cover image from iwillknot dot com.

this fic is really short and not meant to be taken seriously. it's like crack or something.

warning: jack is really fucking dumb. and this fic is dumb too. oh, and language warning. rated t for safety.

Elsa stared blankly at her kidnapper, mouth duct-taped and wrists bound and feet chained. She really wanted to sneeze because there was a strand of hair tickling her nose, but thought it was inappropriate because she was supposed to be terrified right now and she couldn't burst her kidnapper's bubble.

"So, like, are you scared?" her kidnapper asked. He was tall and all lean muscles and wry grins. His hair was dyed white and Elsa wanted to say it looked tacky on him because excuse me, but she started the platinum blonde trend within mafia Families, thank you very much.

Instead of voicing her thoughts (not that she could), she stared at him some more, and he was left coughing awkwardly in the silence that followed.

"Can you breathe okay?" he asked. "Like, your nose isn't blocked or anything, right? Because my boss will kill me if you die before he gets here."

Elsa shrugged. Her kidnapper misinterpreted it.

"Oh my god, you actually can't breathe?" He panicked and flailed. "I was just joking OH MY GOD PLEASE DON'T DIE ON ME HANG ON A SEC!"

And he ripped the duct-tape off and Elsa gasped because shit, she swore that all the skin around her mouth had just torn off.

"I can breathe," Elsa said flatly. "Thanks."

"Oh, that's good," the guy deflated in relief. "I actually thought you were going to suffocate or something."

"I wasn't."

"Yeah."

Her kidnapper fidgeted, and Elsa was left wondering why she couldn't have had a more interesting abduction. For heaven's sake, this guy showed up at her mansion the night before and demanded she come with him or die. She only agreed because it would take her out of the important boss meeting that she had been in.

Well, actually, the meeting wasn't all that important. It had only been called because Kristoff, her hitman, was refusing to kill his targets and spending all his time down in the mansion's ice room carving sculptures of Anna.

Elsa had been in the middle of threatening to slice off his dick if he laid a finger on her innocent sister when her kidnapper appeared.

In a way, Elsa supposed that she was a bit disappointed that her rant got cut short; she had been dying to yell at Kristoff for months now, ever since he turned her room into a carrot farm on the grounds that Sven needs his daily nutrition and ever since you've refused to pay for his expenses he's been living on apples and he can't live like that. It's animal abuse!

Honestly, if Anna didn't like him so much, Elsa would have had him assassinated a long time ago.

"A-are you okay?" her kidnapper asked. "'Cause like, you're getting really red."

"I'm fine," Elsa snapped. She glanced at his nametag, "Jack."

Jack squawked. "How did you know my name? I'm pretty sure I–"

Elsa jerked her head at the neon-yellow tag pinned to his chest.

"Well," Jack muttered in embarrassment and shoved it away, "being a kidnapper doesn't actually pay that well and I'm only a rookie. I work at the ice cream shop part-time for my phone bill."

"How long have you been a rookie for?"

"Like six years or something, I can't remember. My seniors won't promote me, and I don't know why."

"… Wow, I'm wondering the same thing myself," Elsa said dryly. "How many, er, victims?"

Jack frowned, leaning against the wooden stick that he'd picked up. "No idea. Like hundreds, I guess. But I don't know, they always manage to escape."

Elsa wriggled her hands and the rope around them grew slack. "They must be really good to escape you, then."

The man sighed. "Yeah, either that or I really suck at tying knots. God, I'm never going to get promoted."

"No, no, your knots are really tight," Elsa assured him. She gave another experimental tug, and the rope binding her hands fell to the ground. Jack was too deep in his self-misery to notice anything.

Elsa immediately tried to fix her hair, because Jack had lugged her around in a sack for an hour and her braid was coming out.

"You have cool hair," Jack said, looking up from where he was previously moping. "It's like, really white."

"I know, I dyed it myself," Elsa replied shortly. She tugged at the elastic band and her hair fell loose.

"Hey! You're not tied up!" Jack exclaimed. He made no move to get up from his super comfortable armchair that he also dragged in four hours before.

"I'm sorry, I lied," Elsa said, not looking very sorry at all. "You can't tie ropes to save your life. You should have double-knotted!"

Jack gave a small wail of despair and slumped dramatically in his armchair. "I knew it," he moaned, "I'm a failure as a kidnapper. I'll never get promoted now. And my boss is going to murder me; I can feel it. Hans always was a sick bastard."

Pity pooled in Elsa's heart; she felt a little bad for doing this. "H-hey. Um, don't cry?"

"I'm not crying," Jack said. He wasn't, but who could blame Elsa? He'd been making strange puppy sounds for ten minutes straight.

Sighing, Elsa leaned back in her chair and abandoned all attempts to escape. "Okay, I won't leave here, in exchange for one thing."

"Really?" Jack perked up. "What?"

Elsa eyed him beadily. "Trade the armchair with me."

In the end, it turned out that Elsa was only kidnapped because Hans wanted half of her territory. It was relatively simple to sort out; Elsa sent Kristoff along with the promise of paying for all of Sven's carrots to the assigned meeting place a week later, and Kristoff returned stating that Hans would never bother them again.

Kristoff got his happy ending, Elsa got her happy ending, her Family was safe, and everything returned to normal.

Well, not quite.

Elsa still couldn't get white-haired Jack out of her mind. She hadn't seen him since he'd released her to Hans three weeks ago, and she wondered what had befallen him.

A piano probably fell on his head, with his luck, Elsa thought. Nevertheless, she still searched around, but came up with no answers.

"–and I'm going to tell you this one last time, Olaf: just because Grand Pabbie banned you from Wandering Oaken's–and I personally think this is a great idea because you scare the poor man–it most certainly does not mean you retaliate by putting a grenade in his morning cup of coffee!"

There was a loud knock and Elsa huffed and spun around on a heel. She should really hire a doorman or something, because the rest of her useless Family were too lazy to do anything other than their jobs.

"What," Elsa spat out when she opened the door to her mansion.

A gun barrel was pointed straight at her forehead, and Elsa automatically raised her arms.

"I'm your kidnapper," said a very familiar voice. "And I'm here to kidnap you on behalf of–" Jack squinted and searched his pockets and came out with a scrap of paper "–um, Weselton of the Weselton Family. And he wants, like, money or something."

"Again, Jack?" Elsa said grumpily, though inwardly she was rather pleased to see him. "Where are we going this time?"

"A warehouse, maybe," Jack said. He lowered his gun and studied her face. "Wow, you look tired. Maybe I should take you to dinner or something instead?"

"I'd like that," Elsa smiled. "I just finished yelling at one of my Family and he looked at me with these really big eyes and I–sometimes I just can't with him."

"Cool," Jack enthusiastically. "Let's go! I know this really good Italian place nearby; hopefully you'll like it."

"What about Weaselton?"

"Eh, don't know. He's kind of a prick, really, so maybe I'll just disappear for a bit. And I'm pretty sure it's not pronounced Weaselton."

Elsa linked her arm with Jack's, and the pair (pranced off into the sunset) headed towards the restaurant.

Anna poked her head out the door and spotted them. "Goddamnit, Elsa! You better not be getting kidnapped again! I HAD TO GIVE MARSHMALLOW LIKE TWENTY CHERRY POPSICLES FOR HIM TO START SEARCHING LAST TIME."

this is probably the dumbest thing i have ever written ahahahaha.