All Along The Watchtower
EXT. Alleyway- Gotham City- Night
A lone figure with a fedora, blue coat and blank face is standing, waiting, the wind blowing his tie. He is THE QUESTION. Soon, from above, another figure, clad in cape and cowl, swoops down before him. He is THE BATMAN.
THE BATMAN
Good evening, Vic. Thanks for meeting me.
THE QUESTION
Bruce. What's so urgent?
THE BATMAN
We have an interdimensional emergency. A villain from a parallel world has invaded ours, and teamed with our own villains, The Legion Of Doom.
THE QUESTION
Anyone I know?
THE BATMAN
Someone you've read about. Adrian Veidt. Ozymandias.
THE QUESTION
Whoah, whoah, whoah, you talking about the villain from the Watchmen? Rorschach's enemy?
THE BATMAN
In his world, in the end, Rorschach was his only enemy. And as you know, he was silenced. Ozymandias won his world, now he wants to bring his brand of "peace" to ours.
THE QUESTION
Rorschach sucks.
THE BATMAN
We need him. Nite Owl, Dr. Manhattan… they would go along with a world run by Luthor. But Rorschach, he knows what's right.
THE QUESTION
Look, even I'm not as black and white about justice as Rorschach is.
THE BATMAN
But you have a similar frame of reference. I need you to come with me to the dimensional portal in Metropolis.
INT. Watchtower
All the DC Universe superheroes, except of course for The Question and The Batman are gathered. MARTIAN MANHUNTER stands before them.
MARTIAN MANHUNTER
I have called this emergency meeting to let you know we are all in peril. A villain from another Earth has crossed over. Ozymandias has joined forces with our Legion Of Doom. And if we are to stop him, we must call in his true enemies.
GREEN ARROW
Christ almighty, you're talking about bringing in the goddamned Watchmen!
MARTIAN MANHUNTER
Don't be such a noob, Mr. Queen. The careful reader of Moore's masterwork will note that there are no "Watchmen," Mr. Queen. There are Minutemen and briefly there are Crimebusters. Only two of the heroes of that world will be able to aid us. Ozymandias's only true enemies: Rorschach and The Comedian.
GREEN ARROW
Look, greenie, The Comedian and Rorschach are hardly heroes. They're everything I'm against. I got enough trouble working with a walking a-bomb and the goddamned Question.
MARTIAN MANHUNTER
That will be quite enough, Mr. Queen.
EXT. Metropolis
A glowing light is present. The Batman and The Question approach it.
THE BATMAN
We're gonna need The Comedian on this job, so if we're gonna do this right, we're gonna need to travel to a time before he was murdered.
THE QUESTION
The Comedian? Now there's a guy who shares my politics.
THE BATMAN
I thought you'd be pleased.
They step into the light and disappear.
INT. The Comedian's Apartment
THE COMEDIAN is seated on the couch, drinking a martini. Suddenly, The Batman and The Question appear in a flash of light.
THE COMEDIAN
Rorschach? Dreiberg?
THE QUESTION
Don't call me, Rorschach, pal.
THE COMEDIAN
What, who in the goddamned hell?
THE BATMAN
Mr. Blake, The Comedian, good evening.
THE COMEDIAN
How do you know who I am, buddy?
THE BATMAN
I know a lot of things, pal! Who the hell do you think I am? I'm the goddamned Batman!
THE COMEDIAN
Never heard of you. So what the hell do you want?
THE BATMAN
I need you to come with us. Our world is in great danger.
THE COMEDIAN
Oh yeah? And why should I help you?
The Batman produces a pinup picture of WONDER WOMAN and BLACK CANARY.
THE BATMAN
They're on the team.
THE COMEDIAN
I'm getting my suit.
EXT. City Street
RORSCHACH is walking along. Soon, The Comedian, in full costume including the rapist mask. approaches him.
RORSCHACH
Comedian? Good evening.
THE COMEDIAN
Rorschach, I, uh, I found some guys who need us to come with them. Say, uh, they say Ozymandias is trying to destroy their world.
RORSCHACH
Veidt. Hurm.
The Batman and The Question step out of the shadows.
THE BATMAN
Will you help us?
RORSCHACH
Give me a chance to investigate Veidt. Suspicious. Possibly homosexual.
THE BATMAN
I don't think that's quite the problem.
THE COMEDIAN
Well, aren't you a little touchy?
THE QUESTION
He hangs out in caves with twelve-year-old boys.
THE COMEDIAN
Jesus Christ, man. I mean we've all got our demons, but shit. Who the fuck am I working with here, a faggot and a couple of motherfuckers with no faces? No offense, Rorschach, we've been friends for a long time, you know I love you.
RORSCHACH
Hurm.
THE BATMAN
I assure, you, sir, you will be working with the finest heroes in our universe.
THE COMEDIAN
Whatever, man. Listen, I got a Marxist republic to knock over. Now, that tail you were showing me is really nice, but if we don't get to it pretty friggin soon, I'm going to have to bid you gentlemen a fond farewell.
THE BATMAN
The portal across space and time will be opening shortly, leading straight into the Watchtower.
THE COMEDIAN
Alright, come on, you riders.
The portal opens and the four step into it, disappearing.
INT. Watchtower
The JLA is gathered, still with Martian Manhunter before them. Beside him, the portal opens and the four step out.
EXT. Hall Of Doom- Night
ANNOUNCER (VO)
Meanwhile, at the Hall Of Doom!
INT. Hall of Doom
Standard set up seen on the Challenge Of The Superfriends series, with all the usual villains gathered around the table, with LEX LUTHOR before them. But now, next to Lex Luthor, stands OZYMANDIAS!
OZYMANDIAS
Good evening, Legion Of Doom. I am stand before you a proud man. Like my idol, Alexander The Great, I have conquered my world. But unlike him, I do not weep, for I still have this world to conquer.
CAPTAIN COLD
Conquering the world! Sounds good to me!
OZYMANDIAS
The world I see with have peace and order. And we shall rule it!
VOICE
Well, well, well…
Soon, we see the owner of the voice step in! THE JOKER looking as scarred and filthy as ever.
THE JOKER
Never thought I'd see the day when the Legion Of Doom talked about world peace.
OZYMANDIAS
Ah, Joker. Lord of chaos. I feared you might give me trouble.
THE JOKER
Listen, Ozzy, I don't know how they do things back in your reality, but around here, we supervillains wants chaos, not order.
OZYMANDIAS
I see. Does everyone here feel the way Joker feels?
SOLOMON GRUNDY
Chaos!
THE RIDDLER
Actually, maybe Ozymandias is right. Life is a puzzle and maybe together we can finally figure it out. Assemble it.
THE JOKER
Then, there's only one thing to do. Whoever is with me, join me and together we shall destroy. Everyone else stay with John Lennon over here.
LEX LUTHOR
I never thought I'd see the day when the Legion Of Doom split up, but I suppose that is what it's come to.
INT. Watchtower
As before.
MARTIAN MANHUNTER
Comedian. Rorschach. I am greatly in your debt for your service.
THE COMEDIAN
Hey, I'm just here for the pussy. Where the white women at, you know what I'm saying? Nah, I'm just kidding around. Really though, I do plan to fuck all your bitches as soon as humanly possible.
RORSCHACH
Comedian. Strong libido. But I'm not here to discuss the morale lapses of a man who serves his country.
THE COMEDIAN
You damn right, strong libido, pal. And I'm looking around at some titties that I'd like to get my cock knee deep in.
RORSCHACH
That makes no anatomical sense.
MARTIAN MANHUNTER
Gentlemen, there will be time for this type of discussion later. Our intelligence indicates that both Ozymandias and The Joker have enter the Hall Of Doom. If those two are working together…
THE BATMAN
They wouldn't.
MARTIAN MANHUNTER
Bruce?
THE BATMAN
The Joker is an agent of chaos. Ozymandias's ultimate goal is control. Ideologically they are unmatched.
THE COMEDIAN
Wait a minute, wait a minute. What is this "Bruce" shit? I thought you were "the goddamned Batman." I can't speak for Ink Blot Face here, but I don't want anyone calling me by my real name.
RORSCHACH
Rorschach is my real name.
THE COMEDIAN
God, you're a freak.
MARTIAN MANHUNTER
I assure you, you will be referred to only as The Comedian.
THE COMEDIAN
Damn right, greenie.
GREEN ARROW
Hey, I call him greenie, not you, you fucking Nazi.
THE COMEDIAN
Hey, I dig the eye mask, Robin Hood. I used to have one just like it before some gook bitch burned my face in Nam. Now I wear this.
GREEN ARROW
There is so much wrong with what you just said…
MARTIAN MANHUNTER
Bruce, look around! Here we have Green Arrow and The Comedian on the same side and no two people are more ideologically unmatched than they. Who is to say that The Joker and Ozymandias are not similarly united?
THE BATMAN
Both The Joker and Ozymandias are too selfish to put aside their differences. Something about this isn't right.
INT. Hall Of Doom
As before.
LEX LUTHOR
I suppose that's the only way. Those who wish to go with Joker, shall, the rest go with Ozymandias. My heart weeps this day.
GORILLA GRODD
In a chaotic human world, the apes can at last arise victorious! I'm with you, Clown Face.
SOLOMON GRUNDY
Solomon Grundy love chaos!
TOYMAN
Fun and games! Always nice and chaotic! And we clowns gotta stick together!
OZYMANDIAS
Anyone else wish to join the clown?
No one speaks up.
THE JOKER
Grundy, Grodd, Toyman, we have work to do.
The four exit.
EXT. Hall Of Doom- Night
The four speed off in The Joker's speedboat.
INT. Watchtower
The computer is going off. Martian Manhunter goes to it.
MARTIAN MANHUNTER
Oh, hell.
THE BATMAN
What?
MARTIAN MANHUNTER
There's been an attack on Gotham City Hall. Led by The Joker. There were also sightings of Toyman, Gorilla Grodd and Solomon Grundy.
THE BATMAN
I'm on it.
THE COMEDIAN
Hey, Bats, Bruce, whatever. Take me with you on this one. There's two things I know in this world: everything's a joke, and my way around an assault rifle.
THE BATMAN
I don't kill.
THE COMEDIAN
You won't have to.
MARTIAN MANHUNTER
Bruce, take The Comedian with you. Take shuttle craft B.
EXT. Gotham City Hall- Night
It has a huge hole in it and The Joker's "Slaughter Is The Best Medicine" truck parked outside. Joker is firing a huge gun randomly about as Toyman, Grundy and Grodd attack random people. Soon, a shuttle craft comes down from the sky, from which emerge The Batman and The Comedian.
THE COMEDIAN
Who's the ass clown calling himself The Joker?
THE JOKER
Who wants to know?
THE COMEDIAN
Listen, you little face-paint-wearing motherfucker, you may be a Joker, but I'm a professional Comedian.
The Joker grabs The Comedian, knocks his gun away, grips his face and puts a knife in his mouth.
THE JOKER
Would you like to know how I got these scars? I used to be a comedian myself. But I wasn't very funny. So I got mixed up with the mob. And I lost them a whole lot of money. So, one night, on stage, wile I was performing, a thug came up, grabbed me and sliced my goddamned face open. And he left me looking like the poster child of laughter!
The Joker laughs wickedly. The Comedian kicks him in the ribs, knocking him to the floor.
THE COMEDIAN
Crack wise all you want, you little shit, but I get a last laugh.
He takes The Joker's knife and cuts The Joker's throat.
THE COMEDIAN
Anyone else feeling brave? Good.
THE BATMAN
Get in the shuttle, you're going to Arkham.
Gorilla Grodd, Solomon Grundy and Toyman oblige.
INT. Hall Of Doom
Ozymandias stands before the group.
OZYMANDIAS
Our opponents have been defeated. Our next step is to-
Suddenly, the building shakes!
EXT. Hall Of Doom
It is revealed that the swamp-based layer of the Legion Of Doom is being shaken by—THE SWAMP THING!!! Ozymandias steps out.
OZYMANDIAS
What is the meaning of this?
Swamp Thing grabs Ozymandias. From the shadows steps Rorschach.
SWAMP THING
Care to finish him?
RORSCHACH
Hurm.
Rorschach takes out a gun and puts a bullet in Ozymandias's head.
SWAMP THING
Looks like you made the killing joke.
RORSCHACH
Meta.
The portal opens. Rorschach steps through. The space craft lands, and The Comedian steps off the ship and through the portal as well. The Batman steps off too.
THE BATMAN
Well, Swamp Thing, you helped us out of another jam. You will always be a friend to…
ANNOUNCER
THE SUPERFRIENDS!!