Pie vs Spy

by eggsaladstain

He's a straight-laced SHIELD agent, working undercover at a Michelin-rated restaurant. She's a carefree hacktivist who owns the bakery across the street. He has a license to kill and the knife skills of an Iron Chef. She can take down firewalls before her oven finishes preheating. Can their love take the heat or will it go up in flames? An A/U crackfic inspired by Lifetime movies.

1. L'Aperitif

Pie vs. Spy

I.

L'Aperitif

...

On his first day as a SHIELD agent, Grant Ward is handed a chef's uniform and a roll of knives.

Suit up, Agent Hill tells him, you're going undercover.

He stares at her for a few seconds, then laughs, tossing the coat over his shoulder. That's a good one, he chuckles, definitely the most creative rookie prank I've ever heard. He pulls the bag open, expecting wire snakes or fake grenades to pop out, but stops short when he sees a full set of actual, professional chef's knives.

The laughter catches in his throat and he looks up at Agent Hill, her expression as serious as ever.

It's not a prank, she says, not bothering to hide the annoyance in her tone. Coulson asked for you specifically. She grabs her tablet and walks briskly out of the room.

Ward stares after her in shock. Agent Coulson?, he repeats, grabbing the roll off the table and running to catch up to her.

With all due respect, Agent Hill, it's only my first day and I barely have any field experience–

She stops in her tracks and turns back to face him. I am well aware of your qualifications, Agent Ward, or rather, lack thereof, and I have expressed the same concerns to Agent Coulson myself.

And he still wanted me? Ward asks in surprise.

Agent Hill sighs, nodding her head slowly. He would not be swayed. She looks him up and down and shakes her head in exasperation. You need to change, she says, walking down the hall, the cab will be here in 20 minutes and I still need to debrief you.

Ward makes his way towards the restroom and turns back to look at her. He's still convinced this is all an elaborate prank, but she yells back, hurry up!, without breaking her stride, and that's when it finally starts to sink in. He rushes into a stall and changes into the uniform, making sure to strap a gun to his ankle and tucking a dagger into his belt.

Not that he needs it.

Where he's going, there are plenty of knives.

…

The cab pulls up to an unassuming restaurant with a picket fence and shutters over the windows. The sign by the door swings slightly in the breeze and Ward does a double take when he reads the name. Maybe his French is rusty, but he swears that means–

Yes, the restaurant is called House of Shield, Agent Hill answers for him, leading him down the alley by the building and through the back door. It's a coincidence, she raises her voice as they enter the kitchen, the restaurant was just built a couple years ago and has no affiliation with our organization, but Coulson seems to think it's hilarious. Her voice disappears, and when he rounds the corner, she's gone.

Agent Hill?, he calls, looking around the kitchen, but all he sees are line cooks and servers. Agent–

A hand grabs him and pulls him into a room before he can even reach for his weapon. The door clicks shut and he shivers, taking in his surroundings and realizing he's standing in a freezer.

Of course, says an unfamiliar voice from behind him, it also helps that this restaurant happens to be a favorite of one of our targets.

Ward whips around and blinks at the man in front of him. Agent...Coulson?, he asks, taking in the man's matching uniform. Pulling out a whisk from his pocket, the man drops it into a bowl and begins vigorously stirring the mixture inside. Agent Hill stands to the side, arms crossed, rolling her eyes.

The man steps forward, still stirring, and nods.

Welcome to Chez Bouclier.