Author's note: So I changed the story guys. But just a little...there really isn't any difference now is there? I corrected some wrongs I found and changed some of it. But...it's still pretty strange and I still don't understand where it came from. Oh yeah it's still kinda went out of my hands, yes I just wrote it down not knowing what I was doing really. That's probably the reason why I thinks it's so strange and all...anyway Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own Ouran High School Host Club neither do I own Hikaru or Kaoru. There you go!

Warnings: Twincest and yaoi

The bed creaked when the teenage redhead turned in it.

'2am…tonight again huh?' he thought sadly to himself.

He closed his eyes trying to focus on something else than imaginary footsteps running up the stairs and heading for his door. …it didn't work…not at all.

He grunted and sat up in the bed, hitting his fist in the madras. The fist dissolved and rested on the crinkled sheets.

"Damn it…" he said…with no force what so ever in his voice almost like he was drained of all his strength.

The redhead looked out the window watching the rain smash against it, the raindrops running down along it forming small streams after themselves.

Somehow they pissed him off, the way they so carelessly run down towards the edge of the window and down towards the ground…together not alone. Two drops caught his eye when they seemed to be circling close alongside with the other, to slow down and after a while spread from one and another. The redhead turned away from the window gripping the sheets tightly with his fingers.

"Just like you and me…" the redhead said with the same drained voice.

How long had it been going on now? A year? A month? A week? He didn't know…not anymore, his heart couldn't take the pain of the knowledge.

All he could focus on was to make sure his life didn't fall apart, like his heart was. He studied when he needed to, slept when needed to, ate when needed to…smiled when needed to.

The boy sighed heavily.

The pain. The pain was enormous each time that he smiled, that fake host like smile. No it wasn't the smile itself that hurt him that much. But what was hurting him was that no one noticed how fake it was…no one saw his pain…not even his other half.

When had it begun…when had the pain struck him? Why did he even feel so horrible? Why did it hurt? …it was something about a boy…no a girl…she'd come into their lives and then everything changed. He left his side…yes now he remembered…the pain had started when she had come. Little by little it had sneaked up on him taking over him without him realizing until it was too late for him to fight it.

The boy whimpered, he pulled his knees up and hugged them, nuzzling his face towards his knees, pressing his wet eyes hard against them.

Images…so many images…painful images, memories…their talking, laughing, holding hands, touching…kissing.

His body shivered he was freezing, but still he was sweating, the drops from his forehead met his salty tears running down his chin and along his throat.

His sobs became higher and more violent for each second that past, he cursed himself mentally for his weak mind.

His grip tightened and his nails buried themselves into his knees, small amount of red liquid run down along his fingers. The boy looked at them with ignorant, tearful eyes.

He slid out of the bed, flinching when his bare foot touched the cold floor, and walked towards the bathroom.

The lights burned his eyes when he turned them on, he raised his hand in an attempted to protect them from the hard light.

He turned his narrowed eyes towards the mirror meeting his golden brown eyes, his red…no…his strawberry blond hair, his pale soft skin, his beautifully pink lips…oh how he loved them…his entire face…he reached out touching the reflection lightly and pulled away from the cold glass…yes glass, not warm skin as he had hoped.

His eyes, his nose, his mouth, his entire face looked exactly like his…his other half. But his other half was warm and…alive. But his other half was never with him anymore, they never spent time together anymore…he was…alone.

"Why does he like her so much? What makes her so special? Why does he wanna touch her and not me? Why…why does he…choose her over me?" the boy whispered the words as if he had a hard time believing them.

His hands gripped the sink, hard, very hard, so hard that his knuckles became white from the pressure.

"Why? Why…do you…love her?" he said with the outmost discomfort.

He didn't want to admit it…the fact that he loved her, that he wanted to be with her and not him.

A sound of glass crashing and flesh being ripped was heard, glass fell to the floor and over the sink, followed by blood.

The boy looked at the broken, slightly bloody mirror, down to the bloody sink and up to the mirror again. He was stunned he couldn't believe he'd done that. He had broken the mirror and…with his bare hand.

The cut was a little bit too deep to be ignored…it would probably leave a scar on the side of his right hand. But he didn't care…he didn't mind the pain either. In fact he welcomed it…the pain. It made him forget the much worse pain…but it didn't last for long. He soon felt the other pain in his chest again, just slightly worse than before. He wanted it to stop…the pain. He didn't wanna feel this way anymore.

His eyes wandered towards the pieces of glass in the sink, glimmering in the bathroom light.

"He's not coming back…he won't come back." The words were said with such a weak voice that they were barely heard.

The boy stretched his hand out grabbing a large piece of glass.

"I'm alone…"

His grip tightened round the piece of glass and it dug deep into his already wounded hand. He looked down watching the blood run down his arm and drip down into the sink, mixed up with his tears.

"Damn it!" he cried in a low voice, eyes closed soon to be opened to watch the now scattered reflection of his.

His eyes wandered back to his hand with the bloody piece of glass. He lifted it up towards his wrist, his hand was shaking violently.

Closer…closer…his breath became irregular. He lowered his hand and took a heavy breath trying to calm himself…tried to stop his body from shaking.

He closed his eyes calming himself. The very instant that he closed them they appeared in front of him touching, kissing. His eyes flung open starring into the broken mirror.

Once again he lifted the piece of glass this time with new strength.

Closer and closer towards his wrist until the cold glass touched his pale skin. He swallowed hard and…

"Kaoru!"

The boy responded to his name being yelled right next to him, startled by the sound he tossed the piece of glass away from himself and turned towards the door, where his eyes met two identical ones…terrified ones.

"W-what are you doing?" his brother asked in a worried voice.

Kaoru couldn't speak, he couldn't move. All he could do was to stare right into his beloved brothers eyes.

"Kaoru! Answer me! What were you doing?" this time his brother took a step inside the room.

Kaoru instinctively took a step back away from his brother not wanting him to see what he had done, how he felt.

His brother stopped looking puzzled and worried. His eyes wandered from Kaoru's face to the mirror and sink noticing the blood and with terrified eyes looking at his brother examining him from head to toe. He discovered Kaoru's wounded hand and without any more hesitation run through the room gripping his brother's hand.

"W-what have you done?" he said with a low worried voice.

Kaoru looked up from the floor and met his brother's eyes, making his eyes fill up with tears again. Once more he cursed himself for his incapability to keep his tears inside.

"K-Kaoru? His brother said in a soft voice stroking his cheek.

The wounded boy looked down quickly not wanting to meet the hurt in his brother's eyes. He took a step backwards opening his mouth to say a pathetic lie that he would use as an excuse. But the slightly stronger twin gripped his bleeding wrist harder pulling him back.

"What the fuck have you done Kaoru?" he was screaming now his voice filled with fear.

"n-noth-" he started but he was cut off by his brother's cry.

"Don't fucking lie to me Kaoru! Y-you…you were about to…to kill…yourself…"

The wounded boy looked up with terrified eyes and met his other half's feeling disgusted with himself. What were he suppose to say know? He knew…he had seen him…he saw the blood…he knew! …that meant he would…find out about his secret, about his feelings.

"Kaoru…?" his voice was so soft, worried and kind

His grip on Kaoru's wrist loosened which gave Kaoru the opportunity to break free from it entirely, ending up sitting on the cold bathroom floor with his back against the wall and eyes focused on a small patch on the tile.

The twins froze in there positions. None of them moved during the silence...all that was heard was the small, choked whimpers from Kaoru.

"…why are you crying?"

None of them moved and nothing was said the only difference was Kaoru's whimpers became louder and he started to shake more violently.

"…Kaoru…answer me! His voice was irritated but it just barely covered the worry in it.

The named one jumped a little from this and the shaking got worse and he could no longer contain the whimpers that started to sound more like cries…but he still didn't answer…he just sat there crying as silently as he could, curling up in a defensive way.

The silence continued with unease. The older twin didn't dare to say anything more in case his brother would cut him of completely. The younger on the other hand didn't know what to say and in a way he didn't wanna say anything…but at the same time he felt like he needed to say something…to make this right…somewhat right…

"H-Hik…" he said with a weak voice but he was brutally cut off.

The older twin grabbed the younger ones shoulders and forced him to look at him. The twins eyes met ones again the younger ones filled with tears, the older ones with worry, anger and…guilt?

Kaoru's eyes diverted of from his brother's and he fought to find words that never came…but he didn't need them since his brother broke the silence.

"Kaoru…for fuck sake Kaoru!" he lowered his head when he said this leaving the younger one startled by his words…afraid of how he chose to continue.

He did so by leaning his head on Kaoru's shoulder making the younger stiffen and skip a breath along with a heartbeat.

"H-Hikaru?" he said with a faint voice.

The older twin responded to his name by gripping Kaoru's arms tightly.

"Damn it Kaoru…why'd you do…why'd you fucking do something like that?" he said with a painful growl.

He didn't get any time to respond to this before Hikaru let his arm slip from Kaoru's arm and around his waist the other hand following close behind, pulling the two identical teens closer to each other.

"H-H-Hikaru?! W-what are you d…"

"SHUT UP!" the other screamed in his ear making his eyes widen.

Hikaru nuzzled his face into his neck breathing deep into it.

"Just shut up Kaoru…shut up…"

He opened his mouth to say something but instead of words a gasp left them and his eyes widened even more.

Hikaru was….he was…kissing his neck!

"H-H-H-Hikaru! D-don't! S-sto-" another gasp left his lips.

He started struggling against the one thing he had longed for all this time. His hands pushed Hikaru's chest weakly with even weaker results. The embrace only grew stronger by Hikaru's grip around his waist.

"Hikaru! Stop it! This isn't what you want!" he cried. He needed to stop his brother he didn't want him to give up his happiness for him…he would hate himself if that happened.

The older twin stopped and just slightly loosened the grip of his brother, without the risk for him to slip out of it.

"What?" he said, warm breath covered Kaoru's ear.

"S-stop H-Hikaru…" he swallowed the lumped that was building up in his throat "…you don't want this…so s-stop…" ones more he swallowed but the lumped was really persistence "…y-you should go to bed…I-I'll just clean up here then I-I'll…"

"Do you think I'm stupid?!"

He was pushed up hard against the wall, and faced his brother's eyes ones more…he was angry…why was he so angry?

"You were fucking gonna leave me Kaoru!" he was screaming again.

"All fucking alone!"

Kaoru flinched at the words. Something broke in him, his restrain, furiously he looked his brother straight in the eyes.

"Leave YOU? Oh so I'm the one that's leaving? I'm the one who's hurting YOU?!

Hikaru looked at him in full shock. But Kaoru didn't care, he didn't care if this would hurt his twin. Because…he…how could he be so selfish!?

"What do you mean Kaoru!?" Hikaru's temper had taken over once more and he screamed back at him.

"What I mean!? WHAT I MEAN!?"

Hikaru flinched at his twin's unusual outburst. But his eyes kept sending accusing glares at him.

"I'll tell you what the fuck I mean!" Kaoru continued. "YOU'RE the one who's leaving ME!"

Kaoru watched how his brother's face changed from accusing to shocked, puzzled and worried at the same time, even though the worried part soon faded into disbelief.

"What?" he said with a chuckle. "How the fuck have I been leaving you? I'm not the one that's just tried to cut my fucking wrist!" he screamed fury in his eyes.

Silence. The twins looked at each other while breathing hard from all the screaming. No words were said since Kaoru lost them when he realized…realized that Hikaru really hadn't noticed. He hadn't noticed how little time they spent together. He hadn't noticed that Kaoru wasn't with him at all these late nights.

"How? HOW!? HAVEN'T YOU NOTICED!?"

He was crying now. Standing on his knees, staring at his brother, into his terrified eyes.

"Where have I been?! All these nights when you've been out, where was I?!"

"Ka-"

"I'll tell you where I was, when you were out having fun with Haruhi!" he said this with extra force on the girl's name.

"I was HERE! At home! ALL ALONE! WHILE YOU WERE OUT ENJOYING YOURSELF! NOW TELL ME ISN'T THAT TO LEAVE ME!? HUH!? ISN'T IT!?"

He breathed hard, every breath shivering from the strain of shouting while crying…his throat hurt.

Hikaru looked at him with a shocked face and puzzled eyes…he still didn't get it, did he?

"I like Haruhi you know that?"

Yes Kaoru did know that it was pretty hard to miss by all the attention he was giving her.

"She's my girlfriend, of course I'll spend time with her…but…I haven't left you!" there was a pause "…I'm still fucking here! It's not like I'm dead! …You're my brother Kaoru…I love you, I would never leave you."

Brother. Fuck that word, it's so repulsive. It's what made Kaoru a freak, what made him the thing he felt about the word.

"Well that's just the thing Hikaru! I LOVE YOU! Don't you understand? I love you!"

If he had been confused before it was nothing from what he looked now. Hikaru frowned and looked at Kaoru with the most dumbfounded eyes he'd ever seen.

"I don't see the problem Kaoru I love you, you love me. What's the big dea-"

His eyes widened, staring into Kaoru's terrified once.

"You lo-"

Eyes changing into…disgust, the other two into hurt.

"NO! Not like that! H-Hikaru…" he laughed nervously "We're brother's of course I l-l-love you as my b-brother…" He was panicking.

Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! How could he be so stupid? Why did he say that? How could he spill the secret he'd been hiding for so long in just a couple of seconds?

"Hikaru I-I-" he fell silent after that his brother recoiled from his outstretched hand.

He let his hand fall to lay between his fowled legs, resting on his right thigh.

Hikaru didn't look at him he persistently kept his eyes locked on the same piece of tile Kaoru had been looking at in the same way just moments earlier.

Kaoru allowed his head to fall, to looking, or more trying to look at his hands. It more looked like an abstract painting with white, black, red and some weird bleached brown.

He opened his mouth to speak but all that came out was a cracked cry.

It really hurt…in his chest…much more than before. He probably wouldn't even be able to even think about killing himself now…it hurt too much.

He slowly started to rise unsteadily and started to speak with a low, powerless and cracked voice.

"I…" shaking breath "I-I'll leave you then." Two shaking breaths, he was standing now. "Y-you h-have H-Haruhi…" a step. Clutching the sink. Legs shaking. "…you'll be alright. I-" one step, two steps, three steps, almost there. "I-I'll manage…as long as you-" hand clutching the doorknob, finally. "Y-you'll be happy…right?" a look over the shoulder -same position- no response. "…of course you'll be…" nervous, drained laugh. "…what was I thinking?"

He began opening the door, doing so it clicked loudly.

With this sound something started, something very unsuspected.

Kaoru heard how his brother darted up from the floor running towards him. He didn't get the chance to turn around to look at him, before he was forcefully turned around and slammed towards the door, slamming it shut behind him. He neither had the time to ask all the newborn questions that welled up in his brain, before his brothers smooth, pink lips where placed upon his identical once, into a passionate kiss. Hikaru forced his tongue into his slightly parted lips and rummaged his mouth.

Moaning.

Hikaru broke the kiss and leaned forward. Forehead to forehead.

Panting.

Kaoru didn't dare to open his eyes. They stayed peacefully closed…what if this was just another dream?

"Kaoru…"

He gasped. This wasn't a dream and he knew it. Hikaru's body was far to warm, far to real for this to be a dream, and so was his voice. Not to mention the realness in the sweet taste still lingering in Kaoru's mouth…Hikaru's taste.

"…don't leave."

He slowly opened his eyes looking into his broher's eyes.

"You can't leave Kaoru."

Hikaru looked so settled. He wasn't to be argued with now, Kaoru knew this. Hikaru really didn't want him to leave. He wanted to ask him 'why' but he couldn't. It was as if Hikaru had stolen his voice during the kiss.

"You love me…more than a brother. So what? I don't care!"

Kaoru couldn't breath, he felt as if he was going to break into pieces.

"You want to touch me, to kiss me, to fuck me…right?"

Take that back! Kaoru couldn't do anything but breathe. His breath quickened, coming in short, loud gasps. Hikaru caressed his cheek at this, as to calm him down.

"That's what you want…right?"

He looked a little bit scared but still extremely settled about it. But Kaoru noticed his fear and his eyes started to show his own. Hikaru placed his left hand on Kaoru's right cheek copying his right hand, stroking both his thumps on Kaoru's cheeks.

"It is…" he gave Kaoru a nervous smile.

This was it! Now he would say how disgusting it was, how disgusting HE was! He would let go of his cheeks, ending this pleasant treatment he received now. He would probably slap him…or worse hit him. He was sure about it. Hikaru would hate him now…no he DID hate him. This now was just Hikaru's last resort in a desperate way to see if it really was true…even though he already knew it was.

Hikaru stopped caressing his cheeks.

He would say it now. His world would break down now. Hikaru hated him, and he'd tell him just how much. Kaoru had squeezed his eyes shut tightly. He didn't wanna see his world crumbling, and more importantly his brother's hate.

"Kaoru…"

Why did his voice sound so sweet, so caring? Why didn't he just scream at him, hitting him, hating him with all his heart as it should be. Was he really gonna make him go through some sort of pity, some sort of a last hope?

"…if that is what you want…"

What sort of hate confession was this? Where was all the screaming. Where was all the hate? Would he stop making him believe that things would turn out alright? Did he despise him that much? Did he hate him that much?

"…then I'll…"

He wanted to scream! He wanted to make him stop! He wanted to go back! He wanted his old life back, where Hikaru and him where always together. Alone in there own world. No Haruhi. No host club. No one. Just the two of them. Alone.

"…give it to you."

What?

Kaoru's eyes flung open meeting his brother's sincere and settled ones. He wasn't joking.

"You can touch me, you can kiss me, you can fuck me. Hell I'll even fuck you! Just stay Kaoru! Don't fucking leave!"

He couldn't move. He couldn't speak. He couldn't even breath, it had stopped completely. He didn't hate him? He didn't despise him? He didn't think it was disgusting…that he was…that?

"So?" his thoughts were interrupted by Hikaru's sweet voice. "Will you stay?"

He looked at him so pleadingly. His voice was so sweet so caring and yet so…scared. He really wanted him to stay. He really would do this for him…to make him stay.

"Y-yeah." Finally it worked. "I-I'll stay."

Hikaru's face broke up into a wide, relieved smile. He laughed in relief, his breath caressed Kaoru's features.

"So…" he said happily with the smile of a prankster this time. "I'm gonna be seme just so you know and you're my uke!" his smile grew wider.

Kaoru just stared at him. He still couldn't believe this was happening. He couldn't believe that Hikaru would do this for him… but…this wasn't what he wanted. He wanted Hikaru to love him back to want him back…not just going along with it, when he really just wanted Haruhi…

"Come on…" once again he interrupted his thoughts. "…let's dress you up okay."

He moved his left hand and grabbed Kaoru's wounded right hand and kissed the wounds carefully, a small amount of blood covered his lips.

He leaned forward and licked it away, startling him a bit before he smiled and kissed him gently.

Hell it's better than nothing…right?

Author's note: okay...did you like it? I hope you liked it! I might do an epilogue to this one...I'm kinda sure I will therefore it is "in-progress" but beware people my idea for the epilogue is not happy it's very very angsty...at least for know it is...who knows maybe the epilogue decides to go into a collusion with my brain like this story has? troublesome brain...I hate you! ...no I don't -cracks skull to pet brain-

reviews would be really nice...I'll give you cookies from Hunny and a sweet sweet Tamaki with a red rose in his mouth