-Story Start-
"I hate to say this but we are in some deep shit."
These vulgar words came from the mouth of one Tohsaka Rin.
Yes, that Tohsaka Rin.
While such words were usually beneath her, nothing describes their situation more accurately. Emiya has lost his Servant and Sakura was going wildly out of control. Zouken has escaped into the shadows and who knew what he was plotting.
To top it all off, the Shadow has consumed Berserker, Saber, Caster, and Lancer. A single one of them was enough to level the city in their state and with four of them corrupted, the end of the world may not be such an impossible idea.
But at least, Rider and Archer were still on their side.
"Such foul language. It seems even my master is capable of using vulgarities at times."
"Shut up, Archer." Rin snapped.
"This is getting us nowhere, Tohsaka. While we're holed up in here, Sakura is getting hurt out there!"
"Calm your tits, Emiya-kun. Suppose you meet Sakura, with the state she is in, you cannot possibly hope to reason with her. Do you have a plan to make sure she doesn't kill you the moment you two meet?"
Shirou hung his head and clenched his fists. He hated this. He hated not doing anything but worse was he hated knowing that he couldn't do anything. He abandoned his ideals for the sake of the one he loves and had sworn to protect her.
But he couldn't protect anyone.
"Damn it. Goddammit!"
"The only thing we can do right now is to prepare. There are just too many unknowns to do anything concrete. While working on one problem, we might be setting ourselves up for a dagger in the back."
"So what do we do?" Shirou asked, the look on his face a little too desperate.
"That's easy! Onii-chan should power up the Servants we currently have." Ilya quipped from the side.
"Eh? But I thought only masters can provide mana to their Servants. Which means Tohsaka could just keep giving Archer mana through their bond... Wait, but what about Rider?" Shirou frowned. These magus concepts were still too new to him to get a proper grasp on.
"About that, I have exhausted my prana reserves in the last battle with the Shadow so I'm barely running on fumes right now."
"Isn't there a way for me and Ilya to transfer some to you guys then? I have plenty to spare and..."
Shirou broke off at the uncomfortable expression on Tohsaka's face.
"What?" He asked, dumbfounded.
"Well... there is but..." Rin fidgeted anxiously.
"Onii-chan no ecchi." Ilya glared at him darkly.
"What...?" Shirou looked so hopelessly lost that Rin decided to explain.
"Bodily fluids contain prana so an exchange of bodily fluids is one way too—"
"Then let's do it." Shirou leaned across the table and grabbed Tohsaka's shoulders, staring her deep in the eyes with a determined expression. Their close proximity was too much and had the tsundere blushing furiously.
"I—idiot! How could you decide on it just like that?! I thought you love Sakura and yet you choose to cheat on her the moment an opportunity presents itself?" Tohsaka pushed Shirou off and pointed at him accusingly.
"I will never cheat on Sakura." Shirou retorted furiously.
"So you don't see doing it with other women as cheating, is that it?"
Shirou looked confused once again. "Um... I don't really get it but are you okay, Tohsaka? You're hyperventilating."
"Unbelievable... you think that doing it with any girl you see is normal huh... you—you enemy of women!" Rin roared.
"You keep saying 'doing it, doing it' but what the heck do you mean by 'it'?!" Shirou retorted back just as angrily.
It seem almost impossible for Rin to get any redder but she turned a deeper red that she practically had steam coming off her ears.
"Th—that of course!"
"Haaah... and what is 'that'?" Shirou sighed in exasperation. "Please remember all this magus stuff is still new to me."
Rin's jaw dropped, astounded "But it's common knowledge!"
"To a magus maybe." Shirou sulked.
"It's not even magus related!"
"Urrggghhh..." Ilya groaned. "Since it seems my onii-chan is too pure, I'll explain it to you in plain terms. What Rin means is for the prana exchange ritual to work, you need to do ecchi stuff with her."
Satisfied that she resolved the problem, Ilya sat back with a smug look. Rin just looked anywhere but at Shirou.
"Ecchi stuff huh...," Shirou rubbed his chin in thought,
"... that means making babies right?"
"Correct." Ilya confirmed.
This time, it was Shirou's turn to look down. "Ummm... how do you do that again?"
"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?"
Jaws dropped. Palms connected with faces. Eyeballs popped. The apparent failure was too much for words.
"Holy shit. Was I that clueless?" Archer thought to himself. "This is almost painful to watch..."
"What?" Shirou crossed his arms defensively, "My dad died before I was at an age where he could talk to me about that stuff and the only boy I ever have meaningful conversations with is Issei and he's the son of a monk so..."
"Please teach me!" Shirou bowed his head low to Tohsaka, knocking her out of her stupor.
"W—what... so suddenly..." Rin stuttered. Archer savored the moment. It was rare to see Rin in such a state after all.
"Please. I need to know." The determination in Shirou's eyes were too much and Rin found she couldn't help but answer.
"W—well... that's... you t—take your P—PONOS to my V—V-VAGOOO and J—JAM IT IN!" Rin finished with a gasp.
Shirou looked like he understood for a moment but then he shook his head said, "I'm sorry, you lost me."
"Jam it in she says," Archer muttered, smirking. Beside him, even the stoic Rider was having trouble suppressing her laughter.
"I said shut it!" Rin kicked Archer's shin, only to get a bruised foot for her efforts. She really need to remember kicking the Servant was akin to kicking a telephone pole.
"A—anyway, I guess it's easier to show you since you're too stupid to understand." Rin finally sighed and began unbuttoning her shirt.
"Um... Tohsaka, aren't you gonna get cold?" Shirou asked.
"ARRRGGGHHH!" Rin pulled at her hair in exasperation.
-5 Hours Later-
Archer leaned against the wall of his childhood home and looked up at the stars. How long had it been since he looked up at the same stars with his father before his death? It was strange. Just days ago, he had a goal to strive for: ending his miserable existence. But now that was just impossible. Even if he killed the Shirou Emiya in front of him, that would not cause a paradox that will erase his existence. This Shirou had abandoned his ideals to protect the one he loves. There were just too many differences in the time lines for his plan to work. This Shirou was more clueless than he ever remembered being and perhaps even more reckless and stupid.
But even through he was all these, he still managed to land himself in a foursome.
Archer sighed. In truth, he admitted he was a bit jealous but he didn't let it bother him too much.
His musings cut off as the sliding doors opened and revealed an exhausted looking Tohsaka Rin. Her hair was in disarray and a layer of sweat made her skin shine under the moonlight. She pulled the bathrobe closer to her body as the cold breeze blew.
"Had fun?" Archer smirked.
"Sh—shut up..." Rin stuttered and crossed her arms. "I—it wasn't good at all... he doesn't know what he's doing at all. Honestly how could someone be so... anyway, it's none of your business!" Rin glared at him.
"Did you make sure to keep mental trauma to a minimum?" Archer asked.
Rin looked away. Archer sighed and peeked inside.
The smell of musk and bodily fluids reeked from inside the room. Blankets, the futon, and clothing lay scattered all over the place. Ilya lay spread eagle, resting her head on Rider's ample chest while the purple haired Servant slept. That was odd. Servants don't need sleep. Shirou must have had a large amount of stamina to drive even a Servant to exhaustion.
Speaking of the red haired magus, he sat in the corner of the room, clutching his knees in a fetal position and quivering. His eyes spoke seeing horrors unimaginable.
"...flat... flat... big and bouncy... flat... flat... big and bouncy..."
It was shocking given their mutual hate of each other but Archer felt pity for the boy. For someone as pure and innocent as he was, a foursome with those three were simply too much.
"Oi."
Shirou looked up at archer with a blank expression. "Ar...cher...?"
"Relax. It's over."
Tears formed at the corner of Shirou's eyes. "... I see... thank god..."
And with that, Shirou fell unconscious.
-The Next Day-
The trudge up to Ryudou temple was as tiring as ever. The menacing aura that surrounded the mountain did nothing to raise their spirits. This was it. They have made their preparations. Death was inevitable but none of them were going to back down from this fight. If no one stops the whirling mass of abomination that took hold in this place, then the whole city will be turned into burning ruins.
Rin held their trump card in her right hand, her most powerful jewels in the other. It had taken a lot of time but with Archer's and Ilya's help, they had managed to acquire a very powerful weapon.
They took the final steps and finally reached the top.
Ready to face off against impossible odds, the group prepared themselves.
Because if they don't, no one else will.
"Oh? I was not expecting any of you to get here until much later. Well, no matter. I guess this makes things much easier."
Shirou could only splutter at the absurdity that was happening in front of his eyes.
An old man was casually flicking away a multitude of swords, spears, halberds and other Noble Phantasms that were raining at him at a blinding speed.
With only one hand.
The body of Sakura lay behind him, the gentle rise and fall of her chest signifying she was alive. All around the ruins of the temple, pieces of worms and insects lay scattered about. The corpse of a certain priest was dangling from a tree behind the golden Servant.
"Such impudence! Mongrels should learn not to—!"
"Oh shut up, will you." With a casual flick of his walking stick, a tear in the universe opened and swallowed the King of Heroes whole.
Stunned silence enveloped the scene. Not even crickets dared make a sound.
"Shit... I got to fart but that would be so embarrassing... oh no... I—I can't hold it! Dammit Tohsaka! Just what did you do to my sphincter last night?!" Shirou thought as his face twisted into a determined mask as he glared at the old man in front of them.
"Such passion in someone so young. To think someone had such willpower in this day and age... This is what those noble upstarts at the Association are missing. He would definitely make a good student."
The group of three humans and two Servants tensed as the old man approached. Rider and Archer moved into defensive stances. After all, someone who could swat the King of Heroes like a fly was a dangerous existence.
"Say... boy." The old man looked Shirou in the eye.
"Yes?"
The boy returned the old man's gaze unflinchingly.
"Such determined eyes... I was right. He would make a fine apprentice."
"Shit... I really need to fart but that would be so rude..."
The old man then smiled. "How about being my apprentice?"
"EHHHHHHHHH?!"
-A New Beginning-
The end of the fifth Heaven's Feel was very anticlimactic. Apparently, the old man, wielder of the Second True Magic decided to get rid of the system once and for all on a whim. It took some time but Sakura was finally stable and moved to the Emiya household permanently. Taiga was happy. Everyone was happy.
Or not.
"What do you make of this?" The blindfolded Servant asked Archer as she not-gazed and the scene before them. Due to Sakura's large quantity of prana, she was able to maintain Rider's existence on this plane.
Archer was another case, however. The Jeweled Sword of Zelretch was quite a treasure. Aside from being a limitless Ether Cannon, Rin had figured out how to acquire infinite prana from other dimensions. She had hoped that with this, Zelretch would take her in as a student as well.
On Archer's part, he didn't mind being around a little longer. He hated his job after all.
"Tohsaka, you've got it all wrong."
"Argh! This is so frustrating! How come you, a complete novice, can understand this better than me?!"
She grabbed Shirou's shirt and shook him back and forth to vent her frustrations. Her head hit her desk as she calmed down, contenting her anger by sending a death glare at her fellow student.
Shirou straightened himself and adopted one of Rin's famous lecture poses that Archer had dubbed as Pose 1.
"You see, Tohsaka, you need to completely let go of everything you know about magecraft and surpass knowledge with imagination. You need to throw reason to the curb and piece the heavens!"
Rin growled and pulled at her hair. A wordless scream died in her throat as a shoe from the neighboring house hit her in the face.
"Hey! Keep it down will you?! People are still trying to sleep here!"
They had set up a table outside the house and had notes and books scattered about, a practice that would condemn them in the eyes of all magi. Research had to be kept secret and all knowledge hoarded after all. Zelretch however,had insisted that they do their studying outdoors, where they had more contact with elements when they work.
Rin hastily apologized and returned to glaring at the papers in front of her.
"I have to admit, it feels surreal." Archer answered Rider. "Usually the roles were reversed."
"Senpaaaa~~! I brought snacks." A cheerful voice called out from the doorway. Archer moved aside to let Sakura pass.
"Oh thank you, Sakura." Shirou thanked the girl heartily, making her blush.
She had to admit, seeing her sister reduced to this state gave her morbid satisfaction. The reconciliation between the two was going slow and they still couldn't be in the same room for ten minutes without any awkwardness.
"How is it, senpai?"
"Hmm? Absolutely delicious!"
"Oi, would you mind flirting somewhere else? I'm trying to study here." Rin complained as she ate the food at a rapid pace, not turning her attention away from her studies for a single second.
"Don't mind her, Sakura. She's just jealous that I'm making better progress than her."
"Oho? Maybe nee-san is not so perfect after all..." Her smirk hidden behind her hands, Sakura looked down on Rin with smug expression.
Crack.
"It's not like that Sakura, Tohsaka is just a very motivated person, that's all. Even if she doesn't get it right away, she'll just work on it until she gets it. No matter how many lifetimes it takes."
Crack.
Shirou did not mean any ill will at all but Rin felt something inside her breaking with each work spoken.
"ARRRGGG SHUT UP!" Rin roared as she performed the legendary 'table flip' as Shirou dubbed it. She stood there, panting and pointing a finger at the two.
"Y—you think you can look down on me like this..."
"Crap, this isn't good. That's quite the crazed look." Archer thought as he moved into action.
"Hahaha... hehehe...I'll show you—!" Rin laughed as she took out the Jeweled Sword and pointed it, only to squawk in indignation as she was swept off her feet and slung across the red Servant's back like a sack of potatoes.
"Excuse us, it seems my master had too much to drink." Archer said as he began to leave.
"Eh, but we don't even..." Shirou said confusedly.
"Just let it go."
"Okaaay..."
"Archer put me down! I need to teach those two a—! "
Silence fell as Archer left, a kicking and screaming tsundere slung on his shoulder.
-Break-
Rin looked at her work with pride.
In the dimly lit workspace of her workshop stood an array of runes inscribed on a door. Archer was quite impressed. What had taken Shirou one week to accomplish, it took Rin two months. He didn't know whether to be happy or horrified.
Was he always that talented?
"Archer, do you know what this is?" Rin asked smugly.
Of course, Archer knew since she;d been talking about it nonstop for weeks but he decided to humor the young magus. It had been quite hard for her recently and as her Servant, it was also his duty to keep her sane.
"This, my Servant, is the culmination of blood, sweat and tears and countless hours of hard work. Prepare to be amazed! This is the one and only, Dokodemo door!"
"What manga did you steal that name from?! Are you Doraemon?!"
Out loud he said, "Impressive."
"I know right! With this, I'll finally be able to win. Now to show this to that pompous little...!"
"Not good, if she goes to that boy now, she'll be torn to pieces!"
"Rin, shouldn't you keep this a secret from another magus?"
"Shirou is not a magus. I refuse to accept it!"
"Not good... now she's entered denial.."
Archer could only mentally groan as he followed Rin to the Emiya household.
-Break-
"Oh! Tohsaka! I haven't seen you in a while."
"I have finally reached a breakthrough in my research and deemed you worthy enough to grace a look."
"Wow... this is amazing Tohsaka! It looks just like Doraemon's!"
"Eh... who? Anyway have you gotten any progress at all?"
"Erm... nothing that I'm sure you haven't accomplished already."
"Oh? Let me see."
Shirou snapped his fingers, albeit sheepishly under Rin's stare.
A portal appeared in the air.
Awkward silence.
Archer face palmed.
"You have no tact at all, do you..." He muttered under his breath.
"Hahaha... ehehehe..."
"Crap, she completely broke!"
A piece of paper slipped from Shirou's pocket and Rin picked it up. She gazed at the content briefly before eyeing Shirou.
"Erm... that's... instructions from the old man..."
Curious, Archer peeked over Rin's shoulder at the piece of paper. It read,
Instructions on creating a multidimentional portal with a simple snap of the fingers:
Step 1: Visualize where you want to go.
Step 2: Fill 10 circuits with OD.
Step 3: Snap your fingers.
Step 4: …...
Step 5: …...
Step 6: Profit.
The paper fell from Rin's hands and her shoulders slumped. A cloud of despair hung formed over her form as she walked to her Dokodemo door.
"Hehe... I'm so pathetic... beaten by an amateur... and with a nonsense set of instructions at that..."
Before Archer could stop her, Rin opened the door and stepped inside the whirling mass of kaleidoscopic colors.
-On top of a rooftop close by-
Zelretch scratched his head. While it was common knowledge that those under his tutelage broke very quickly, this case was something else. Oh well, after she gets back from wherever she went, she was sure to become stronger.
"Ha... looks like I broke another one."
-Break-
Archer exited the whirl of the Kaleidoscope and landed on a beach, empty save for a lone person.
Rin did not look up as Archer put a hand on her head and stroke her softly. She was clutching her knees, her face buried underneath. Archer sighed. He had fought many battles in his lifetime but he was sorely lacking in that certain department. He knew how to kill in a thousand different ways but consoling women and understanding them was beyond him.
Just like most other men in the world.
"Guess I'd just wait till she's asleep then move her to a hotel. After that we'll be able to go back to our own world."
And so Archer sat beside his Master, staring at the waves. It was soothing. He wondered if such peace could be achieved. But then again, even if his body was at peace, his heart would always seek battle. He was a machine made for killing.
As he pondered these thoughts, he noticed something troubling.
He could no longer feel his connection with Alaya.
"Guess that confirms I'm in another universe then."
Archer suddenly felt the hair on the back of his neck prickle, alerting him to the danger. He reacted instinctively, tracing his twin blades in an instant...
...and raised an eyebrow at what he saw.
Standing not two meters from them was a very fat man holding several bags of merchandise. On his shirt was a picture of a magical girl and in his backpack stuck out rolled wallpapers.
Archer could tell at a glance that this wasn't human and yet it doesn't feel the same as a Servant either.
Whatever this was, it was very very very powerful.
He looked back down at Rin. Still no sign of movement. Archer contemplated grabbing Rin and running when the non human spoke.
"What kind of cliché development is this? Is the author on crack? But then again, this story was meant to be crack in the first place."
Archer narrowed his eyes.
Yup, deranged and dangerous.
"Not even gonna ask my name huh. Hmph, how rude. I guess you plebeians don't know your place. This God of Tropes shall be your opponent."
"Rin—"
"Talking is not a Free Action."
Archer felt time slow down. Or did the fat bastard speed up?
Either way, the punch sent him flying off a hundred meters into the air. He could have sworn he felt several ribs crack.
It was illogical. Senseless. He doesn't understand what just happened. Nor why they were being attacked all of a sudden.
"You ask why? It's because the author is an idiot of course. It's only natural that when the protagonists end up in a new environment that they get attacked by a Deus ex Machina right?"
Archer landed on the sandy beach with a small thud. He raced towards Rin, scooping her up in his arms and running like he's never run before.
"There's no escape." The fat thing declared. "Parody of Badass Creed: Archer."
"I am the boner of my shorts."
"You have got to be kidding me..."
Those words, those very familiar words engraved in Archer's soul has been corrupted into an unholy parody of its previous glory.
Shocked to his core, Archer could only watch as the world disappeared in front of his eyes.
Fire formed the boundary and upon a desolate land, with clotheslines criscrossing overhead, the Reality Marble came into being.
Panties.
Countless of these female undergarment swayed in the air and Archer couldn't help but recognize most of them.
"Wait.. aren't those Rin's?"
"I see you have noticed it as well. At your core, at the very bottom of your soul. This what you desire! Archer no, EMIYA, deep down, you are just a closet pervert!"
"No... it can't be... wait, why am I being affected by his words so much?"
"Ho... so this is what Archer desires huh..."
Behind him, it seemed Rin had finally regained her bearings. Clutched in her hands were a pair of panties.
Blue and white striped panties.
"It's only common knowledge tsunderes wear striped panties." The fat thing explained.
Rin faced Archer, a smile on her face that fooled no one. "Archeeeer... explain this."
"Rin, you got it wrong. This isn't—"
But there was no stopping her now. In one smooth motion, Rin swung the Jeweled Sword of Zelretch and the world was engulfed in a blinding light.
-Break-
"Really thought you were gonna kill me there."
Archer complained as Rin ate her sandwich it had been hours since she had completely destroyed the divine being that called itself the God of Tropes. Since then they tried to figure out how to get home or whether they should get home in the first place.
Archer looked at the letter they had received earlier. It was confusing but by patching together what little information they had, it seemed that the God of Tropes was a 'Heretic God' and that Rin was now a 'Campione' the rest of the letter was practically a plea for an audience.
It was not the only letter they received. How various organizations were able to track them down he had no clue but it was impressive, considering his skill at hiding.
"What do you plan on doing?" Archer asked. Since receiving praise in the letters, Rin had perked up considerably. Archer figured that she would soon return to her normal self.
Rin thought for a moment and sipped her drink. "If I ask them for all their money, I wonder if they'll just give it to me."
Archer mentally groaned.
"Her irises have practically turned into ¥ symbols!"
"Archer~. This Alice person is a princess right?"
-End-
-A/N-
Hello and thank you for reading. This is my first attempt at fanfiction so I apologize at how crappy it is. This is a one shot and I have no plans of continuing. I am sorry for all the OOCness and everything else that is crappy about this badly written piece of thing.
Thanks for reading.