Title – I Will Not Bow
Summary: Sam reflects on life since he opened the door and set Lucifer free. POV set after 5.10..
Spoilers/Warnings: None really. Minor ones for season 5.
Wordcount: about 1000…slightly less than that.
Author's Note: First ever standalone monologue *is nervous*
Oh and I'm looking for a beta reader. Is anyone interested?
I don't want to be let down
I don't want to live my life again
Don't want to be led down the same old road
So I don't want to be let down
I don't want to live my lies again
Don't want to be led down the same old road
Two more friends lost two people I love gone. Just like that. How can we continue doing this? We've lost everyone; they died so we could get out. They sacrificed themselves for us. I want to win this war; I do. But is it worth winning if there is no one left to celebrate with? No one left to save. What's the point of living if there's barely anything in your life that means anything?
All of this is his fault - Lucifer. I don't know how he can stand there and justify his bullshit. I don't know why what he says affects me so much. I listen to him and I think that we have may have been a similar situations but I'm nothing like him, then I realise that I did what he did. I wanted more control; I thought I was better than everybody else. The only difference is that Dean didn't push me away; not completely anyway. I can't help wondering though, if we hadn't reconciled where would I be now? What would I be doing? The startling thing is that I can see it clearly; I can see that I would have said yes because being alone is the worst thing that could happen to me. But he's not going to stop coming after me is he? And he…he might do something to Dean and I'm not sure if I can take that chance. I don't want to be the one who destroys the world, but I won't let him hurt Dean. I just can't see this ending with us on the winning side. Either I say yes or Dean says yes. Or we both say yes. I don't even want to thinking about that. 'Cause fighting Dean…it's the last thing I'd one to do. I don't want to go down that road again. But in some ways I can see how it's our destiny and I've always been a firm believer; we can pretend that it's all okay. Sweep it all under the table, pretend that we can see the huge, black cloud hanging over us.
I get angry with myself all the time. This is my fault right? I know it is; I opened the door. I let my tormenter out. Unleashed pure evil. It's like I was just part of some over complicated chess game and I've been discarded to the side. I don't feel like I'm doing anything to fix this; I know that I'm not. I just…I don't know what to do. Is killing Lucifer really the only option we have? Is he really the bad guy in all of this? Am I stupid for doubting what I've believed for what seems like my entire life? Lucifer is evil; the angels certainly aren't innocent in all of this. Dean and I aren't free of blame either. So who's the bad guy here? Who's the one that has to be defeated in the end? I haven't told anyone this but I think it's me. Right now I'm my own worst nightmare. I've been feeling more and more helpless as the weeks go on and the urge is coming back. The urge to feel power coming from within me; from my deepest core. I'm not going to lie; it felt good to be using my powers. I felt good, and that what is was all about then. Sam Winchester, the great hero -trying to pretend that he was saving his brother from himself. In the end he needed to be saved from me. But it's...its different this time. This is epic; bigger than anything we've ever fought before.
Take a breath
Hold it in
Start a fight
You won't win
Had enough
Let's begin
Nevermind
I don't care
I'm doing it again; getting lost in my head. I just don't want to live my lies again. But I'm lying to everybody. There's so much hate in me that's directed at me. Everything bad that's happened to me and Dean has revolved around me. Mom. That was my fault. Dad - my fault. Dean dying - most definitely my fault. It is all my fault. If I had stayed dead we wouldn't be in this mess. My brother wouldn't blame me; he still does. Part of me thinks he always will. Some days I pray that I won't make it even if we win. Just so he can let go of me, because if I fall again...he won't be able to save me.
All I can do is hope that I get to rip Lucifer apart myself. Find out what's really going on beneath his hard exterior and cold eyes. Because I won't say yes. I will not bow down to anyone, not the angels, certainly not him.
Maybe killing him will give me what I need the most.
Redemption.
So i'll find what lies beneath
Your sick twisted smile
As I lay underneath
Your cold jaded eyed
Now you turn the tide on me
'cause you're so unkind
I will always be here
For the rest of my life
Lyrics taken from "What Lies Beneath" by Breaking Benjamin and "Let Down" by Chester Bennington.