Mary and Gary go to Hogwarts

Spoilers: All Harry Potter books and a large collection of fanfics.

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by J.K. Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros. Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

Warnings: Parody; anything you recognise is intentional. XD

M-rated fic for future chapters; severe OOC and AU; multiple Cliché use; character deaths; and anything else we can think of along the line. We welcome suggestions. The worse the cliché, the happier you will make us. ;p

Please note that the authors of this masterpiece spent a lot of time digging this shi..eeee…, these priceless facts up for you!

If you recognise your story here - well, tough luck! Or… stop being so bleeding paranoia. ;p

Tom/Voldemort - by Nerys

Hermione/ whatever Sue - by Ssserpensssotia

We, Nerys and Serpie, hereby solemnly swear that we are up to no good.

Mary and Gary go to Hogwarts

Prologue: the end of the beginning

There were flashes of green and red all over the place. The Death Eaters had finally attacked Hogwarts. On the hill above the battlefield stood a lonely figure, looking down at the battle with gorgeous hazelnut with sparks of chocolate and caramel eyes. The billowing Armani cloak was dark red with silver stars and diamonds. Versace, high-heeled, black leather boots made her look taller. Even though she had changed dramatically over the summer, she was still pretty short. Her gorgeous straight blond hair with red and blue highlights flew in the wind like a free bird. She was adorned with expensive jewellery and you could smell her delicious perfume in the range of one mile.

Scratching her naked belly, that was adorned with a huge diamond in her belly-button and a glistering butterfly tattoo all over her well trained muscled four-pack, Hermione noticed that her skin turned a darker shade of melted chocolate mixed with the purest cream. The Magical Solarium made her soft shaved skin look even sexier. Her tight green Moschino tank-top with butterflies and magical stones suited well with her short pink shorts that brought to light her round, well trained buttocks. Purple lip-gloss and blue eye shadow made her look like a queen. Huge expensive rings on every finger of her feminine hands matched with the long sharp black nails with stars and golden circles. All in all, she looked smashing.

'Unlike Ginny Weasley,' the beautiful creature thought.

She could still remember how that stupid bitch Ginny-The-Ho made fun of her only three months ago. Now, however, it was Ginny who was the loser. It was no longer Ginny-The-Ginger who held the title of the most beautiful female in Hogwarts. No one realised that the gorgeous woman was indeed Hermione Granger, until the beauty sat down with the Gryffindors at the welcoming feast.

Ginny-The-Ho was speechless.

With an air of superiority around her, Hermione thought that just a month ago she had become one of the most successful witches of her time both in the Wizarding world and the Muggle world. And this most successful witch of her time found out about the approaching battle only a few minutes ago when she was enjoying herself at the most famous Wizarding Spa-salon, which only allowed famous pure-bloods in. Over the summer, she became their most welcomed client, having more money and power than the Malfoys. When she found out that she was not really a Granger, but a Black Gryffindor Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell Cucaracha Merlin, Hermione was shocked. How dared those Grangers lie to her! All those times, when she had cried alone in bed at night, because she was teased for being a Mudblood, she had been the purest of them all!! She hadn't spoken to her adoptive family for the horror and heartache they had put her through ever since.

Hermione, or Maryione Hermito Superfly Morgan Nerys Serpie Sue, as this was her real name, found a lot of new friends over the summer. Draco was really nice to her, as well as Lucius, and they would dine in the most expensive restaurant every day. No one recognised her and she was very glad about it. Every day she would go shopping with her new best friend, Mary Sue Two. Then, they would visit the spa and go dancing. Maryione's perfectly shaped body with womanly curves and long shaved legs brought her a lot of attention. Every male wanted her and she knew it. Listening to her i-Pod or chatting on her fashionable mobile phone (pink with Swarowski stones), she always noticed how every single head turned her way when she walked by in her extremely short, pink, Dolce & Gabbana dress. Every night she would go parting with her new friends and every night she was the queen. Maryione also found out that she had a magical voice and she started singing for public. Everyone was stunned by her beauty and charm.

Once in a while, Maryione Hermito Superfly Morgan Nerys Serpie Sue Black Gryffindor Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell Cucaracha Merlin would think about her real parents. Her mother was Merlinda Jennifer Elizabeth Mary Dovalenetrix Boob Black Hufflepuff Gryffindor Ravenclaw, who left her an enchanted letter that explained everything about her tragic and sad past. Her father was a pure-blood Drug-Potions-baron from Columbia. His name was Huan Batista Pedro Peverell Cucaracha Merlin and he was a descendant of Merlin himself. They both died allegedly in a car crash. But Maryione now knew the truth. They died to protect her and her amazing magical powers.

Now, however, her thoughts were somewhere else. She had to locate Harry and Lord Voldemort, so she could help him destroy the Dark Lord. No matter what the prophecy said Maryione knew deep in her heart, she was the only one who could bring down the Master of All Evil. Using her elemental Mage magic, which she had kept a secret from everybody, the smashing, lonesome figure scanned the battlefield. When she noticed her prime targets, she turned into one of her Animagus forms – a Black Royal Phoenix – and simply appeared in a flash of dark fire in the heart of the battle. She saw Bellatrix Lestrange and immediately cast a tornado of ice-fire onto her. The force was so strong that it killed not only the crazy witch, but also some bystanders. However, this no longer concerned the power driven, perfect girl. It was like time stood still. Everybody froze when Harry called out to You-Know-Who, everybody except the little, Know-It-All, Princess. She had a plan. It was a brilliant plan that would save everyone.

XXX

Green flashes and dark smoke were everywhere. People were screaming in terror and on the smouldering bricks of what once was known as the castle "Hogwarts" stood a tall, skeleton man. His long, pitch-black, silk cloak was bellowing impressively around him in the wind, making his snakelike, pale features and fiery, crimson eyes seem even more frightening. Naturally, the Dark Lord had to be tall, since a person's length is equal to his power. Every other wizard who was anybody in this magical universe was tall. He even had some surgeon lengthen him when he realised this, so nowadays he was longer than ever before and therefore he was invincible. Since baby boy Potter was only of mediocre length, he was not worried.

No, only one person had been an exception to his length equals strength of magical abilities rule, but she, the queen of his black and lonely soul, had left him during his last year in Hogwarts. It had broken his fragile, unsure heart, which had never been opened to anyone before, so he had promised himself to never care about another ever again in order to never feel this terrible pain once more. He steeled himself firmly against the foolish notion of love that day and became the greatest sorcerer in the world.

A familiar swirl of dark fire illuminated the corners of his eyes, but when he was about to turn to scan for its source and see the Black Royal Phoenix he knew so well, Potter spoke.

'Voldemort.'

'Potter.'

All the fighting around them stopped abruptly to watch them, because that is how things happen in a war. A strange tornado of ice-fire struck, among others, Bellatrix Lestrange in the chest. But he never saw the little, stunning witch, who was responsible for the death of his most faithful one, or he would have paid a bit more attention to what happened there, instead of focusing on the boy whose eyes were like his mother's; sparkling, green emeralds. But the Dark Lord had this planned perfectly. He knew exactly how to defeat the boy.

'Accio glasses,' He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named waved lazily.

His cold, high-pitched laugh flew across the grounds as The-Boy-Who-Lived-And-Lived-And-Lived-Some-More was blinded by the lack of his prosthesis. Glasses. Lord Voldemort hated people with glasses. It was such a feeble, physical weakness. Even that old coot wore them. Though, he had the impression Dumbledore only did so to make himself look mighty interesting by being able to watch over something with twinkling, blue eyes. No, Lord Voldemort killed everyone who wore glasses around him. Once in a while the Dark Lord had wanted to put glasses on, since he was getting older each day, but he had no nose to hold them, so he hated everybody else who wore glasses. And let's face it, no real wizard or witch wore them after all. It was a Muggle thing and he hated everything Muggle. His first kill was a girl who wore stupid, thick glasses. And even though his Basilisk did it, he knew from that day on he had found his true mission in life; to rid the world of all those who could not perform a simple Vision-Enhancement Charm.

It's how he picked the Potter boy out of the two from the prophecy. The Longbottoms all had twenty-twenty vision, while James Potter was known to be equally disadvantaged as his pathetic son. Thrice he gave the man an opportunity to perform the charm to enhance his eyesight, but he refused and defied him blatantly on the issue the Dark Lord valued most beside blood. So he knew the boy from the prophecy had to be James' son, Harry. Glasses, they were a true testament how Muggle-borns and Muggles alike tainted the Wizarding World and robbed them all of their powers. None of his followers were allowed to wear them. People assumed he had killed Snape to get the Elder Wand, but it was not the whole truth. He had also heard rumours online that the man wore reading glasses to look like an intellectual in order to seduce everybody's favourite Mudblood.

Myrtle - dead. James Potter - dead. Dumbledore - dead. Snape - dead. Trelawney - dead.

'Avada Kedavra,' he cast.

And Harry James Potter - dead.

Life was perfect. He killed everyone in the Wizarding World who wore them. All that was left were those whose blood was equally filthy as those prosthetic devices. A furious shriek echoed on the otherwise silenced field. When Potter's body fell down with a loud 'thud', a swirl of enormous power appeared in front of Voldemort's shocked eyes. This swirl turned into a female, whose eyes were glowing silver while flashes of light appeared from her ears. She held no wand because her palms were wide open and balls of electric light were erupting from them. Many people gasped when the castle that was build by the Founders rose from the ashes upon the call of the girl's most powerful ancient magic. Lord Voldemort looked confused at the most beautiful creature in the whole wide world. Who was she? He had never seen such power and elegance. He raised his wand at her with uncertainty. Her hands started fumbling on her platinum gold necklace and the most beautiful chocolate brown eyes with sparks of gold and crashed hazelnuts looked straight at him when she lifted her head.

'You have not won yet,' she said defiantly and used her hidden power once again.

This time, however, instead of turning into the Black Royal Phoenix, Maryione sat on the ground turning her left ankle three times to the north and five times to the east, clapped her hands six times and sang a sad song. Everybody was so shocked to see the girl using the ancient Elfish Mage Magick that nobody moved when Maryione jumped from the ground and farted so loud that the walls of Hogwarts almost turned into ruins again.

'Oh, sweet Merlin's pants!' cried one of the Death Eaters. 'She's the Lost Ruby! She's using the most powerful magic ever existed.'

Maryione, however, was already flying towards Hogwarts with the speed of a Concord and the grace of the hippo. When she reached the entrance to the castle, she turned around and, having farted again, she disappeared.

Pain struck Lord Voldemort's stone heart as she disappeared again in a flash of light.

'Ma-Mary-Maryione?' he stuttered, having finally recognised her, since the most brilliant wizard of all never made the connection between Potter's Mudblood and the girl he knew such a long time ago.

Maryione apparated directly in front of the gargoyle that was guarding the Head's Office and was about to tell it the password when the gargoyle said: 'Who are you and what do you want?'

Looking arrogantly at the stupid stone creature, Maryione answered: 'It is I, Maryione Hermito Superfly Morgan Nerys Serpie Sue Black Gryffindor Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell Cucaracha Merlin, and I'm here with a secret mission that was given to me by Professor Dumbledore. The secret mission is called "Go back 57 years into the past, find Tom Riddle, make friends with him and help him become a good boy". The mission was directed by Albus Dumbledore, code name White Bee; the undercover agent – Maryione Hermito Superfly Morgan Nerys Serpie Sue Black Gryffindor Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Peverell Cucaracha Merlin, code name Mary Sue.'

With a heavy sigh, the gargoyle let Maryione into the office. She was only there for a couple of seconds when Maryione heard somebody trying to enter the office as well. Without a second thought, as well as a first, a woman formerly known as Hermione Granger turned the Time-Turner and disappeared.