Happy Valentine's Day
By Carol M.
Summary: Tags for My Bloody Valentine
Spoilers: everything up to My Bloody Valentine
Disclaimer: I don't own them, only love them (and want to give them hugs)
Note: Oh gawd, what an episode! I'm still hemorrhaging on the inside. I have three different tags here. The first is an expansion into Dean's mind when he's outside the panic room with Castiel, the second is Dean's junkyard breakdown as seen from Bobby's point of view and the third is a missing scene where Dean comes back to the panic room to be with Sam. There were so many things to explore in this episode that I took a few different approaches in dealing with the emotional aftermath. These can either be taken as one continuous story or three standalones. I hope I was able to do the story and characters justice. Enjoy!
Tag 1: Piece by Piece
Summary: Dean's thoughts as he stands outside the panic room
The desperate sounds of his brother in wailing agony begging him to ease his pain and let him go was like taking a brass knuckled punch straight into his stomach. Dean couldn't breathe. He took a sip off the whiskey, more out of habit than affect, knowing that they hadn't invented anything strong enough to make this alright.
Famine had been wrong. He wasn't dead inside. If he were, there would be no pain. He wouldn't feel this. He wouldn't have to choke on the jagged knife that had obviously done a damn good job of tearing apart his soul piece by torturous piece over the years. Lately, it seemed like his life consisted of moments solely like this one, where a piece of himself was ripped out, burnt, stomped, pissed on and then thrust back into his body, rotted and dead. He wondered when the last piece of himself would be removed and then he wouldn't have to feel anything. Maybe this was it.
He shut his eyes, and each and every one of those moments like this one tore through him. It had started at a very young age. Four to be exact…
Something had happened to his mother. He didn't exactly understand what, but he knew it was bad. She was never coming back. She'd never hug him again.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
He was 10 or 11. Dad had just saved Sam from the shtriga. His brother had almost died because of him. Dad had looked at him with such disappointment and disgust that it had gutted him.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
Sam leaving for Stanford. He should have been happy for him. But he was losing his brother and his best friend. His family was destroyed. Again.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
He had come back to some random motel he had been staying at with his dad and found that his father had left him too. He was all alone.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
Going back to Lawrence and battling the evil that still lurked in their old house. His dad didn't show up for him after he begged for his help.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
Sam being under the influence of a crazy doctor and telling him how much he despised him and how pathetic he thought Dean was. Then trying to kill him. Several times.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
Sam walking out on him in the middle of the night in the middle of the highway to go after their dad in California.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
His dad never calling or showing up after he had been electrocuted and given just a few weeks to live.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
Finding out that Sam had freaky psychic abilities.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
Cassie.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
Reuniting with their dad to defeat the shadow demon, only to have to separate from him again, even if it was for his father's own protection.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
Losing Pastor Jim. And Caleb.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
Sam telling him that after they defeated the yellow eyed demon he was done with hunting and that he was leaving him again.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
Meg telling him his father was dead.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
"Sam…he's clearly John's favorite. Even when they fight, it's more concern then he's ever shown you… "Truth is... they don't need you. Not like you need them."
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
His father telling him that if he couldn't protect Sam from becoming evil that he'd have to kill him.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
His father dying.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
For him.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
And going to hell.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
Revealing to Sam that dad told him he might have to kill him one day.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
Sam leaving him. Again.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
Sam possessed by Meg. "I can see it in your eyes, Dean. You're worthless. You couldn't save your dad. And deep down, you know you can't save your brother."
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
Watching Sam having to kill Madison.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
Realizing that everything the djinn had created was a dream of a life that he would never have. And that he had to go back to his own.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
Sammy dying.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
Selling his soul to bring Sammy back.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
Realizing that Ben wasn't his son.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
Finally seeing there was no way out of his deal and that he was going to burn in hell.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
Being torn apart day after day after day after day for thirty years in hell.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
Breaking.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
Being saved and then remembering what he did in hell.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
Being sent back in time and realizing the truth about his mother and his family.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
Finding out that Sam was using his powers and was slowly but surely turning into a monster.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
Admitting to Sam that he had broken in hell. And that he had liked it.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
Losing his trust, love and faith in his brother and feeling like Sam had no use for him anymore.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
Losing Pamela.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
Torturing Alistair.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
Finding out he had broken the first seal.
RIP, CRACKLE, STOMP, SIZZLE
Adam and the father/son bonding moments he had shared with their dad. That he never got.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
No longer being able to deny that Sam was addicted to demon blood.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
Locking him away in the panic room to detox for the first time.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
Telling Sam he was a monster.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
Sam nearly killing him. And then walking out on him with Ruby.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
Not being able to stop Sam from killing Lilith and breaking the final seal.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
Bobby getting paralyzed to save his life..
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
Having to separate from Sam for both of their sakes and safety.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
Being on his own. Without Sammy.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
Seeing who he became in the future without him.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
Seeing who Sam became in the future without him.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
Gabriel insisting they play their heavenly scripted roles in the real world.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
Losing Jo and Ellen.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
Realizing too late how much Jo had meant to him.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
Lucifer standing up alive after being shot with the Colt.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
Slowly but surely going crazy
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
Realizing that any hope of ever having his own family was gone.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
Going back in time and still not being able to save his parents
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
Being told that he had no control over his destiny and that his destiny was to kill his brother.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
Losing Sam once again to demon blood and watching helplessly as he used his demon powers.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
Sammy detox. Take two.
rip, crackle, stomp, sizzle
Sammy was still screaming.
"It's not him in there," he heard Castiel say. "Not really."
Dean opened his eyes. "I know."
He had spent his whole life steeling himself against these moments, telling himself over and over again that the worst was over and that he could take whatever life had to throw at him next. But the moments kept getting harder to take. Almost unbearable as time went on. He had to fight harder and harder to see himself through. But he'd always done it. Somehow he always managed to get up and go on.
"Dean, Sam just needs to get it out of his system and then he'll be…"
But not this time.
"I just need uh…I just need to get some air," said Dean quickly.
He realized this was his last piece of himself. After this, his heart and soul would be gone, replaced with nothing but dead air. He could feel the literal rip of this final piece being torn out of him, the burning singe of the flame, the shock of the hard stomp on his soul and the disgust of it all being pissed on. That piece was then shoved back inside him. Hollow. Nothing.
It had taken twenty seven years. And he had lost himself. Piece by piece.