Out of the Loop

by Daria234

Anna's thoughts on what it's like to be between human and angel. One-shot with implied past Anna/Cas, implied present Cas/Dean and Anna/Dean. Slash and het, don't read if you don't like. Not strictly SPN canon portrayal of angels

When I dream, I am always ageless.

My body is still there. I can still feel it, its pull, its entropy. Its earthy there-ness.

The bliss of corporeality. But without the strictures of physics or logic.

Everything is free. Blurry. In motion. Everywhere at once.

Like the ocean when it was first made, back in the old times. They were an oozing breathing thing then -- all the life forms, all their proteins, swirling around in the same watery garden. No clear boundary between the one and the million.

When I dream, I remember what it was like to see everything. To love everything. But I also remember my human traits. I remember what it was like to be something.

And so, in my dreams, I am everyone. And I love everyone. But because I am also human, there are some I love more than anyone should, more than is right.

I am both when I dream.

Human and not.

Past and present.

Few things stand out among the endless rows of eddying images. Few things can be sieved out as truth rather than dream.

But I remember this: whispering orders into Cas' mind. The intimacy of perfect communication.

And I remember seeing this other Cas, the more recent one, with the body that goes so well with my own. Like the old Cas, but now with so much love for things of this world.

When I put my hands on Dean's body, on Cas' mark, the ones his hands left after that bold and dangerous rescue... I feel like I am touching Cas. Like we are both something else, something like human.

Human and not.

And when Cas gazes at Dean, I start to wonder if Cas can feel something for - can love - someone imperfect and human. Someone less.

But these are not just dreams. These are true memories. And they trouble me. But when I dream, when I am outside the stringy tangle of time and space, I am not troubled. THe images bring only good things.

When I dream, I am everyone I ever loved. I'm them and they're me. Everyone I loved as a human, everyone I loved when my grace was intact. No passage of time, no lines or borders, none of that suffocating air that pushes a space between bodies.

When I dream, I breathe the world in and the sheer beauty of it fills my lungs.

When I dream, I dream of falling. And the falling is a joy.

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AN: Originally written for comment_fic, a multi-fandom prompt community on lj (livejournal)

Prompt was Anna, "When I dream, I am always ageless."