It was hard to handle.
Rage. It was a tedious thing to bear, the all-consuming, unbridled anger that washed over him and settled abruptly. It frequently reared it's ugly head and transformed completely. He would clench his fists. He would spit out slurs rapidly. To hurt was the aim. Physically, verbally, it didn't matter which. It was a matter of releasing the anger. Like a pit viper on a victim. He spoke lies and he spoke the truth but he always spoke the words that would cut the deepest. He had no regard for anyone but himself. This was not a permanent thing. Just frequent enough to become a part of him that he wasn't necessarily proud of.
But when she entered, when she carefully wove herself into his life, he felt the rage slowly slipping away. Frequent became not so frequent. It would never disappear, not completely, but he gained the ability to control it. To filter the rage to ensure that he did not explode at the wrong times. He didn't aim to hurt so much. He didn't want to imagine hurting her. He didn't want to see her cheerful face fall. And he started to care.
To care was a amazing but frightening thing. To have no respect for the world was easy. It required minimal effort, if any. But to suddenly have someone in his life that he gave a damn about ... it was new. It was terrible. It was beautiful. It allowed him to feel again, to push away the solid wall that covered every inch of him. It gave him something to look forward to. It inflected something within him that resembled 'faith'.
To care, he realized much later, was to love. To love Tohru.
Love. It was a tedious thing to bear. Investing so much of himself in one person. Opening his heart, leaving himself raw and vulnerable. It was difficult, for someone as stubborn and hurt and jaded as him.
But she'd smile, and suddenly, it was so very easy.