom's birth certificate, a different name listed as the male parent. "But you should have told me because I love you no matter what. Actually I love you more, if that's even possible." And thankfully, when I think of

the memories they come clearly.

Him teaching me how to ride my first bike.

I was too scared to let go so he just ran alongside me.

Even after I got the hang of it, he kept running with me. Always with me.

The Sundays he spent waking up early, on his only day off, just to get me pancakes because he knew how much I loved them.

The sound of his cheers echoing in the auditorium after my first play,

the loudest and proudest voice in the room.

Seeing the pride in his eyes and drowning in his warm hugs.

"You loved me. You loved me so much. You treated me like family, like your own daughter when you didn't have to, and I will never forget that."

More tears -happy ones- fall as I remember more.

The smell of his cooking on a lazy Sunday afternoon.

My running to him whenever he got home from work.

No matter how tired he was, he always picked me up and hugged me.

As if he were waiting the entire day just to get one of my hugs.

"You are such an amazing Father,"

Him kissing the scape on my knee. Him holding my hand when I went to the doctor.

"…Grandfather,"

The way he talked about me, with so much love, with so much pride.

"…Husband,"

How he would surprise my grandmother with flowers.

No particular reason other than to see her smile.

"…And friend."

The cheers of the neighborhood, announcing the arrival of "El Cubano,"

the sweetest man on the planet.

"You are too good for this world, so God is calling you back."

No wait.

I can feel it.

He's…..he's leaving.

The presence that was barely there in the first place, is fading.

"P-please….please don't forget us, because we'll always remember you.

Te quiero mucho Pappito"

Our little saying. I love you Grandpa. So much.

Nothing.

Just the cold and hard beeps of the machine as his heart slows down.

The final beats before it stops completely.

Maybe the link wasn't strong enough. Maybe it didn't matter, maybe I was too late.

I lean down and hug him.

Just one last time. One last time and then I'll be okay.

I kissed his cheek and finally let go.

As I was walking away I heard it. "Yo te quiro mas..."

I whirl around and run back to him.

It was faint, but it was there.

That last spark flared to life and all of a sudden I felt it, him, sending me so much love, feeling so much happiness and peace that all I can do is just stand there, holding on to him.

"Me alegro mucho," I whisper.

I can still feel it, that peace and love after he's gone. I carry it with me as I walk back to the Doctor. "It worked! He spoke to me, just for a minute. But it was him, he was there…and…and he heard me." He fought just to tell me he loved me more. I pull the Doctor into a hug, feeling so much joy and happiness after so long, so much sadness and emptiness that I need to share it. I am delirious and I don't care.

"He heard me" I repeat with a smile, a real smile.

How long has it been since I've made one of those?

"It was him. He's okay."

The Doctor gently takes my hand and pulls me back to the TARDIS.

I thank him and try to keep my eyes open.

But I feel so…light.

I can breathe

I can breathe…..

I can be happy knowing that he's okay, and that weight that has been with me,

that unbearable despair,

is finally lifted.

I close my eyes and float in the love and happiness that my grandfather sent me and the memories that he reawakened….

I open my eyes and pull the bed sheets off of my body. Just a dream, oh but what a dream it was. I can still feel it. How much my grandfather was saying. The way he scolded himself for not telling me, believing that anything would cause me not to love him anymore. The joy from reliving all of the moments we spent together.

I can do it.

I can go on.

Because I know that no matter what, he's still here.

Still running beside me as I fly.

I rub my eyes. "Ow" I squeak, accidentally digging my bandaged finger into my eyelid. I probably scratched it against my bureau again. I smile. Mom probably came in to check on me and saw it and covered it while I was sleeping.

I remove the band-aid and look at my finger, now healed.

Like me I can't help but think to myself.

I crumple the band-aid and throw it in the trash.

Funny, I didn't know we had TARDIS blue band-aids.

I get up and get dressed.

And now I head out the door, ready to take on the world and whatever it throws at me.

You were the best Grandfather I could have had. I lost you four years ago today
But no, I really didn't.
You just had to go away for a while.
I'm sorry it took me so long to realize that.
i will always love and miss you.
Rest in Peace