Merry Christmas!!!!
Lilly watched as Miley walked hand in hand with Jake Ryan down the beach, both of them laughing at some joke one of them had told the other. Miley pointed out to the ocean where some dolphins were jumping out of the waves and they both faced them. Jake put an arm around Miley's shoulders, pulling her closer, and then, suddenly, they were in a full make out session. Lilly looked away, a disgusted expression on her face, and turned back to Oliver, who was wolfing down some cheese fries. She almost turned back to watch Miley and Jake make out because it wouldn't be as disgusting.
"Can you please at least chew with your mouth closed?" she snapped at Oliver, who gaped up at her with his mouth open, a mixture of chewed up cheese and fries falling out of his mouth onto the table in front of him. He quickly wiped it up with a napkin, tossing it into a nearby trashcan and turning back to Lilly to pretend that it had never happened.
"What's up with you?" he asked, restraining himself as he put a single fry in his mouth, chewed for thirty seconds, and swallowed. "You usually don't freak out at me like this when I eat messy. And why aren't you eating? You love cheese fries."
"I'm not in the mood," she muttered, looking down at the table as she clenched her jaw and picked at a small knot in the wood. She stood up quickly. "Hey, do you want to go to the skate park or something? I heard that it was going to be really empty today because of the skate competition at Eastland Skate Park."
"That's tomorrow, though," Oliver pointed out.
"It's going to be empty," Lilly growled.
"Okay, okay, I'm coming," he said, standing up and picking up his cheese fries quickly. He glanced once over his shoulder as they turned away from the beach, watching as Jake and Miley sat down on the sand, the brunette's head resting on Jake's shoulder.
"Come on," Lilly snapped, and he turned back towards her, running when he saw that she was already halfway up the hill that led to the street and Lilly's house.
"What the heck is up with you?" Miley snapped.
Lilly looked up guiltily from the bowl of popcorn she had just spilled all over her bedroom floor. Tears welled up in her eyes and she got down on her hands and knees, trying to scoop all the kernels into a pile. A few minutes later, the sheets on the bed rustled and Miley was on her hands and knees next to her, wordlessly helping.
"I'm sorry," Lilly whispered after a few more minutes of tension-filled silence.
"It's not just me, though, that you've been acting like this around," Miley said. "I was talking to Oliver and he said that you've been really distant around him, and whenever he asks what's up with you, you snap at him. Just…it's frustrating, you know? Something's going on and you aren't telling either of us. For all we know, you could be keeping it to yourself. Could you at least tell someone so we can get our Lilly back?"
There was silence for a few more moments. "I don't like you with Jake," she said quickly, instantly slapping both of her hands over her mouth when she realized what she had said. Turning to Miley, she saw the brunette was looking at her with her mouth gaping open.
"I can't believe you," Miley said angrily, shooting to her feet and looking down at Lilly. "You have no right to go around telling me who I should or shouldn't be with! After all the stupid boyfriend choices you've made? I…I just can't believe you just said that!"
"Miley…" Lilly said, standing up, tears streaming down her face.
"No, don't even say anything!" Miley yelled. "Don't even say anything!"
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," Lilly said quickly. "It…it just slipped out. I swear, I didn't mean to say that…"
"But you mean what you said," Miley said accusingly, and when Lilly didn't say anything, she shook her head. "I can't believe you. You were my best friend, Lilly."
"Were?" Lilly said in a small voice.
"Yeah, don't plan on seeing me again," Miley snapped, stomping out of Lilly's room. A few seconds later, Lilly winced as the front door slammed. Miley had left the building.
Lilly quietly closed her locker and hugged her books to her chest as she headed towards her first class. Miley had been telling the truth when she said that Lilly shouldn't plan on seeing her again. It had been a week since their fight and Lilly had only seen Miley in glimpses. She had tried to apologize several times, but the brunette always managed to elude her. Oliver said that he preferred to stay out of it when Lilly asked him to take a note to Miley, but he started avoiding her when she freaked out at him. Now she was completely friendless.
Tears began to fall down her cheeks as she fled to the bathroom, running into one of the stalls and locking it behind her. Sobs began to shake her body as she collapsed to the floor, dropping her books next to her. Everything had turned out so much differently than she had planned it to. It always did. And, for Lilly, it always had.
There was a gentle knock on the door of her stall and Lilly stopped crying. "Hey, is everything okay in there? Do you want me to go get someone?"
"I'm fine," Lilly said in a thick voice.
There was a scrape of metal on metal and Lilly realized, too late, that the person on the other side of the stall door had managed to get it open. She turned to see Joannie Palumbo, Oliver's ex-girlfriend, standing over her, a sympathetic look on her face. Before Lilly could do or say anything, Joannie was sitting down next to her, wrapping her arms around her shoulders, and telling her that it was okay to cry.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Joannie asked after Lilly's sobs had subsided. Lilly hesitated and Joannie smiled encouragingly at her. "Hey, it's okay to talk to me; I promise I won't tell anyone. And Oliver and I are still friends, so it's not like I'm going to use anything you say about him against him, if this is about Oliver."
"Sort of," Lilly admitted. "But…but I don't know where to begin."
"The beginning helps," Joannie offered gently.
"I…I think it started when I met Miley," Lilly whispered. She glanced up at Joannie uncertainly, who stood up, offering her a hand. Lilly took it, pulling herself to her feet, and Joannie picked up her books for her.
"How about we ditch school today," Joannie suggested. "I know somewhere we can go without getting caught, and this guy I know can call in sick for us."
"I'd like that," Lilly said with a small smile.
Half an hour later, Lilly was sitting at a small table across from Joannie in the back of a locally-owned café. The owner of the café, a man named Nate, had already called the school two separate times to tell them that both of them were sick and promised that they would be back the next day. After Joannie ordered to coffees, black, the way both Lilly and Joannie liked it, she revealed that Nate was her brother and that whenever she was having a stressful day, she could come here and vent and everything would be fine again.
"So you said that it started when you first met Miley," Joannie prompted when they had both gotten their coffees 'on the house,' as Nate had said.
"Yeah, well, she moved to Malibu from Nashville eight years ago," Lilly said stirring her coffee with a stirring stick. "We were in fifth grade. I don't know why I did it, but I ran up to her table and asked her if she really ate possum. It had been going around the school, I think Oliver started the rumor, but I just had to know. She blushed and said no, then introduced herself as Miley Stewart. I told her that I was Lillian Truscott, but to call me Lilly or else I would never speak to her again. She nodded and at that moment, I could tell that we were going to be best friends."
She felt so relaxed talking to Joannie, who was listening to her intently, occasionally taking a sip from her coffee. The brunette's eyes never wandered around the café and Lilly felt that everything she said would stay a secret as long as she wanted it to. She trusted Joannie. Soon, everything came tumbling out.
"I don't know when exactly I began to have these…weird feelings," Lilly said. "I think it started in fifth grade. I mean, really, who walks up to a new girl and asks her such a weird question and then becomes best friends with her? It just doesn't happen. But it happened with me and Miley.
"When we started high school, I started to feel…differently about Miley. That's why I started the whole boyfriend phase. I didn't know what had gotten into me, so I thought that maybe my hormones had started raging, so I started going out with any boy who would ask me out. It wasn't the smartest thing to do, but I did it anyways. Halfway through our sophomore year, Miley started dating Jake Ryan for the first time. I broke up with my boyfriend at the time, Matt, and watched as Miley fell more and more in love Jake.
"It was when Miley showed up at my house sobbing her heart out, telling me that Jake had broken up with her, that I realized that these…these feelings I had for her, were the sort of feelings a girl was supposed to feel for a guy. Except I was feeling them for…for Miley. And she was a girl. I tried everything to get rid of them. To…to stop being…being gay, but nothing worked. I even stopped hanging out with Miley for a week, but that just made everything worse."
"Hey, hey, it's okay," Joannie said gently, reaching across the table to lay her hand gentle on top of Lilly's as the blonde started to cry again. "No one here is going to judge you based on the fact that you like Miley. It's perfectly okay. Lilly, Lilly, look at me. You aren't any different than anyone else because you like girls. It's normal. Trust me."
"H-how would y-you know?" Lilly cried.
"Because my mom, or really, both of them, is gay," Joannie said, making Lilly look up in surprise. "You see, it's normal. You have nothing to worry about. Everyone in this café is open to homosexuals."
"I don't want to be gay, though!" Lilly exclaimed, still crying. "Everyone at school…they'll all judge, and Oliver and Miley won't want to be my friend anymore, not that they want to anyways…"
"Not to cut you off, why don't you finish what you were saying before? You left off with you trying to not be gay," Joannie said. "Trust me, you'll be able to get this all out, but in order for me to try to help you, I have to hear the whole story."
Lilly nodded, taking a deep, shuddering breath, before continuing. "I finally just tried to…to ignore it," she whispered. "Miley started going back out with Jake again and it started to hurt, her not paying as much attention to me. Whenever she broke up with someone, or someone broke up with her, I was the one she ran to and cried to. The one who comforted her when she was feeling upset. But whenever she got a new boyfriend, I was shoved to the side and she focused all her attention on her new boyfriend until she needed me again.
"And then I finally blew up at her a week ago," she said quietly, taking another drink from her cup of coffee. "I told her that I didn't like her with Jake, and she got really mad and told me to count on never seeing her ever again. Then I blew up on Oliver and he's been avoiding me, and I finally couldn't take it and started crying in school and ran to the bathroom and…and here we are."
"Does anyone else know about your sexual orientation?" Joannie asked.
"You make it sound scientific," Lilly muttered. "No, you're the first person I've told."
"Well, I suppose the first step would be telling either Oliver or Miley," Joannie said, holding a hand up when a horrified look passed over Lilly's face and she opened her mouth to say something. "Wait, let me finish. I know for a fact that Oliver is very open to homosexuals because he was very accepting of my moms, and I told him to be honest about it or we would break up right then and there. He said that he himself would never want to be gay, but he doesn't have a problem with other people being gay as long as they don't try to involve him in a homosexual relationship."
"You're so casual about it," Lilly said, putting her head in her hands. "You act like it's no big deal for me to tell my two best friends that I'm gay. I have no idea for certain how they're going to react, I don't know if they're going to want to hang out with me anymore, I don't even know if they're going to want to talk to me anymore. And then there's the fact that the whole school is going to know eventually."
"I'm sorry that I'm so nonchalant about it," Joannie said, genuinely sorry. "You just have to understand that I've been living with this all my life and, at this point, I'm used to people rejecting me because I have two moms. It isn't as big of a deal for me because that's all I've ever known. And you're right; I have no idea what it's like to come out to my best friends. You have a more monumental task than I've ever had. But I'm going to do the best I can to help you through this if you want my help."
"Thanks, but I don't know if there's much you can do," Lilly whispered.
"If you ever need to talk, I'm always open," Joannie said gently. "And if you need someone to be there for you when you tell Oliver or Miley, just ask and I'll be on my way. You don't have to go through this alone, Lilly. Oliver is a great guy and he'll stick by you no matter what happens. He's my ex and he still lets me cry on his shoulder when I'm upset. I'm sure he can get over a little disagreement that you had with him to help you out."
Lilly smiled at Joannie. "Thanks," she said quietly. "This really helped."
"Hey, any time," Joannie said, draining her cup of coffee. "Do you want to catch a couple movies or something since we still have a couple hours left before everyone gets out of school? There aren't any really good movies in the theater, but there's bound to be something at least halfway decent."
"Sure, I'd like that," Lilly said, standing up.
Lilly pulled her vibrating phone out of her pocket and put it up to her ear, wincing as Oliver shouted from the other end of the line. "Where were you today? Miley had a breakdown in the middle of the class and I had no idea what to do! When I went looking for you, I couldn't find you! I swear I saw you this morning. Did you ditch or something? What's been going on with you, Lilly? This isn't like you at all."
"Wait, what's wrong with Miley?" Lilly asked worriedly.
"I don't know, that's the problem," Oliver sighed. "She just…started crying in the middle of English today and she wouldn't talk to anyone about it. Jake wasn't in school, so a bunch of people think that they broke up or something. Could you please just come over to her house and talk to her?"
The blonde glanced over at Joannie, who was pretending to be incredibly interested in a movie poster for some stupid spy movie that was supposed to be coming out in a few months. They had been at the theater for five hours and gorged on popcorn, pizza, and candy and were just planning on heading back home. "Ollie, she won't talk to me," she muttered.
"Yeah, that was just because she was mad about what you said about her and Jake," Oliver said. "You know how girls get, right? If you don't agree with them, then you're against them. She was going to forgive you eventually. Come on, Lilly, I have no idea what to do and she's been crying all day and has said a single word to me."
Someone put a gentle hand on her arm and Lilly turned to see Joannie smiling at her softly. "Go to her," she whispered. "She's your best friend."
"Okay," Lilly said to both Oliver and Joannie. "I'll be there in fifteen minutes. Just…try to calm her down. Try giving her ice cream or something to eat like that. Comfort food. You should know all about that since you read all of your mom's magazines."
"Yeah, I…hey!" Oliver yelled.
"Stop yelling, I'll be there in fifteen minutes," Lilly said, hanging up and turning to Joannie, who was once again looking at the poster. "Hey, Joannie, thanks for…for everything you've done for me today. I really appreciate it. And…and if you ever need anything, anything at all, I'm always open."
"No problem," Joannie said, smiling. "Now how about we head out so you can go get your girl."
Joannie dropped Lilly off in front of Miley's house and the blonde took a deep breath before going up to the door and gently pushing it open. Everything was quiet in the living room and kitchen, so she headed over to the refrigerator and grabbed a gallon of chocolate ice cream and two spoons, heading up the stairs and towards Miley's bedroom.
The door was slightly ajar and Lilly could hear Oliver's whispers and Miley's sobs from inside. She gently knocked on the door and opened it slowly to see Miley curled up on the bed and Oliver patting her awkwardly on the bag while holding out a bag of potato chips. He looked up when Lilly came in and relief spread over his face.
"Thank God you're here…" he started.
"Shut up and get out," Lilly said, and he nodded, grabbing his bag of chips and leaving the room, closing the door behind him. Lilly looked at Miley for a moment before sitting down on the bed next to her and pulling the brunette into a hug. Miley immediately shifted so she was leaning on Miley, her head on the blonde's shoulder as she cried.
"Hey, hey, it's okay," Lilly whispered, rubbing Miley's back comfortingly as she tried to ignore the butterflies in her stomach and her heart pounding in her chest. "It's going to be okay. Just cry it out, it's okay to cry." Miley continued sobbing and Lilly just held her, whispering in her ear as she rubbed her back comfortingly. The brunette's sobs started to subside and when they finally stopped, Lilly found that Miley had fallen asleep. She smiled, laying Miley down on the bed and pulling some blankets over her.
"So what happened?"
It was four hours later and Lilly was sitting with Miley on her bed, each with a spoon and the gallon of chocolate ice cream between the two of them. Miley took a large bite and was quiet for a moment. Lilly stuck her spoon in the ice cream and twirled it around.
"He broke up with me."
Lilly was tempted to say that she wasn't surprised he broke up with her, but she kept her mouth shut, waiting for Miley to continue. Now was not the time to tell Miley exactly what she thought of Jake. She would do that in a few hours when the brunette was too hyped up on sugar to get angry with anyone except Jake.
Miley took another bite of ice cream. "He's moving to London," she whispered. "He said that he didn't want a long-distance relationship and that he wanted a clean break. I guess some big time producer offered him a role in a movie and he'd be stupid not to take hold of the opportunity. I mean, I guess if something like that was offered to Hannah, I would…"
"No, Miles, don't make excuses for him," Lilly said quickly. "He's a jerk and he's treated you like dirt since the moment you started dating him. Every time he breaks up with you and wants to get back together with you, he just throws a bunch of money at you and takes you out on expensive dates and then it starts to fade away. He starts blowing you off and telling you that he has interviews and stuff and you find out that he's going to parties without you. Miley, he doesn't deserve to sleep on the ground you walk on."
"You're right," Miley whispered, surprising Lilly. "It's just…I hate change. I want everything to be the same, you know? You're still Lilly and a skater chick and you love to surf and you goof off in English class. Oliver's still a doughnut and reads his mom's magazines. And…and I'm still plain ol' Miley. But…but without you guys, without Jake, I'm…I'm a nobody."
"No you aren't," Lilly said. "You have so much more than the rest of us. I mean, you have Hannah…"
"But she's someone else!" Miley yelled, tears streaming down her cheeks. "She's another person. It's other people who define who I am, not me. Without people, I'm a nobody. No one cares about Miley Stewart, the brunette, the normal schoolgirl who does her homework like a good little girl and goes to bed before ten o'clock. It's Hannah this, or Jake that, or Oliver this, or…or Lilly that."
"Don't think that," Lilly said. "It's not other people that define who you are, but what's inside of you that defines you. And it's all your fault that I'm sounding like stupid fortune cookie, so don't you dare laugh at me. Miley, you're the most amazing, unique person I've ever met in the world, and I would rather hang out with you than anyone else. And Hannah might be another person, but it's your voice. You're the one with the amazing talent, not her. Look at it this way. She's borrowing your voice."
"How do you always manage to make me feel better?" Miley murmured as she leaned over and buried her face in Lilly's shoulder.
"I'm your best friend," Lilly whispered. "That's what I'm supposed to do."
"And I've been a horrible best friend to you recently," Miley said, lifting her head. "I always am when I'm in a relationship and I'm so sorry. You were right before when you said that you didn't like Jake and me together. I should have listened to you. Then maybe all this crap wouldn't have happened."
"No, Miley, I shouldn't have…" Lilly started.
"But that's what you're supposed to do," Miley said. "That's what best friends do. They're supposed to tell us when we're being stupid. And most of the time, I don't listen. It's just like the time when I told you that Lucas was cheating on you. I should have known better, Lilly, just because of that. But I ignored you and yelled at you and…hey, why weren't you in school today?"
Lilly looked away. "I, uh, I wasn't…I had a breakdown and Joannie found me crying in the bathroom," she whispered. "She offered to ditch with me and we went to this café her brother owns and talked for a while. Then we went and saw a couple of movies…it was nice."
Miley looked hurt. "Oh," she whispered. "And she…she listened to you?"
"Yeah," Lilly whispered, knowing that this was awkward for Miley.
"I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you," Miley said quietly after a moment of silence.
"It…it wasn't really something that you could have helped me with," Lilly said slowly, cautiously. Another look of hurt flashed over Miley's face, but it quickly disappeared. She nodded and stood up, reaching and taking Lilly's spoon out of her hand and grabbing the empty ice cream carton of the bed. Dropping the carton into the trash, she headed towards the door.
"Do…do you want to stay over tonight?" she whispered.
"Of course I do!" Lilly exclaimed, quickly getting up. "I'll order the pizza…"
"And I'll get the popcorn," Miley finished with a smile on her face.
"You can get the photo albums while I explain to Oliver that he doesn't have to stick around anymore," Lilly said, following close after Miley down to the kitchen. She grabbed the phone off the island and headed into the living room where Oliver was sitting on the couch watching a football game. He looked up when Lilly stood over him. "Can we go outside and talk?" she asked quietly.
"Yeah, sure," he said, turning off the TV and following Lilly out onto the back porch. She closed the door behind her and stood at the railing, facing the ocean. Closing her eyes, she savored the feel of the wind against her face.
"Do you ever have that feeling that there's something bigger out there?" she whispered after a moment. "Like, not God or anything, but just…the world. Like it's telling you to do something and you don't have the courage or the heart or you're just too afraid to do it?"
"Sometimes," he said.
"Because right now, I feel like the universe is yelling at me, sort of like in a basketball or a soccer game. Cheering me on. Like a coach or a parent or something," Lilly said, opening her eyes and watching the waves crash on the shore underneath the light of the full moon. "And I…I'm not sure that I want to do what it's telling me to do."
Oliver was quiet for a moment. "It's something you can't tell Miley," he said carefully.
She shook her head. "No, not right now," she whispered. "Don't get me wrong, she's my best friend, my best girl friend, that is. You two are amazing. But I don't know how she'd deal with what I want…what I need to tell you guys right now. After everything that happened. I don't want to hurt her any more than she's already been hurt."
He walked up next to her, leaning against the railing. "I'm going to use some of my wisdom that makes you say that I read my mom's magazines too much," he warned her, making her smile. He smiled back. "No matter what happens, no matter what you do, no matter what you say, Miley and I are going to be here for you. You could tell us that you hate us and you never want to see us again, and we'll go away and you can pretend we never existed. But if you called us up and asked for our help, or wanted to apologize, or if we saw that you were in trouble somewhere, we would be by your side in an instant. That's what best friends do, Lilly."
"What if…what if I was different from everyone else?" Lilly asked quietly. "What if everyone knew who I really was, they would never want to hang out with me or talk to me? Would you still want to be friends with me?"
"Of course I would. Come on, Lilly, what's this about?" Oliver asked.
"I'm gay," Lilly whispered.
There was a silence that was only filled by the crash of the waves.
"That's all this is about?" Oliver asked after a moment. "Come on, Lilly, really? Did you really think I wouldn't want to be friends with you just because of your sexual orientation?"
"You sound like Joannie," Lilly muttered.
"So that's where you were during school today," Oliver said with a knowing smile. "She likes skipping every once in a while. And, yeah, I'll sound like Joannie. She really didn't like me referring to homosexuals in a 'derogatory way,' as she put it."
"You don't care?" Lilly asked.
"No, you're still Lilly," Oliver said with a smile. "Besides, I've sort of suspected for a while. You…you're not very good at hiding what you're thinking. I mean, do you really have to look girls up and down in the middle of school? It's kind of weird."
"Do I really?" Lilly asked, her eyes widening as she turned to face Oliver.
"Sort of," he said with a hesitant look on his face.
"Oh man," she sighed, putting her head in her hands. Tears started to stream down her face. "I…I don't know what to do, Oliver. I mean, I just…I like Miley, okay? There, you got it. I'm in love with my best friend, Miley Stewart. And I can't tell her because Jake Ryan just broke up with her and moved to London and I don't want to hurt her or get her involved in another relationships so soon after she just ended one."
"How do you know she doesn't feel the same way?" Oliver said.
"Because…because she's Miley!" Lilly exclaimed, throwing her hands up in the air. "I mean, she dated Jake Ryan about a billion times and she never gave me a second glance when she was going out with him…"
"And she avoided you and only communicated with you through texts and e-mails with an occasional phone call and maybe a meeting at Rico's," Oliver said, ticking things off on his fingers. "Whenever she's around you, she wears nice clothes and makeup, which I can assure you she doesn't do for me, and she almost never stops smiling. She never stops talking about how amazing you are…"
"That doesn't mean she likes me like that!" Lilly exclaimed.
"Lilly, turn around," Oliver whispered.
Miley was standing right there, a bowl of popcorn in her hands as she started at Lilly with her mouth hanging open slightly. Tears pricked Lilly's eyes and she shook her head, edging away from Miley and towards the stairs leading towards the beach. "I'm so sorry," she whispered. "I…I should have never come. This was stupid. I'm so sorry, so, so sorry."
Then she turned around and ran towards the beach, only stopping when she was waist deep in the ocean. She was so tempted to keep walking until she couldn't touch the bottom anymore, then to swim and swim and swim until she was too tired to move her body anymore. Then she would float forever and ever and ever until the ocean and the sky met and consumed her. After everything she had messed up, that fate didn't sound too bad.
It started to rain and she waded out of the water, lying on the beach and closing her eyes as the pellets of water pounded down on her. It was like the sky was telling her that it was okay to cry, it was okay to be sad, because it was there for her. When everyone and everything else failed her, there was always the sky and the earth and the ocean to comfort her. She let her tears flow down her face and her sobs shake her body as she let all her emotions out.
And it worked. It felt like someone was actually wrapping their arms around her, carrying her, and then it stopped raining…or she was inside now. No, someone actually had been carrying her and now she was lying on a bed, shivering in her rain-soaked clothes. Her clothes were being stripped off her body and warm blankets were draped over her naked form. There was no light, only darkness, and the darkness enveloped her, wrapped its arms around her, comforted her, whispered dreams in her ear, and she fell asleep.
Lilly opened her eyes to find that she was staring up at her bedroom ceiling. Someone had dressed her in warm pajamas and several blankets were draped over her even though she felt like someone had just stuck her in a freezer. She tried to pull the blankets closer around her body, but it didn't seem to help. Sitting up, she smiled slightly when she saw Miley sitting in the corner of the room in a rocking chair with a quilt pulled up to her chin.
Then she remembered what happened.
Miley knew. She knew that Lilly like girls. And, more importantly, she knew that Lilly liked her in particular.
The brunette shifted in the chair and her eyes fluttered open. She stretched and yawned, standing up and turning her back to the blonde as she folded up the blanket she had been using and put it neatly on the rocking chair. Lilly closed her eyes and started to breath evenly and regularly, pretending to be asleep.
"I know you're awake," Miley said softly.
She opened her eyes to see Miley standing on the other side of the room, a sad expression on her face and her arms crossed over her chest. Sitting up, she looked down at the blankets on her bed and picked nervously at a loose thread. "I'm sorry," she whispered.
"I don't want to talk about it," Miley muttered.
They were both quiet.
"Can things just go back to the way they were?" Lilly asked.
"Well, I really don't see how they can," Miley snapped. Tears welled up in Lilly's eyes and Miley looked at her apologetically. "I'm sorry, it's just…it's difficult, you know? It's not every day that you hear your best girl friend has a crush on you. I mean, I don't care that you're gay, but…but it's hard. I'm sorry."
"You don't have to pretend to be my friend if you don't want to," Lilly said. "I don't want you to be pretending to be my friend and be unhappy when you're hanging out with me. I would rather that you didn't pretend and didn't hang out with me and be happy. It just makes it a whole lot worse when you pretend."
"No, Lilly, you're my best friend," Miley said quickly. "But…I don't like you like that."
There was another awkward silence.
"Let's just pretend that this never happened," Lilly said. "We can pretend that you don't know that I like you and I can pretend that I don't like you like that. And everything can go back to normal."
"Are you sure you want to do that?" Miley asked carefully.
"Yes," Lilly said confidently.
Miley stepped forward and hugged Lilly, who, in turn, wrapped her arms around the brunette. She knew that Miley couldn't help flinching when Lilly touched her. Just like how she couldn't help her heart beating in her chest, the butterflies in her stomach, and how she liked the way Miley's hair smiled. This was going to be a lot harder than she thought.
Two weeks later, Lilly was sitting in Miley's bedroom while she waited for the brunette to get home from a Hannah charity concert that she hadn't been able to go to because of a paper she had to finish writing for her English class. Miley would be home in two hours and she had nothing to do until then. Standing up, she sighed and walked around Miley's room for the millionth time in the last half hour.
Everything had been strained between Lilly and Miley in the last two weeks. The only time they weren't strained was at Hannah things because Miley was Hannah and Lilly was Lola. They were completely different people then and it was okay for them to be best friends forever like they had been before, to give hugs to each other, to whisper in each other's ear, and, for Lilly, to pretend like Hannah had no idea that Lola liked her.
Oliver had tried to get them to be friends like they had been before, but, even for him, it was impossible. And when Lilly or Miley failed, he was usually able to succeed. He hadn't given up yet, but every time Miley flinched away when Lilly reached out for her, or inched a little farther away from her, she could see the hurt on Oliver's face. Lilly wasn't the only one being hurt by Miley. The brunette's actions were having a negative impact on everyone around her.
Lilly had asked Oliver why Miley's actions were bothering him so much and he had said that he hated seeing Lilly unhappy. They had dated for a short amount of time, and even though they had broken up, he still had some feelings for her. He didn't try to pursue her or get her to go back out with him, but he hated seeing her hurt by Miley. He said that he would do whatever he could to get Miley back to normal. But Lilly knew that that wasn't going to happen anytime soon. If it was going to happen at all, that is.
Shaking her head, Lilly decided that she was going to get her mind off things and go into the living room to watch TV. As she started to leave Miley's bedroom, she saw a sheaf of notebook paper sticking out from underneath the bed covered in Miley's graceful handwriting. Looking around to make sure that no one was around, she grabbed the papers and started to read, knowing that it was rude to invade Miley's privacy.
Dear Lilly, I know that this may be too late, but I wanted to say this to you even if you don't like me anymore. I like you. That way. I've hurt you so much in the past that I don't think it's right for me to ask any more of you. That's why I'm going to keep our relationship at a friendship level. I don't deserve you at all and I really should be telling you that we shouldn't be friends anymore, but I'm too selfish for that. I don't want to lose you. So we're just going to remain friends.
Don't think that this is just a joke because it isn't. I know that I've been really mean to you in the past couple weeks. We don't hug as often and every time we touch, I try to get away from you. This isn't because I'm disgusted with you, but it's because every time you're skin brushes mine, every time our eyes meet, every time you arms wrap around my body, my heart starts pounding and I feel like kissing you. And that would be a big mistake on my part because I would be leading you on. A relationship between us just isn't the right thing at this point. At least not like that.
So I'm sorry that we can't be together. I'm sorry that I'm being so mean and hurting you so much. But it would hurt so much more if we started going out.
Love, Miley
The door opened and Lilly looked up to see Miley walking in with her Hannah clothes and wig on. Miley opened her mouth to say something, but saw the look on Lilly's face, then the papers she was holding in her hands. She started to say something, but Lilly just shook her head and pushed past her, shoving the papers in her hands before she ran away, tears streaming down her face as she headed to the beach.
"Lilly! Wait, please!"
"No, go away!" Lilly yelled over her shoulder, tears still streaming down her face.
"Please, Lilly, just listen!"
"I said to go away!" Lilly yelled.
"Just let me explain…"
"I think you've done enough damage for today, don't you?" Lilly snapped, turning around to face Miley. She had no idea why she was so mad at Miley, but she was, and she was going to act on it. "You hurt me, Miley. Not only did you hurt me, but you hurt Oliver, too. If you would just open your eyes and look at what you're doing, maybe you would see. But no, you're too selfish and self-absorbed to think about anyone else."
"But I…" Miley started.
"No, don't even say that you're being selfless by not going out with me," Lilly yelled, trying to hold back her sobs. "You know what, you're the most selfish person in the world because you don't even consider how it might make me feel when you tense up every time I touch you, or move away every time I get near to you. You have no idea what that feels like."
"Lilly, I'm sorry," Miley cried.
"Sorry isn't good enough at this point," Lilly said meanly.
"What do you want me to do?" Miley sobbed, tears running down her face.
"I don't know; try to understand what I've been going through for the past two weeks."
"Help me understand, then!" Miley yelled in frustration.
"Fine," Lilly sneered. "I hate you."
Lilly watched as Oliver wrapped his arms around Miley and pulled her in for a hug. The brunette was sobbing into his shoulder, and, at this particular moment, Lilly was glad that she had caused Miley so much pain. She knew that she would regret it later, but Miley, the girl who was supposed to be her best friend, the person who was supposed to understand her the most, had hurt her in a way that she had never thought possible.
Turning away, she walked slowly down the beach, her hands in her pockets as she let her tears slide freely down her face. Now she was starting to feel bad about what she had said to Miley and how she had treated her. She had possibly just lost her best friend, and maybe even both of them. Oliver wouldn't like the way she dealt with the situation and she would most likely be getting a lecture from him later, if he wasn't too angry with her.
"Hey, Oliver called me and told me that you were here and needed someone to talk to."
The blonde turned to see Joannie standing behind her dressed in jeans, sneakers, and a red hoodie that was from some local college. She gave Lilly a small smile and walked up beside her, not saying anything as they wandered down the beach. Lilly was grateful for the company Joannie was giving her and the understanding she had that the blonde didn't want to talk but rather just think at that moment.
"I don't know what to do," Lilly finally said.
Joannie kept walking beside her. "And I can't tell you want to do," she admitted. "All you can do is talk it out with yourself and figure it out for yourself. If you want to tell me about it, I'm a good listener, but I don't have any solutions. I'm sorry."
Lilly shrugged as if she didn't care. "I messed everything up with Miley," she said quietly. "She found out I'm gay two weeks ago and found out that I liked her. It would have been fine if she had just found out that I'm gay because she's perfectly okay with that. The part that she doesn't like is me liking her. We've been really awkward around each other. Every time I try to hug her or I sit next to her, she gets tense or flinches away."
She sighed. "But I completely messed up everything we've ever had," she whispered. "I found this note in her room from her to me saying that she does like me but if we got together, it would be wrong or something and that she isn't going to be selfish and she's not going to date me. Then…when she got back from being out with her family, I…I told her that she really was selfish and that I hate her."
The blonde stopped walking as she turned to face the ocean. "I can't lose her," she whispered, tears starting to trickle down her face. "She's all I have."
"Then explain to her, go get her back," Joannie said. "Lilly, you have to understand this. Look at me, Lilly, look at me." The blonde turned her head and looked at her. "She loves you no matter what you say to her, no matter what you do, no matter what happens. Nothing is going to change how she feels. Think about all the times the two of you have fought, all the times you've disagreed, all the boys you've dated…and she's always come back to you."
"Not now," Lilly said sadly.
"Fine, then, give up," Joannie said, throwing her hands up in the air. "If you refuse to do anything about this, then don't expect anything to happen between the two of you. You're at the controls now, Lilly. But if you choose to abort, you can't blame anyone but yourself."
She turned around and started to walk away.
"Hey, Joannie!" Lilly called out.
Joannie turned.
"Thanks."
The brunette smiled. "No problem," she said quietly. "Now go get your girl."
Lilly stood hesitantly outside Miley's house, her hands buried deep in the pocket of her hoodie as she tried to muster up the courage to open the door in front of her and walk into the room where she knew Oliver was trying to comfort the brunette she had hurt so badly. Sighing, she sat down, closing her eyes and putting her head in her hands. She would have to say the perfect thing if she wanted Miley back.
The door opened and Lilly looked up to Mr. Stewart come out, a grim look on his face. He sat down next to Lilly and sighed as she leaned back. "I'm guessing you're just as hurt as she is," he said quietly.
The blonde shrugged. "I guess," she whispered.
"I know what happened," Mr. Stewart said. "And I know that you feel the exact same way about my daughter as she does about you. I see it in the way you two look at each other all the time. You two might have been oblivious as to how the other felt about you, but I could see it all like it was playing out on a TV. It was entertaining sometimes, but you two've hurt each other so much."
"Mr. S, can I ask you a question?"
"Sure, go ahead, Lily," Mr. Stewart said.
"How do I apologize to Miley without hurting her feelings even more and without getting my feelings hurt?" Lilly asked.
"I'm not sure if that's possible, bud," he said sadly. "If you try not to hurt her feelings, she's going to lash out at you in order to make up for what you said to her before and to boost her ego. It happens in every fight that she's involved in. But if you say the right thing, you could probably repair your relationship with her and get an apology out of her."
Lilly whimpered. "It hurts so much," she whispered.
"Well, bud, love hurts," Mr. Stewart whispered, pulling Lilly into a hug. "You're a one-of-a-kind girl, Lilly, and if there's anyone who deserves to be dating my daughter, it's you. And I love you both and I don't want either of you to get hurt. But one of you is going to get hurt, if not both of you."
"I guess I'm just going to have to go in and talk to her, then," Lilly sighed.
"Hey, she still loves you," Mr. Stewart said as Lilly stood up. "Tell her that you still love her and she'll come around. Trust me. If she'll come around for Jake Ryan, the guy that's been hurting her for a couple years, now, then she'll be able to come around for you, the girl she's been crushing on you for even longer than she's even known about Jake Ryan."
"Thanks Mr. S."
"Just make my little girl happy, Lilly."
The blonde nodded and turned towards the door, opening it slowly and slipping inside before closing it behind her. Oliver and Miley were both sitting on the couch, the boy with his arms wrapping around the brunette's shaking shoulders. He looked up when Lilly came in and gave her the most disgusted look she had ever seen on her face. Tears welled up in her eyes when she realized she had ostracized both of her best friends, but she held them back as she shuffled forward.
"Can I speak to Miley alone?" she asked quietly.
"How do I know that you aren't just going to insult her more?" Oliver sneered.
Lilly took a deep, shuddering breath as she closed her eyes for a few seconds, then opened them again. "You don't," she whispered. "But what I have to say to Miley is only for her ears. I can always wait until you have to leave because I know Mr. Stewart won't let you stay all night and he'll probably let me."
"Fine," he snapped. "But if you say anything…"
"Just leave," Lilly said, rubbing her forehead tiredly. "Please?"
Oliver looked surprised that Lilly hadn't come up with a stinging comeback. He nodded and stood up slowly, whispering something in Miley's ear and walking out of the room. Lilly walked over to Miley and sat down next to her, putting a hesitant hand on her back. When the brunette didn't push her away, she wrapped her arms around her shaking shoulders and pulled her close.
"I'm so sorry," she whispered as Miley turned toward her, resting her head on Lilly's shoulder as she sobbed. Miley didn't say anything, but just continued to cry as Lilly held her. When Miley finally stopped crying, wiping her eyes on her arm, Lilly continued. "Miley, you're the most amazing person I've ever met in my life and I don't ever want to lose you as a friend. If you want to just stay friends, then that's what we'll do. I just wish that you had told me about your feelings and tried to make me understand why we can't date."
"Because I don't want to ruin anything else," Miley muttered.
"What?" Lilly asked.
"Everything that I touch, I ruin," Miley whispered. "And I've managed to not ruin my relationship with you so far, and I don't want to take any chances of ruining your life. I really can't…I can't mess this up."
"Miley, look at me," Lilly said, resting her fingers under the brunette's chin and lifting her head so they were staring into each other's eyes. "How are you going to know how something turns out unless you try?"
"I'm scared," Miley whimpered.
Then Lilly did something that she had been wanting to do for the past two years. Leaning forward, she closed her eyes as she gently pressed her lips against Miley's. She felt the brunette instantly melt into her, her arms sliding up around her neck, her gingers lacing together behind her head. Lilly pulled away and pressed her forehead against Miley's, slowly opening her eyes to see that Miley still had hers closed.
"Open your eyes," she whispered.
The brunette slowly opened her eyes and Lilly stared into them.
"Don't be scared," she whispered. "I'll never let anything happen to you. I promise. I love you too much."
Miley took a deep breath. "I love you, too."
The two girls smiled at each other and their lips met in another soft kiss.
"You just don't give up, do you?" Miley asked quietly two hours later after Oliver had left and Mr. Stewart had gone to bed.
Lilly laughed softly and shook her head. "Not when it comes to you," she said, reverently tracing patterns on Miley's arm. "There were times when I almost did give up, but there were a couple people who gave me a nudge in the right direction. You belong with me."
"How many times have I told you to stop using other artists' songs as quotes?" Miley teased, bringing Lilly's hand to her lips and kissing it softly. "Although I probably should call Taylor up and thank her for that song."
"Why?" Lilly asked, surprised.
"You belong with me," Miley said simply.
"I'll never get you," Lilly laughed.
"But that's why you love me."
"Yes, you've got that right. I love you," Lilly said, kissing Miley's nose.
"I love you, too."
Yes, I know I haven't updated in a while. I have no plausible excuses. So I'm just going to try to make it up to you with this story. It's not really a Christmas story, but consider it a present from me to you. I really hope you enjoy it. Remember to REVIEW!!!! The more reviews I get, the more motivated I'll be to update my other stories, and maybe even turn this into a two-shot or write a sequel. Thank you all very much and MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!! :)
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