Box of Chances
Author's Note: For the record, this story has an asynchronic time frame. My idea was to reveal more and more through those kinds of flashbacks and foreshadowing - and to give it a nice twist in some way. The time count goes on from the day of Sam's graduation, since that marks the fallout. So, for example, "Month 4" will be four months after graduation. Furthermore, I don't regard John in 'Supernatural' as an awful father, so this is clearly AU, but I always found it striking to see just how Sam's and Dean's life would have been different with John, well, as more of a bastard than a great parent. So, to all John-Fans, I'm with you. Regard my John as a kind of catalyst to put Sam's and Dean's relationship in the center of attention. I don't own any of the characters of this wonderful show, sadly, neither any trademarks whatsoever. All rights reserved.
As a non-native, I hope you forgive me some grammatical and... more general errors.
This is my first piece of fanfiction published ever, so please, be gentle with me. ;)
Summary: Life is about the choices we make. Dean and Sam learn the very hard way just how even one choice can change everything. Sam is going through a drastic transformation that Dean is afraid of, and a lot of it is due to John. How will the brothers deal with their life turned upside-down? Will Dean be able to save his Sammy or is he lost already? Read to find out! ;)
Week 2
"Sam, are you coming, or what?"
"On my way, on my way. No need to be hustling, Dean, really."
"Well, dad said we should be outside town by now, and guess what? We are still in the motel room," the older brother argues with his fiery green eyes as he shoulders his duffel. Sam grabs his jacket from the hook and catches up with the older man. With that they close the door, return the keys to the ugly receptionist, and then leave for the black beauty, a wonderful 1967 Chevrolet Impala, the one place they actually call home. They pack their stuff into the trunk and start down the road.
"I honestly expected a better retort to the very last, Sam," Dean says jokingly, even if there lies more than that within this statement. Since Sam graduated from High School, the teen turned somewhat non-talkative. And that is something truly against Sam's usual nature. The older brother can still recall more than vividly the evenings they spent together, alone at home, while their dad was yet on another hunt, and Sam filled the empty space with hours of conversation in which he simply told Dean everything he knew and made the older forget about the claimed – but actually not – broken TV or the little hole that their father left with leaving another time – with just a note on the table, next to a stash of money for the next couple of days. And why had Dean claimed the TV to be broken? Just to hear Sam talking about everything and nothing. Sam's childish, innocent, bubbly personality and his glistering eyes that seemed to suck in the entire world if given the chance had always fascinated the older brother, but since that day… that Sam suddenly seemed so far away. And, even if Dean would never admit, he misses that boy, a lot, actually.
"Well, we were late and dad is going to bitch anyways," Sam says with a shrug.
"Yeah, well, he'll survive that. I mean, I know… his biological clock is ticking and you can clearly see it in his face… but, you know, it's not gonna kill him to wait for five minutes," Dean tries to reassure his brother. Sam just snorts at that, leaning back in his seat.
"And that is why you were so pushy? Because it didn't matter?" the younger man retorts with a somewhat cocky grin on his face.
"I was just joking around, geez. No reason to take it seriously, Sammy," Dean sighs.
"We should just get on the next hunt," Sam exhales, his eyes drifting off to the window.
"Didn't think I'd hear that coming from your mouth, Sam. You know, couple of weeks ago you would have whined all the way from here to Minnesota coz we were taking that damned hunt!" Dean laughs drily. Yeah, usually Sam would have been all moody over this, would have argued about him being busy with other stuff, that the hunts weren't as important, but now… now Sam says nothing when they get the next hunt. He doesn't argue much anyways, not even about the showers. Before, he and Dean always started cat-fights over the question of who gets first shower, but now Sam always lets Dean have it first. Dean tried many times to revive those lovely arguments, by pushing Sam into wanting the first, using up all the hot water, everything, but Sam just shrugged. He shrugged a lot lately. The worst was that Dean's pranks and jokes had no impact on Sam anymore. When he used up all the hot water, Dean waited for a shriek coming from the bathroom, but he could only hear the water running, for a pretty long time, because Dean, a little sensitive about this himself, hates it to take cold showers, and if he really has to, he makes it as short as he possibly can, but Sam stayed even longer under there than Dean did, and Dean was using up all the hot water, which took quite some time. And when Sam came out, his face gave nothing away, no anger, not the slightest bit of a cocky expression, no laughter, nothing, it was as if Sam didn't even realize the water was ice cold, as if he actually chose it to be that way, and even when Dean tried to push him into being angry at him for exactly that reason… Sam just said it wasn't that bad and that Dean can have all the hot water he wants.
"Well, now school's over, right? So what other to focus on, huh?" Sam shrugs another time. Dean really starts to hate it when Sam shrugs that much.
"Dunno, just thought you'd maintain that," Dean sighs. And at some point he actually wished that Sam maintained that part of his personality because that is another essential part of Sam, his Sammy.
"Was probably a phase, dude," Sam shrugs another time and Dean is that close to slap him in the neck for always shrugging.
"And what if that was a phase just now?" Dean asks with half a smirk on his lips.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Sam frowns.
"Well, what if you are in a phase just now and your actual personality is all about being bitchy?" Dean questions with a smirk, even if the matter itself is serious, at least it is to him.
"Then I don't want my personality to be that way. I'm done playing stupid. People can change, you know?" Sam says, glancing out of the window again.
"But do you wanna change?" Dean asks with a rather serious tone in his voice.
"Dude, what's gotten into you? Be happy that I give up on being the bitchy little brother, alright? And if it makes you happy, YES, I am thrilled about the change. I want it to be that way, period," the younger teen snaps to Dean's surprise. Winchesters are born liars, but Dean can still read his brother the best, and right now that was a lie, well, not only, but something Sam wants to make himself believe, quite desperately, even if his entire system is fighting it like a virus. Yeah, he tries to convince himself to believe in that, with all his might.
"What's wrong, Sam? You can tell me," Dean says, now in a softer voice.
"There's nothing wrong with me, really, geez. What are you always thinking, huh? I'm just… adjusting to full-time hunting and everything. You know, since school's out I got a lot more spare time and I have to think of ways of how to fill them. You said yourself, I am finally free now, Dean," Sam says, looking a little more credible this time. He is meeting Dean's gaze with his huge hazels, and if Dean didn't know better, he would say that they look watery in some way, sad, but he tries to push these feelings aside because… because… yeah, well why, actually? Dean doesn't know himself. He spent so much time convincing Sam of stopping to bitch about everything and nothing, butt-heading with their dad about the hunts, and regard the job as the second important in life, right after the family. And his dad had prayed for the very same thing, with a firm grip. And now Dean is the one who demands from Sam to actually not be what he was asked to be? Yeah, it sounds ridiculous, but… truth to be told, Dean, at some point, actually appreciated Sam's rebellious side because he verbalized on several occasions what Dean was feeling deep inside, too. Not that he had ever told the younger sibling, but Sam, when he told John, after spending weeks away on a hunt, leaving them to themselves at such a young age, he didn't care enough for his – so said – priority in life and instead put the hunts in front of the family, that is when Sam's stubbornness really impressed Dean, made him proud, but now there are no longer these fights, there are no arguments, John always gets his way, unless Dean, to his very own surprise, starts to argue about the hunt or the approach.
"Dean?" a far off voice inside his head brings Dean back to the Impala, Sam glancing at him with a deep frown.
"What?" asks Dean, still getting his mind set back to the Impala and his brother next to him.
"I asked why you didn't want to get out of the car. Dad's waiting. You alright?" he asks, now with a shimmer of brotherly concern present in Sam's features.
"Yeah, yeah, was just… thinking…" Dean says. Sam gives a faint nod, not fully convinces because he is the one to read Dean the very best, but gives Dean credit for the fact that the hunt was gruff and that he is perhaps a little lost in thoughts about the events.
"Well, don't break your head while you're at it," Sam smirks, looking a little more like the former Sammy Dean starts to miss with every day passing. Sam opens the door and gets out to walk over to their father, who is leaning against his truck. They exchange a few words, and that is when Dean realizes for the very first time that he is right with what he has in mind. Now he gets Sam finally from the right angle to really see him. John smirks at something, Sam responds weakly, before he turns his head away, his brown curls covering his eyes, Sam bites his lip and his features sag, saddened, defeated. And then, after a moment, Sam puts on a grin again and says something else to John, as if nothing ever happened. And that is why Dean is really shocked. Sam is putting on a masquerade, in front of his family, for what reason? He isn't entirely sure, but he has to find out. Dean gets out of the car and trots over to the others.
"Took you long enough there, son," John grumbles underneath his breath.
"Yeah, sorry, I was…" Dean responds weakly, uncomfortably shifting his weight from right to left leg.
"… lost in thoughts about our next gig because he is totally itching to get to work," Sam completes with a genuine smile.
"Well, that's good to hear, Dean. Okay, we'll drive to Minnesota now. Caleb says that Wendigo is short before going wild. We gotta take that thing out before it does further harm," John says in his gruff tone.
"Yeah, as always. Well, we can be by the borders tonight, and then we can do the rest of the ride morrow," Dean shrugs.
"Yeah, even if I'd like to speed things up, but we need to research before anyways, so we'll stay for the night in a nearby motel, like you said," John agrees.
"No, not necessarily, uhm… here!" Sam interrupts as he reveals a blue-ish paper folder, every paper neatly stashed inside, that you can see even with it still being closed. He hands it to the equally surprised John as he once glances at his youngest and then at his oldest, who has a deep frown on his face. John opens the folder to find all necessary information in it: printed articles from the internet with marks all over, neatly cut out newspaper pages, notes, maps with encircled locations, probably the most likeable areas for the Wendigo, even photographs of each victim and a short background are in the folder. Dean and John are just bound to stare at the work.
"Something wrong with you two? I mean, if it isn't good enough, we can still gather information once we get there, but you don't have to give me the silent treatment, you know?" Sam frowns at the two older men, who are finally snapping out of the stiffness, and setting into motion.
"No, Sam, we were just… surprised, especially me, since I was with you the whole time and I didn't realize you doing such thorough research. We were pretty busy with our own case anyways," Dean says, still glancing at the folder.
"Well, I told you I got more spare time now. I gotta fill it with something useful," Sam explains.
"Yeah, but you were busy with our job. We didn't have spare time at all," Dean argues.
"Night's long, dude. And anyways, it's not the matter when I did it, but that I did it. So is this useful, dad?" Sam shrugs as he turns his gaze back to his father.
"It is, son… so let's try to get to the town in one day and then find ourselves a motel there," John explains, before taking the folder and putting it into his truck.
"But I thought we wanted to…" Dean intervenes, but he is interrupted by John's strong voice.
"I said that we stay close to border if we didn't have to do research, but in fact we don't have to, so we'll try to cover as much distance as we can manage. Now get in the car. We gotta get going," John orders, leaving Dean without another argument. Usually he is good at shooting back responses, but… with his dad, he always had trouble talking back, in contrast to Sam. And probably that's also reason why Dean appreciated Sam's rebellious side deep inside. Sam did what he couldn't, but now… now there is no one to verbalize his deep down thoughts for him anymore. Dean has to do it himself, and he has the feeling he actually sucks at this really bad.
Suddenly Dean feels a grip on his jacket and realizes it is Sam who is pulling him away, back to the car. Dean follows after another stare. Soon they are back in the car and just as fast they are driving down the roads to Minnesota.
"So what the hell, Sam?" Dean breaks out.
"What the hell what, Dean?" Sam shoots back.
"Don't think I didn't catch the part about nights being long and everything, which implies that you did the research in the middle of the night, what would explain how it comes you could do so much research without my realization," Dean argues in a loud voice.
"Well, I think it's kinda my business how I want to spend my nights, right? I don't argue about you banging every bar maid you can find, even if she is missing her front row of teeth," shoots Sam back.
"That's not the topic and she just missed one tooth and she had a replacement that needed to be fixed… but anyways, you are supposed sleep during the nights, especially when we are on the gigs. You need your sleep, dude!" Dean retorts, eyes planted on the younger man.
"I couldn't, so I spent my time otherwise, so what?" Sam shrugs and Dean is really just an inch away from smacking Sam for that bloody shrugging all the time.
"And why couldn't you sleep, Sam?" Dean asks, a deep growl in his throat.
"Just had a lot on mind, alright?" Sam shoots back.
"Sam, really, what's the matter with you? Since school's out… you're… not yourself," Dean exhales. He didn't want to say that out loud, but something is wrong, obviously, and Dean always wants to fix things, actually that's one of his main purposes in life.
"I am myself. I am not possessed. Or if you don't believe me, hand me the flask of holy water. I'll take a sip just to prove you otherwise," Sam says, totally indifferently.
"I believe you that you're not possessed. Sam, you are simply… so… everything you didn't use to be before," Dean sighs.
"Maybe I'm just going for a make-over, Dean," Sam exhales through pursed lips.
"Meaning what exactly?" the older man frowns.
"Meaning that I, perhaps, wanna handle things differently from now on, be someone else? Try out something new? Is that forbidden, or what?" Sam asks with an angry face.
"It's not forbidden. I am just… worried, you know?" Dean explains with honesty in the voice.
"Well, then don't be. There's nothing you need to worry about. Everything is perfectly fine. Everything is awesome, terrific. We're all together, perfect. We are on a hunt, which is just as jolly. What else could I wish for, huh?" the younger man curses with venom in his voice.
"Sam… I…" – Dean is simply speechless. He didn't expect such an outburst from his younger brother, but now that it is there. It actually hits him pretty hard.
"Just forget it, Dean. It's nothing, really. I'm still me, deep inside. I'm your brother, nothing is going to change about that, ever, I promise," Sam then says in a rather soft voice, in the manner he used to say things when Sam was still Sammy to Dean. The older hunter gulps once as the heavy lump in his throat settles in.
"Of course we are brothers, Sammy… but I… you're simply different from before…," Dean sighs.
"I'm going for a make-over, Dean, that means I change," Sam explains calmly.
"But maybe I don't want you to change!" Dean exclaims, but Sam's eyes seem indifferent to that reaction.
"I don't wanna argue with you, alright? Can we leave that for later?" Sam then bargains.
"Okay, okay, but… we gotta talk about that sometime, Sam," Dean argues.
"But for now let's just… drive to the next gig, alright? I'm done talking, Dean," Sam whispers before he leans his head against the windows, eyes getting lost in the passing vast lands that lie ahead of them. Dean shakes his head, fixing on the road. That is not the Sam he used to know. That is a stranger in the seat next to him, and Dean wants nothing but the old Sammy back.