Special thanks to Duskwatcher, porche911turbo, MyOwnCrystalHeart, and the girls at Project Team Beta!
Written for the Sparkle Snark-Full Humor Contest
Rosalie POV
"Okay, so we'll be home by eleven," Bella called out as she made her way down the stairs. "If you need anything, and I mean anything, Edward and I will both have our phones on."
"Yeah, yeah, I got it. Really, everything will be just fine," I said as I rolled my eyes at Bella's panicked expression. I mean, seriously, had I not practically raised this kid?
"Relax, Bella, what could possibly happen?" Emmett teased as he waited for the next phase of his video game to load.
Bella glanced over at Emmett and then back to me. Her face softened. "I guess you're right."
She gave Renesmee a quick kiss on the cheek and raced out the door to catch up with Edward, who was patiently waiting outside in the Volvo. They weren't fooling anyone with the ridiculous excuses they gave each time they went out. We knew what they were really going to do, and who could blame them? It's hard to focus on a kid when you've just discovered the joys of sex.
I looked down at Renesmee. "Okay, sweetie, what do you want to do?"
She grinned shyly, looking up at me with those big doe eyes. twirling a lock of hair around her finger. "Can I watch Hannah Montana?"
I looked over at Emmett, shooting him a pleading look. He looked down at her face and instantly turned off the video game. "It's all yours, babe. Knock yourself out!"
Renesmee squealed and ran over to him, wrapping herself around his legs. "Thank you, Uncle Emmett!"
He grinned as if I had just given him a blowjob. "No problem, I've got some stuff to do in the garage anyway."
He winked at me and disappeared out the door. I ran to my room and grabbed my manicure set before joining Renesmee in the living room. I found her sprawled out on the floor in front of the TV, her eyes practically glued to the screen.
"Don't sit so close, Nessie," I gently scolded. "You're going to hurt your eyes."
Renesmee turned and rolled her eyes at me before stating, "So what, Aunt Rose? I mean, if I do, Grandpa Carlisle will just fix them for me." I smiled and stretched out on the couch and went to work on my nails. She was such a sweet kid.
This afternoon was going to be a piece of cake.
An hour later, Renesmee was still engrossed in her show; apparently, it was going to be on all afternoon. All of a sudden, Renesmee stood up from the floor and planted herself in front of me, staring at me with a needful expression just as I was about to start the second coat of polish on my nails.
I kept sneaking glances at her, trying to deduce what was going on. She continued to stand there and stare, and I could tell that she wanted something, but what?
Finally, I decided to feel her out. "What is it? Do you want me to do your nails too?"
She shook her head. "No."
Okay, that wasn't it. "Are you hungry?"
Once again, she shook her head. "No."
My patience began to wear thin. "Okay, chick, you got to help me out here. What is it that you want?"
"I want the new Hannah Montana doll," she said matter-of-factly.
I looked up and observed her demanding stance. "Okay then, we'll get you one," I said nonchalantly. I didn't really see what the big deal was. We pretty much had one rule about these things: what Renesmee wants, Renesmee gets.
Her demeanor stayed the same. I felt confused once again. I had just told her that she could have the stupid doll. What was I missing here?
Renesmee's eyes darkened, and she folded her arms across her chest. "I want it now."
Had we not just went over this? "Yeah, yeah, we'll go get you one in a little while. Now, watch your show and let me finish my nails."
She reached over and grabbed my bottle of nail polish off the coffee table. "It's only sold at Wal-Mart."
Okay, I was starting to get a little annoyed here. "Sorry, chick, I don't do Wal-Mart."
"B…but..." She pouted, her lips beginning to quiver. "I want it…"
"Well, maybe your Mom will get one for you when she gets home. She seems like a Wal-Mart shopper."
She stood there, staring at me. I thought she was about to give up. Boy, was I wrong.
"I hate you!" she screamed in my face, "You're the worst aunt in the whole world!"
I immediately flew off the couch and stood over her, trying to remind myself not to lose my temper on an innocent toddler. "Well, I'm not exactly thrilled with you right now either, little girl."
We stood there, glaring at one another in an unspoken standoff for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, a single tear slid down her cheek, and I decided to call for reinforcements.
"Emmett!"
EMPOV
I carefully strapped Renesmee into her car seat, making sure all of the buckles were intact. She had just about outgrown this thing. She was only a year old, but she was the size of a kindergartener now. She seemed way too mature to be in a car seat, but Edward had insisted. I knew she wasn't actually in any danger here. There was very little chance of me losing control of the jeep; my reflexes were too fast for that sort of thing. Still, I drove slightly below my normal speed as an extra precaution.
It didn't take us very long to get to Port Angeles, but she was extremely impatient. Before arriving at our destination, I was forced to endure her cries of "Are we there yet?" at least twenty different times.
Finally, we arrived at Wal-Mart. I had never been so happy to see that godforsaken place in my life. I quickly unfastened Renesmee, and we made our way inside.
As soon as we walked through the doors, her eyes grew wide, and she took off running through the store. I instantly pursued her, urging her to walk at 'human speed' before someone noticed that we were not quite normal.
She managed to slow down to a sprint as we made our way to the toy department. We found the Hannah Montana section, and I gasped at the sign on the display for the new special edition doll. It read 'Sold Out'.
Oh shit, now what do I do?
I glanced over at Renesmee who looked like she was ready to take out an entire herd of deer with her darkened eyes and clenched fists.
"I want the Hannah Montana doll," she whined, staring up at the sign.
"I know you do, Nessie, but you see the store is all sold out," I explained, hoping she would understand.
She glared at me with her hands on her hips in a demanding stance. I knew that look all too well. Rosalie got the same look when she didn't get her way.
"I said I want the Hannah Montana doll!"
Shit, she didn't take 'no' for an answer. "Yeah, kiddo, I heard you the first time, but there aren't any dolls left."
Thank God there were no humans close by, because the little rugrat proceeded to growl at me before stomping her feet and hollering, "I WANT THE HANNAH MONTANA DOLL!"
Houston, we have a problem…
"Nessie, please calm down!" I pleaded, trying to think of a way to stop this before it really got out of hand. "Maybe we could go to another Wal-Mart, perhaps in Seattle. Or, I'm sure we could just order you one off of the internet or something."
I could tell by her expression that my efforts were having no effect on her whatsoever. I was debating calling for backup, but I knew I would never hear the end of it if I did. I was supposed to be the badass; I would never hear the end of it if I let a disgruntled toddler get the better of me.
"Aaahh!" She screamed as she grabbed a piece of Hannah Montana merchandise and tossed it onto the floor. My phone buzzed inside my pocket, but I chose to ignore it. I had my hands full after all.
"Nessie!" I yelled, picking up the toy and placing it back on the shelf. She scowled at me and immediately knocked the same toy back onto the floor. We stood there, staring at each other in a silent standoff before I finally decided to give her a dose of authority. "Nessie, don't you dare throw a temper tantrum in front of all these people!"
My words had no effect on her whatsoever. She gave me a devilish grin before attacking the toys head on. I tried my best to grab her, but she was all over the place. The damn kid had her dad's speed combined with her mom's determination.
Since I wasn't having much luck stopping her destruction, I began zipping around the aisles behind her, using my vampire speed, and tried to put the toys back in place as she scattered them haphazardly across the floor.
Complete fucking meltdown.
At some point, I caught up with Renesmee and managed to grab onto the back of her shirt. I was feeling pretty relieved until she spun around and sunk her teeth into my arm, hard. "Agghh!" I roared, trying to shake her off my arm. She pulled away, snickered, and then kicked me in the groin.
"Damnit!" I yelled, lowering my hands to protect my manhood from any further attempt at assault. Renesmee simply stood there and laughed. She took advantage of the fact that I was temporarily incapacitated, quickly undoing my clean-up efforts as she moved in for a second wave of attack on the toys.
I was still struggling to recover when she lunged forward, pressing all of her weight against the disheveled Hannah Montana shelf. I watched in horror as it tumbled forward into the Bratz aisle, which fell forward into the Harry Potter shelf, which then took out the Transformers section…and so on. The domino effect had reduced the entire toy department to ruins, with humans screaming and running for their lives all around the store.
Fucking shit, Carlisle was not going to be happy if I had to slaughter everyone in Wal-Mart!
Before I could decide what to do next, I heard an announcement over the loudspeaker: "Security to the toy department, ASAP!"
A moment later, I saw the two uniformed men rushing towards me. I knew I was probably about to be arrested, and that I would have to play along. I couldn't risk any more exposure than Nessie had already caused us today.
It's a good thing she's cute, or I would tear her apart. Hell, I might do that anyways!
The two men approached me, one on each side, as I stood there, defeated. "Sir, you need to come with us," the security guard said as he reached for my arm.
"But…but it wasn't me!" I wailed.
"Oh?" the security guard said with a patronizing tone. "Well then, who are you suggesting destroyed the entire toy section?"
"She did!" I said, pointing to Renesmee who was lying on the floor, pretending to cry.
The security guard looked down at Renesmee and then shook his head. "Do you really expect me to believe that a small child did this? Besides, we heard you yelling from across the store, and we have several witnesses who saw you running around the aisles just before everything came crashing down."
How in the hell could I possibly explain this? My mind raced through several explanations, but I wasn't very good at coming up with that kind of stuff. Instead, I decided to try to explain to him how my adorable niece had been having a meltdown. "Yes, but you don't understand. She–"
"I'm not going to listen to any more of this," he interrupted. "You need to come with me."
I looked over at the other security guard; he had his arms folded tightly across his chest and appeared to be none too pleased. I was still debating the ramifications if I were to resist when I noticed an enraged Rosalie making her way towards us.
"Rosie, what are you doing here?" I asked innocently, as she knelt down beside Renesmee.
"Alice called," she snapped. Judging by the look on her face, I would be better off taking my chances with security.
"Come on, Babe, you know this wasn't intentional–"
"What I know, Babe, is that you are going to have a lot of explaining to do when you get home," she growled as she checked Renesmee for injuries. "Not to mention the fact that you are going to be the one who deals with Edward tonight."
"Oh, I think I can handle Edward," I said with confidence.
Rosalie took Nessie's hand, stood to face me, and scowled. "Oh, yeah? Just like you handled Renesmee?"
My eyes ventured down to Renesmee who had finally ceased the temper tantrum and was looking up at me triumphantly.
"Nessie, you've been a very…naughty…little girl!"
She giggled, clutching Rosalie's hand, as the security guard led me away.