Title – "Priming the pump
Author – Nan
Spoilers – Everything and especially the series finale "Fair Winds and Following Seas."
Author's Notes – Yeah, yeah – you are probably sick to death of missing scenes from the series finale FWFS. But I've always been somewhat bothered by the less than smooth transition in that episode. Remember the lunch Mac had with Harriet and she told her that she was looking forward to her new command? Excited, no less. Then the next scene we see Mac in Harm's apartment talking about marriage.
So I ask this question – what happened to change her mind? Why did she finally go see Harm after turning him down at the admiral's dining out and later at Webb's family retreat? Here is what I think happened. Enjoy.
Lunch with Harriet is over but Mac has yet to visit Harm. She has an errand first.
Mac turned off Benfield Road at the sign that said "Severna Park High School" and looked around for a place to park. The school was belching students – she must have just missed the dismissal bell. She slid into a space freshly vacated by a senior's black Jetta.
To be here at this time when she had so much to do at home and at the office was admittedly a little nutty. Her mind was churning with mental 'to do lists.' She hadn't even begun to dismantle the Georgetown apartment. And she had a half dozen relocation offers out to fellow staff members.
But somehow, this little errand had bubbled to the surface of her ever deepening millpond. There was this need to touch base with the man whose mark was indelibly stamp on eight years of her life. She stood and scanned the school fields for the base ball diamond. Ahhh, there it was – next to the football field and the track.
And there he was - on the top row of bleachers, attentively studying the students of the varsity ball team going through a warm-up regime. Retired Rear Admiral AJ Chegwidden appeared almost to be meditating. Casually dressed in khaki shorts, hunched forward, elbows on knees with his chin resting on his tented hands – he was concentrating. Mac was nearly upon him before he acknowledged her presence.
"Admiral," she smiled back and held out her hand.
Ignoring the hand, he surprised her by standing and taking her into a warm hug. "Mac," he said. "It's good to see you."
"You too, Admiral." She felt pleased as she returned the hug and then settled down on the bleacher beside him. He looked good; trim and tanned.
He went back to watching the team. Mac smiled, "I hate to ask but – what are we doing here?"
He snorted and grinned. "What else - baseball. I'm here today on the request of the coach from Annapolis. A kid here with a good arm has made the list of plebes for the upcoming year. Coach wants my opinion on how we might use him next season."
Mac looked out at the field of athletes. "You're coaching at Annapolis?"
"Not yet. Not officially anyway." said the Admiral. "But they let me help out with scouting and pitching practice. I'm at Annapolis any way – teaching that introductory law course."
"Retirement," said Mac. "Sounds like it is not so bad after all?"
"There was a little adjusting. Of course the trip with my daughter helped. Showing her the US as we traveled around to different ball parks. That was fun," he smiled.
"All I remember is that you came back with a good tan while the rest of us were buried under a pile of Sturgis' inspired paperwork."
"Ah, yes – one of my last command decisions – put Turner in charge. Sturgis always did want senior attorney status," he smiled. "So I gave it to him. Cause any problems?"
"Oh no, sir," lied Mac. "Commander Turner made the perfect interim boss. We all thought he was wonderful."
"I bet." The former seal snickered. "After Marcella went back to Italy, I found myself with nothing to do. I started to miss the people; the activity at JAG."
"Funny," said Mac, "at your retirement party - you acted like you couldn't get out of the Navy fast enough."
"The Navy was pretty much all I did - all I was - for over 35 years. It was hard to let go."
"What happened to 'never look back' admiral?" said Mac.
"Well, I must admit – every time I thought about you and Rabb bickering over a case; I felt better," he said. "Bit by bit, overtime, I got into things I enjoy doing. Baseball; a little teaching. But I'll admit – I haven't yet broken the habit of thinking about JAG most days."
"Feeling is mutual, sir. There are a lot people at JAG who still think about you," said Mac. "I hear you have done a few projects for SecNav."
"I take only the assignments I want. 'Retired' Admiral's Privilege - you might say," he said. "How about you? I was happy to hear about your new assignment."
"I'm happy with it too," she smiled broadly.
The Navy's former JAG smiled back and returned attention to the field.
"Admiral," she started sincerely and solemnly. This was the reason she came, after all. "I want to thank you. For all your support for while at JAG and since then. I could have never got to this point without you."
He was still smiling as he shot her a quick sidelong glance and countered. "I didn't get you your command, Mac. You earned that yourself."
"Still, thank you." She fell silent unable to express deeper emotions.
There was only the 'scmuck' sound as baseballs hit leather gloves in a random staccato. The mid afternoon sunshine beat down on them. The Admiral narrowed his eyes and said "You sound surprised about the promotion."
"The whole thing was a complete surprise. Sure, I've thought about a command of my own for years. Yet this one, I never saw coming." Cresswell's announcement in the boardroom two days ago still had an unreal quality about it. Mac shook her head in disbelief. "San Diego will be a new place for me. Of course I've visited there but living on the West Coast will be different. Should be fun."
"It's a much sought after posting. No winter snow storms, beaches, surf and ocean," smiled the admiral.
"To be completely honest, sir – I've been a little reluctant about the concept of moving from JAG and Washington lately," said Mac.
"Really?" said the admiral. "That doesn't sound like you. Whatever happened to the kick-ass Semper Fi marine?"
"Well, I guess she got sidetracked by a few things over the past 18 months."
"Harriet mentioned something to me about this."
"She did?" said Mac, surprised.
"You were a mess, or so Harriet said." said the admiral.
"That was true - for a while," she said. "I'm over it now."
Our favorite spook's fake death and betrayal didn't help, I'll wager. Harriet also mentioned that you went through some health issues." She felt him studying her face as he spoke.
"Yeah," she agreed. "Combine that with a little residual PTSD – and I found myself going back to that psychiatrist. Remember the one you ordered me to go to the winter before you retired?
"What was her name? Commander McMuffin? Getting you to go there the first time was like pulling teeth," snorted the admiral. "So I guess Harriet didn't exaggerate, you must have been a mess."
"It was Commander McCool and I'm okay – now," she said.
"I know." There was approval in his voice. The admiral knew what it was like to stand on the brink and pull yourself back.
Both of them were silent, watching the players take position around the diamond.
Following a different train of thought, Admiral Chegwidden changed the subject. "I hear Rabb has the Force Judge Advocate job in London."
"Ahhh, yes," she paused and then smiled impishly. "The newly minted 'Captain Rabb.'"
They both grinned. Mac could see the admiral was pleased at this development too. "There are worse candidates for the job," said Chegwidden in that non committal way so typical of his leadership style. "I can think of a few Brits who deserve the 'Captain.'"
"So can I," said Mac, thinking of a former MI5 agent.
"However, this does mean you aren't the senior officer anymore," he remarked shooting her a sidelong glance and a raised eyebrow.
"He was the senior officer when I first arrived at JAG," noted Mac - not rising to the admiral's well placed bait. There was a time when she would have sulked over such a development. But now, she was genuinely proud of her best friend's good fortune.
"So he was," said the Admiral. "A lot of water has passed under the bridge since then."
"Have you talked to Harm?" asked Mac. "Since his promotion?"
At that, the admiral looked at her. "No."
Mac felt compelled to make a quick excuse. "Oh, I'm sure he will call, sir. He's been busy and he has a tight deadline …"
Chegwidden cut her off. "I know he's busy, Mac. Don't worry about it."
Why was she defending her friend? Harm was certainly capable of calling, or not calling (as the case may be); his former commander in chief for almost nine consecutive years of his life. She certainly was not his apologist. But… she was uncharacteristically a little sensitive about this. All because of a little incident two years ago had changed the relationship between these two men - who at one time had been as close a father and son.
At the admiral's bidding, Harm had been forced to resign his commission from the Navy. And with that went the friendship two men had - even though the admiral had reinstated him six months later.
And no matter how hard she had worked to get Harm back to JAG; she seemed unable to bridge this final gap between the two men.
In a word - Paraguay. She mentally winced. Of all the cases, all the adventures, all the assignments – Paraguay was the bottom of the barrel.
Her new assignment and pending move from Washington had brought a lot of long buried memories to the surface. Many 'good times' at JAG (and most notably, with Harm) had flitted through her mind. The misadventure in Paraguay was not one of them.
Mac turned away. It had all been so ugly. Harm had resigned his commission and traveled 4000 miles to find her. She had been seconds away from being tortured in a most gruesome fashion if not for Harm's intervention. And despite that - the next day, she was buttering Webb's toast at breakfast – ignoring her best friend and savior.
Granted, she should cut herself a little slack. She had been mentally tortured and almost physically tortured by one of the all time sickest minds on the terrorist circuit. And to her defense - Harm did seem to waltz into Sadiq's compound, disable the threat and proceeded to free herself and Webb with an almost maddening ease.
It was only much later that Mac could see (admit?) what the whole fiasco had cost Harm. And one of the things had been the relationship between Chegwidden and his longest serving officer.
And this was something she desperately wanted to rectify. A sort of parting gesture of respect for two men she loved the most in this world. One has a father and one as a ….? Brother?
"Sir," she started slowly. "I think if you just talk to Harm; you'd find that he had changed. Not such a loose canon any more. I think being the guardian for Mattie helped. Settled him down, so to speak."
"Mac," said the admiral. "I'm not looking for relationship advice. Especially from you about the commander, er, captain."
Mac blushed slightly and looked away. "Harm and I are nothing more than friends."
"No one is disputing that," said the admiral, dryly.
Normally, Mac would have ignored such a comment. After all, speculation about the type of relationship between herself and her partner was a Navy tradition. Everyone who knew them had participated at one time or other.
But Admiral Chegwidden was different. She needed him, at least, to understand this incomprehensible connection that both bonded and divided her from her best friend.
"We have never been better friends, sir," she said. "Harm was there for me, in many ways, this past year."
The admiral snorted and said, "I don't doubt that, colonel."
"He's never wanted to go beyond friendship, sir," she said. How had she said it to Harriet at lunch today? Some men just never come around.
"Never?" said the admiral, raising an eyebrow.
"Well, maybe 'never' is an exaggeration but the only times he ever brought the idea up – the timing was abysmal. Like when I was about to get married to Mic or the day after I believed Clay was dead."
"Funny, usually the commander has impeccable timing," mused the admiral. "He propositioned you before your wedding to Mic?"
Mac trusted the admiral more than anyone and knew, for once, she could be straight. "In a manner of speaking – yes. It was out on your porch during our engagement party. He let it slip that he might have been interested in a more serious relationship."
"He let it slip?"
"Well, yeah. Unfortunately, when it comes to talking about me and him - Harm is very indirect. He never comes out and says what he is thinking."
"Have you ever told him how you felt?" asked the admiral.
"Yes! Well, of course. At least a couple of times, I'm sure," stammered Mac. She scanned her memory. Of course she had let Harm know. He did know how she felt! But when? "I can think of at least one time – in Sydney Harbor on a ferry."
"Ahhh, when you got engaged to Brumby," said the admiral.
"No! I didn't get engaged to Mic in Sydney! It was only a friendship ring at first, remember?" she raised her voice in protest.
"So Rabb turned you down and you went to Mic – is that how it happened?" asked Chegwidden.
"Yes! Well, sort of like that. It wasn't a turndown; rather a postponement. A 'not yet,' I think his words were.
The admiral shook his head. "No wonder Creswell decided to separate you two. Together? You just make a mess of things."
"Creswell talked to you about separating us?" Mac blinked and stared at the admiral.
"In a manner of speaking," confirmed the admiral.
"I swear, admiral, we have fought very little this year. Not like…"
"Not like when I was JAG? Thanks Mac. Nice to know you two saved the best for me."
"So why did General Creswell want to separate us?" Both she and Harm had an exemplary first year with the new JAG and it alarmed her to think Creswell might be disappointed in either of their performances.
"Relax, Mac," said Chegwidden. "In Creswell's eyes, you both lived up to the good recommendation I left with him. "But he – and I concurred – that the two of you were both in a 'holding pattern' of sorts. Going no where. And it was time to put an end to it. So here you are – going to San Diego and Harm to London."
Mac looked away, her mind racing. So that's it. Two commanding officers; one past and one present; believed that separating herself from Harm was a good thing. Good for both of them.
She felt numb. She honestly couldn't say how she felt about this. Was being separated from Harm the best option in the long run?
If so, then why did it feel like she was cutting off her right hand? Or more specifically, cutting her heart from her chest?
The admiral continue speaking, this time softly, "I tried to separate you two once before, remember?"
She turned to look at him, horrified. What was he referring to? Then it hit her like a ton of bricks.
"Paraguay," she gasped. "When you fired Harm…Is that why you wouldn't take him back?"
"Let's make this clear right now. I never fired Harm. He resigned and I just refused to reinstate him," said the admiral, hackles rising.
"But you had reinstated people who had resigned before," protested Mac.
"Like you, for example?" smirked the admiral.
"Yes, like me!" retorted Mac. Her patience was starting to wear thin. "You 'failed to reinstate' Harm because you thought we should be separated?"
"Partially," he said. "That – and the fact that Rabb kept quitting every time he didn't like a direct order to 'do nothing. I don't care how good a lawyer he was – he had to stop that."
Mac sputtered indignantly. "If he hadn't resigned – Webb and I would be both dead!"
"The DCI had told me you two were both dead – they were just waiting for confirmation."
"Well, the DCI was wrong!" said Mac.
"So it turned out. And Harm got you both out of there. Something I'll be eternally grateful for. But remember, he had made the decision when he went down there – that your life was worth more than his job. I just made him stick to that decision," he said.
Mac felt genuine anger at her former boss. "Harm had over twenty years invested in his career. You almost took it all away."
The admiral snorted and looked away – once again studying the athletes on the field. "Look Mac – Harm was the 'mess' so to speak. In the brig for the very public murder of Lieutenant Singer. Then there was Lindsay's public report that discredited JAG. Harm was a lightening rod for many of his accusations."
"So firing him was going to help him get over this?" Mac said incredulously.
"Especially after I talked with Gunny. He told me about your newfound relationship with Clayton Webb And he was particularly distressed by the level of the rancor between you two."
"Oh," said Mac, wincing internally. The admiral was aware of the bickering that went on between them in Paraguay?
"Harm worked a lot of things through when he went on his hiatus. It was a good decision."
"You weren't so sure at the time," observed Mac tartly. "As I recall, you were particularly prickly."
"Careful," warned the admiral.
"It was a new relationship when he came back," mused Mac. "Don't you miss it, sir? You and Harm. How the two of you used to be?"
"Not really. Life goes on. Harm and I have a good relationship, even now," he said. "Of all his faults – holding a grudge has never been one. Am I right, Colonel?"
He was referring, once again, to her relationship with Harm. It was true; he never held a grudge over the incident in Paraguay.
"Well yes, sir, that's it, I guess. One happy family. We all go our separate ways. No regrets, no grudges," said Mac.
"If that's the way you want it," agreed the admiral. "A new chapter, so to speak. For both of you."
"I'm looking forward to San Diego," said Mac, looking off into the distance. "It'll be exciting, putting together a new command from scratch."
"You'll be good at it," said the admiral.
The next remark came out in a rush. "Why are you so convinced that Harm wants more?"
"More what?"
"You know - a relationship. With me. He never says that he does. Want me, that is," There she said it.
"Come on Mac - you've had the man hooked from the first day he met you," said the admiral.
"The first day I met Harm, he thought I was Diane Schonke," said Mac.
"Who?" quizzed the admiral.
"That dead girlfriend who looked like me," she said.
"Oh yeah," said the admiral. "Perhaps, I guess. For awhile maybe. But I knew you had him the day he shot that damn rifle at the roof of my damn JAG courtroom."
"So why has it taken so long?"
"Damn man's too stubborn. Plus he's scared."
"Scared of me?" said Mac.
"Scared you'll laugh at him. Scared something will happen to you. Scared that he'll have to give up his career to be with you. Scared you'll have to give up your career to be with him," said the admiral. "And then there's the big one."
"The big one, sir?" asked Mac.
"Scared that after all you two have been through; done with each other; done to each other – that somehow you no longer love him," said the admiral quietly. "Do you?"
She sat there silent for a long period of time, beside the admiral, hunched over on a high school bleacher watching a game of pickup baseball. There was symmetry to it all. Players in their white uniforms against the green of the grass and the blue of the sky.
Finally she said, "I need to go now sir."
Admiral Chegwidden, former Judge Advocate General of the US Navy, smiled. "I know you do. Drive carefully."
"I want to thank you, sir, for everything. Once again."
"Keep in touch," said the admiral. "Say hi to Harm for me, will you?"
(And voila, Mac drives directly to Harm's apartment – where she finds him packing his apartment… well, you know the rest!)