Disclaimer: All Characters and a great deal of the plot line belong to Stephenie Meyer.
Hey there!
Okay, were do I start?
This is a one shot I out of Edward's POV. It's kind of a training for me, seeing how I can handle him and his complex mind and if I can hit his character at all. That's for you to tell me, I beg you to review and let me know what you think. I worked long and hard on this, it's important to me. Please?
So, this is when Bella wants to sneak out to visit Jacob and Edwards stops her in taking apart the motor of her Chevy truck. Out of some reason, this is one of my favourite scenes in the book, probably because we see a vulnerable Edward as he tells her to shut her window in case she wouldn't want him with her for the night. I love that.
So I chose it for my first ever trip into Edwards world. I hope you like it.
To all those who read "Blood sprinkled Freesia": No worry, I don't have writers block, I don't have no interest anymore in the story, it's not on hiatus and I don't plan on not contiuning it, hell NO! I am just very busy in the last time, and the chapter turned out to be extremly difficult. I already had it finished, then read it again and decided that I absolutely didn't like it. So I started again. But you can expect an update in the next days, I promise!
Okay, again, please, please review, it would mean very much to me and help me greatly!
Left to say...
Enjoy!
A Defect by Nature
My eyes were closed. I felt the wind stroke over my skin like silken cloth, forming around my features, neither cold nor warm, before swirling onward. I knew that to humans, it would feel sharp and cold, strong enough to let them stumble backwards. The faint longing to feel this wind bite into my flesh too wasn't unfamiliar.
I was balancing on my heels on the edge of a big rock in the forest, around one and a half miles away from the border of the woods. The pitter-patter of the raindrops onto the leaves and branches above me, the wind, the rustling in the undergrowth and the muted noise of the highway in the distance were just background noises, recognized and filtered away by one level of my mind while I concentrated on different, much more important sounds.
The moderator's voice was high pitched with faked enthusiasm as he followed the baseball game that played on the TV in the living room of Chief Swan's little house. Here and there mixed with mutters or shouts in the deep voice of Charlie, whom I could picture sitting on the edge of the sofa, bent forwards, moving his hands before him as if trying to grab the little players and put them in the right positions. He was, as always, totally getting into it and his mind was already devoid of any other thought, including the conversation with his daughter just a few minutes ago.
I ignored the little shadow that flickered through my head.
I would be lying if I said that it hadn't been amusing. It had been, strongly so. And every other person would presumably have choked on holding back their laughter.
But they couldn't see beyond than the words and expressions. The human mind and body wasn't designed to recognize and automatically hold all the little things that defined a situation. They could just see the outlines and were tricked so easily. But the mind of my kind was designed for exactly those purposes. A predator should always know about his prey.
A human hearing could never have detected the incredibly faint trace of distress in Bella's voice when she declared that she was still a virgin and didn't plan on changing something about that in the near future. But a vampire-hearing could.
I could and I knew the source of it.
Bella might not be bothered with her virginity now, but in the not so far future she would, I was sure. It was bound to happen, just as my own yearning for her body grew more stronger with each day now. She already was frustrated with the only kind of kiss that we could share. I knew she wanted more than the short, chaste touches of our lips which made up all the physical side in our relationship. I knew I wanted more. And I knew, on the whole it didn't matter.
I was unnatural and deadly and I went against everything that was logical.
I was a defect.
I was the greatest existing danger for Bella. And I couldn't safe her. I had tried and I had failed and my failure had had disastrous measures. And in the end, I would have come back one way or another. I couldn't be without her. I could never again exist without her.
So I selfishly took what I needed to survive and I wouldn't let her go anymore. To be without her meant death. And after all, wasn't every being clinging to life?
Only if she would struggle against my grip, only if she wouldn't be happy with me any longer and wanted to leave me, I would let go of her. For her happiness I would die gladly.
Only she was more important than my own needs.
She was more important and precious than the whole universe.
And because of that we couldn't have a real physical relationship. Rather be burned alive than letting Isabella get hurt. Or hurting her myself.
Loosing control would come so easily to me, would happen so fast.
But she couldn't see that. Couldn't understand it or didn't want to understand it. And probably that was also my fault. She believed in a self control that I didn't have, not nearly. For her, the problem of her scent was no more. Sometimes it was as if she had forgotten that I was a monster, a predator, and that she was my supposed prey. It seemed as if she forgot that her blood was everything the monster that I was had ever desired and more.
And I gave her all reason to. When was the last time she had seen me out of control? The last time when she had seen me slip? When was the last time that she had looked into my eyes and the monster had glared back at her, thirst and violence glittering in the black iris?
The first Biology class, the first time I had caught her scent, had it been then? I had almost murdered a whole classroom full of innocent teenagers in cold blood on this day, about to give in into my other self, the monstrous, nightmarish, incredibly dangerous self. And my primary self, ancestral self. The self I was meant to be. The true self, like others would call it.
Exactly the self that me and my family refused to be overwhelmed with.
My craze to fill my mouth with the delicious hot, thick, crimson liquid that flowed under the translucent skin, to let it slide down my throat and soothe the agonizing, fiery ripping, the lingering taste on my lips as I revelled in her cries… . I hissed and ripped myself out of that black memory, shuddering.
Yeah, that proved just how much self control I had.
Almost one year, and Bella hadn't once seen my other self. I wouldn't let her, of course not. I wouldn't ever give her reason to fear me, or to believe that her life was at it's end. Never.
Because I didn't want her to be afraid, I only wanted all the good of the world for her. Seeing fear or sadness in her face ripped me apart inside. Seeing her eyes brim with tears let me wish I could take her pain as mine. Rather take all the sorrow of the world on my shoulders than let her pure soul be marred with one dark thought.
And of course because I didn't want to her to leave me, or to even contemplate it. I wanted her to stay with me forever, for her to only belong to me, and no one else. To have her at my side for all the years to come. To kiss her, caress her, make her smile and hear her laughter, and, most importantly, to love her.
For now, that was all I could offer her. My love. My incredibly, all-consuming, irrevocable, uncontrollable love for her.
So Bella hadn't seen the vampire in so long. Hence she deemed my self-control to be perfect, unbreakable.
I almost snorted.
She had no idea. Not of all the times I found myself staring transfixed at her artery, pulsing in the rhythm of her heart, the luscious fluid pumping through her petit body… and then I would start and rip myself out of it, before she noticed anything and I would spend the rest of the day to brood and be disgusted with myself. She didn't know of the times I laid next to her sleeping form, her nestled in my arms, and I would trail my fingers along her External iliac artery, marvelling at the soft skin of her waist and giving the Monster at least a bit of satisfaction.
And alone the thought of her being near me while I hunted, while I was starved, her scent…
Yes, she had no idea.
There were so many possibilities for her. All in all, she could choose so much better than me. So much wiser. One day she would realise that. And this was what I was so afraid of.
I could not loose her.
But I had nothing to hold her with.
Just my love.
There were too many rivals. Some I didn't consider a threat. But others I did. Especially –
The sound of machinery warming up and preparing to spring to action in not half a second filled my sharp ears. I fished my mobile out of my jeans pocket and had it at my ear before it could complete the first ring.
"Edward."
Her voice was serious and slightly anxious. Unusual for her and definitely not good.
"What is it?"
"She's gone. I can only see her up to ten, fifteen minutes at least, in her truck. Then nothing. I can't even see her come back home."
Alice's voice was calm, but I could hear her worry. I didn't need to ask who she was talking about. The bitter taste of panic, worry and fear rose in my throat. And rage.
"The wolves", I growled.
"Presumably."
I sucked in a deep breath.
"Thanks, Alice."
The phone snapped shut. My loud, terrifying snarl sounded through the night air. And I was off.
I had many rivals. Especially Jacob Black.
It didn't take me 10 seconds to reach the edge of the forest. I made a full stop and ran in human pace over the lawn, around the house and to Bella's robust, red Chevy truck, standing in the drive way, only half a meter away from the light stripe that fell from the living room window into the front yard.
I roughly pulled up the hood of the vehicle.
She just didn't understand, did she? Wolves! Young, adolescent wolves! Didn't she understand how dangerous they were? Didn't she understand that, every time she was near them and their uncontrollable temper, she stood just mere meters away from death? Didn't she know that I would be just a hollow shell without her?
Why didn't she want to understand?
A dead, harsh laugh made it's way out of my mouth. Did she really think she could run away from me?
With a growled curse I detached a few cables and clinked out the Rotor Bars. I forcefully shut the hood again, at the moment not caring if I was disturbing the neighbourhood.
Another feeling knotted my stomach. Betrayal. I felt betrayed.
How dare she! How dare she do this to me!
I didn't give any attention towards the short conversation in the house. I knew Charlie wouldn't object to her going out this late, not when it dealt with Jacob.
For a moment red mist clouded my sight. The Dog.
The passengers door fell shut and I settled back into the seat, trying to calm down. I let my head drop back and evened my breathing out. The rage drummed in my empty veins. I tried to relax. Anger wouldn't help me now. Anger was always working down the self-control, and it was enough for one of us to be so reckless.
Bella had too much trust into them, that they wouldn't hurt her. It would need just one moment…
Something stirred in the back of my head.
I pushed it away. I knew what it was and I didn't want to hear it. Not now.
Bella's footsteps sounded unnaturally loud in the night as she hurried down the path from the house door. One or two times I heard her stumble, but luckily she didn't fall.
I sat silent, staring at the black part of her motor in my hands. I sunk further back into the seat, letting the shadows enwrap me. For some reason I didn't want her to see me straight away. I knew she wouldn't be happy about this. And I couldn't stand it when she was angry with me.
I grunted in anger one last time and then pushed the rage down, setting it aside for now. I could deal with it later on.
The tiny vibrations in the air from where she padded against the hull of the truck, feeling her way to the door, hit my skin. She pressed the handle down and the night air rushed into the cramped space, carrying the scent of her damp hair. I easily ignored the sparks in my throat.
Out of the corner of my left eye I watched how she shoved the keys in the ignition and turned them. The truck stuttered, then died down again.
I tightened my fingers around the Rotor Bars in my hands. A small, spiteful smile twisted my lips, the rage still shimmering under the surface. She wasn't going anywhere tonight.
Hear the monster speak.
Bella frowned and turned the keys again. The same results. And she turned them again.
Why couldn't she just accept defeat and let it be? Go back into her house and stay there, where she was safe? I flexed my shoulders impatiently.
Bella jerked and gasped, and her head whirled around. For a moment she just stared at me, and then her eyes slowly travelled down to my hands which slowly twirled the part of the motor. Understanding dawned on her face.
In the next one second of silence I understood, that in her eyes, I had gone too far this time. How she pressed her teeth together, the set of her jaw, how she dug her fingernails into her palms. Her fury was just building up.
The possibility that her anger was as great as my still extent but suppressed rage, was very small. But she was human, I was not. You couldn't compare it. I felt the need to explain myself.
I looked down at the motor part again.
"Alice called", I murmured softly.
Her heartbeat picked up for a short moment as she realized her mistake. I could imagine how her eyes widened in surprise of her own mindlessness.
Before she could respond, I started speaking again. I didn't want her to respond, as it certainly would be something that would hurt. I didn't want that. Coward.
"She got nervous when your future rather abruptly disappeared five minutes ago."
I heard her breath catch.
"Because she can't see the wolves, you know. Had you forgotten that? When you decide to mingle your fait with theirs, you disappear, too."
She disappears, too.
My rage glimmered and died down suddenly. Just sadness was left behind. I was fighting with my love.
And something else made an appearance for the second time also. I suddenly felt very exhausted. The whisper in the back of my head started again, and I let it.
"You couldn't know that part, I realise that. But can you understand why that might made me a little … anxious?"
A little anxious, right.
Wolves! Young, adolescent wolves! Didn't she understand how dangerous they were?
I was the greatest existing danger for Bella.
"Alice saw you disappear, and she couldn't even tell if you'd come home or not." I shuddered "Your future disappeared, just like theirs." My voice was a soft murmur only. I kept talking, just to not give her the chance to speak.
Didn't she understand that, every time she was near them and their uncontrollable temper, she stood just mere meters away from death?
…staring transfixed at her artery, pulsing in the rhythm of her heart, pumping the luscious fluid through her petit body…
"We're not sure why this is. Some natural defence they're born with?"
Even to myself my voice sounded detached.
"That doesn't seem entirely likely, since I haven't had any trouble reading their thoughts. The Black's at least. Carlisle theorizes that it's because their lives are so ruled by their transformations. It's more an involuntary reaction than a decision."
I threw a glance at her, holding her at the edge of my visual field, too fast for her to see.
Her cheeks were flushed with anger, an enticing pink, and I could feel her warmth enveloping
my left side. Her lips were smashed together, and her wonderful, deep, brown eyes sparkled as if a fire had enflamed in her body, the sparks flying up and enlightening her from the inside. Her hair, that was pulled back into a messy bun, had gotten dishevelled as the day went by and now hundreds of thin hairs created a kind of halo around her head, shining in the little light that was there.
She was so beautiful.
Couldn't she see that I was doing this to protect her?
Am I really?
Bella had too much trust into them, that they wouldn't hurt her. It would need just one moment…
Loosing control would come so easily to me, would happen so fast…
Clever little whisper. I pushed the upcoming agony down again.
"Utterly unpredictable. And it changes everything about them. In that instant, when they shift from one form to the other, they don't really even exist."
Not existing and yet being there. At least one illogical thing about them. Out of some reason, that gave me a bit of satisfaction.
"The future can't hold them."
She had been silent while I spoke, just staring and me and listening. The silence in the car was heavy with tension, like the space was filled with dark smoke. I had to automatically think about the other tension between us, back then when I was starting to court her. I had liked the tension very much. This was different, and I hated it.
I hold my breath and tried to lock my heart up, protecting it from the pain that would surely come now. But the times when I could feel nothing were over, and the key to my heart lay in her hands.
In a desperate attempt to soothe her anger towards me and stop her from speaking up, I I whispered:
"I'll put your car back together in time for school, in case you'd like to drive yourself."
That would only be logical. She wouldn't want to be near me now. She had every reason to be angry with me. Everything twisted painfully as I thought about her ignoring me.
I'll be able to handle that. It's not like the fault is all on her side.
She grabbed her keys and opened the door. I closed my eyes. The next words from me were the most painful ones. Ones I hoped that would come never true but knew there was a great possibility for them to, especially now.
"Shut your window if you want me to stay away tonight. I'll understand."
The door on the driver side slammed shut. I watched how she stomped over to the house, opened up and then slammed that door, too. I smiled slightly. The tiger-kitten fury again.
"What's wrong?"
"Truck won't start."
"Want me to look at it?"
"No, I'll try it in the morning."
"Wanna use my car?"
I pressed my lips tightly together, feeling the rage coming up again as I left the Chevy and walked back over to the woods. Bella wasn't supposed to use the cruiser, I knew that.
Charlie was more than eager to get her to La Push, not only because he cared for Jacob, no. He still hoped that Bella's friendship to Jacob would grow into something more. He would prefer to have Jacob as a son-in-law instead of me. Much more prefer it. And he worked on working Bella with all his might.
I had been raised in a time when the first thing you did when you wanted to take a bride was going to her farther and ask for his permission and blessings. I had been a rule back then, not only a tradition like today.
And it hurt to know that the farther of the girl that was the centre of my universe did not only not approve of me and not trust me, but wished for another in my place.
Yet it wasn't as if he hadn't a reason to not trust me, I knew that.
The crash of the window hitting the frame echoed through the night. I froze, standing under the trees, letting the sound wash over me.
I was barred from my only sanctum.
A silent, agonized gasp escaped me.
I am loosing her.
I wished I could cry, and I whished for the whisper in the back of my head to have a body, so I could throw it to ground and break all his bones, make it shut up.
The hum of the vibrating window sounded through the night.
Was I loosing her? Just loosing her? Or loosing her to somebody else? To the wolf?
…that I was only trying to protect her…
…to give the monster at least a bit of satisfaction…
My face twisted into a bitter mask. The wolves were dangerous, but I wasn't any less. I was an even greater danger. I was trying to protect her, that wasn't a lie. Her safety always was the most important thing.
But I was also jealous. I was jealous of this boy, who had managed to capture Bella's affections so fast, almost as fast as me one year ago. I knew that he wanted her as more than just a friend. And I knew that she was very fond of him.
I couldn't bear it to know where she would be and not know what was happening. Even when Bella told me more than one time that he was just her best friend.
Out of friendship could become love so easily. And he was so much better for her than me, on many levels.
Yes, I was jealous, something I rarely admitted to even myself. It was more than embarrassing.
And his sick, little fantasies about her didn't make it any better.
I had met him only one time, but that had been enough. Not that he had had them back then, of course not, but his thoughts had flickered to them for a brief moment, feeling awkward standing before her after he thought about her that way.
And I am any better?
I growled at the trees before me.
Given, not as intentional as the dog, but I catch myself again and again with my thoughts drifting in that direction, aren't I? Or…
I remembered that one time. I had laid on the ground after hunting, and my thoughts had travelled to Bella's body without me even noticing it. Before my inner eye I had seen her body naked and aroused, had imagined the softness of her breasts, the pale skin… .
It hadn't been intentional, just as all the other times.
Just as it hadn't been intentional as my hand started gliding down my body, towards the ache between my tights. The urges of my body had taken over, the urges that I had denied myself for almost a century… .
After, I had been so horrified, so disgusted with myself. I still was. I felt like I had betrayed Bella in some way. I felt like I had muddied her, using her innocent body for my own satisfaction, even if it was only in my mind.
She's so much trouble. I could just take her. Why denying the own nature? Remember, I will never taste as sweet blood as hers. Never…
The scrape of wood against wood. My head snapped up.
She opened the window again. Not half a minute had gone by. I smiled softly.
The relief was too great too describe.
She wasn't asleep, but she didn't open her eyes as I laid next to her, taking her in my arms and pressing her softly into me. A shuddering sigh fell from my lips and, my eyes fluttered close.
So warm.
The sound of her heartbeat filled my ears. My fingers softly trailed down her spine. So fragile, so precious.
"Edward?" Her voice was soft, already half asleep.
"Hmmm?"
"Still love you really, really bad."
I laughed softly and kissed her hair, humming with contentment.
"I love you too, Bella. So much"
Because that was all that counted in the end. My love for her and her love for me. As long as I had that, everything else didn't matter.
I am a defect
With Bella next to me, I could ignore it easily.
The whispering monster snickered and faded away. This battle was lost. The war was still raging.