CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR THE SEASON 13 FINALE. DO NOT READ IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE SPOILED. THIS IS YOUR FINAL CHANCE TO TURN BACK!
A/N: Okay, I didn't plan to start writing again but here I am! This was inspired by something I saw on tumblr (which is 'reallyjustrebecca' by the way, please follow me, I have some pretty great random stuff on there ^_^ ) and so here is my new plan. This story is going to be a collection of one-shots based on the current canon that Ziva is 'dead'. I don't believe that at all but that is what my muse wants to write so wheyyy. If you want to know what I actually believe, then please read my story 'It Was Always Me And You' (and mayybbeee leave a review?) However, this is gonna be a collection of one-shots about Tony and Tali and just basically them vs life. I don't know when updates will come although if nobody likes it then I might not continue it but we'll see I guess. I'm hoping you guys like it and possible leave a review at the end? Thanks!
If You Loved Me (Why'd You Leave Me?)
-x-
When you said your last goodbye
I died a little bit inside
I lay in tears in bed all night
Alone without you by my side
~'All I Want' Kodaline
Prologue
This time it's Tony who cries on the flight.
Tali is asleep in the seat next to him, her head resting against the window. Her eyes had been full of wonder when they were flying over some town or other; all of the lights spelled a magic for her that Tony can simply not fathom. After that it hasn't taken her very long to cuddle up with her kehlehv and fall asleep.
It's not many tears at first. It was such a small thing that made him cry too. It was the sight of Tali, curled up into a little ball against the window, clutching her toy. In that moment, he had wanted to turn to Ziva and comment on how much she looked just like her. He had wanted to do that so much it made his heart ache and then the tears had just come from nowhere. Slowly and softly but there all the same.
Then it's more things. The thoughts assault his mind in a torrent of images that he will never get to share with Ziva. Tali's birthdays, Christmas, school shows, parent's evenings, first boyfriends and such. It hasn't really hit him until now; he is a single father. He has to do all of these things alone. He isn't sure he can but what other choice does he have? He is everything Tali has in the world. If he were to let her down, there would be nobody else for her to turn to and it makes his heart hurt even more than he thought possible.
Soon, he's crying openly, trying to stifle the sobs in a tissue so as not to wake his daughter. His daughter. He does love the sound of that. He still can't quite believe it. He loves her with everything he has and would gladly give up the world for her times over. A love of this intensity scares him in a way that bombs and bullets never has. This is as real has life has ever been to him and he's excited and terrified at the prospect.
He has a child. With Ziva. Ziva, who he loved oh so much and would give nearly anything to see again. Ziva, who he crawled across the world for and created an operation to avenge her. Ziva, who made him walk away from her on a devastating October night that he can never forget.
Why didn't she tell him? It's a question that will plague his mind until his death. He knows that Ziva is – was – very independent and he's all too aware of how she thought she was ruining his life. But a child. Their child. Surely she couldn't have thought that it was a good idea to keep Tali from him? If he had known Ziva was pregnant he would have been there. He would have done everything right. It hurts him that he'll never know what Tali was like in the almost two years since she was born. He wants to know how she felt as a baby, if that smile has looked like Ziva's since day one and if her kehlehv has always been her favourite teddy. He loves Ziva, he undoubtedly always will, but some part of him will always resent her for the decision she made.
However, he doesn't doubt that she was going to introduce him to Tali at some point. The fact that she knew his picture and knew he was her father proves that. Except at what point would he have met Tali? Would it have been a few months? A few years? Or would it have been when he got a knock on the door from an eighteen year-old Tali saying that he was her father?
He looks over again at the toddler, drooling all over the window, and shudders at the thought.
He wishes Ziva were here. He wants to kiss her and hold her to him and tell her how much he's missed her since he was made to walk away almost three years ago. He wants to berate her for keeping Tali from him. He wants to fight. He wants somebody to scream and cry and shout at about all of these emotions and he wants to vent.
More than anything, he just wants her to be alive.
He's not quite sure what they're going to do in Israel. He doesn't want to go but he feels like he owes it to Tali. He's not sure when, or if, they'll be back after this visit. Mostly, he just wants to get to know his daughter. They have a lot of catching up to do.
He's still sobbing into the tissue when the pilot comes over the intercom and tells them to buckle up as they'll be encountering some turbulence soon. The loud announcement startles Tali awake and she immediately begins to cry, calling for Ima.
Tony reaches over to buckle her seatbelt and then smooths her hair away from her forehead. "Shh. It's okay. I'm here," he murmurs.
"Aba," Tali murmurs sleepily and cuddles into him, falling back asleep.
"Yeah, that's right, Tali. Aba's here." He kisses her atop of her curly hair as her little starfish hand grabs on to his shirt and she falls even deeper into sleep.
Tony falls asleep, needing Tali just as much as she needs him, as their plane continues to fly on throughout the night.