Dear Fanfiction Authors

by Ariana Peverell

Harry's been reading fanfiction, and he's not happy.

A/N: I am actually a fan of H/Hr and Dark!Harry fanfics, I'm just trying to write about them the way I think canon Harry would.

Dear Fanfiction Authors

Dear Fanfiction Authors,

My name is Harry Potter, and there are some things that I would like to point out.

The Dursleys, however nasty they might have been, did not beat me.

I am STRAIGHT. Straight as a… straight thing. Therefore I am not in love with Sirius, Voldemort, Ron, Snape, Draco, or any other male I have been shipped with.

Contrary to popular belief, Ginny did not force me to marry her. We are quite happy together, I assure you.

I am NOT interested in Hermione. She's practically a sister to me, and I find the idea of kissing her quite repulsive.

Snape is not my father.

Neither is Voldemort, Lucius, or any other man but James.

I will never join Voldemort.

Ever.

Dumbledore is not evil. Nor did he manipulate me into killing Voldemort. And no, fangirls, I am NOT brainwashed.

I do not love Daphne Greengrass, Susan Bones, Hannah Abbot, or any other woman but Ginny. And no, fangirls, I am not brainwashed.

Another few things:

Bellatrix is not my mother.

I have never been and will never be sent to Azkaban.

I am not a girl.

I am not the heir of Slytherin, Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, Merlin, or Monty Python.

I wish I was the heir of Monty Python, though.

Yours in hate,

Harry "not at all brainwashed" Potter