**A/N: Please don't take this seriously…. I love Star Wars, although my liking of Han Solo is pretty limited…. **grins**, this is more to do with the fact he stole Luke's limelight, though. **lol** Review if you like, it'd be much appreciated (as long as it's nice **grin**) **

**Disclaimer**: I don't own these characters or locations; they are the property of George Lucas. **

Location: Tattooine


In a bizarre and ultimately unreal twist of fate, the Millennium Falcon, carrying it's inept pilot Han Solo and his altogether more intelligent buddies Chewbacca, Luke and Leia, had crash-landed. Han, prepared as ever, only has half a packet of chocolate Digestives in the glove compartment to keep hunger at bay.


Leia: Really, Han, I thought you'd have been better prepared than this...


Han: Blah blah blah blah blah. Just shut up, will you? (turning away) Luke! Oi! Buddy! Have you figured out what's gone wrong yet?


Luke: (having being denied a Digestive and told to sort out the mangled Falcon, mutters-) You're a complete eejit of a pilot is what's gone wrong, buddy . (out loud, to Han) I don't think there's anything I can do!


Han: Great. Fan-bloody-tastic. I don't know why I bother with you two. Didn't they teach you anything at Jedi school, Mr Totally Useless?


Luke: (muttering, again-) Obviously not, Mr Perfect.


Leia: Han, aren't you going to let Luke have a biscuit? You've had three already.


Han: Shut up, Leia.


Leia: But...


Han: Fine. God. You're always sticking up for the little weed, aren't you? What about me?


Luke: (coming over) What about you?


Han: If it wasn't for me, kid, you'd have been nothing, let me tell you. Nothing! Godammit, I was the one who...


Luke: (having had enough of Han) Bottled out?


Leia laughs, then stops off Han's glare.


Han: I never bottle out of anything, you little farm boy scumbag! Come here and say that!


Luke: (sticks tongue out) I am here.


Leia: Leave it, Han, will you? Just... forget about it. Why don't you start trying to think of a way to get us out of here?


Han: Jesus! I have to do everything around here! I got you here, remember? Isn't that enough?


Luke & Leia exchange glances, then, in unison: No!


Han: Fine. (gets to his feet) I'm going over there (points) for a think. Something YOU (pokes Luke in face) have never done.


Leia: Han, I warned you...


Han: Yeah, yeah, whatever. (turns to Luke) Dust off my trousers, will you? I don't want to look a mess if there are any young Coruscant gals around.

 
Luke: (reluctantly brushing dust off Han's designer trousers) We're not on Coruscant, Han.


Han: What? I think I know where...


Leia: (interrupting) He's right, Han.


Luke: We're on Tattooine.


Han: Oh, we've got a right little smart arse here, haven't we? Think you can tell me where we are and what to do? Well, I'm gonna get us off of here and fix the Falcon all by myself, and then you can get ready. Yes, you will see what a wondrous creature Han Solo is... (kicks dust in Luke's face) and what a wimp Luke Slothwalker is in comparison.


Han stalks off towards the Falcon, leaving Luke and Leia to finish the Digestives. With a backward glance, Han suddenly rushes back, snatches up his biscuits and continues towards his mangled vehicle, whistling cockily.


3 hours later...


Han has managed to disconnect the controls, crack the windshield and come to the conclusion they are, for the time being, well and truly stuck.


Han: I knew I shouldn't have let you near the thing, Luke. Look what you've done.


Luke: But you just...


Leia: (stepping between them) Han, maybe you should check on your friend.


Han: Who?


Luke: Chewie!


Han: Oh, yeah. I just get confused, that's all. It's not easy having so many friends. (to Luke) Y'know?


Luke: I...


Han: Whatever, Wormie. You go check on Chewie, will you? I've got some special... navigating positioning figures I want to... consider.


Luke: (trudging away, calls-) Chewie!


Leia: Have we got time for all this, Han? You ate all our rations. (rolls eyes, out of view)


Han: Of course we've got time! I'm Han Solo! (punches air exuberantly) It won't take me five minutes.


Leia: (mutters-) That's what I'm afraid of.


Luke has located Chewie , who is drawing pictures in the sand. He crouches down to talk to him, while Leia watches , amused, and Han mumbles to himself.


Han: (looking up from his calculations, being done on his fingers) Jesus, Leia, what's with you? Don't tell me you like the bloke. (shudders theatrically and looks at her disdainfully)


Leia: Han, don't be...


Han: I mean, what's to like? (puffs out chest) Especially when you consider what he's up against.


Leia: Eh?


Han: Me! I'm the hero here.


Leia: You're not being...


Han: Ssshhh. This is my moment, Leia. Don't be so inconsiderate.
Luke is cutting back across to them, followed by Chewie , who has his furry paw on Luke's head. Aw.


Han: I mean, I could win him hands down at anything. Out of the two of us... who's braver? Better looking? More considerate? Cleverer? Hmm? (looks at Leia, expecting an answer)


Leia: Um...


Han: Come on! It's easy. I am.


Leia: (relieved) Here's Luke and Chewie.


Luke: (excited) Look what Chewie found!


Leia: What is it?


Luke: (pointing) Some underground cave system. We can probably get to where we need to be. Or at least get some help.


Leia: Nice one, Chewie!


Chewie: Rrrwaaaooorrrr!


Han: (to himself) So, if we're here... and the main point is... eastwards... should be... (out loud) Hey! Guys!


Luke: What?


Han: I've got it! I know how we can get out of this place!


Luke: How?


Han: There should be some caves, just around (runs forward) here! See? We can probably get to where we need to be from here. Or at least get some help. (to himself, self-congratulatory-) Well done, Hanny-boy.


Leia: Han, we just...


Han: Shut up, Leia.


Luke: Han!


Han: Look, I know it must hurt, Slothboy, having me being superior to you in every way... but face it, ok? I'm our ticket out of here. (looking from Luke to Leia and back again) You can thank me later, guys.


Leia: Come on, Luke.


Luke falls into step beside Leia and is just as quickly forced out the way by Han , who swaggers towards the cave entrance with his arm around Leia , who rolls her eyes at Luke . Luke grins back.


Han: Leave it, will you, Skycrawler? She's not interested in you. Or your lightsaber.


Luke: There's nothing wrong with my lightsaber!


Han: Whatever, Wormhead. I've seen it. (to Leia) Believe me, it's pathetic. Now, my blaster pistol on the other hand... you wanna see it?


Leia: Not now, Han. (to Luke) How should we organise this?


Luke: Well, if...


Han: Hello? Hello? Coming through, coming through. Man with a brain here. (barges through and knocks Luke clean to the floor) Now, I'll lead the way.


Han starts to lower himself down into the cave, spraying liberal amounts of dust in Luke's eyes as he struggles to get up. Leia tries to help him up but is tugged away by Han . Han: (inside cave) OK. I'll lead. We should be heading... this way. (points)


Leia, Luke and Chewie have lowered themselves into the cave behind Han.


Han: Follow me! (glaring at Luke) You sure you can keep up, ferret boy?


Luke: Just get on with it, slug boy.


Han: Boy?! Ha! I haven't been a boy since... well. I wouldn't want to brag. (self satisfied grin)


Luke: (dryly-) You're obviously missing out, Leia.


Leia: Hmmm.


Han: Come on, slowcoaches!


Chewie: Rrrroooowwwaaarrrr!


Han: You probably won't be able to keep up the incredible speed I work at... but you'll have to try. (starts running forward)


Leia: (concerned-) Han, don't you think you should check...


Han: (far away, echoing) Shut up, Leia!


Luke: Maybe we should go make sure he's alright...


Leia: Yeah, come on.


Chewie: Rrrraaawwwwooooaarr!


Luke, Leia and Chewie all run after Han , who is too far away to be seen, although not too far away to be heard, as...


Han: Aaarrrrrrrggggggggnnnnnnnnnooooohhhhh!


Loud crashes are heard as Luke finally locates Han , or at least his foot. Han is hanging upside down in a big pit of sand, his blaster pistol crooked and unusable.


Leia: (shouts down-) Han!


Chewie: Rrrrrwwwwwwwaaaaaawwwrrrr!


Chewie grabs hold of Han's leg, Luke doing the same. Han waves his leg pathetically.


Han: Get off me, you freakin' losers! (kicks out)


Luke: We're trying to help...


Han: I'm Han Solo! I need no help!


Leia: Han...


Han: Shut up, Leia. Really.


Suddenly the wire holding his leg snaps, sending him plummeting to the floor, where he bounces once before crumbling into a ball.


Luke and Leia: (in unison) Han!


Chewie: Rrrrrrrrwwwwwwwwwwooooooorrrrr!


Han: Go away, you mindless cretins. I can get myself out of here. (trying to get to his feet) Ah. (crashes back to floor) Bugger.