KIRA IN WONDERLAND
Summary: One brownie too many and Light finds himself in the loopy world of cards and nonsense. Misa's ordering perfume and mass execution, L's having a kinky tea party and… well, everyone's in for the ride! Crackish eloquence.
A/N: Yep, a crackfic (and for those awaiting the next installment of Switching Hands, no worries, that too is coming shortly!) – enjoy!
Alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.
The Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
The Cat: You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here.
- Alice in Wonderland, Lewis Caroll
Prologue
11:28 p.m.
Task Force Headquarters
"Honestly, Ryuzaki, stop that."
"Stop what, Light-kun?"
"That. You're staring."
"Yes. Your point?"
"It's making me damn uncomfortable if you must know."
"I have my reasons."
"Oh?"
"It'd be lying if I said we were making any progress at this rate. Nothing else seems to keep my attention very long and you're nice to look at."
Light felt the colour rush to his face at an alarming rate. "Ryuzaki!" He hated how squeaky his voice sounded like the noise the rubber duck made when the detective threw it at him in the shower.
"You shouldn't be so shy. You're an attractive person and it's only natural I admire your physical beauty."
A few moments of silence.
"…really? I mean…it's kind of weird, Ryuzaki. You don't seem like the type."
"The type? I don't think I follow."
"Well…ha, actually, I always thought of you as asexual."
"Asexual."
"You don't seem to have any interest in anybody in the romantic or sexual sense, guy or girl. Remember that porn site we came across when looking through the pro-Kira ones?"
"I think you invented a new shade of red on that occasion."
"Har, har. My dad was in the room."
"So? You didn't have a problem with reading certain magazines while you were under surveillance."
The brunette frowned and massaged his temples absently. Man, why did everything seem so fuzzy when he tried to recall things before the confinement? He leaned back into his chair, sighing heavily.
"Now, now, let's not get sentimental over pornography, Light-kun. I think this conversation was about my sexuality."
He chuckled dryly. "So what's your say on it then?"
The detective drew his knees closer to his thin body, fingers between his strawberry-stained lips. 'Three slices of strawberry cheesecake simply wasn't enough. At this rate, I'll be in withdrawal in record time.' Where was Watari when you needed him?
"Well." The younger boy looked at him expectantly, a smug smirk playing on his lips. "Cat got your tongue?"
"Speaking of cats, I…" he paused, trying to recall something he had read in the magazine article about Misa-Misa, the squealing model that could either be found in her room or latched onto Light's arm.
"Yes?"
"I can be a kinky kitten."
A short silence followed, broken by roaring laughter. Light fell off his chair and onto the tiled floor. The pain of hitting said floor face first with the handcuff digging into his arm was overpowered by the hysterical guffaws he couldn't stop. It was comical how he banged the floor with his fists and rolled around as was the dull expression on L's face on seeing the other man react so kindly to his statement.
The detective took this excellent opportunity to call Watari and ask him to bring up some cheesecake. Really, that man needed to know L's moods better.
"Six percent. Are you finished?" He asked the rolling ball of hysterics on the floor, wincing as the chain began to wrap every which way with the strange movement below.
"What are you on and why aren't you sharing?" came the sniggering response followed by more rolling.
"Seven percent. Are you mocking my libido, Light-kun?"
"Libido! Ha ha ha! Ryuzaki, my toaster has more sexual drive than you!"
"Is that a challenge?"
Light stopped mid-laugh, eyebrows raised. "You're going to do what to my toaster?"
Whatever L was about to say next was cut short by the 'ding' of the elevator and the rush of cold air into the room as its doors opened. Three piece suit and toothbrush moustache immaculate, Watari pushed in a silver trolley. Light was in awe – how could the man walk a straight line without hitting anything and make it to L's chair with his eyes closed? Or were they really small eyes behind those glasses?
"Ryuzaki. Light-san." He half-bowed, half-nodded when he addressed them, one white eyebrows raised at Light's compromising positioned; partially wrapped in chains on the floor right under the detective's feet. "Have I interrupted something?"
"What? No, this isn't--" Light struggled to wriggle out of the grasp of the chain, only making matters worse. "—what it looks like."
"What does it look like, Watari?" L asked innocently, leaning forward oh-so-slightly, allowing Light a clear view up his loose shirt.
Yet another shade of red to add to Light's colour chart. The detective gave him thumbs up, clearly approving of his progress.
"Your cheesecake, Ryuzaki," Watari, ever the gentleman, handed the detective a plate the dessert, a calm expression on his creased face. "May I ask why Light-san is…in that position?"
"He mocked me."
"Now, that's no way to treat your friend or colleague."
"He mocked my sexual potency," he clarified, glaring at the insulter in question, "The nerve."
"The nerve," agreed the older man, nodding firmly.
"Hey!" Light, still on the floor, frowned at the sniper-butler who was his aid only moments ago.
L, mouth full of cheesecake, made a sound between a sigh and a 'pfft'. "Please help him up. He's beginning to annoy me."
Watari complied, undoing the chain with ease and pulling the boy up swiftly. "You should think wisely next time you make such bold accusations, Light-san."
"Hmph. You're not serious, are you? I mean it's Ryuzaki, for crying out loud. Could you imagine him…?" He stopped that train of thought, shuddering at the sudden mental image.
"Don't underestimate him – he's been known to prove many people wrong," Watari warned, pushing a plate of brownies into the youth's hands, "Here, I made these for you."
Light frowned, clearly thrown off by this sudden change of heart and topic. But then again those brownies did smell delicious. "Why, thank you, Watari-san."
"You're very welcome. L requested them especially for you."
"Hmm, makes me wonder if I should eat them in the first place."
"Don't be a drama queen, Light-kun, these are Watari's famous brownies. I'm sure he'll be greatly offended if you don't have one," L offered in a droning sing-song voice.
"Oh, alright, just one," Light sighed, taking one of the brownies and examining it by the stark white office lights. A slab of brownie goodness – surely, nothing was amiss.
"I assure you Light-san, I haven't poisoned them," Watari laughed a little too loud but the brunette had already started eating the brownie.
"Mmm, this is delicious!" The teen said through a mouthful of chocolate chips, nodding fervently.
"Told you," detective L muttered, leaning back into his chair. He had already begun to formulate ideas in his head. 'How can I show Light I have a sexual drive? And a large one, for that matter!' It was a serious matter.
"Oh, wow, I see why you love this stuff, Ryuzaki!" Light took a second brownie, than a third. Never too late to start the sugar tirade. Then again…was the room supposed to be spinning like that after the sixth brownie? He hit the floor with a loud thump, pulling the detective down with him, surrendering to the black haze of unconsciousness.