This idea has been with me for over a year now but I've only been writing it for a month or so. Not entirely satisfied with the result but it's been festering in edit for a fortnight. Hope you enjoy x

Knock knock

'Come in. Oh, Nurse Franklin come in.' Sister Bernadette smiled as she beckoned the closest thing she had to a friend anywhere near her own age into the room. Trixie smiled as she closed the door gently, eager to avoid alerting the other nuns to her presence at this late hour. Strictly speaking she shouldn't be here but she simply had to talk to the nun.

'Sorry, I know it's supposed to be the Great Silence right now.'

'Don't worry about it. Have a seat.' Sister Bernadette smiled as she gestured to the bottom of her bed. 'How was the dance? I'm surprised to see you back so soon.' She said glancing at the small battered clock next to her writing desk. Trixie sat and noted instantly how much lumpier and thinner than it was than those the nurses had. Her respect for the woman before her grew even more. The ones the nurses had were far from perfect but at least they supported you.

'It was very pleasant thank you, Chummy and Constable Noakes looked ridiculous trying to dance so we all had a good laugh.' They smiled.

'I can imagine. That still doesn't explain why you're home earlier than everyone else and why you look so uneasy.'

'I was thinking…'

'Yes? Is it something I can help you with?' Sister Bernadette asked worriedly as she reached forwards for her friends hand. Trixie smiled at her before turning and facing the door. Taking a deep breath for courage she spoke.

'You seemed, and please do not get offended if I have misread this, but you seemed almost…jealous…of us as we left. You looked sad, like you wanted to be going with us.'

'You're correct.' The nun replied without a second of hesitation. Trixie gasped and spun to face her, her jaw dropping as she saw the solemnity in her friends face.

'I…what?'

'Eloquent as always Trixie.' Sister Bernadette chuckled at her friends dumbfounded expression.

'You are jealous?'

'Can I trust you? You can't tell anyone what I'm about to tell you.'

'Of course. You can tell me anything, I hope you'll always feel able to. I promise you no-one will hear anything from me.' Sister Bernadette stood from the writing desk and moved to sit next to Trixie on the bed taking the precious few seconds it afforded her to try and get her thoughts in order.

'Of course I'm jealous. You are so happy. You're all so beautiful and you have the freedom to go and do just about anything you want to. I love being in the Order but I'm so much younger than my sisters- they're a different generation and we don't have anything except our vocation in common really. As much as I may act like them it's not what I truly wish I could be doing. My 'friends', though I'm not really allowed to have any, live the life I always thought I'd have when I was growing up. You'd never believe it but before I joined the Order I took a lot of pride in my appearance, I was really quite popular at school. In retrospect it seems I spent half my teenage years going out drinking and dancing, not too badly of course just enough to enjoy those years of my life. Especially in the years between the war and my joining the order. Oh the laughs I had with my friends.

For the first few years here it was okay, the nurses were a bit boring and I was still enamoured with my new religious life so I never realised that something was missing. But then you arrived and you were so full of life, then Nurse Miller joined and the two of you, though vastly different, were very good friends and I began to see what I was missing out on. Then of course Nurses Lee and Browne arrived and you all fit together and suddenly I could see myself in amongst you. I got closer to you, began to seek you out more. I know it's only been a few months since they arrived but my feelings have changed so much in them that I can't help but wonder what they'll be in a few months more. Suddenly the small things I'd grown discontented with over the years came together until it was a big thing.'

'Oh Sister. Surely you don't have to stay in the order if you don't want to? I know it's intended to be a lifelong position but people must leave from time to time? The Lord wouldn't want you to be tormented like this. If you are sad then He would want you to be happy. Isn't that the point of Christianity? Love and happiness?'

'Oh no I could never leave this life. He is testing me, Job suffered and was rewarded. I made a commitment, a promise, I'm very lucky to have been given this opportunity.'

'Do you want to say that again but sound like you believe your own words this time?' Trixie offered smiling slightly at the annoyed roll of eyes from the nun at her words. Sister Bernadette smiled softly and let her head fall into her hands.

'I can't hide anything from you can I?'

'What can I say? I'm exceptionally talented at reading you.'

'You're the only one who looks at me. I'm just another habit to the others.'

'Perhaps I am.' Trixie leant back on the bed as she thought deeply. 'Sister how long have you been in the order?'

'Almost 9 years now.'

'9? You must have been a teenager when you joined!'

'I was 21.' Sister Bernadette shrugged as she stood and began to pace the floor slowly, her face betraying the depth of thought she was in.

'Then perhaps you joined too early in life? Maybe you hadn't had the chance to truly live your life before you gave it up? I'm sure the sisters would understand that.'

'No, they wouldn't. How did this turn from how lovely you looked tonight into a discussion about my discontent with the religious life?'

'Because you need someone to talk to, you need to hear yourself say the words you need to hear, the words you're afraid to say. Sister you need to be honest with yourself before you can move on.'

''Trixie.'

'Yes Sister?

'I'm not sure I want to be a nun anymore.' Trixie smiled at the weight that had visibly lifted from her friends shoulders at the words. She stood and wrapped her in a one armed hug.

'Baby steps. What do you want to do now then? Obviously you need to think this over properly but is there anything I can do to help you at this moment? I am here for you every step of the way.'

'I don't really know where to begin. I do want to find out if this is the life God wants for me but what if I'm wrong and I've sinned by even contemplating another way.'

'I have an idea.'

'Go on.'

'Perhaps, and I would understand if you did not want to, but perhaps if you took off your wimple? Just for a minute or two? I'll even leave the room if you want. That way you can see how it feels to be free from the constrains of the Order a little.'

'I have a confession, I did that already earlier after you left. I indulged myself in a moment of vanity. Would you mind if I took if off in front of you? So I can see how it feels to be less nun-y in company?'

'Of course.' Nervously she slid her fingers up and, almost absently, gently stroked the edge of her head coverings. She took a deep breath, let her nerves settle down, let her panic subside and let the knowledge that although it may contravene one of the basic rules of being a nun she was going the right thing. She unclipped her wimple and placed it between them and then did the same with her bandeau. Now adorned in only her cap, and with some of her hair already visible as it slipped out, she faced the final push. Up until this point she was still good, she was still following the rules, she was allowed to be seen in her cap and often had been after bathing or if she was summoned in the night. But she wasn't going to stop there so for the second time that evening she slid the cap off and unpinned her hair so that it tumbled over her shoulders. Her eyes flickered back up to Trixie's face. 'What do you think?'

'Honestly?'

'Yes.'

'You're beautiful. You look more…complete. Whenever I see Sister Monica Joan roaming with her hair down it's just that-Sister Monica Joan plus hair, with you when you're in your habit it's as if there's something missing and I think that must be your hair and the freedom it grants you. Do you understand what I mean?'

'I think so. You really think I'm beautiful?'

'Of course. You're extremely pretty
Well your glasses don't exactly flatter you…may I-' Shelagh paused for a second before nodding and letting Trixie slip her glasses off. 'Your eyes are magnificent, I can't believe I never really looked at them before. These glasses of yours completely obscure them.'

'That was rather the point.' She coked a crooked smile at her platinum haired fried. Trixie chuckled.

'Well yes I suppose it was. It's a shame you have to hide yourself when you're having second thoughts.'

'I will admit I am relishing the chance to be able to relax and let myself be…well to be me a little more than usual.'

'You can always be yourself 100% with me.'

'Thank you I appreciate that. Your support means more to me than you could possibly imagine.'

'I'd like to get to know you better as the person you are inside and not the person you pretend to be for the rest of the world. I like you very much as you are normally but I think I'll like the real you even more.'

'You want to know Shelagh? I barely remember who I am under the habit. My childhood wasn't exactly tickety boo as Chummy would say. I buried the girl I was under layers of rules and regulations. What if I can't rediscover her and make peace with the past?'

'Your name is Shelagh? I'm never usually a fan of that name but with your lilt it's practically melodic.'

'Thank you.'

'As for the possibility of rediscovering yourself, I am certainly not the girl I was only a few years ago. I too had childhood issues and whilst I haven't exactly accepted them and moved on, I don't think about it as much as I used to, I don't let it affect me.'

'Oh Trixie what do I do? I'm supposed to be able to help other people but I can't even help myself.'

'You need to find out if you're Shelagh or Bernadette.'

'But what then? What if I am Shelagh?'

'Then you keep on being the best midwife I have ever met and you keep nursing.'

'I mean aside from work. I cannot imagine myself married to a physical, human man with children but neither can I imagine myself alone. I don't want to be alone.' Shelagh frowned as she voiced thoughts she hadn't even known she was thinking. It all made sense though, her torment was suddenly a little less unclear as the pieces of the puzzle began to take shape. Trixie smiled softly and squeezed her hands before resting them in her lap.

'You won't be. You don't have to be.'

'I truly do appreciate your friendship but I didn't mean alone without friends.

'Neither did I. Do you trust me? '

'Yes. Of course.'

'Then close your eyes.' Warily she did so ad waited for something to happen. To her shock she suddenly felt press of Trixie's lips against her own.

She gasped sharply. Everything in her was screaming to stop this and remind them both of the scriptures barring this, well, barring the later actions that this could lead to, and it only specified the prohibition of men engaging in such actions. If she was honest with herself none of those objections mattered anyways for no force on earth could tear her away from the rightness that exuded from her friends lips. Slowly she raised her hand to cradle Trixie's face and tilted her own to deepen the kiss. After several long, breathtaking, moments they pulled back.

'Oh. Wow.' Shelagh gaped as Trixie's eyes flickered over her face anxiously trying to ascertain her standing. Seeing the happiness she felt reflected back at her, tinged, to her utmost surprise, with just a hint of longing lust, she pressed on.

'You can't imagine a future with a man, what about with a woman? If you want to you'll never have to be alone.'

'Hmm. I think I need to test this new option again.' she grinned and pulled Trixie back to her lips.