AN: Once upon a time, I had to write a report for work that involved researching badgers. I used Wikipedia. There was a link for man-eating badgers and obviously I could not resist. This is based on a true story. ;)
Spoilers: Nothing specific, but it takes place after "Hero" in season two. The dragon that gets mentioned is from my story Legacy (Or, Chasing the Dragon Again).
Rating: Teen
Disclaimer: Oh, how I would love to own this!
Characters: Kate Freelander, Declan MacCrae
Summary: Kate and Declan go monster hunting in the desert.
You Catch More Flies With Honey (Badgers)
"Dibs!" said Kate, and she seized the proffered folder with more enthusiasm than Will was capable of dealing with at this time in the morning.
"You went to England last time!" he protested.
"We all went to England last time," Henry pointed out. "Besides, did you listen to the mission specs? Do you wantto go chasing after honey badgers in the Iraqi desert?"
"They're not really honey badgers, Henry," Magnus reminded him. "That's just the cover story."
"Yeah, because 'man-eating badgers' sounds so much better!"
"Whatever, it sounds like it could be fun," Kate said. Off Magnus's raised eyebrow, she amended that to: "I mean, it sounds like something that would allow me to utilize my skill set and totally avert a major international diplomatic crisis."
Will looked back and forth between the picture of the badger and the stack of files Magnus was now holding out to him, clearly weighing his options. He sighed.
"Fine," he said, sounding a bit defeated as he reached for his assignment. "I'll take the nubbin population statistics."
"I'll bring you home a box of flakes," Kate said.
"You know I can buy those at specialty grocery stores, right?"
"Yeah, but it's the thought that counts."
"If you say so."
With her headphones in, Kate managed to pass the flight in relative comfort. It wasn't as nice as when she flew with Magnus and they got a charter flight, but she had an aisle seat and she was small enough that flying coach wasn't a huge deal. Flying used to cause her some anxiety, but since she stopped smuggling she actually found it kind of relaxing. There was something to be said for not fighting down the urge to tense up every time the flight attendants walked past.
She landed in Heathrow and made her way through the crowds. Declan had sent a car for her, one of his more-human looking drivers on account of the concentrated population, and Kate had no trouble finding him in the concourse. She wouldn't be in London long enough to get used to the time zone, much less buy Will a box of flakes, but there was always Duty Free on the way home for that. Declan had emailed her before she left to let her know that it would be easier to travel into Iraq together than it would be to meet up after arriving separately. It wasn't Kate's first war zone, but she had to admit she appreciated the company.
She rather liked working with Declan. He was nearly impossible to shock for starters, which she liked, and he seemed to have more or less managed to combine the paper-pushing skills that running a Sanctuary necessitated with common sense in the field. Kate had never met James Watson; most freelancers went entire countries out of their way to avoid him, but the more time she spent with Declan, the more she wished she had. She'd never given much thought to upward mobility when she'd been working with the Cabal, but she was starting to think that maybe England wouldn't be so bad a place to set up shop if the opportunity ever arose.
She arrived at the UK Sanctuary after dinner had started, but there was a plate waiting for her on the sideboard, and she was so hungry after eating what passed for food on the airplane that she finished her meal at roughly the same time as the others at the table. After the incident with the dragon, Kate knew most of the regular staff members on sight, but there were a couple of new faces that Declan introduced her to as the dessert was brought it.
"Wheels up at 0600 tomorrow morning," Declan said over the pudding. "So we need to leave here by 4AM."
"Fabulous," said Kate. "I'll just never sleep again."
"I can give you something for that," said Louisa, one of the staff members Kate had just met. Kate had assumed she was human, based on her appearance, but now that she was looking more closely, there was definitely something otherworldly about her bearing.
"She means a hug," said her cousin, a male whose name Kate had already managed to forget.
"I don't think that's a good idea," Declan said. "One hug from her is usually good for eight hours, and Kate only has time for six."
"Yeah, but I haven't leveled off yet," the cousin pointed out, looking a bit embarrassed. "If I do it, she could be out for a week."
There was generalized laughter at that, and one of the heliopaths started steaming. Lousia passed him a cup of water.
"Don't worry, Steven," she said. "Daryll didn't mean to put you out for so long."
"It's not like I haven't apologized a lot, either," Daryll said, looking even more embarrassed.
"I've never had dinner with morphates before," Kate said. She wondered under what conditions Daryll had had cause to hug the heliopath. Lousia smiled.
"I'm sorry we can't help you," she said. "On any other night, I'd be up for some experimentation, but Declan has a schedule and it's never wise to interfere with that."
Kate blushed a little bit at that, grateful that her skin colour mostly hid things like that, and Declan coughed.
"If you don't mind," he said, looking more amused than angry and, if Kate had known it, rather uncannily like James, "I thought we'd go over the details."
"Works for me," said Kate, and turned her attention to the Head of House.
"Tomorrow morning, British High Command is going to go on the record denying any claims that they intentionally released man-eating badgers into the Iraqi desert," Declan said, somehow managing to keep a straight face. Kate made a note to find an excuse to play poker with him at some point. Will's bluff was terrible, Henry had about a million tells, and she needed to keep in practice.
"Best. Press Conference. Ever," the heliopath hissed under his breath.
"In all likelihood," Declan agreed with a quick smile. "Of course the British army didn't release the badgers, but since man-eating badgers are native to the UK and incapable of swimming the Channel, someone from the UK clearly did."
"Cabal holdovers?" Kate guessed. They were few and far between, but cells did still exist.
"Unless Tesla is branching out, probably," Declan said. "In any case, our job is to meet up with British troops based at the Embassy in the Green Zone, and then trap or kill the badgers and transport them back to the UK."
"We're not trying to figure out how they got there?" Kate asked.
"That's not our primary goal," Declan said. "The public will have a hard time believing in man-eating badgers, even with the photographs that have been released, but should one of them be caught by insurgents, it would be awkward."
"That's one way of putting it," murmured Louisa.
"We have to get them out of the country as quickly as possible and by any means necessary," Declan concluded. "Even if that means killing them. We'll transplant some native honey badgers into the area to cover plausible deniability, and we can worry about how the man-eating badgers got there later."
"Works for me," Kate said. "I kind of miss simple bag and tags."
"Hopefully this will go better than the dragon," Declan said.
"You aren't looking for other pets?" Kate said. "I thought the baby dragon would melt that stereotypically cold English heart of yours."
"My heart is just fine, thank you," Declan said. "And so is the dragon, thank you for asking. He's got a wingspan of twelve feet now. It makes his habit of trying to hug me a bit overwhelming."
"I don't suppose there are photographs?" Kate said hopefully.
"No," said Daryll, somewhat morosely. "But not for lack of trying."
"If we're all finished here, I think we should try to get some rest," Declan said, with another small smile. "Tomorrow is probably going to be a very long day. Louisa, will you show Kate upstairs?"
"Sure," said Louisa. "We'll see you guys in the morning."
"Welcome to the team, Freelander," Daryll said, and gave Kate a sharp tap on the shoulder.
"What the hell?" Kate said, as the world turned fuzzy and she started to fall out of her chair.
"Oh, bloody hell!" Declan said, leaning over to catch her, and that was the last thing Kate remembered.
Kate woke up on the airplane, fourteen hours later and still in the same clothes she'd been wearing when she left Old City. She felt kind of gross about that, but she had to admit, it was one of the better sleeps she'd ever had. The jet was a private one, so she was seated at a table, and Declan was sitting across from her.
"Morning, sunshine," Declan said. "Daryll sends his apologies. That's never happened before."
He poured her a cup of tea from the carafe on the table, and she added sugar until she thought his eyebrows were going to fly off the top of his forehead.
"Lousia has a change of clothes for you," Declan said. "She's just up in the cockpit looking down. She likes heights."
"I hope she doesn't touch the pilot," Kate said. "Or we're in trouble."
"Oh, I could land this thing if I had to," Declan said reassuringly. "But Louisa is much more capable with her power than Daryll is. Apparently he was having a strong day yesterday, because usually he needs to be touching someone in two places to make them fall asleep."
"He was sitting next to me," Kate said. "Maybe our legs were just touching, and that was enough to complete the circuit."
"Could be," Declan said. He grinned. "That probably explains Steven too. Anyway, he'll get it sorted soon, and then he'll be harmless enough."
"I'm going to go get cleaned up," Kate said. "How much time do I have before the drop?"
"Still a couple of hours," Declan said. "You were out for fourteen hours, so it's 10AM GMT. We've been in the air for four."
Kate unfastened her seatbelt and made her way to the bathroom. It wasn't exactly luxurious, but it was less cramped than her flight from Old City had been, and she was able to change with relative ease. By the time she got back to her seat, Louisa was sitting across from Declan, staring out the window, and Steven had taken the seat next to him. They chatted about their plans, filling Kate in on their arsenal, until the seatbelt light came back on.
"I hate this part," Louisa said, pulling her eyes away from the window.
"Me too," Kate said. "I hate rides."
They braced for the abrupt landing that signified their arrival in Iraq. There was no gentle descent here, just a sudden drop from sky to ground, and a jarring contact with the tarmac. Kate, who rather felt like she'd left her stomach behind at thirty thousand feet, uncurled her fingers from around the armrests and took a couple deep breaths.
"Here we go," said Declan, as the plane taxied toward the military terminal.
They got through based on Declan's connections, both Sanctuary related and the older ones he still had cultivated from his time in Special Forces. It made for relatively smooth sailing, and before long they were all settled into the quarters they'd been assigned. Declan stepped out to meet with their driver, a friend of his who, while he didn't know exactly what Declan did, knew enough to help out if needed, while Kate went through her pack one more time, making sure everything was where she wanted it.
"You're very good at this," Louisa said.
"Thank you," Kate said. "But I've had lots of practice."
"Declan had me cleared for field duty recently," Louisa admitted. "Apparently I'm better than a tranq gun."
"You job is to walk up to a man-eating badger and give it a hug?" Kate said. "And I thought Magnus had the corner on crazy ideas."
"Not exactly," Louisa said. "But something like that, yes."
"What about Steven?" Kate said. "He looks young for this."
"He's the only operational heliopath we have at the moment," Louisa said. "Declan wanted to make sure we had something with firepower that couldn't be confiscated."
In case they got captured, Kate realized. That was actually a pretty good idea. If Kate and Declan couldn't muscle their way out of a situation, Steven and Louisa could probably create some pretty stupendous distractions. Hopefully it wouldn't come to that.
"We're going out tomorrow at 0400," Declan said from the tent flap. "So if you want Louisa to hug you, please do it by 7PM local time."
"Very funny," Kate said. "Keep it up, and I'll tell them all how you let the dragon sit in your lap so it wouldn't get cold after it got dark."
"It was mutually beneficial," Declan said easily. "Dinner is in an hour. There'll probably be a bell."
"Thanks!" said Lousia as Declan exited. Then she turned to Kate. "I think Declan left out a few details when he told us about the dragon," she smiled. "Can you fill them in?"
"It would be my pleasure," said Kate.
The sun was really, really hot. And it was only 4:30 in the morning. The Panther CLV caravan rolled through the desert, out of the Green Zone and into the wilderness. They passed the ziggurat of Ur, and Kate felt her heart clench, just a little bit. There was so much in this place, and it had been so long without peace. Kate wasn't used to fear, but suddenly it felt like every dune might be hiding something.
It would take them about an hour to reach the area where the man-eating badgers had been reported. There wasn't a lot to do in the meantime, since they already knew their plan. The badgers, like the normal variety, had likely excavated a sett for themselves to live in, a place where they could escape the heat of the day. Declan's Plan A was to simply wait for the sun to get hot, and then gas the badgers in the sett. Kate didn't ask how many plans Declan actually had, but she'd be willing to bet he'd gone at least as far as Plan M, and that was before he let her start any improvisation.
It was also assuming that the man-eating badgers weren't also more intelligent than their slightly less ornery counterparts. For obvious reasons, there was very little know about them, and even though their attack patterns had so far not yielded anything that indicated a higher level of intelligence, Declan had been reluctant to rule it out entirely, and Kate agreed. It was always safer to assume they were smart and then work backwards from there.
"There's one more wrinkle," Declan said.
"What?" Kate asked.
"The Panthers can't turn off their engines," Declan said. "It's against protocol."
"So we have to sneak up on a set full of irate man-eating badgers while three Panthers rev their engines in the background?" Kate said.
"Pretty much, yes," Declan said.
"Peachy," Kate said.
"Having second thoughts?" Declan asked.
"Not really," Kate said. "Besides, would you rather do this with Will?"
"No," Declan admitted, smiling. "Frontal assault isn't really his forte."
"Not without back-up anyway," Kate said. "Or back-up dancers."
Declan smirked. Their gunner, who had looked more and more startled as the drive progressed looked like she was about to ask a question, but then seemed to think the better of it.
"I'm starting to reconsider this whole field work thing," Louisa said, but Kate could tell she was kidding. "It sounds a little unpredictable."
"That's what makes it so much fun," Kate said, just as the Panthers rolled to a stop.
"There," Steven said, looking out the window.
Kate's eyes followed where the heliopath was pointing, and saw a hole carved into one of the dunes near the track they were driving on. It looked harmless enough. That was usually a bad sign.
"We'll gear up on the other side of the vehicle," Declan said. He looked at their gunner. "You'll cover us from here."
She nodded, and once she had enough room on the seat, set about establishing her firing position. She looked very professional, and Kate felt a lot better.
The Sanctuary team slid out of the Panther and organized their weapons. Declan called out orders, which were followed without question. Apparently you were Special Forces for life. Before long, they had established a perimeter and Declan was preparing the gas that would get the badgers out of the sett in what Kate hoped would be manageable numbers. Behind her, the engines rumbled, setting her teeth on edge.
On Declan's count, the gas canisters were fired into the sett, and Kate braced for the exodus of man-eating badgers that was supposed to follow. She was not disappointed. Before she counted to fifteen, the badgers ambled out, groggy from the smoke, and they began shooting them with the tranq guns. They had downed six of them before the plan went off the rails. The shifting desert wind cleared the gas, blowing it harmlessly over the dunes, and the badgers that came out afterwards were less groggy from the effects and more angry about it.
"Careful!" shouted Declan.
The second wave of badgers moved a lot faster, barreling over the troops. Kate and Declan couldn't shoot for fear of hitting their own people, but Steven, thinking quickly, cast up a wall of fire so that the badgers couldn't escape.
"Louisa!" Kate shouted as the morphate made a break towards the melee of soldiers and man-eating badgers. "Dammit!"
With Kate and Declan hot on her heels, Louisa had waded into the fight, throwing her arms around the badgers as they grappled with the flailing soldiers. Before any of them realized what was happening, they were all unconscious, sent to sleep by the morphate's touch.
"Better than a tranq gun!" Louisa said brightly.
"So it seems," Declan agreed.
"What are we supposed to do with fifteen unconscious man-eating badgers?" asked Steven.
"Bait and switch, my friend," said Kate, heading for the vehicle that had the honey badgers in crates in the back. "Preferably before they wake up."
It was cruel, Kate thought, to subject a person to so many timezones and variations in the weather in such a short period of time. Scotland was freezing at this time of year, and the wind off the ocean didn't help matters much.
The island that Declan had selected to house the man-eating badgers was pretty enough, in that bleak Scottish way, and, more importantly, uninhabited, except for rodents and birds. The badgers would have a restricted diet, but they'd be okay here. More importantly, they'd be out of the news.
Kate had her hands in and out of her pocket, alternating between keeping them warm and helping undo cages, and it wasn't until she was safely back on the mainland that she realized she had dropped something.
"Crap!" she said.
"What?" Declan looked up, a little alarmed.
"I've lost my iPod," she said.
"Oh, that's nothing," he said dismissively. "I once had to give my mobile to the colony of intelligent rats that lives underneath London and I forgot to cancel the plan. The bill was tremendous."
"I don't even want to know." Kate was already thinking about the plane and being home.
"I'll buy you a pint," said Declan encouragingly.
"How about a box of flakes?"
finis
Notes: I did my best to make this factually accurate where I could. I'm sure I slipped up (sometimes, on purpose: the actual "man-eating badgers" were near Basra. I moved them to a place with which I am more familiar. I also moved the dates around). I don't really need to know about it, but if I've made a HUGE mistake somewhere, please let me know and I'll think about fixing it. ;)
The intelligent rats are from Antiques by Penknife.
Gravity_Not_Included, September 15, 2011