Power to the Sisterhood
A take on the Extreme Ghostbusters episode "Witchy Woman".
Celine
So apparently we're going to be "the most popular girls on campus". Yeah, great, thanks. Who wants to be popular anyway?
Answer: Wanda. God knows why. I think maybe she finds it frustrating, because she's easily pretty enough to be popular - unlike me and Bess. All she has to do is not be this angry, unpleasant woman intent on lesbian domination. But she just can't do it.
At least she's given up trying to persuade me and Bess that we're gay too. Sure, men suck, but if you're not that way inclined then you're just not. And Bess… she's head over heels for this football player now. And yeah, he is a fox. Totally. So shallow that I could stand in a puddle of him and not get my feet wet, but if she just wants his body, I get it.
So then Wanda uses him to hook Bess. "Okay, you're not a lesbian - you want to fuck Chip. I know someone who can help you." It wasn't exactly that, but near enough.
Bess wants Chip and Wanda wants to be popular. Me? I just want to turn people into things. Not that I told Wanda that. I could have - I'm sure she'd have understood - but it seems kind of callous. So I've given her my number two reason after that: I want to help Bess. And I do. She's my friend. She wants to fuck the football player, then great - I'm all for that. That girl needs to get laid.
Anyway, it's a matter of principle. If Bess can steal Chip away from Tina Bell, I'll do everything I can to help her. Who says ugly girls can't get hot guys? Okay, so maybe they need magic to help them - but no one needs to know that, do they?
She hasn't gotten anywhere yet, but that's okay. We need a fourth believer. Once we have her, Bess can do whatever the hell she likes. We all can. That's what appeals to me about all this. I need that power like I need oxygen. Yeah, okay, that's a cliché. So the fuck what? I'm a witch now - I can use as many fucking clichés as I like.
I want it, yes… but at the same time I kind of like where we are right now. We turned Tina Bell into a troll. We are awesome. Bess was crying about it in the bathroom after, but I think I managed to cheer her up.
"Who cares if she's not pretty anymore and she's miserable?" I said. "She deserves it, the bitch. The point is she's out of the way now, so you can make your move."
Wanda overheard. Maybe she was listening at the door, worried we were getting gay without her or something.
"Must you encourage her to get involved with men?" she said to me, when I left Bess in there ten minutes later. Is she fucking crazy or what?
"Er, hello?" I said. "You've been encouraging her with him. That's the whole reason she's into this shit in the first place!"
"That was just to reel her in," said Wanda. "She's got a taste for it now - maybe we can make her forget about Chip."
I shook my head and said, "I don't think so, Wanda."
I don't know if Wanda's got the hots for Bess or what. I wouldn't, if I were a lesbian. Wanda, maybe, but Bess… she's not sexy. But mind you, neither am I. Maybe she'd be the best I could do.
Anyway, in the meantime, Wanda's got us looking out for this fourth believer. She has to be a girl. She has to understand the power of witches. She has to this, she has to that, she has to blah blah blah.
Actually, I think a lot of this has got to do with Wanda wanting to get laid.
Wanda
Chip turned Bess down after all that, thank goodness. So that meant we could turn him into something. A tree. Why the fuck not? He called her a twig, after all. Asshole. I've told her - she wouldn't get this kind of heartache if she didn't go chasing after men. They're all as bad as each other. If you're not a fucking swimsuit model, they don't give you the time of day.
Speaking of men… this guy's showed up. Actually it was my fault. I was so keen to meet the girl, I didn't wait for him to leave. God, she's hot. I'm sure she's a lesbian, even if she doesn't know it yet. And if she doesn't, all the better. I'll soon show her.
She's perfect. Kylie, her name is. I knew she was a true believer, and then we find out she's a Ghostbuster. Bess… I do love her, but she can be such a pussy sometimes. "I told her we should leave her alone," she said. Not likely. That girl is mine.
Except she doesn't want to join our circle. Thinks Surnunos is dangerous or something. Fine, let her think that. I'll show her about him too.
The only problem with Kylie is that dick who's always hanging around with her. It's not her fault. They work together. I was complaining to the girls about him last night, and Bess said she thought he was cute. Can you believe that? The woman is insane.
"If you tell him you're gay," Celine said, "he'll soon back off."
I said, "It's none of his fucking business if I'm gay."
"He should have guessed by now anyway," said Celine. "You should hear yourself with that chick. We know what it's about, but they don't. 'Come to the occult bookstore, Kylie!' 'Come to this frat party with us, Kylie!' Do you know how it sounds?"
"Yeah," said Bess, "she might think you're hitting on her."
"Let her think it," I said. "Maybe I am."
"Wanda," said Celine. "You'll scare her away. Not everyone's a lesbian."
I didn't get into my usual rant about men and what a complete waste of space they are. Shallow, horny bastards the lot of them. But Celine and Bess have heard that from me enough times. There's only so much I can do, but in the end, they have to figure it out for themselves. And Bess - she's already halfway there. Well, maybe halfway. I don't know - but she's learnt that Chip doesn't want her whether that whore Tina's around or not.
So now she's into that guy who hangs out with Kylie, is she? Well, she'll learn the same thing about him. With that guy, it's me he wants. I've been a total bitch to him, pretty much telling him to fuck off and go spank his own monkey because I don't want it anywhere near me. And he still hangs around me, thinking he has a chance. He doesn't care if I'm nice to him or not. He just wants my body. He's even blind enough and arrogant enough to think I want his (excuse me while I barf!).
And Celine and Bess? He doesn't know they're alive. Neither of them's ever gonna exactly be a contender for Miss America, and I don't care about that. I'd fuck 'em. But that guy… Eduardo, isn't it? Bess'll know. She's a sweet girl, but she's ugly. I'm a bitch, but I'm pretty. And I'm the one he wants. Doesn't that tell her anything?
But to be honest, I don't care anymore who's a lesbian and who isn't… just as long as Kylie is. I'm not kidding here. I want her, and I want that power too. It would be so perfect - the four of us ruling the world, with me and her as lovers. We could make all the men live on farms or something, and freeze their sperm for when we need it. No sex - not with guys. Then the women of this world will start to realise what I figured out a long time ago: they can turn to each other for anything, including that.
Oh, Kylie, why can't you see this the way I do? If I can just make her see how good Surnunos is for us, I know she'll come round. To everything. She has to.
Bess
Wanda thinks I don't realise, but I'm not that stupid. Yeah, okay, so it wasn't really me he wanted. I get it. Go for the pretty one, get turned down and then pick up her ugly friend. I don't mind. I know I'm not pretty. No stranger's ever going to come up and ask me out, and I'm okay with that. Because it's what's inside that counts. Chip didn't realise, but Eduardo does. He asked me out after he got to know me a little bit. After I persuaded Celine and Wanda to help trap Surnunos and save the city.
"He was coming onto me for all that time," Wanda said to me after. "I was a total bitch to him, and he didn't care. He only cares about looks."
I didn't say anything. There's no point in arguing with Wanda, because I know it's not true. Obviously it's not, or he wouldn't be going out with me. Who says nice girls finish last? At first I didn't say anything when he was around, and he didn't notice me. Then I did something that showed a bit of integrity, and he did.
I'm an inspiration to ugly girls everywhere. He's even good looking. Celine doesn't think so, and Wanda can't tell with guys, but I thought he was gorgeous ever since I saw him in the library with Kylie. I wondered if maybe they were together, but they didn't look like they were. And then he asked me out, so they must just be friends. Study buddies, even. She was helping him with a paper, apparently. Maybe I should tell Wanda he's taking the Women in Literature class. She'd like feminism to be confined to women, but then it's not feminism anymore. It's chauvinism. But I daren't tell her that.
Being friends with Wanda is kind of one-sided, really. Same with Celine. When it's just the two of them, I don't know who's the dominant one, but I never get to be on top with either of them. With Eduardo… he's always asking me what I want. He tries to make things more or less equal between us - that's the kind of guy he is. And I… I'm such an idiot. I just clam up and say, "I don't know, you decide." I even said that when he asked me what I wanted in bed the other night.
Wanda was furious about me not coming home until the morning. All right, so I slept with him - so what? I don't know if it's because he's not into her anymore - I mean, maybe she liked the attention in spite of everything - or maybe it's because she still wants to convince me I'm a lesbian. But I'm really not. When the three of us hooked up, she had two ideas for what we'd do: mess around with magic, and mess around with each other's bodies. Celine was keen on the whole magic thing, but not the whole lesbian thing, so I said the same even though I wasn't sure about the magic thing either.
It was Chip that persuaded me. Not literally, of course, but Wanda had me convinced I could make him want me. I should have known she was playing me. I mean, all that time she spent trying to persuade me to be gay… "What good are men? They're all the same - only want one thing, and they'll leave you out to dry once they've had it. You're better off with women. They know which buttons to push and they don't get you pregnant."
Put like that, it kind of makes sense. I mean, not all men are like that, but apart from that she has some reasoned arguments. But it's like I told her: it's a physical thing, and it's an emotional thing. It's not logical. And then one day she suddenly does a U-turn; she understands that I am not, and never will be a lesbian, and she's trying to help me get Chip. Good one, Bess. You really thought that was what she wanted for you, didn't you?
I guess I should have stopped it when it started to get out of hand. But it's not like I didn't try. I told them over and over again that we should talk to Kylie. She obviously knew more than we did about Surnunos, and look what happened!
But the worst thing is that I don't seem to have learned anything. I know in my mind that I should be less passive with Celine and Wanda, but I'm not doing it. I'm just keeping this stuff all to myself. I don't even tell Eduardo what I think half the time.
Oh, but he's wonderful. Much better than Chip. He's back with Tina now, of course. There we were, asking, "What does he see in her?" The answer is that she's gorgeous, like I said at the time - same thing she sees in him. Same thing I saw in him. But we weren't asking ourselves about that. I don't know about the others, but I was just working on the assumption that he was a good guy, and that makes me no better than Wanda would like to believe Eduardo is.
I guess maybe that's another of one those things I should try pointing out to her.