Warnings: Post S5
Disclaimer: I own no part of the SG world, none of the characters and make no money from this. If only!

Comments: Response to the Beya Valentine's Day 'Different Types of Love' Challenge. This is in response to the prompt – Declarations of Love.

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A light breeze had picked up across the closely cropped field, dancing stray flower petals and pieces of ribbon along with its unseen hand. The open space by the Athosian tents was decorated with trellises of flowers set around tables and the open space where the ceremony was to be performed. It all stood in the distance from Teyla, through the wicker hand woven archway that led through to the ceremonial space. She looked at the archway, pretty flowers, beads and ribbons interwoven around its shape, the wind dancing playfully with their edges around the entrance. Most of her people had already walked through the archway, despite there being space on either side. It was a ritual act that Teyla had yet to perform herself.

She looked away from the gathering group to where guests were still arriving along the path from the Gate. All nodded to her, their smiles deep and kind, but there were only a certain few faces she really wished to see. They were late, and a sense of growing unease hounded her. Where were they? She began to fear that something had occurred back in Atlantis, but Mr Woolsey, Zelenka, Carson and Jennifer had already arrived a short time ago with no hint that anything was amiss. But, her team had yet to arrive.

She nodded to that last group of guests who passed her, on their way towards the archway and the field beyond. The rest of the path was empty. The wind picked up again, scattering the dry dust from the path up and into her eyes. Blinking and turning away she was once again looking at the archway. On the other side of the flapping ribbons, petals and glass beads her people were preparing to begin a ceremony to unite the last remaining families of their people. Kanaan had mentioned it some time ago, wishing to unite her and his families. At the time she had cautiously agreed to the idea, but as the day had gradually neared she had begun to feel unnerved by it. And that unease was growing more intense with the continued absence of those she valued most at her side.

She looked back to the path her eyes now clear of grit and through a brief swirl of dust and flower petals she saw the strong outline of Ronon, his clothing dark and smartly pressed. Relief fled through her at the sight of him, and behind him Rodney came into view, his face turned from her as he studied the camp. They were here for her and the space was filled. Until she tracked her gaze to Rodney's left and saw only empty space where John should have walked. Frowning she looked around them, searching out the familiar sight of John, but there was nothing but empty space around her approaching friends. Instantly worried, she moved forward to meet them.

As she reached them she saw immediately that something was not right, but though they were smiling, their smiles were not quite right. She looked over Rodney's shoulder once more in faint hope, but John's presence remained absent. She looked back to Rodney with her question clear in her expression.

"He…umm…there was something important he had um to uh do back in Atlantis. He said to say hi, and you know…congratulations," Rodney spluttered out cautiously and she heard the barely hidden lie in his words.

"Is everything alright in Atlantis?" She asked, clinging to the hope that there was something serious which demanded John's personal presence back in Atlantis.

"It's all fine…he has, you know…Colonel stuff to do," Rodney replied, but his expression was conflicted, cautious and somehow defensive as he looked off to the archway and field. She watched Rodney's face, watched his expression closely, and saw there the admitted truth as he glanced back at her.

John did not wish to be here.

The truth of that cut sharply and she tried not to show her disappointment too greatly to her friends, but she suspected they saw it clearly enough. Her discomfort about today returned with a vengeance, and she glanced aside to the archway entrance again.

"I don't think he likes weddings," Rodney muttered as a weak joke and even weaker excuse.

Wedding. Teyla look back at Rodney in surprise. They thought this was a wedding? She opened her mouth to correct their belief, but then paused and looked back to the archway to her left. This was to be a bonding ceremony for the Athosian families, but in truth it was similar to a wedding. She sought out Kanaan's familiar shoulders among the distant group of her people and wondered abruptly if this was how he saw this ceremony. Was he placing upon it more emphasis and meaning for their future than he should? But, was she also ignoring its meaning as well? By agreeing to this, by purposefully uniting her family with his, she was in a sense agreeing to a bonding ceremony with Kanaan.

And suddenly John's absence today took on an entirely new light. The explanation that arrived in her mind was blunt and sharply painful in its possibility. He did not wish to see her married. He was one of her closest friends, but he did not want to be here. He saw this ceremony as her bonding herself to Kanaan and he did not wish to be here! All these long years of unspoken and imagined feelings and connections were suddenly and irrevocably confirmed. That John had revealed this to her with his absence seemed all the more sharply painful.

She locked her eyes on the archway, the enormity of John's reaction clear and shocking for her. And almost as shocking was her clear and equally shocking desire to run back to Atlantis. She swallowed, maintaining her composure before so many. All these years, she had suppressed and ignored the foolish imaginings and attraction to John. All these years, they had worked with each other with no comment, no accidental admission on either's part and now suddenly it was his absence that spoke for all those moments. For all that went unsaid, but apparently not unfelt.

She looked away from the archway and back to the path behind Rodney's shoulder, but it remained empty, save for the gusting dust. She felt a flush of fear that she might suddenly see him, stepping through the dust, arriving full of apologies and half-hearted excuses. He could have come to the ceremony today, stood at the back and kept quiet, keeping his opinion to himself as was his usual way, but he preferred not to even be here. The depth of emotion that seemed to suggest stirred her deeply, and she desperately needed to see him, to be sure that she understood what was being unsaid.

The path blurred as tears filled her eyes. Her life felt so abruptly altered, past memories filled with new depth and understanding, and the ache in her chest growing with each breath. A world of new possibilities had been opened to her. She did not know what they may hold, only that suddenly she felt she had options where she had had none before.

She looked back to the archway, to the flapping ribbons and scattering petals and suspected this was why she had been unable to pass through that ceremonial entrance yet. A part of her had never wanted to be here, knowing that for Kanaan, and for her self, this ceremony would be a bonding. The ache in her chest told her quite clearly, along with her earlier trepidation, that she did not want that.

Movement through the ribbons drew her eye and she saw Kanaan stood aside from a group to catch her attention. She saw his concern there instantly, watched his distant expression move to Rodney and Ronon and then back to her. He could not have missed the fact that she had avoided the ceremonial area even during its arrangement earlier this morning. She had remained off the field and away from the archway as soon as it had been put into place. Kanaan had appeared cautious these last two days, and she wondered if he had sensed her discomfort and lack of enthusiasm. Yet, he had not said anything to her. She appeared to be surrounded by men who said very little and abruptly it infuriated her. No one was speaking their mind, even Rodney and Ronon kept a silent watch. But, then had she not remained far too silent on this matter as well?

She saw Kanaan move a step towards her, unintentionally outlining himself within the archway. Behind him their people were laughing and enjoying the atmosphere of their approaching ceremony, but why should that be what she wished as well? She had a choice now, an option that was unpredictable and unseen, yet it called to her as more in keeping with her true self. To follow that option would not be following through with something for the honour and pleasure of her people, or for anyone else. This choice would be just for her. Not for Kanaan, not for her people, not even for her son.

She hated herself though, for what she saw in Kanaan on the other side of the field, on the other side of the archway. She had placed them in this position. Regret, sharp and shaming filled her as she looked at Kanaan. He held her gaze, waiting…waiting for her decision. How long had she? She had strong feelings for Kanaan, very strong, but John's absence now was more painful than any absence she had had from Kanaan.

A piece of ribbon had partially unwrapped itself from one side of the archway, and now danced across the space, across Kanaan in the distance. Teyla fixed her eyes upon its twisting bright length, but in her mind she was picturing John back in Atlantis. He did not know that she cared for him…that she had been harbouring a deep love for him for a long time. Did he love her in return? Renewed tears threatened to fill her eyes as she thought of him back there in the city, believing himself unwanted by her, unloved, when in truth her heart had been his for years.

She had to know.

She shifted her gaze back to Kanaan, knowing that regardless to the rest of this day's outcome she knew that she did not love Kanaan that way. Perhaps had never loved Kanaan, not the way he deserved to be. She did not wish to hurt him, hated that she was anyway, but this was how it had to be. She saw his expression shift and his face turned, his expression pained. He knew.

She kept her gaze on him until he looked back to her. She hoped that he could see her regret, her pain and her resolution. She held his eyes for a moment more before she broke their gaze, looking away from the archway. Ronon and Rodney filled her gaze, both watching her in silence. Rodney looked from her to the distant Kanaan and then back with a worried frown, but Ronon held her gaze. His expression was of curious observation, watching her, worried for her, but he held his own judgement. She smiled thinly at them and turned away.

Without a backward glance she headed towards the path that led to the Gate. Dust swirling around her legs, the archway behind her. She had no idea where this action would take her, if it might break her heart further, but she strode out to meet it head on.

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End of Part 1