She left.
After everything, she left.
And that's when I realized the meaning of her first words to me.
You can only be really punished, by someone you love.
That's what she said to me the first time we met.
And god, do I feel punished.
The day we met, was a rainy day. Looking back, maybe it was a warning. A warning that I should have taken into consideration. Maybe.
I was in the library reading a rather interesting book, sitting comfortably in an individual couch when she peaked over my shoulder.
"You can only be really punished, by someone you love." She said when I looked up at her.
Oh, I can't describe what I felt in that moment. I really don't know. Even today, I can't really explain it. She was so beautiful and full of light. Her smile was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my entire life.
I just stared at her in awe.
"It's my favorite line from that book." She continued, tilting her head to the book in my hands, when I dumbly just continued to stare. "It's also my favorite book. I've read it a million times." She seated in the sofa next to me and I remember clearly like it was yesterday that I cursed myself for not sitting in a longer sofa.
Haha. I know it's a dumb thing to think about. But that's what passed through my mind.
I got nervous and couldn't think of anything to say back. I realized she was getting uncomfortable with my silence. So I spoke without thinking. "That many huh?"
I cursed myself again. For being such an idiot. I was mortified. But she just laughed. "Maybe more. I'm Caroline, by the way. What's your name?"
"Klaus. I mean, it's Nicklaus, but I prefer just Klaus, or Nick. Whatever you prefer." I babbled. I was so damn nervous. Haha.
And that's how it started. The best and worst thing in my life.
We had exchanged numbers that day, in the library and spoke every day. About the book. About nature. About our lives. About the universe. About the beauty in the world. Everything. And what a beautiful thing that was. To be able to talk to someone that way. It's a rare thing, you know?
We didn't agree on everything. Actually I think we agreed as much as we disagreed. But when we disagreed, we didn't fight about it. We talked about it. We discussed it.
We wouldn't get to an agreement every time, which probably meant we would just discuss it again in another day, maybe even later that same day.
And it worked for us. Oh, it worked so well.
*What do you think about the universe?* She would ask.
*What about it?*
*I just think there's so much out there that we don't know about.*
*True. But I think that what we've already seen is quite a lot.*
*Yes, it is. But I wouldn't want to stop just because we've seen a lot. Actually, we've seen nothing compared to what there's yet to see.*
*I guess. But if you keep thinking about what you can't see yet. You'll miss everything that you already can.*
*Like what?*
*Don't you think there's so much beauty in our world? Look at the forests, the view of the starry sky, children playing in the snow, see the people you love gathered around the Christmas tree laughing and exchanging presents. There's a lot of beauty around us.*
*Wow. Okay, you're right. But I still want to see what's beyond what we've already seen.*
*And that's okay. If you don't miss the little things that are already there.*
*I don't think I do.*
We've talked through the phone only, for a couple weeks. And it was good for us. It was enough. It was what we needed at the time.
But times change and we started meeting in person.
I was nervous because, what if everything we have through the phone won't be there in real life? But I knew that our friendship couldn't last forever if it was through the phone only. So I gathered all my courage and met het in a small café.
She picked the place and when I got there, I immediately loved the ambiance. It had everything to do with her personality. It was amazing.
After that we continued meeting every time we could. And we still talked through the phone as well.
One night, we were lying on the roof of my house. With a comfortable silence between us. We were just stargazing. And it was good.
After a moment she turns her head to me and stared.
When I couldn't stand to feel her gaze in my skin anymore, I smile and look at her. "What's on your mind?"
"What do you think that happens? After we die?" And I remember feeling shocked. Death was not a subject we had approached before. It felt like it was a line that we didn't want to cross. I still don't know why at the day of today.
I looked back at the sky, thinking of an answer to that. But my mind wasn't providing me any theory. So, "I don't know." is all I say.
"Don't you even think about it?"
"I guess. But I like to think that we don't have to worry about that. When there's life there's no death and when there's death, there's no more life."
"It's not that simple."
"If you want to think about it that way… I mean, if you think about it, you start dying from the moment you are born. Each second is a second closer to your death."
"God, that's depressing."
"Yes, it is. That's why I don't think about it that way. Enjoy life while you have it, until you don't. We're not forever."
"I can't. I can't just not think about what happens after. Is death just me not existing anymore? Is there a whole other world of afterlife? I d- I don't know."
"But, why ask those questions at all? You'll only know when you die. There is no other way to find out. When the time comes, you'll know."
And that was all we said about the subject. After that the silence fell back over us and I accepted it. It was comforting.
I should know better.
We started dating not long after that. And just like many things that involve her, I couldn't and still can't explain what I felt when we first kissed. It was beyond anything I had felt before. And it was so good.
And the fact that I could repeat it over and over again? I was in paradise. I was sure of it. And I didn't want to leave. Ever.
But of course life doesn't give you just good things. Life is a horrible thing when it wants to be.
Exactly two years, five months and twenty-three days after that, she told me the one thing that would change our lives forever. We were lying in the roof, like we had so many times before.
"Nick, I have to tell you something." She sat straight and leaned her back against the wall.
I will never forget that day. Not until the day I die.
"What's the matter?" I sat too, in front of her.
She looked up at the sky, struggling to not let the tears fall from her face.
"Hey, hey. It's okay. Just talk to me." I went to her side and hugged her, whispering into her hair. She hugged me back and put her face in my chest.
"I'm dying Nick." She whispered. It was bare- Sorry, I'm just a little… it's not something I talk about every day – It was barely audible. But I heard it. I heard every word.
But I still couldn't process what exactly I did heard. "What?"
She took a moment, probably gathering the strength to look back at me. And when she did, the tears were already falling from her beautiful face.
I remember thinking that it did not look good on her. Sadness. Sadness didn't suit her. She was always so full of light and happiness and everything good. Sadness didn't suit her at all.
"I'm dying."
"What do you mean you're dying?" I could feel the tears in my eyes, about to fall. It was too much. That can't be right. I was in such denial. I couldn't accept that. It can't be.
Such a good person couldn't die so young. It's not right, you know?
"I- the doctor said I only have a few weeks left. He said I still had at least a year, last month. But something went wrong and I only have a few weeks." She talked like she was afraid of my reaction. I noticed that much.
"You already knew you were going to die last month?" I felt… betrayed… in that moment. Like my most precious belonging was stolen for me. And apparently, in a few weeks it was going to be. And the worst thing? Apparently there was nothing I could do about it.
Even though I felt those things, I couldn't actually get myself away from her. I couldn't even take my arms away from her. I just held her tight against me and she did too. Like if we let go. She would disappear.
"I did." Is all she said in return. She didn't tried to explain, or give me some excuse. She just answered.
And I appreciated it. I didn't want a why. I wanted a future.
There was no miracle. She didn't find some cure.
After three weeks, she left.
She never told me what the disease was. She didn't want me to know. She didn't want me to obsess over it.
She told me so, one day, after we had sex, we were in bed just relaxing and doing nothing and then I couldn't hold it in anymore and started talking about it.
"Please Nick. I want to enjoy every single second I have with you and feel good. I don't want you to obsess over it and lose the precious time I still have. I don't mind if you try to find out after I'm gone. But I hope you don't do it. I want you to live Nick. Promise me you'll live."
I felt the tears in my eyes, begging me to let them fall. Her eyes held so much emotion. Her whole body did. Her hand on my face felt so right. And I loved her so much.
"I promise."
We kissed and that was the last time we talked about it, until the last time we talked.
One day, exactly three years, two months and fifteen days after that day in the library, I receive a call from her.
"Hi Nick." Her voice was weak and broken. The last week has been difficult for her, she's been getting worse, really fast.
"Hi sweetheart. Who are you doing?" I felt like breaking down at that moment. To cry and cry and scream and break things. Because last week, even if Caroline had been trying to keep me out of it, was the most stressing, frustrating and hardest week of my life.
To see the one you love dying before your eyes is a cruel thing. And if it drags through so long, is the cruelest thing I can ever imagine. The pain I felt was so strong I actually felt it physically. It was physical pain.
But she was suffering way more than I was, I had to keep myself together for her. She deserved it. She deserved everything good in the world. Even with this happening to her, she never once lost her faith in the world.
"Not very well Nick. I think it might be today." And that's the worst thing I've felt in my entire life. I thought that week was hard? Those seconds she took for saying that destroyed everything in me. I felt broken. I mean, that's not really the right word because… once again, it was something I really couldn't explain.
Nothing I felt before, or after, can compare to those seconds.
I gathered everything in me and said. "I'm on my way. I'll be there soon."
"Can you do me a favor?"
"Of course, anything." I knew my voice sounded desperate. But I didn't care at that moment. I had to get to her.
"Don't hang up." I can hear that she's crying.
"I won't." I left the house and was in my car driving to the hospital in a flash. I don't think I've ever done anything so fast in my life.
"Nick, I want you to know th-"
"NO. We can talk when I get there. We're not doing this through the phone Caroline. I'm almost there."
"Nick, I really want you to kno-"
"Caroline! Please. I'm almost there." I screamed to the phone.
"Honestly Nick, I don't think I'm going to last that long." I could fe- sorry – I could feel her crying. I could hear it in her voice.
I was crying too at this point. That was all too much.
"No… no, no." I whispered. But I didn't interrupted her when she tried to talk again.
"I want you to know that I love you. I love you with all my heart. With everything I have. You're the single most important person in my life and I love you." She was sobbing. Stopping throughout her confession. And I was too.
"I love you too Caroline. I do. You're everything to me. God, I love you so much."
"I don't regret anything that happened. I like all the choices I made. I hope you do too." She whispers into the phone, like she doesn't have the strength to talk anymore.
"I do, Caroline. I do." After a moment to catch my breath I say. "I wouldn't have changed anything in the past. Even if I knew this would happen. You're worth it Caroline. You're worth of this and so much more. I love you."
I wanted to say more. Nothing I said seemed good enough to express what I felt. Even then I couldn't explain what she made me feel. And I felt frustrated by that. "I want to say so much more but I can't because there are no words to describe what I'm feeling right now. I love you is not enough. I want you to know that, Caroline."
"I do know." After a moment she continues. "I feel the exact same way. To say I love you is not enough either. I guess I'm going to find out the big secret about death now. "
We stay quiet for a few seconds.
"Okay, I'm here, I'm at the hospital. I'm on my way up. Just hang in there okay?" I'm out of breath for running. The elevator ride is the slowest ride ever.
Then I realize she hadn't answered me.
"Caroline? Caroline! Answer me Caroline!" I'm crying and I'm screaming because this is it.
I lost her. She left.
I got to her room and soon enough there were people around her taking needles from her arms and declaring her death.
I entered the room and went directly towards her. I didn't hear the nurses telling me I couldn't be in there or that I had to go outside. I just went to her side and hugged her and cried even more into her neck. Because it looked like she was only sleeping.
I don't know how long I stayed that way until someone grabbed my arms and pulled me away from her gently. I went. I didn't put up a fight.
"I love you is not enough." I whispered to her from halfway to the door.
When I looked around people looked at me with pity. I hated it. I wanted to leave.
A nurse came to me. "I just wanted to tell you that she talked about you the whole time. She talked about you like you put the stars in the sky."
I smile a little at that and nod at her in gratitude. It was funny, because our favorite thing to do was to lie on the roof and look at the stars.
Then I left. There was nothing left for me there.
That night I went to the roof alone for the first time in years.
I went there and thought about the first thing she ever said to me.
You can only be really punished, by someone you love.
And God, do I feel punished.
But I'll gladly take the punishment if that means I had that little infinity with her.
I have never been with another person after her. She was it for me. There's no one else.
But I did live, like I promised her I would. I travelled the world and saw everything beautiful in it. Sometimes, when I was home, I would go to the roof and look at the stars. If I closed my eyes, it was like she was right there next to me again. Now I'm too old to go there, but I still look at the sky.
And I still remember her. Every day.
I never asked what her disease was. If she didn't want me to know, I didn't want to know.
Today is the 30th anniversary of her death. And I thought about telling our story to you.
A/N: Hello. This is a really sad story, and I'm sorry but I really felt like writing this and I feel good about it. I hope you liked it too.
It was inspired by a quote I saw on Tumblr. It's the first thing she says to him.
And there's two things I took from 'The fault in our stars', I'm sure you noticed.
Please tell me what you think. Was it just too much angst? Is it bad? Is it good?
I don't know, but I actually cried while writing this. So I feel like it's good enough for me.
I answer all reviews through PMs!
Okay, bye! And thank you rot reading!