A/N: Yes, this is a song fic. I'm sorry, I'm not original enough to come up with anything on my own.
Disclaimer: I do not own House MD. Neither do I own Linkin Park's lyrics or anything related to them.
Spoiler Warning: There are a lot of them in here with regards to the Chase/Cameron-ness (for lack of better phrasing) that has been going on recently. And up to 'Finding Judas' with House, so be warned. If not up to date in Season 3 and possible spoilers (although I'm not certain) for beyond, then I caution you before reading! You have been warned!
"Faint"
By: Mercilesstantalus
One Shot
Things in diagnostics were as they always were.
It was as though this place was somehow detached from the rest of the world in which change was rapid, unwelcome yet inevitable. It was, after all, a significant part of life. People were born, fell in love and got married...or not. But inevitably most would produce offspring. And then death, when the young overtaking the old. Change.
This particular department of the Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital remained the same. Yes, slight changes occurred...Foreman was sick, House was better...But eventually Foreman was cured and House brought back to his usual state. Everything ended up being as it was.
House, in particular, never seemed to change. No matter what happened to him he was always the same recluse, the same genius, the same asshole. No matter who came into his life, what anyone said...the most important people to him remained to be his boss and his best friend. Wilson and Cuddy...who also maintained their same personalities. Cuddy was fiery and alluring with and edge of softness to her...Wilson sweet and understanding with a pinch of snark to him - after all, House had to have someone to banter with.
Even Foreman fell into this pattern. Foreman occasionally thought about his lonely existence and found a girl who would hang on his every word...allow him to walk all over her if he chose to. But he never would choose to. And eventually he would be drawn back to the perfectly cool and rational aura of medicine...the nights would get later at work until he would finally break up with the girl and fall back into the same situation, having learned nothing but nevertheless, enjoyed the run.
Cameron...she would be the one to most threaten the scale as she tried so hard to change. She tried to fight back and insult her peers as much as House...push the patients further like House...act as coldly to others as House...but even she fell into the same pattern. Whenever a patient would come in who just needed to be -cared- about, Cameron would fall into line and care her heart out, her former sweet nature shining through in the end.
And then there was Chase.
I am a little bit of loneliness a little bit of disregard
How often had he fallen into this same trap with her? How often had he waited, hung around her, presented himself at the right moment...just to have her give him a slight wave and walk away. Not that he blamed her, exactly, but it was so hard to go home to his small, empty apartment with nothing of dreams of what had been to keep him company.
Handful of complaints but I can't help the fact that everyone can see these scars
It hadn't been his fault that everyone had found out what had happened between them. She was the one who had shown up to work, high. If it had been him, he would have called in sick, but no...Cameron came. And it didn't take long for House to figure it out from there. Chase had never wanted to make a public issue of it. Despite how often House took pleasure it dragging out his personal life, Chase had never enjoyed it, never wanted it to happen.
As naive and young as it may sound, he wanted it to...mean something. He might not look it or at like it at times, but sex was not just fun for him. He did not just do it with Cameron because he had wanted her for years. Naturally, yes, that did have a -bit- to do with it...but he had wanted to share so much more than that with her.
And it wasn't his fault that that was now so obvious.
I am what I want you to want what I want you to feel
It isn't so hard to believe that Cameron had had a good time. No, the fact that they had had sex again, a few times, a year later more than revealed that fact. But even during that time, Chase didn't feel from her what he knew he felt inside. Sure, it might have been a bit of fun, but he did not feel the strong emotion the...caring. It was absent from her when they were together, which made him try all the harder so that, maybe, just maybe, she could feel it too.
But it's like no matter what I do, I can't convince you, to just believe this is real
But life had never been that kind to Chase. No matter how invested he was into them, no matter what he did or said, Cameron never took him seriously. Suggesting, offhandedly, that they get married...yes, it wasn't a good move but he had been so sick of keeping everything inside. But the way she had laughed...what choice did he have but to turn it into a joke? How would she have reacted if he told her how much he had come to care for her?
So I let go, watching you, turn your back like you always do
Of course he couldn't do that. Not to her and not to himself. And the instant he let it go it became nothing at all. Yes, he still tried to fight for her...he still wanted to, at least, have some touch of heaven that came from when they were sleeping together, as torturous as it was...but no.
Face away and pretend that I'm not
As soon as House had caught them, she had obsessed over it for a time, wondering what he would do, how he would get revenge or something of the kind. Never did it cross her mind that maybe he didn't -care- because he didn't -love- her. If she was fooling around with Chase, why should House give a damn? So long as he has Cuddy and Wilson...
Eventually Cameron had caught on to that fact, she stopped sleeping with Chase. Which meant she never had a reason to anyway. She had never even tried to get anything out of the relationship. After all, he was the one that she could never see herself falling in love with...
But I'll be here 'cause you're all that I got
Not that that would ever stop Chase, of course. Even if she was no longer interested...if she had ever been at all...then that didn't change what he felt. His feelings, his -love- was not conditional upon the other person. Chase had learned this at an early age, it was one of the things they had taught at his church growing up. Unconditional love. Even if they treated him like shit, he could still find himself loving them, one way or another.
I can't feel the way I did before
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored
Time won't heal this damage anymore
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored
Still, there is only so far you can push a person's heart until it breaks. Only so much abuse they can take before they snap. Before they realize you are never going to give them what they want and they just have to -force- you to at least -see- them...-hear- them...
Oh, but Cameron was not the only one in his life for whom Chase had strong, conflicting emotions for. Even though the situations were completely different...there is another person in his life...who he cares more about then he wants to admit to them...who treats him like shit most of the time...
I am a little bit insecure a little unconfident
Working under House has been one of the most difficult things that Chase had ever had to do in his life. Which is saying a lot considering he had come from a seminary where nuns beat you with rulers if you misbehave. But still, in spite of that time, and in spite of how he had failed and given up and crawled away from religion...that still wasn't what he was most ashamed of.
House got to him. House got to him a lot more than Chase should let him, but he just couldn't seem to help it. More than anything else he wanted from that man...he wanted some sign of approval. Some notion that he wasn't a -complete- moron. But it was something that Chase -never- got. Cameron and Foreman were praised upon -rare- occasion but never Chase, he was berated at every moment.
Cause you don't understand I do what I can but sometimes I don't make sense
It was either that House didn't know that he really was doing his best or he just didn't care. What Chase didn't understand was that if he knew that then -why- was he keeping him on the staff? If Chase really was such a complete moron then why not fire him and give the position to someone else? Especially after the deal with Vogler which had not been something Chase had -wanted- to do anyway...it had just seemed like the only way to keep his job.
I am what you never wanna say but I've never had a doubt
Which begged the question, why -was- House keeping him on staff? There must be -something- in him that House found worthwhile. True, he could just be kept around to make Foreman and Cameron and especially House look even better by comparison...but Chase didn't think so. House was complicated and therefore his reasons must have been just as complicated. Which meant that Chase -knew- there was something inside him that House found worthwhile...if only he knew what it was and why House couldn't just give him the smallest scrap of appreciation.
It's like no matter what I do I can't convince you for once just to hear me out
Because Chase had been -right- before. He had been right where House had been wrong. He -knew- that the little girl was allergic to light and the only thing to do had been to tell House...But surprise, surprise, House had not changed, even when Chase was right, and the only thing he had gotten for his trouble was a sharp punch in the jaw.
YES he was aware he saved the patient and that sweet little girl could keep all four limbs...but in his own selfish mind...he had done everything he thought he needed to. He had found the secret, solved the puzzle even House couldn't solve...and still, not even a hint of praise, from anyone.
So I let go watching you turn your back like you always do
It was true that House had asked the next time he saw him how his jaw was, but that was the end of it. Everything was supposedly forgiven, or so House assumed. After all, Chase was the punching bag for him to abuse as much as he liked why should something physical change that? And Chase -hadn't- complained. It hadn't been Chase that had gone to Tritter. He had kept his head bent, like a good little lap dog, and focused on the next case.
Face away and pretend that I'm not
Which House had clearly taken as the sign that things were back to normal. He had returned to mocking him just as he ever had, nothing had changed. Chase was still a moron, Chase was still pathetic...whatever the latest insult was, however subtle it was, it was still there. And Chase -felt- the sting of every single one.
But I'll be here 'cause you're all that I've got
Yet like some sort of sick drug he still would not stand up for himself. In spite of what he had told Wilson...that he wasn't waiting anymore...he knew that he still was. It was all that he had left, to get satisfaction from his job. He had absolutely no one to go home to - only the occasional girl he met at a bar with whom Chase would not dirty the word 'relationship' to call what they had - and nothing else that he did. He hardly even -knew- anyone outside of his job so of course things would go back to normal and Chase would wait for even the slightest sign of approval from House.
I can't feel the way I did before
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored
Time won't heal this damage anymore
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored
Sometime...there had to be a time coming when Chase would say that he wasn't waiting and he would mean it. There are only so many times you can call a person a moron until they will either start to believe you and cry themselves to sleep or tell you to fuck off. And given the fact that Chase did graduate from medical school and could have had any number of jobs to go to...he knew he wasn't -really- a moron...not by most standards, anyway.
No
A long time in coming...but eventually the days came, on both fronts.
Hear me out now
You're gonna listen to me, like it or not
Right now
Chase will never forget the shocked and victimized look on Cameron's pretty face when he finally told her. He told her he just couldn't stand how she refused to acknowledge the fact that he genuinely liked it. It was not her place to decide the parameters of their relationship on her own.
Okay, fine, he couldn't make her love him, that wasn't even what he was trying to do. He was just so -sick- of her assuming she could walk all over him. That she could turn to him any time she became sexually frustrated and use him. She had to know -now- that he wasn't going to accept this from her any longer. That the next time she came to have sex with him she better make damn sure she wanted more than just his body because he wanted more from her.
And from the look on her face as he brushed her to the side, finally the one to walk away from -her-...Chase knew that she had finally listened to him.
Hear me out now
You're gonna listen to me, like it or not
Right now
House's reaction to him when Chase finally stood up to him...finally told him he had to stop these pointless demeaning insults if he expect him to keep working for him...was somewhat unexpected. Yes, Chase had told him that he didn't -care- what he said anymore...he could say anything he liked...Chase wouldn't brush it off, wouldn't shove it down the way he had before.
Only because there would be -nothing- to brush off, -nothing- to shove down. House's comments...insults and putdowns would no longer hold any meaning for him.
And for the first time in their entire relationship -Chase- had gotten the last word, walking away from a speechless House.
I can't feel the way I did before I can't feel
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored
Time won't heal
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored
So in answering to Chase...yes, the Australian seemed to be the only one out of the six that truly seemed to be capable of change. While changing yourself so that you could no longer feel would usually seem like a bad idea...because of his job...especially his specialty...and because of his relationships...
It worked for him.