Hogwarts-Year One
Harry gazed upon the semi-feral, but indubitably majestic form that was the headmaster of Hogwarts. The man himself stood around 6'2 in height, wearing a long, black, leather coat. There was the disturbing matter of the eye patch, but Harry managed to avoid gawking at it. Soon, he hoped he would find out why the headmaster of Hogwarts was so revered.
"Silence." he called. It was a bit of a lackadaisical performance, that Harry wasn't very impressed by. Evidently, none of the other students were either. The chatter continued. The headmaster leaned against the back of his chair, stroking his brow in annoyance.
"If I hear another goddamn sqeak coming out of your lil green butts, I'm gonna have you thrown out to the fucking dogs. You understand?"
Harry was quite taken aback. The entire hall was silent.
"Yeah that's what I thought." he grinned widely. "Now. I've got a few announcements to make. First off, welcome to Hogwarts and all that jazz. Second! Keep. Your goddamn. Ass. Out of the fucking forest. It's ridiculous that I gotta keep telling you this. For god's sake, it' called the Forbidden Forest. The Forbidden-fucking-Forest! I mean come on this is some fucked up shit that I have to keep telling you. Second I don't wanna hear nothing about one of yall tiny muthafucka's wandering into the third floor. I will never forgive your ass for that shit. You hear me?"
Every head in the hall nodded. Harry was horrified.
"Good. Now this year we got Squirrel or something teaching you muthafuckas how to wave your sticks in some fancey-dancey ways to keep people from trying to kill yo ass."
"A-ah Y-es, I-" The man in the turban began stumbling over his words, as he rose from his chair.
"Excuse you." The defense teacher stared at him questioningly. "I'm sorry, I don't remember asking you a goddamn thing. Please. Continue"
"R-right as I was s-saying-"
"Man your ass takes to damn long, shut the hell up." The trembling professor stared at his accusing finger.
"And the rest of you, get the hell outta my goddamn house."
The hall quickly disappeared. If there was one thing that was for certain, it was that no one would be visiting the Forbidden Forests. Or the third corridor. Or anywhere near the general vicinity of the headmasters office.
A few months later, Quirrel had mysteriously vanished. Something about "Two faced" and "Bazooka" with a great deal of expletives.
The purebloods didn't really get it.